-*-
21
回到家里，我没有时间，也不想再考虑这个问题。彼得罗打电话给我，他向我宣布，下个星期他会来拜访我父母。我接受了这个现实，就像接受一场无法避免的灾难。我急忙帮他找了一家宾馆，我打扫屋子，做了家人的思想工作，让他们不要焦虑，但这都无济于事，我的处境越来越糟糕了。在我们的城区，关于我的书、我个人、我经常独自旅行的事实的闲言碎语越来越多了。我母亲捍卫了我，她炫耀说，我快要结婚了，但为了避免我不在教堂结婚的决定让情况更加复杂，她说我不在那不勒斯结婚，要去热内亚结婚，结果是那些闲话更多了，这让她非常恼怒。
At home I didn’t have, or didn’t want to
have, time to go back to the subject. Pietro telephoned, he said that he was
coming to meet my parents the following week. I accepted it as an inevitable
misfortune, I struggled to find a hotel, clean the house, lessen my family’s
anxiety. That last task was in vain, the situation had grown worse. In the
neighborhood the malicious gossip had increased: about my book, about me,
about my constant traveling alone. My mother had put up a defense by boasting
that I was about to get married, but, to keep my decisions against God from
complicating things further, she pretended that I was getting married not in
Naples but in Genoa. As a result the gossip increased, which exasperated her.
有一天晚上，她对我非常粗暴，她说人们看了我的书，都觉得书里的内容很丢人，都在背后说闲话。我的几个弟弟也对我嚷嚷，说他们不得不和屠夫的儿子大打出手，因为他说我是个婊子，不仅如此，他们还不得不去揍了一顿埃莉莎的同学，因为那个男生让埃莉莎做她姐姐做的那些事。
One night she confronted me harshly,
saying that people were reading my book, were outraged, and talking behind
her back. My brothers—she cried—had had to beat up the butcher’s sons, who
had called me a whore, and not only that: they had punched in the face a
classmate of Elisa’s who had asked her to do nasty things like her older
sister.
“你写的什么啊？”我母亲对我嘶叫着。
“What did you write?” she yelled.
“没什么，妈！”
“Nothing, Ma.”
“你是不是写了你出去做的那些恶心事儿？”
“Did you write the disgusting things that
you go around doing?”
“什么龌龊事儿，你自己去看吧。”
“What disgusting things. Read it.”
“我不想在你写的那些破事上浪费时间。”
“I can’t waste time with your nonsense.”
“那就放过我吧。”
“Then leave me alone.”
“假如你父亲知道人们议论你的话，他会把你赶出家门的。”
“If your father finds out what people are
saying about you, he’ll throw you out of the house.”
“没有必要，我自己会走的。”
“He won’t have to, I’ll go myself.”
到了晚上，我从家里出去，在外面散心，就是为了不对我母亲说那些将来会让我后悔的话。在路上，在公园里，沿着大路，我感觉人们的目光都盯着我，这是一个我正要离开的世界对我的愤恨。后来我遇到了吉耀拉，她刚下班回来。我们住在同一栋楼里，我们一起走了回去。我担心她迟早会说出惹恼我的话，她平时的性格不是蛮横就是阴险。但让我惊异的是，她有些羞怯地对我说：
It was evening, and I went for a walk so
as not to reproach her with things I would later regret. On the street, in
the gardens, along the stradone, I had the impression that people stared at
me insistently, spiteful shadows of a world I no longer inhabited. I ran into
Gigliola, who was returning from work. We lived in the same building, we
walked together, but I was afraid that sooner or later she would find a way
of saying something irritating. Instead, to my surprise, she spoke timidly,
she who was always aggressive if not malicious:
“我看了你写的书，很棒！你能写出那些东西，简直太勇敢了。”
“I read your book, it’s wonderful, how
brave you were to write those things.”
我有些发懵。
I stiffened.
“什么东西？”
“What things?”
“就是你在沙滩上做的事情。”
“The things you do on the beach.”
“那不是我做的，是书中的人物做的。”
“I don’t do them, the character does.”
“是的，但你写得太好了，莱农，就像真的发生了一样，一样肮脏！这是身为女人才知道的秘密。”这时候，她拉住了我的一只胳膊，我不得不停了下来。她小声说：“你告诉莉娜，假如你见到她，你跟她说，她做得对，我支持她。她把她丈夫、妈妈、爸爸、哥哥、马尔切洛、米凯莱还有其他狗屎都甩开了，她做得好。我也应该从这里逃走，但我不像你们俩那么聪明，我生来就蠢，什么也做不了。”
“Yes, but you wrote them really well,
Lenù, just the way it happens, with the same filthiness. They are secrets
that you know only if you’re a woman.” Then she took me by the arm, made me
stop, said softly, “Tell Lina, if you see her, that she was right, I admit it
to her. She was right not to give a shit about her husband, her mamma, her
father, her brother, Marcello, Michele, all that shit. I should have escaped
from here, too, following the example of you two, who are intelligent. But I
was born stupid and I can’t do anything about it.”
我们没说其他重要的事情，我在我住的那层停了下来，她回了她家，但她说的那句话一直在我脑海里盘桓。让我震撼的是她把我的出人头地和莉拉的落魄放在一起来谈论，对她来说，这都一样让人振奋。还有一些话深深刻在我脑海里：我书里描述的龌龊事让她感同身受，这对我来说是个新鲜事儿，我没法做出评价。后来彼得罗来了，我就把这事儿给忘了。
We said nothing else important, she
stopped on her landing, I went to my house. But those comments stayed with
me. It struck me that she had arbitrarily put together Lila’s fall and my
rise, as if, compared with her situation, they had the same degree of
positivity. But what was most clearly impressed in my mind was how she had
recognized in the filthiness of my story her own experience of filthiness. It
was a new fact, I didn’t know how to evaluate it. Especially since Pietro
arrived and for a while I forgot about it.
