引自《关键性对话》

什么是关键性对话？谁会在乎？

  “沟通中发生的最大的问题乃是错觉的产生。”

--------乔治·萧伯纳

当人们第一次听到“关键性对话”这个词时，可能很多人脑海中联想到的是总统，君主，总理们围坐在一个大桌子旁边，讨论着未来。当然这是事实，这样的讨论有着广泛性的影响，但这不是我们要说的。我们所说的关键性对话指的是发生在每个人身上的交互过程，是影响你日常生活的那些交谈。

  那么，什么会让一个谈话成为关键性谈话而不是普通的一般性谈话？首先，人的看法是不同的。你和你的老板谈升职的时候，她可能认为你还不具备条件，而你认为恰恰相反。其次，风险是很高的。你和四个同事一起开会，你们想选择一个新的市场策略，你们必须做出一些改变否则公司不能达成年度目标。第三，强烈的感情。你和你的配偶在进行一个随意的日常讨论，她或者他却说起了昨天社区派对上发生的一件“丑陋事件”。显然，根据你的配偶所说，你不仅在派对上和别人调情，而且 “你们实际上是在亲热。”而你记不起有调情的事情，只记得彼此间礼貌和友好。你的配偶恼怒地离开了。

而说起社区派对，有一段时间，你和一个有点怪异的但总是有趣的邻居说了一会儿话。当他说，“说起你正在新建的围栏…”，从那一刻起你们的谈话就在进入了一个激烈的争论阶段——关于把栅栏移动三英寸或者其他方法。三英寸！他最后威胁说要付诸法律诉讼，而你也强调了你的观点，提醒说他并没有完全意识到后院和侧墙之间的区别。感情迸发的很强烈。

什么让这每一个对话都如此的关键——不是简单的挑战、沮丧、恐惧或者烦恼——而是对你的生活质量有重大影响的结果。每一例子中，你日常生活中的一些元素能够永远地变得更好或更坏。很明显升职会带来很大的不同。公司的成功影响着你和与你一起工作的每个人。你和配偶的关系影响着你生活的方方面面。即使琐碎如一个关于房产界限的争论也会影响到你和邻居之间如何相处。

尽管关键性对话很重要，但我们常常逃避它，因为我们担心会让事情更糟。我们变成了逃避关键性对话的能手。同事之间本可以走到会议室坦率地面对面沟通，但却只是彼此间发送一份电子邮件。老板留下了一个语音邮件而不是与直接的汇报者开会。当一个话题变得尖锐时，家里会有人改变话题。我（作者）有一个朋友通过语音邮件得知他的妻子正在与他离婚。我们千方百计逃避棘手的问题。

（未完待续）

What’s Crucial Conversation?

  And Who Cares?

“The  single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken  place.”

--------GEOGER BERNARD SHAW

 When people first hear the term “crucial conversation,” many conjure up images of presidents, emperors, and prime ministers seated around a massive table while they debate the future. Although it’s true that such discussions have a wide-sweeping impact, they’re not the kind we have in mind. The crucial conversations we’re referring to are interactions that happen to everyone. They’re the day-to-day conversations that  affect your life.

Now, what makes one of your conversations crucial as opposed to plain vanilla? First, opinions vary. For example, you’re talking with your boss about a  possible promotion. She thinks you’re not ready; you think you are. Second, stakes are high. You’re in a meeting with four coworkers and you’re trying to pick a new marketing strategy. You’ve got to do something different or your company isn’t going to hit its annual goals. Third, emotions run strong. You’re in the middle of a casual discussion with your spouse and he or  she brings up an “ugly incident”that took place at yesterday’s neighborhood block party. Apparently not only did you flirt with someone at the party, but according to your  spouse, “You were practically making out.” You don’t remember flirting. You simply remember being  polite and friendly. Your spouse walks off in a huff.

 And speaking of the block party, at one point you’re making small talk with your somewhat crotchety and always colorfulneighbor about his shrinking kidneys when he says, “Speaking of the new fence you’re building . . .”From that moment on you end up in a  heated debate over placing the new fence—three inches one way or the other. Three inches! He finishes by threatening you with a lawsuit, and you punctuate your points by mentioning that he’s not completely aware of the difference between his hind part and  his elbow. Emotions run really strong.

What makes each of these conversations crucial—and not simply challenging, frustrating, frightening, or annoying—is that the results could have a huge  impact on the quality of your life. In each case, some element of your daily routine could be forever altered for better or worse. Clearly a promotion could make a big difference. Your company’s success affects you and everyone you work with.  Your relationship with your spouse influences  every aspect of your life. Even something as trivial as a debate over a  property line affects how you get along with your neighbor. Despite  the importance of crucial conversations, we often back away from them because  we fear we’ll make matters worse. We’ve become masters at avoiding tough conversations.  Coworkers send e-mail to each other when they should walk down the hall and  talk turkey. Bosses leave voice mail in lieu of meeting with their direct  reports. Family members change the subject when an issue gets too risky. We  (the authors) have a friend who learned through a voice-mail message that his  wife was divorcing him. We use all kinds of tactics to dodge touchy issues.

（To be continued）

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