The Breath of the Death II

(If you know you gonna die in months, what you gonna do? If you know your life is counted by days even minutes, how you will feel? My friend Laelia never let me know how tough her last days were, I didn’t have a clue that she was so close to the death. When I thought I was having a hard time, her last wishes were just having some snacks that she missed for so long. Dear girl lost her wings and then her life, except tears and sighs, I couldn’t and didn’t do even one little thing for her. Rest in peace my dear friend, may your purest soul kissed by the God, may he calm you down and take all your pain away. I miss you!)

2017/1/23 Cloudy

Haven’t been updated for a long time. Everything seems peaceful and smooth after my second radiation. Not much in pain any more, and I am feeling that I have so much energy than before. So surprised that I was recovered for only one week while that first time it took me four weeks to get fully restored!

So I had a wonderful Christmas and New Year. I had energy to choose Christmas gifts and gladly received a lot nice presents from family. It was so joyfully. ...

2017/3/7 Windy

Had my CT and MRI scan after the radiation treatment, the result was not so optimistic. Radiation did not do anything to me at all. And the cancer was spread out. So I started my second round of my chemotherapy on Feb 1st.

This is a different kind of chemotherapy. I accept the medicine in the hospital through an IV line for 2 hours then I need to also carry a medicine pump for another 46 hours after the hospital. Carry around with it, even sleep with it. And c...

4/5/2017

Started our trip to WA and OR. Started having uncontrolled belly fluid by that night. The whole trip I had to either laying in the back seat or the front seat and made the seat really low so it was kind of laying down. Could not sleep well at all each night because the fluid occupied almost all my belly and my organs was pushed to the other places.

4/12/2017

We took the night flight back to Chicago then the bus back home. On the plane the worse occurred. I could not find even one comfortable spot or position for myself, even I had tow seats. Basically, I was sleepless almost the whole night, until the last hour before landing. My body was hurt everywhere.

I thought it was the most painful night on the plane, but I was so wrong. The first night back was far more worse. And for the first time in my whole life I took Advil — a kind of pain killer to control the pain. 2 pills. I was so against pain killers, in fact each time when the doctor offers this kind of pills, I always say no. But that night, the pain really crushed me. Deeply.

4/13/2017

Hospital day today. Lab, Oncology, Chemo. However, according to the lab result, again, I could not receive the chemo treatment. Instead, I had my first Pumping Ascites treatment. Got 3200ML out, that was about 7.5pound. And I got my first prescription pain killer pills that day.

4/19/2017

CT scan.

4/20/2017

Another visiting day. Was told my oncology that there was no suitable treatment for me anymore. And they introduced me to an home care organization. hospice care, I know. We have the same caring center in China, this kind of nurse group, was to take care of the patients for the last period of their lives, not trying to cure them but focusing on making their lives feeling better and with better qualities.

4/25/2017

First home visit by Agrace Hospice. Listened some explanations. Signed some documents.

The nurse offered my some emergency meds to hold at home. First option was morphine, I am so against that, so I directly said no. And I did not even want to listen to the rest.

Then she insisted increasing my pain killer quantity. Well, no matter what she did, I am the one who decide how my I will take.

4/28/2017

First home care. Changed my dressing. Very unprofessional and unorganized. Drawn 1000ML fluid, went so slow. I know I could do 2000ML, but could not stand that so I called stop and let them go.

Before she took my old dressing away, she said, dear, this is the most painful part. I know that would be some plastic that, however when the nurses from the hospital took those things away it was not that bad. Then, when she actually started, I realized she just pulling it out slowly, of course that hurts! I almost shouted at her, saying, could not you use some alcohol pats wiping that area before you pulling them? I still think even by now, she could not get the point.

Before she left she told me she would meet me again for sure, because she is a float.

I do hope I will never see her again.

4/29/2017

Drawn 2000ML by Josh in the morning at 6. I think we do it much better together than the stupid nurse. Also, I was just realized that she put the sticky plastic pad right on my pubic hair, very unprofessional. And I was not sure how good the other nurse who would come here next time. So I decided to cut that part of plastic pad off myself.

Pain relieved a lot today. Was happy.

But when at night, after dinner when we were watching a movie, I felt new pain on my left thigh. Had to lay in the bed.

4/30/2017

New things happed today. When I tried to bend my left pointing finger, my middle finger hurts a lot, and ring finger hurts too, but not that much.

I made some eggplant for lunch. It might not fully be cooked so was a little bit hard still. Then right after lunch, I felt like vomit and my stomach hurt a lot. I had to take a anti-vomit pill which was the left over form my chemo treatment, and a pain pill and laying in bed. After 5 to 10 minutes, I was calm and fell asleep. I should be really careful what I eat now.

Josh went to church today, and told me that pastor mentioned that if your spouse is suffering cancer, you should trust that everything is being taking care of. And do not worry. Hope he would feeling better after hearing that.

In fact, I think around all my family and friends, I am the one feel least worried. The only thing I cry about seems because of the pain. Also, I’ve been trying to control about my pain pills quantity, I’ve been trying to take as less as possible. It dose hurt a lot sometimes. But I think I can conqueror it. God bless.

Two of my best friends are coming to visit me this fall. And we will be traveling together somewhere --- do not know where yet ---- together. I feel so happy and excited about that. Cannot wait!

June 2 2017

Somebody updated her Facebook with her death. :(

(Thank you all for the kind words, well wishes and prayers throughout Laelia's sickness. After a long struggle & fight, she passed away in her sleep on May 31st.

Visitation will begin at 1:30 on Sunday, June 4th, followed by a celebration of Laelia's victory in Christ at 4:00 at Eastside Lutheran Church in Madison WI.)

The Breath of the Death II