-*-
22
我去火车站接他，我陪他走到佛罗伦萨街，那儿有一家宾馆，是我父亲推荐的，我在那里预订了一个房间。彼得罗看起来要比我家人更紧张。他从火车上下来，拉着一个大行李，和往常一样不修边幅，因为天气很热，他的脸红通通的，而且充满倦意。他想给我妈妈买一束花，他买了一束足够大、比较昂贵的花——这和他平时的习惯不一样，但他很满意。我们到了宾馆，他让我一个人拿着花待在大堂里，他保证说他马上回来。过了半个小时，他出现了，穿着一套蓝色的西装，白色的衬衣，天蓝色的领带，皮鞋擦得锃亮。我一下子就笑了起来。他问我：“我看起来不好吗？”我让他放心，他的衣着很棒。但在路上，我能感觉到周围那些男性的目光，还有他们嘲弄的哄笑，就好像我是一个人走着，也许他们是想暗示和强调：这个陪着我的人不值得尊重。彼得罗抱着一大束鲜花，他不肯让我拿着，他的每个细节都是那么体面，但并不适合我的城市。尽管他空着的一只手臂搭在我的肩膀上，但我感觉，我应该保护他。
I went to meet him at the station, and
took him to Via Firenze, where there was a hotel that my father had
recommended and which I had finally decided on. Pietro seemed even more
anxious than my family. He got off the train, as unkempt as usual, his tired
face red in the heat, dragging a large suitcase. He wanted to buy a bouquet
for my mother, and contrary to his habits he was satisfied only when it
seemed to him big enough, expensive enough. At the hotel he left me in the
lobby with the flowers, swearing that he would return immediately, and
reappeared half an hour later in a blue suit, white shirt, blue tie, and
polished shoes. I burst out laughing, he asked: I don’t look good? I
reassured him, he looked very good. But on the street I felt men’s gazes,
their mocking laughter, maybe even more insistent than if I had been alone,
as if to emphasize that my escort did not deserve respect. Pietro, with that
big bunch of flowers that he wouldn’t let me carry, so respectable in every
detail, was not suited to my city. Although he put his free arm around my
shoulders, I had the impression that it was I who had to protect him.
是埃莉莎给我们开的门，然后我父亲出来了，之后是我的弟弟们，每个人都穿着过节的衣服，所有人都太客气了。我母亲是最后出现的，洗手间拉水箱的声音之后，就听到她一瘸一拐地走了过来。她做了头发，还给嘴唇和脸颊上擦了点颜色，我想，她以前曾经是一个漂亮的姑娘。她很得体地接过那束花，我们一起坐在餐厅里，为了招待客人，他们把晚上搭起来、早上再拆掉的那些床也藏了起来。每样东西都很干净，桌子上的餐具也摆得非常用心。我母亲和埃莉莎一起准备了好几天，才做好了这顿饭，这让整个晚餐没完没了。彼得罗让我很震惊，因为他一下子变得很开朗。他问我父亲在市政府的工作，我父亲的意大利语说得磕磕巴巴，于是彼得罗就让我父亲说方言。我父亲跟他讲了市政府一些员工的趣事，我的未婚夫虽然听得不是很明白，但他表现出非常欣赏那些事儿。尤其是，我从来都没见过他吃那么多东西，每次一盘菜上来，他都会恭维我母亲和妹妹，但就我所知，他自己连一个鸡蛋都不会煮，他还询问每道菜的做法，就好像他很快就会动手做一样。他尤其喜欢的一道菜是土豆糕，吃完我母亲给他盘子里又加了一份，分量很足，她还用那种她特有的、毫无情感的语气说，在他走之前会再做一次土豆糕。在很短的时间内，气氛变得很和谐，就连佩佩和詹尼也抛开拘谨，和他成为朋友。
Elisa opened the door, then my father
arrived, then my brothers, all in their best clothes, all too cordial. My
mother appeared last, the sound of her crooked gait could be heard right
after that of the toilet flushing. She had set her hair, she had put a little
color on her lips and cheeks, and thought, She was once a pretty girl. She
accepted the flowers with condescension, and we sat in the dining room, which
for the occasion held no trace of the beds we made at night and unmade in the
morning. Everything was tidy, the table had been set with care. My mother and
Elisa had cooked for days, which made the dinner interminable. Pietro,
amazing me, became very expansive. He questioned my father about his work at
the city hall and encouraged him to the point where he forgot his labored
Italian and began to tell in dialect witty stories about his fellow
employees, which my fiancé, although he understood little, appeared to
appreciate tremendously. Above all he ate as I had never seen him eat, and
not only complimented my mother and sister on every course but asked—he, who
was unable even to cook an egg—about the ingredients of every dish as if he
intended to get to the stove right away. He showed such a liking for the
potato gattò that my mother served him a second very generous portion and
promised him, even if in her usual reluctant tone, that she would make it
again before he left. In a short time the atmosphere became friendly. Even
Peppe and Gianni stayed at the table, instead of running out to join their
friends.
