作者：舒舒
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（图为奶奶家的后院被一场大雪覆盖的情景。恢复中的奶奶依然不失闲情逸致，拍了这张照片让我们找有几只小鸟^-*)
休斯顿几乎没有冬天，只是今年也遭遇了几次零下一两度的天气。颇寒的一个凌晨，先生的手机突然响起，我心怦怦直跳。果然有事，是从West Virgina（西弗吉尼亚州）他父母所住的地方打来的。爷爷就说了一句，“你妈妈心脏出了问题，现在救护车上赶去医院。” 哦，天哪。先生即刻喃喃着, “上帝啊，请你不要这么快带走她，我们还没有准备好。”
父母住那么远，真是一件难事。先生头天夜里自己还发烧，我愁着早上要不要他请病假。电话一挂，马上定机票直飞了过去。到了那边机场再租了部车，无视大雪纷飞，火急火燎开去了医院。奶奶在ICU重症病房昏睡了三天，先生留在那尽心尽力服侍了一个星期。那段时间北部暴风雪猖狂，零下二三十度是正常。先生秉持苦中作乐的精神，发给我一张他的照片，说我看了就不会担心他会被冻坏。照片上的他，只有眼睛鼻孔露出来，真是武装到了牙齿，孩子们都问是哪里的恐怖分子......
虽然我和孩子都不喜欢一家之主离开的感觉，但照顾老人义不容辞，孩子们都配合着乖乖度日。直盼到他回来，自然也觉得一切都是天经地义，根本没有多想什么。奶奶这次从小小的感冒，到后来细菌感染肺部，接着肺积水导致心脏发炎衰竭，一向健康的、步履矫健的、一个月前还驱车几千英里来这里过圣诞的七十多岁的老人家这次的确在死亡边缘绕了一圈再回来。之后两个星期，我们每天都听到渐好的消息，悬着的心放下来，也不忘感谢上帝，老两口又能多一些互敬互爱的羡煞旁人的甜蜜时光，也可以与儿女一起庆祝他们结婚五十周年纪念日了！
随着奶奶的康复，这个插曲似乎接近尾声，我们的生活恢复了往常的忙碌。不料，让我深思的事情却发生在奶奶复原之后。有一天，我和先生同时收到了奶奶写来的感谢邮件！是在她还没有完全恢复气力的时候，简短却诚意地表达了她对先生还有我和孩子的谢意。有几个拼写错误，明显是打字时手软。
我的第一反应是非常诧异！儿女孝敬老人不就是天经地义，没啥好说吗？在中国，父母养育儿女付出千辛万苦，儿女口头表达感谢的都不多；父母生病，面对儿女这样自然的孝道, 心中升起无限宽慰可以理解，可，写一封感谢信，有这个必要吗？？？
一时间我竟不知道怎么回信，催着先生回复吧，他又总是忙。约一个星期之后，奶奶又写了一封很长的信来，说之前没有力气写很多，现在好了，可以尽情写了。
她说抱歉由于适应不了休斯顿的热才搬去那么远，给孩子们添了不必要的麻烦。她谢谢先生第一时间赶到，她虽然不知道昏睡的三天里儿子做了些什么，但是老伴不停说多亏他在身边。她谢谢我愿意一人承担这一个大家庭的责任，让她儿子能够放心飞去照顾她。她也谢谢孩子们听话乖巧不惹事并且为她祷告。她还谢谢先生临走前给妹妹买了机票，让她能够接着照顾出院的她。。。细细碎碎的，认认真真的，她把每一个人都感谢了一遍。我必须承认，虽然觉得这点事根本不值得如此慎重真切的感谢，我还是深深地被老太太由心底生发的感恩之情而感动。
我们中国人总提倡含蓄。亲人间说声谢谢都觉得太客气、生份、见外，甚至有人还说是虚伪。那，是不是因为美国人亲情疏远，所以才会如此大张旗鼓地表示感谢呢？
其他人家我不知道，可先生和他父母的关系是亲密融洽又互相尊重的那一种。先生几乎每天都要给他父母打电话。有时给他们讲一个刚看到的有趣新闻或者笑话，电话两头哈哈一阵大笑然后就说我爱你、拜拜；有时边看球赛边拎起电话一起调侃那些失误的球员；有时他会和老人家分享讨论一下对圣经中某个章节的看法；有时直接汇报一件生活中的麻烦事，然后说请为我祷告，就挂机了。不像女儿家的唠唠叨叨，他们的对话总体是简短的，却分明是饱含感情的。也不像我对我的父母基本采取报喜不报忧的策略，不想让他们担心忧虑。先生从来不避讳，也不怕老人家过分忧愁，因为知道他们会将重担交托给上帝。
这样的关系，我很羡慕。多么希望以后我的孩子也能与我分享一切喜乐与哀愁，他也不怕我挂虑，但凡恐惧、消沉、挫败这样的负面情绪都可以向我倾吐，而我不一惊一乍，不慌乱失措，不责备，不数落，。。。无论如何，奶奶的感谢信绝对不是因为关系疏远才写成，只因为他们习惯将自己心中的感谢表达给对方听---不管对方是陌生人还是家中的亲人。这一次，我实在体会到，虽然根本没有期待被感谢，但我也没因为她的感谢觉得生份，没有觉得她这样一来我们就不像家里人了。相反，心中从诧异到温暖，感觉被尊重，被理解，被爱护，付出被肯定，关爱被接受......胸中翻腾的尽都是美好的正能量。
想起他们在孙女的婚礼前，分头帮忙布置礼堂，那样繁忙的节奏下，他们隔一会儿就互相寻找，到另一个人的身边帮点小忙，说声“谢谢”，再加上一句 “我爱你”。看着满头白发的老人家如初恋般的你侬我侬，想到世界上真有可以爱到老的爱情，一旁的我偷笑、欢喜、沉醉。
也许我们因着中国人的含蓄血脉，真的很难表达自己的情感。接受陌生人的帮助时，我们自然而然会有感谢之情，自然而然也会说声谢谢，不是吗？可有时候我们的家人无微不至地照料我们，我们心中却觉得理所当然，口里也不说感谢的话语；甚至有时候我们对待家人和同事朋友的态度截然不同，我们完全不注意言语措辞，扔向对方的都是抱怨、指责、轻蔑甚至暴怒。。。
我们原谅自己，告诉自己正因为他们是家人，所以不用伪装，所以让真正的自我尽情流淌，所以我只管自己舒服就可以了。。。岂不知，真正的自我不经陶造都是自私的。
我们可以用一声谢谢一个拥抱去温暖一个陌生人的心，我们也可以用所谓的真自我一日日地不停伤害我们身边最亲的人。而他们，是上帝摆在我们身边最重要的人，最值得我们疼惜的人，最值得我们肯定的人，最值得我们去感谢的人----因为他们与我们一同走过一生数不尽的风霜雪雨，不离，不弃。就算曾经他们对我们也有伤害，那只是因为他们也没有学习该怎么表达爱。让我们学习原谅，让改变从我们自己开始，给他们更多的微笑、更多的谢谢、更多的拥抱、更多用行动和言语表达出来的爱。
圣经上说，“良言如同蜂房，使心觉甘甜，使骨得医治。” 良言的威力实在超过我们的想象。亲爱的你，现在是否可以在心中酝酿一个真诚的谢意，展露一丝真诚的微笑，然后，将你的感恩说给一个家人听？不管他是你的谁谁谁。实在说不出口，写的也行 ，一张小纸条，一个小卡片，什么都行，你一定会让一个人的天空因你而灿烂！
A Thank-You Note from Grandmother
