一段典型的对话
对话来自When I Say No, I Feel Guilty:
MANAGER: Mike, Greg is sick and I need you to cover the morning tomorrow.
MIKE: That's tough, Mr. Teague. I have something on for tomorrow and won't be available.
MANAGER: Well, you'll have to call if off, I need you tomorrow.
MIKE: I'm sure you do, but I'm just not available. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]
MANAGER: What is it? A doctor's appointment?
MIKE: No, nothing that serious. I just wont't be available tomorrow. [BROKEN RECORD]
MANAGER: What are you going to do?
MIKE: It's personal, Mr. Teague. Just something I've been trying to get up enough guts to do for a long while, so I won't be available tomorrow. [SELF-DISCLOSURE and BROKEN RECORD]
MANAGER: Can't you put it off? You're leaving me in a bad situation.
MIKE:** I'm sure I am, Mr. Teague, but if I put it off this time, I'll probably never do it and I'd be disgusted with myself, so I wont't be available tomorrow. [FOGGING, NEGATIVE ASSERTION, and BROKEN RECORD]
MANAGER: I can fix it so you get Sunday off if you come in tomorrow.
MIKE: I'm sure you would, Mr. Teague, but I won't be in tomorrow. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]
MANAGER: Well, that leaves me in a fix. I don't know who I can get to cover Greg.
MIKE: That is a fix, but I'm sure you'll work something out. [FOGGING]
MANAGER: That's all right, it'll be rough but I'll get someone to cover it.
MIKE: I'm sure you will. [FOGGING]
MANAGER: Greg will probably be off Tuesday too. I'd like you to cover his shift if he doesn't show up.
MIKE: He probably will be out sick, but I won't be available Tuesday either. [FOGGING and BROKEN RECORD]
MANAGER: Who am I going to get to replace him then?
MIKE: _I don't know_. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]
MANAGER: This is hard to take, Mike. You have always been so reliable before.
MIKE: _I'm sure it is**_, Mr. Teague. I don't know how it happened, but I've always been available whenever you asked me before, haven't I? [FOGGING and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]
MANAGER: Well, I'll just have to find someone else I can count on.
MIKE: That's true, but why don't you give me a call next time you need a replacement and see if I'm free. Maybe I'll be available, maybe not. Doesn't cost anything to ask. [FOGGING and WORKABLE COMPROMISE]
MANAGER: Okay. We'll see.
MIKE: I hope you can get someone to cover for Greg.
MANAGER: I'll find someone, don't worry about it.
MIKE: Okay, see you.
这段对话实在太生动，相见恨晚。
抱歉，不行
老板：其他人不在，你现在来办公室帮我做一下ABC。
我：抱歉老板，我现在有事过不去。
老板：这事很着急，现在得马上过来弄。
我：抱歉老板，这事确实着急，但我现在去不了办公室。
老板：你那边有什么事？
我：一个事情（不要具体！），之前计划好的，所以今天去不了办公室。
老板：你那事就不能改天弄，ABC这事特别着急，今天就要弄完。
我：ABC这事确实着急（重复他说的！）。但是我现在确实过不去，我这个事情好久之前就在准备，刚好是今天，所以我现在过去不。
老板：我这事也是今天就要弄完！
我：确实是这样，但是很抱歉老板，我现在确实是去不了办公室。
可能还有这种情况：
老板：那你明天过来弄吧。我们再拖一天。
我：抱歉老板，我得后天才能过去。
老板：那你说怎么办？ABC这事马上就要交了。
我：您那边确实有点为难。（我可以不知道怎么办！）
老板：怎么办你说，马上就要交了！
我：确实有点突然，太着急了。我也不知道。我现在确实过不去，不知道其他人那边怎么样。
老板：C和D他们能过来吗？
我：我也不知道。
注意！听到这样的对话不要感到内疚：
MANAGER: Who am I going to get to replace him then?
MIKE: I don't know. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]
MANAGER: This is hard to take, Mike. You have always been so reliable before.
MIKE: I'm sure it is, Mr. Teague. I don't know how it happened, but I've always been available whenever you asked me before, haven't I? [FOGGING and NEGATIVE ASSERTION]
MANAGER: Well, I'll just have to find someone else I can count on.
老板说，You have always been so reliable，也许他真的这么想，也许他并不这么想，但是这时候他这么说，只不过是要利用你的内疚感来帮他做事而已。听了他的话就感到内疚了，委屈自己答应了，听老板表扬一句，你果然一直很可靠。这样有什么意义？以后就陷入了周而复始地委屈自己并成全老板无理要求的死循环中，最后让自己过得不开心。
看看书里接下来怎么说的：
Over a period of several months, Mike dealt with Mr. Teague on this new, straightforward basis of making his mind up as he went along and telling Mr. Teague what he wanted or didn't want. Mr. Teague adapted to this change in Mike's behavior and showed no apparent signs of upset with Mike. My guess, and it is only a guess, is that Mr. Teague previously thought of Mike as a nice kid who who had to be directed and controlled (and consequently used). I suspect that now he neither thinks of Mike as a nice kid who needs direction nor as a young punk not to be trusted, but as an adult man whom he works with.
跳出这个循环，以一个独立自主的成年人的身份来打交道。职责之内的事做好，职责之外的听从自己内心的想法，不要轻易地被 manipulate。
网友评论