无论如何，那顿饭还是吃完了。彼得罗变得很严肃，他向我父亲提亲了。他在说这件事情时，声音很激动，这让我妹妹的眼睛变得亮晶晶的，我两个弟弟觉得很有趣。我父亲很尴尬，支支吾吾地说了一些好话，说彼得罗是一个那么出色、严肃的教授，这个请求让他很荣幸。这个夜晚看起来要完美收场，这时候我母亲说话了。她阴着脸说：
After dinner we came to the point. Pietro
turned serious and asked my father for my hand. He used just that expression,
in a voice full of emotion, which brought tears to my sister’s eyes and
amused my brothers. My father was embarrassed, he mumbled expressions of
friendship for a professor so clever and serious who was honoring him with
that question. And the evening finally seemed to be reaching its conclusion,
when my mother interrupted. She said darkly:
“你们不在教堂结婚，这一点我们不同意。没有神父的婚礼不是婚礼。”
“Here we don’t approve of your not
getting married in church: a marriage without a priest isn’t a marriage.”
大家都陷入了沉默。我的父母应该暗地里已经说好了，由我母亲来提出这件事，但我父亲还是忍不住对彼得罗做了一个笑脸，意思是，他虽然也属于妻子提到的“我们”中的一员，但他愿意做出让步。彼得罗也对着我父亲笑了一下，但这次，他的谈话对象不是我父亲，他只对着我母亲说话。我已经跟他说了我家里的态度，他已经做好了准备。他说的话很简单，充满深情，但思想明确。他说他明白，但也希望大家理解他。他说他尊敬那些真诚信奉上帝的人，但他感觉自己不属于那类人。他说，作为一个不信奉上帝的人，并不意味着他什么也不信，他确信他对我的爱是绝对忠诚的。他说，是这份爱，而不是祭台、神父或者市政府的官员，使我们的婚姻变得坚固。他说，拒绝在教堂里结婚，对他来说是个原则问题。假如他是一个没有原则的男人，我就不会爱他，或者爱他要少一些。他最后说，当然，我母亲也不愿意把自己的女儿交到一个随时可以违背自己生活的基本原则的人。
Silence. My parents must have come to a
secret agreement that my mother would take on the job of making this
announcement. But my father couldn’t resist, and immediately gave Pietro a
half smile to indicate that, although he was included in that we invoked by
his wife, he was ready to see reason. Pietro returned the smile, but this
time he didn’t consider him a valid interlocutor, he addressed himself only
to my mother. I had told him of my family’s hostility, and he was prepared.
He began with a simple, affectionate, and, according to his usual habit, very
clear speech. He said that he understood, but that he wished to be, in turn,
understood. He said that he had the greatest respect for all those who
sincerely believed in a god, but that he did not feel he could do so. He said
that not being a believer didn’t mean believing in nothing, he had his
convictions and absolute faith in his love for me. He said it was love that
would consolidate our marriage, not an altar, a priest, a city official. He
said that the rejection of a religious service was for him a matter of
principle and that surely I would stop loving him, or certainly I would love
him less, if he proved to be a man without principles. He said finally that
surely my mother herself would refuse to entrust her daughter to a person
ready to knock down even a single one of the pillars on which he had based
his existence.
听这番话时，我父亲一直在点头，我的弟弟们惊讶得张大了嘴巴，埃莉莎又一次很感动，但我母亲无动于衷。她用手把玩了一下自己的婚戒，然后看着彼得罗的脸，她没有继续讨论刚才的话题，也没有说自己同意，她带着一种冷冰冰的决心，开始说起了我的好话。她说，我从小都是一个与众不同的孩子，说我能做到整个城区的女孩都无法做到的事情。我是她的骄傲，也是整个家庭的骄傲，我从来都没让她失望。她说我有获得幸福的权利，如果有人让我痛苦的话，那就会让她痛苦一千倍。
At those words my father made broad nods
of assent, my brothers were openmouthed, Elisa was moved again. But my mother
remained impassive. For some moments she fiddled with her wedding ring, then
she looked Pietro in the eye and instead of going back to the subject to say
that she was persuaded, or to continue to argue, she began to sing my praises
with cold determination. Ever since I was small I had been an unusual child.
I had been capable of doing things that no girl of the neighborhood had been
capable of doing. I had been and was her pride, the pride of the whole
family. I had never disappointed her. I had won the right to be happy and if
someone made me suffer she would make him suffer a thousand times more.
我很尴尬地听着这些，整个过程中，我都想搞清楚，她是在说真的呢，还是像通常一样夸大其词。她的目的是向彼得罗说明一点：她根本就不在乎他的职位，也不在乎他扯的那些，不是格雷科家人有求于他，而是他有求于格雷科家。我没能搞清楚她的态度，我的未婚夫却完全相信她的话，在我母亲说话时，他在一个劲儿地点头称是。她终于说完了，彼得罗才开始说，他说，他很清楚我有多可贵，他很感激我母亲把我培养成现在的样子。最后，他把一只手伸进上衣口袋里，从里面拿出了一个蓝色的盒子，很羞怯地递给了我。这是什么？我想，他已经给了我一枚戒指了，还要再给一枚吗？我打开了盒子，真是一枚戒指，非常漂亮，是红金的，上面镶着一块紫水晶，旁边是小碎钻。彼得罗低声说：“这是我外婆的戒指，如果我能娶到你的话，我们家里都会很高兴。”
I listened in embarrassment. All the
while I tried to understand if she was speaking seriously or if, as usual,
she was intending to explain to Pietro that she didn’t give a damn about the
fact that he was a professor and all his talk, it wasn’t he who was doing the
Grecos a favor but the Grecos who were doing him one. I couldn’t tell. My
fiancé instead believed her absolutely and as my mother spoke he simply
assented. When at last she was silent, he said that he knew very well how
precious I was and that he was grateful to her for having brought me up as I
was. Then he stuck a hand in a pocket of his jacket and took out a blue case
that he gave me with a timid gesture. What is it, I thought, he’s already
given me a ring, is he giving me another? Meanwhile I opened the case. There
was a very beautiful ring, of red gold, and in the setting an amethyst
surrounded by diamonds. Pietro murmured: it was my grandmother’s, my mother’s
mother, and in my family we would all like you to have it.