Written by Helen；Translated by Kenny
Houston almost never has a winter, but this year even Houston has had several episodes of sub-freezing weather. One very cold morning, my husband’s cell phone suddenly started ringing, and my heart skipped a beat. Sure enough, there was a problem. The call was from West Virginia, where his parents live. His father said, “Your mother has had a heart attack, and right now she’s in an ambulance headed for the hospital.” Oh oh oh oh heavens! My husband immediately began muttering, “Oh, oh, oh Lord, please don’t take her so soon; we aren’t ready yet.”
It’s very difficult when your parents live that far away. My husband had been sick with a fever just the night before, and I had been wondering whether he should call in sick that day. But after he hung up the phone, he booked a plane ticket and flew straight to West Virginia that very morning. He rented a car at the Pittsburgh airport and drove to the hospital where Grandmother was near Clarksburg, despite the fact that Pennsylvania and West Virginia were in the middle of a snowstorm. Grandmother stayed in the ICU for three days, sedated and unconscious. My husband stayed there for a week, serving them with all his heart and energy. All that time there were serious snowstorms in the North, and the temperature stayed near and below zero. My husband is always able to find the silver lining in the clouds, and it was no different this time. He sent me a picture of himself and told me that after I saw the picture I would not worry about him being frozen anymore — we could only see his eyes and his nostrils in the picture, like a soldier armed to the teeth. The kids were asking, “Where is that terrorist from?”
Although the kids and I do not like how it feels when the head of our household is not home, still, taking care of grandparents always comes first. So the kids were cooperative and good. Until he came back, we did not give any thought to that; it was just what we all had to do. Grandmother had gotten a small cold, but from that the heart got infected, and then her lungs got full of fluid, and finally her heart failed. Grandmother has always been very healthy, always walking around like a young person; a month earlier they had driven thousands of miles to Houston from West Virginia for Christmas, but this time she had been to the very door of death before coming back to us. Two weeks later, we started hearing good news every day. The heart, which had been on the edge, stabilized. We kept thanking God that the couple will have more time to respect each other and love each other, more time to be admired by others, a chance to celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary with their children!