这个礼物意味着那场仪式结束了。大家又开始喝酒，我父亲又说起了他个人生活和工作的一些趣事，詹尼问彼得罗他是哪个球队的球迷，佩佩要和他扳手劲。我帮助我妹妹收拾桌子。在厨房里，我马上就犯了一个错误，我问我母亲：
That gift was the signal that the ritual
was over. We began to drink again, my father went back to telling funny
stories of his private and work life, Gianni asked Pietro what team he rooted
for, Peppe challenged him to arm wrestling. I helped my sister clear the
table. In the kitchen I made the mistake of asking my mother:
“怎么样？”
“How is he?”
“戒指吗？”
“The ring?”
“彼得罗。”
“Pietro.”
“人很丑，腿也不直。”
“He’s ugly, he has crooked feet.”
“爸爸也没比他好到哪里去。”
“Papa was no better.”
“你有什么资格说你父亲？”
“What do you have to say against your
father?”
“没有。”
“Nothing.”
“那你闭嘴，你就知道在我们面前趾高气扬。”
“Then be quiet, you only know how to be
bossy with us.”
“不是这样。”
“It’s not true.”
“不是吗？为什么你要听他的？假如他有自己的原则，难道你就没有你的原则吗？让他尊重你的原则啊。”
“No? Then why do you let him order you?
If he has principles, you don’t have them? Make yourself respected.”
这时候埃莉莎插了一句：
Elisa intervened:
“妈妈，彼得罗是一个绅士，你不知道一个真正的绅士是什么样的。”
“Ma, Pietro is a gentleman and you don’t know what a real gentleman is.”
“你知道？你要小心一点儿！你还小，不要插嘴，小心我扇你。你看到了他的头发了吗？一个绅士的头发是这样的吗？”
“And you do? Be careful, you’re small and
if you don’t stay in your place I’ll hit you. Did you see that hair? A
gentleman has hair like that?”
“绅士的外表是没有标准的，妈，一个人是不是绅士，能感觉得到的。”
“A gentleman doesn’t have normal
handsomeness, Ma, a gentleman you can tell, he’s a type.”
我母亲假装要打她，我妹妹笑着把我拉出了厨房，她很愉快地说：
My mother pretended she was going to hit
her and my sister, laughing, pulled me out of the kitchen, saying cheerfully:
“你真幸运，莱农！彼得罗真细致，他多爱你啊！他把他外婆的戒指送给你了，让我看看吧。”
“Lucky you, Lenù. How refined Pietro is,
how he loves you. He gave you his grandmother’s antique ring, will you show
it to me?”
我们回到了餐厅。家里的所有男性都在和我的未婚夫扳手劲，他们想要在力气上胜过这位教授。他丝毫不畏缩，脱了外套，把衬衣袖子挽了起来，坐在桌前。他和佩佩掰手腕输了，也输了詹尼，和我父亲比也输了。让我惊异的是他投入比赛的激情，他满脸通红，额头上青筋暴露。他说对手公然不遵守比赛规则，尤其是，他非常固执地和佩佩还有詹尼比力气，根本不考虑我的两个弟弟经常举铁，我父亲一只手可以拧开螺丝。扳手劲的整个过程，他一点儿也不让步，我担心他的手臂会断掉。
We returned to the dining room. All the
males of the house now wanted to arm-wrestle with my fiancé, they were eager
to show that they were superior to the professor at least in tests of
strength. He didn’t back off. He removed his jacket, rolled up his sleeve,
sat down at the table. He lost to Peppe, he lost to Gianni, he lost also to
my father. But I was impressed by how seriously he competed. He turned red, a
vein swelled on his forehead, he argued that his opponents were shamelessly
violating the rules of the contest. He held out stubbornly against Peppe and
Gianni, who lifted weights, and against my father, who was capable of
unscrewing a screw with just his bare hand. All the while, I was afraid that,
in order not to give in, he would break his arm.
-*-
23
彼得罗在那不勒斯待了三天，我的父亲和弟弟妹妹很快都对他产生了好感。尤其是我的两个弟弟，他们都很高兴，因为彼得罗一点架子也没有，尽管他们在学校里学习不好，但是彼得罗还是很看得起他们。我的母亲还是很客气，一直比较冷淡地对待他，只有在最后一天，她的态度才有一点儿缓和。那是一个星期天，我父亲说，他想给女婿展示一下那不勒斯有多美，他女婿也愿意，并建议我们一起在外面吃饭。
Pietro stayed for three days. My father
and brothers quickly became attached to him. My brothers were pleased that he
didn’t give himself airs and was interested in them even though school had
judged them incompetent. My mother on the other hand continued to treat him
in an unfriendly manner and not until the day before he left did she soften.
It was a Sunday, and my father said he wanted to show his son-*-law how
beautiful Naples was. His son-*-law agreed, and proposed that we should eat
out.
“在餐馆吃饭？”我母亲皱着眉头问。
“In a restaurant?” my mother asked,
scowling.
“是的，太太，我们要庆祝一下。”
“Yes, ma’am, we ought to celebrate.”
“还是我做饭吧，我们都说了，要再做一次土豆糕。”
“Better if I cook, we said we’d make you
another gattò.”
“不了，谢谢，您已经太辛苦了。”
“No, thank you, you’ve already done too
much.”
当我们准备出去时，我母亲把我拉到一边，问：
While we were getting ready my mother
drew me aside and asked:
“他付钱啊？”
“Will he pay?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“你确信？”
“Sure?”
“很确信，妈，是他说要请我们的。”
“Sure, Ma, he’s the one who invited us.”
我们一大早就去了市中心，穿得像过节一样。发生了一件让我感到震惊的事。我父亲承担起了做导游的职责，他给客人展示了安焦城堡、皇宫、国王的雕像、奥沃城堡，还有海滨路。彼得罗非常专注地听我父亲讲解，他是第一次来那不勒斯，但过了一会儿，他就很谨慎地讲起来了，讲了些我们都不知道的事情。感觉真好，我从来都没有对我童年和少年生活过的地方表现出什么特别的兴趣，让我惊异的是，彼得罗却知道那么多事情，而且说得头头是道。他表现出他很了解那不勒斯的历史、文学、传说、童话故事，还有很多奇闻轶事，以及那些有名的，或者因为忽视而被隐藏的建筑。我想着，他对这个城市的了解，一方面是因为他是一个无所不知的男人，另一个方面也有可能，他之所以用那种学究的方式深入研究了那不勒斯，是因为这是我的城市，因为我的声音、动作和所有一切都受到了这个城市的影响。当然，我父亲觉得自己被取代了，我的两个弟弟觉得很无聊。我意识到了这一点，就示意彼得罗不要讲了。他脸红了，马上就闭嘴了。但我的母亲还是像往常那样让人琢磨不透，她拉着彼得罗的一只胳膊，对他说：
We went into the city center early in the
morning, dressed in our best clothes. And something happened that first of
all amazed me. My father had taken on the task of tour guide. He showed our
guest the Maschio Angioino, the royal palace, the statues of the kings,
Castel dell’Ovo, Via Caracciolo, and the sea. Pietro listened attentively.
But at a certain point he, who was coming to our city for the first time,
began modestly to tell us about it, to make us discover our city. It was
wonderful. I had never had a particular interest in the background of my
childhood and adolescence, I marveled that Pietro could talk about it with
such learned admiration. He showed that he knew the history of Naples, the
literature, fables, legends, anecdotes, the visible monuments and those
hidden by neglect. I imagined that he knew about the city in part because he
was a man who knew everything, and in part because he had studied it
thoroughly, with his usual rigor, because it was mine, because my voice, my
gestures, my whole body had been subjected to its influence. Naturally my
father soon felt deposed, my brothers were annoyed. I realized it, I hinted
to Pietro to stop. He blushed, and immediately fell silent. But my mother,
with one of her unpredictable twists, hung on his arm and said:
“接着讲啊，我喜欢听，从来没有人跟我讲过这些事情。”
“Go on, I like it, no one ever told me
those things.”
我们在桑塔露琪亚的一条街上吃饭，按照我父亲的说法，这家餐馆是那不勒斯最好的（他从来都没有来过，他是听人说的）。
We went to eat in a restaurant in Santa
Lucia that according to my father (he had never been there but had heard
about it) was very good.
“我想吃什么就点什么吗？”埃莉莎在我耳边轻轻说。
“Can I order what I want?” Elisa
whispered in my ear.
“是的。”
“Yes.”
气氛很融洽，时间过得飞快。我母亲喝得有点儿多，说了几句不得体的话，我父亲、弟弟都和彼得罗开起了玩笑。我一直都关注着我未来的丈夫，我确信我很爱他，他是一个知道自己身份的人，但是假如有必要的话，他会很自然地忘记这些。我第一次注意到他倾听的能力，还有他谅解的语气，就好像他是一个听人忏悔的神父，虽然他是一个无神论者。我很喜欢这些，也许，我应该说服他多待一天。我可以带着他去见莉拉，告诉她：“我要嫁给这个男人，我要为了他离开那不勒斯，你怎么看，我做得对吗？”我心里琢磨着这件事情，我发现在距离我们不远的一张桌子上，有五六个学生在吃披萨，我不知道为什么，他们一直看着我们这边笑。我马上明白，他们觉得彼得罗浓密的眉毛，还有他头上的一撮头发很可笑。在短短几分钟里，我的两个弟弟就同时站了起来，走到那些学生面前，和他们一阵吵闹。场面乱七八糟，他们开始嚷嚷，拉拉扯扯，我母亲也骂了几句，支持自己的儿子，我父亲和彼得罗赶紧过去把他们拉开。彼得罗好像觉得很有趣，貌似根本都没有发现这场争吵的原因。我们走在路上，他用开玩笑的语气说：“这是你们这里的风俗啊，你们会忽然起身，和旁边桌子上的人打架？”最后，他和我的两个弟弟更加亲密了。但后来一有机会，我父亲就把佩佩和詹尼拉到一边，说他们在教授的面前丢脸了。我听见佩佩小声嘟囔着解释：“妈的！他们在取笑彼得罗，爸爸，我们该怎么做？”我很高兴，他们说的是彼得罗，而不是教授，这就是说，彼得罗已经被当成了家庭的一员了，一个家里人，一个非常棒的朋友，虽然他外表看起来不太正常，但任何人都不能当面取笑他。但这个插曲让我觉得，我最好不要把彼得罗带到莉拉那里：我了解她，她很坏，她会觉得彼得罗很可笑，她也会像餐馆的那些男孩子一样取笑他。
The time flew by pleasantly. My mother
drank too much and made some crude remarks, my father and my brothers started
joking again with each other and with Pietro. I didn’t take my eyes off my
future husband; I was sure that I loved him, he was a person who knew his
value and yet, if necessary, he could forget himself with naturalness. I
noticed for the first time his propensity to listen and his sympathetic tone
of voice, like that of a lay confessor, and they pleased me. Maybe I should
persuade him to stay another day and take him to see Lila, tell her: I’m
marrying this man, I’m about to leave Naples with him, what do you say, am I
doing well? And I was considering that possibility when at a nearby table
five or six students began to look at us insistently and laugh. I immediately
realized that they found Pietro funny-*-looking, no one could make fun of him
in his presence. But the incident convinced me that it was better not to take
Pietro to see Lila: I knew her, she was mean, she would find him ridiculous
and would make fun of him like the young men in the restaurant.