AsGrandmother was getting better, and this unexpected episode in our lives drew to a close, we went back to our normal, busy way of life. However, something happened after Grandmother recovered that gave me a lot to think about! One day husband and I got thank-you e-mails from Grandmother, while she still was not totally recovered. She expressed her thanks to my husband and to me and to the kids, briefly but with genuine feeling. There were a few typographical errors — obviously, she was still very weak while she was typing. My first reaction was surprised; isn’t it just natural and unremarkable when children are good to their parents? In China, parents accept ten thousand trials to raise their children, but few children thank their parents. Then when the parents get sick, it’s understandable that when their children are good to them, they feel relieved. But writing a thank-you e-mail — is it necessary??? I didn’t know how to answer Grandmother’s e-mail. I tried to get my husband to reply, but he was busy, busy, busy.
Then about one week later, Grandmother wrote another long e-mail. She said she was sorry that she could not stand the hot weather in Houston, and that therefore they had to give their children so much trouble by living so far away. She said thank you to my husband for racing there the moment he heard about the problem. Although she didn’t know for three days what my husband was doing while she was unconscious, Grandpa kept saying it was a really good thing that he was there. She said thank you to me because I took the responsibility of caring for a big family to make it possible for my husband to fly there and take care of her, and she said thank you to the children for cooperating and for praying for them. And she also said thank you to my husband for buying plane tickets for his sister so that she could fly to West Virginia and take care of Grandmother after she came home from the hospital and my husband went home…it was very detailed and sincere, she mentioned every single person one by one. I have to admit, although I don’t think what we did was worth such a heartfelt outpouring of thanks, still, I was very touched by the gratitude from the bottom of her heart.
Chinese always value being reserved. For family members to express gratitude to each other seems too polite, it seems like pushing people away, denying intimacy, treating people as if they were acquaintances and not family members, and some people even call it hypocrisy. Ah, so is it that Americans do not have close relationships between family members — is that why they spend so much time saying thank you?? Well, I don’t know about other American families, but the relationship between my husband and his parents is very close and they respect each other very much. My husband calls his parents almost every day. Sometimes he shares one funny joke or piece of news with them; sometimes they watch a game together over the phone and laugh at a mistake made by one player; sometimes he discusses a verse in the Bible with them; sometimes he just tells them the trouble we have in our lives and asks for prayers. It’s not like a phone call between women — their conversation is always short, yet at the same time full of affection. Not like me…most of the time I just tell my parents good news, because I worry that bad news would give them too much of an extra burden. But my husband shares bad news too, as he knows that they would pray and hand that burden over to God. I envy their relationship. How much I hope that in the future my son could share all his happiness and sorrow with me! He would not worry about giving me any burden, he could throw all those negative feelings to me, whether fear, depression, failure or any other emotion. And I could be calm; no panic, no blame, no nagging…..
Well, anyway, that thank-you letter absolutely was not written because the family relationship is weakened and distant, but simply because it is the habit for people in their family to share with others the gratitude their hearts feel, whether the others are strangers or their nearest relatives. For the first time I really understand that even though I didn’t at all expect gratitude, still I shouldn't, just because she expressed thanks, start feeling that she doesn’t think of us as family members. On the contrary, in my heart, I went from astonishment to warmth, to feeling that I was being honored and understood and cherished and appreciated and cared for…whatever it was that was bubbling in my heart, it was beautiful and good and positive.
I remember before their granddaughter’s wedding, when they were helping set up the wedding hall. Whenever they were separated from each other for a little while in the middle of all that hustle and bustle, they would be keeping an eye on each other, and whenever they had a chance they would give each other a little help. And then they would say, “Thank you,” and then add “I love you.” Watching these dear grey-haired old people behaving like youngsters who had just fallen head-over-heels in love, thinking how it really is possible for romance to last all the way into old age, I stood aside smiling delightedly to myself, practically intoxicated with joy.
Maybe it’s just in our Chinese character that we find it hard to express our feelings. If a stranger helps us, we will feel gratitude and we will naturally say thank you, right? But sometimes when our family members take care of us in every imaginable way, we take it for granted and are perfectly comfortable not saying thank you. Sometimes we even have a very different attitude toward our family than toward our friends and colleagues. We are careless with our wording, we hurl complaints, accusations, contempt, even rage…and we excuse ourselves, we tell ourselves, precisely because they are family, “No need for disguise, let the real self flow freely, just relax and be myself…”
Don’t you know, the true self, before it undergoes the fire of transformation, is always selfish? We can thank a stranger with a hug to warm his heart, but we can also use the “true self” to hurt those closest to us day after day. Those people whom God put nearest to us are the most important, the ones we ought most to cherish, the ones we ought most to appreciate, the ones we ought most to thank— because they walk through life at our side, through frost and snow and rain, never far from us, never abandoning us. Even if they have hurt us before, it’s just because they have not learned how to express love. Let’s learn to forgive,to make changes starting with ourselves — more smiles, more thank-yous, more hugs, more acts and words of love.
The Bible says, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Gracious words have more power than we can imagine. Dear one, right now, can you try to let true gratitude take root in your heart? Can you display a sincere smile and let a family member hear your gratitude? It doesn’t matter who they are. If you can’t say it, then write it on a piece of paper or a small card or whatever. You will definitely make someone’s day brighter!
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