那天晚上，在外面走了一天之后，大家都筋疲力尽，我们吃了点东西，然后就又出去了，我们陪我的未婚夫走到宾馆楼下。分开时，我母亲兴高采烈地在彼得罗脸颊上亲了两下，一边一个，非常响亮。在我们回城区的路上，大家说了彼得罗很多好话，但我母亲一路上都在想自己的心事，一声不吭。只有在进房间睡觉之前，她才充满敌意地跟我说：
In the evening, exhausted by the day
outside, we ate at home and then we all went out again, taking my future
husband to the hotel. As we parted, my mother, in high spirits, unexpectedly
kissed him noisily on each cheek. But when we returned to the neighborhood,
saying a lot of nice things about Pietro, she kept to herself, without saying
a word. Before she went to her room she said to me bitterly:
“你太走运了，你配不上那个可怜的小伙子。”
“You are too fortunate—you don’t deserve
that poor boy.”
-*-
24
整个夏天，我的那本书都卖得很好，我到意大利各处去做宣传。现在，我学会了用一种旁观者的语气来捍卫它，有时候会让那些最有侵略性的听众很震惊。我时不时会想起吉耀拉跟我说的话，我把她的话和我的话混合在一起，试图让那些读者心服口服。
The book sold well all summer, and I
continued to talk about it here and there around the country. I was careful
now to defend it with a tone of detachment, at times chilling the more
inquisitive audiences. Every so often I remembered Gigliola’s words and I
mixed them with my own, trying to give them a place.
九月初的时候，彼得罗移居到了佛罗伦萨，住在距离火车站不远的一家小宾馆里。他开始找房子。他找到了一套出租的小房子，在卡尔米内圣母区那里，我马上就跑去看。那套房子有两个房间，光线不好，而且保养状况很糟糕，厨房很小，厕所没有窗子。以前，我在莉拉的新房子里学习时，她经常让我躺在她干净的大浴盆里，洗着温暖的泡泡浴，而佛罗伦萨这套房子的浴盆则残破不堪，而且有些发黄，是那种需要坐着洗澡的浴盆。但我忍住了我的不悦，我说这房子可以。彼得罗要开始上课了，他要工作，不能再浪费时间。无论如何，相对于我父母的房子，这简直就是王宫。
In early September, Pietro moved to
Florence, to a hotel near the station, and started looking for an apartment.
He found a small place to rent in the neighborhood of Santa Maria del
Carmine, and I went right away to see it. It was an apartment with two dingy
rooms, in terrible condition. The kitchen was tiny, the bathroom had no
window. When in the past I had gone to Lila’s brand-new apartment to study,
she would often let me stretch out in her spotless tub, enjoying the warm
water and the dense bubbles. The bathtub in that apartment in Florence was
cracked and yellowish, the type you had to sit upright in. But I smothered my
unhappiness, I said it was all right: Pietro’s course was starting, he had to
work, he couldn’t waste time. And, besides, it was a palace compared to my
parents’ house.
但是，就在彼得罗要签租房合同时，阿黛尔露面了，她不像我那么羞怯。她说那个房子简直太糟糕了，对于两个大部分时间都关在家里工作的人来说，太不合适了。于是，她做了本该由他儿子做的一件事。她拿起电话，动员她在佛罗伦萨的熟人——都是一些有权有势的人，帮着找房子，也不顾彼得罗的反对。没过多久，她就在圣尼古拉区找到了一套房子，有五个明亮的房间，一个大厨房，一个体面的洗手间，因为一个熟人的照顾，房租非常便宜。但她还不满意，她还自己掏钱，让这个地方变得更好，她帮助我装修了房子。她列了一个单子，提出建议，引导我，但我马上就察觉到，她不信任我的顺从，也不相信我的品味。假如我说是，她就想搞清楚我是不是真的同意；假如我说不，她就会一直问我，直到我改变主意。通常，我总是听她的；另一方面，我很少提出自己的观点，总是很顺从地跟在她后面，这并不是较劲，相反，我努力地向她学习，我受她的影响，包括说话的节奏、动作、发型、衣服、鞋子、别针、项链，总是很漂亮的耳环。她很喜欢我这种乖学生的态度，她说服我剪了短发。她让我去买了一些和她的衣服风格类似的服装，那是一家非常昂贵的店铺，但那时候在打折。她送给我一双她很喜欢的鞋子，她说她也很想买一双，但已经过了那个年纪，她甚至带我去看她认识的牙医。
However, just as Pietro was getting ready
to sign the lease, Adele arrived. She didn’t have my timidity. She judged the
apartment a hovel, completely unsuited to two people who were to spend a
large part of their time at home working. So she did what her son hadn’t done
and what she, on the other hand, could do. She picked up the telephone and,
paying no attention to Pietro’s show of opposition, marshaled some Florentine
friends, all influential people. In a short time she had found in San
Niccolò, for a laughable rent, because it was a favor, five light-filled
rooms, with a large kitchen and an adequate bathroom. She wasn’t satisfied
with that: she made some improvements at her own expense, she helped me
furnish it. She listed possibilities, gave advice, guided me. But I often
noted that she didn’t trust either my submissiveness or my taste. If I said
yes, she wanted to make sure I really agreed, if I said no she pressed me
until I changed my mind. In general we always did as she said. On the other hand,
I seldom opposed her; I had no trouble going along with her, and in fact made
an effort to learn. I was mesmerized by the rhythm of her sentences, by her
gestures, by her hair style, by her clothes, her shoes, her pins, her
necklaces, her always beautiful earrings. And she liked my attitude of an
attentive student. She persuaded me to cut my hair short, she urged me to buy
clothes of her taste in an expensive shop that offered her big discounts, she
gave me a pair of shoes that she liked and would have bought for herself but
didn’t consider suitable for her age, and she even took me to a friend who
was a dentist.
阿黛尔觉得那套房子还需要整修，同时彼得罗总是很忙，我们的婚礼就从秋季推到了春天，这使得我母亲借机就问我要钱。我尽量避免和她产生矛盾，我向她表示，我没有忘记自己的娘家和出身。电话装好了之后，我让人粉刷了厨房和走廊，还在餐厅墙上贴上了酒红色的墙纸，我给埃莉莎买了一件大衣，我分期付款买了一台电视机。后来，我也给自己送了一个礼物——我注册了驾驶学校，很容易就通过了考试，我拿到了驾照。但我母亲很不以为然，她说：
Meanwhile, because of the apartment that,
in Adele’s opinion, constantly needed some new attention, because of Pietro,
who was overwhelmed by work, the wedding was put off from autumn to spring,
something that allowed my mother to prolong her war to get money from me. I
tried to avoid serious conflicts by demonstrating that I hadn’t forgotten my
family. With the arrival of the telephone, I had the hall and kitchen
repainted, I had new wine-colored flowered wallpaper put in the dining room,
I bought a coat for Elisa, I got a television on the installment plan. And at
a certain point I also gave myself something: I enrolled in a driving school,
passed the exam easily, got my license. But my mother darkened:
“你喜欢浪费钱？你没有汽车，要驾照做什么？”
“You like throwing away money? What’s the
use of a license if you don’t have a car?”
“车下一步再说。”
“We’ll see later.”
“你想买汽车，嗯？你到底存了多少钱？”
“You want to buy a car? How much do you
really have saved up?”
“那不关你的事儿。”
“None of your business.”
彼得罗有汽车，我结婚后可以开他的车子。当他开车到那不勒斯，带着他父母来认识我的父母时，他让我开着他的车在新旧城区都转了一下。我坐在方向盘前，经过大路、小学、图书馆，我一路向前开，开到了莉拉结婚时住的房子，最后我开了回去，把车停在小花园那里。这次开车的体验，是那次会面我记住的唯一有趣的事。那个下午的其余时间都非常糟糕，我们吃了一顿无比漫长的晚餐。我和彼得罗都想尽一切办法，拉近两个家庭的距离，让他们自在一些。他们来自那么不同的两个世界，中间冷场的时间很长。当艾罗塔夫妇离开时，他们打包了很多剩菜，都是我母亲点的。我忽然间觉得我错了，我来自这个家庭，彼得罗来自另一个家庭，每个人都受自己祖先的影响。我们的婚姻会怎么样呢？等待我的是什么样的生活？我们会求同存异、战胜问题吗？我还能不能再写一本小说？什么时候写？关于什么？彼得罗会不会支持我？阿黛尔呢？马丽娅罗莎呢？
Pietro had a car, and once we were
married I intended to use it. When he returned to Naples, in the car, in
fact, to bring his parents to meet mine, he let me drive a little, around the
old neighborhood and the new one. I drove on the stradone, passing the
elementary school, the library, I drove on the streets where Lila had lived
when she was married, I turned back and skirted the gardens. That experience
of driving is the only good thing I can remember. Otherwise it was a terrible
afternoon, followed by an endless dinner. Pietro and I struggled to make our
families less uncomfortable, but they were so many worlds apart that the
silences were extremely long. When the Airotas left, loaded with an enormous
quantity of leftovers pressed on them by my mother, it suddenly seemed to me
that I was wrong about everything. I came from that family, Pietro from that
other, each of us carried our ancestors in our body. How would our marriage
go? What awaited me? Would the affinities prevail over the differences? Would
I be capable of writing another book? When? About what? And would Pietro
support me? And Adele? And Mariarosa?
有一天晚上，我脑子里想着这些事情时，听见有人在外面叫我。我跑到窗前，我马上听出那是帕斯卡莱·佩卢索的声音。我发现他不是一个人来的，他是和恩佐一起来的。我马上变得很警觉。这个时候，恩佐不应该在圣约翰·特杜奇奥吗？和莉拉还有詹纳罗一起在家里？
One evening, with thoughts like that in
my head, I heard someone call me from the street. I rushed to the window—I
had immediately recognized the voice of Pasquale Peluso. I saw that he wasn’t
alone, he was with Enzo. I was alarmed. At that hour shouldn’t Enzo be in San
Giovanni a Teduccio, at home, with Lila and Gennaro?
“你能下来一下吗？”帕斯卡莱对我喊道。
“Can you come down?” Pasquale shouted.
“发生了什么事儿？”
“What’s happening?”
“莉娜病了，她想见你。”
“Lina doesn’t feel well and wants to see
you.”
我马上来！我说，我一下子冲下了楼梯，尽管我母亲在我身后大喊：“都这个时候了，你去哪儿？回来！”
I’m coming, I said, and ran down the
stairs although my mother was shouting after me: Where are you going at this
hour, come back here.
-*-
25
我已经很长时间没见到帕斯卡莱和恩佐了，但他们一来就开门见山地说，他们是为了莉拉才来找我的，并马上就谈起了她的情况。帕斯卡莱留了切格瓦拉风格的胡子，我觉得这使他看起来好看一些了。他的眼睛看起来更大，更聚光了，浓密的胡子盖住了他的坏牙，即使是笑的时候也看不见。恩佐一点儿也没有变，他还是默不作声，很专注。只有当他们一起在帕斯卡莱的破汽车里抽烟时，我才意识到，看到他们在一起是一件多么让人惊异的事儿。我还以为，整个城区没有人会和莉拉还有恩佐来往。但现在我看到事情并非如此：帕斯卡莱还去他们家，他还陪着恩佐来找到我，莉拉让他们一起来找我。
I hadn’t seen either Pasquale or Enzo for
a long time, but they got right to the point—they had come for Lila and began
talking about her immediately. Pasquale had grown a Che Guevara-style beard
and it seemed to me that it had improved him. His eyes seemed bigger and more
intense, and the thick mustache covered his bad teeth even when he laughed.
Enzo, on the other hand, hadn’t changed, as silent, as compact, as ever. Only
when we were in Pasquale’s old car did I realize how surprising it was to see
them together. I had been sure that no one in the neighborhood wanted to have
anything to do with Lila and Enzo. But it wasn’t so: Pasquale often went to
their house, he had come with Enzo to get me, Lila had sent them together.
恩佐言简意赅地跟我说了发生的事情：帕斯卡莱在圣约翰·特杜奇奥附近的一个工地干完活儿之后，本想去他们家吃饭，莉拉通常下午四点半从工厂回来，但当恩佐和帕斯卡莱在七点回到家里时，还没看到她的影子。家里空荡荡的，詹纳罗还在邻居家。他们俩就开始做饭，恩佐让孩子先吃了。莉拉晚上九点才回到家里，她的脸色非常苍白，神情非常焦躁。恩佐和帕斯卡莱问她怎么了，她也不说。唯一一句她说的话，是带着恐惧说的：“我的指甲要掉了。”恩佐拿起她的手看了看，她说的并不是真的，她的指甲好好的。这时候，她非常气愤，就把自己和詹纳罗一起关在房间里。过了一会儿，她叫喊着，让他们去老城区看看我在不在，她有非常紧急的事要跟我说。
It was Enzo who in his dry and orderly
way told me what had happened: Pasquale, who was working at a construction
site near San Giovanni a Teduccio, was supposed to stop for dinner at their
house. But Lila, who usually returned from the factory at four-thirty, still
hadn’t arrived at seven, when Enzo and Pasquale got there. The apartment was
empty, Gennaro was at the neighbor’s. The two began cooking, Enzo fed the
child. Lila hadn’t shown up until nine, very pale, very nervous. She hadn’t
answered Enzo and Pasquale’s questions. The only thing she said, in a
terrified tone of voice, was: They’re pulling out my nails. Not true, Enzo
had taken her hands and checked, the nails were in place. Then she got angry
and shut herself in her room with Gennaro. After a while she had yelled at
them to find out if I was at home, she wanted to speak to me urgently.
我问恩佐：
I asked Enzo:
“你们吵架了吗？”
“Did you have a fight?”
“没有。”
“No.”
“她不舒服吗，上班时受伤了吗？”
“Did she not feel well, was she hurt at
work?”
“我觉得没有，我不知道。”
“I don’t think so, I don’t know.”
帕斯卡莱跟我说：
Pasquale said to me:
“你现在不要着急。我们要不要打个赌，莉娜一看见你，马上就会平静下来？我们能找到你，真是太高兴了。你现在已经是一个重要人物了，你一定很忙，有很多事儿。”
“Now, let’s not make ourselves anxious.
Let’s bet that as soon as Lina sees you she’ll calm down. I’m so glad we
found you—you’re an important person now, you must have a lot to do.”
我客气了一番，他提到了《团结报》上面的那篇旧文章，恩佐也点点头，说他也看了。
I denied it, but he cited as proof the
old article in l’Unità and Enzo nodded in agreement; he had also read it.
“莉拉也看了。”他说。
“Lila saw it, too,” he said.
“她说什么？”
“And what did she say?”
“她对那张照片很满意。”
“She was really pleased with the
picture.”
“然而，”帕斯卡莱嘟囔了一句，“他们让人觉得，你还是大学生。你应该写一封信给报纸，跟他们说你已经毕业了。”
“But they made it sound like you were
still a student,” Pasquale grumbled. “You should write a letter to the paper
explaining that you’re a graduate.”
他抱怨说，现在《团结报》给学生运动的空间很大，恩佐也表示同意。他们说的话，跟我在米兰听到的差不多，只是用词要粗糙一些。很明显，虽然我是他们的朋友，但我的照片刊登在了《团结报》上，他们想跟我谈论一个适合我的水平的问题，尤其是帕斯卡莱。也许他们说这些是为了打消他们的不安，还有我的忧虑。
He complained about all the space that
even l’Unità was giving to the students. Enzo said he was right, and they
held forth with arguments not so different from those I had heard in Milan,
only the vocabulary was cruder. It was clear that Pasquale especially wanted
to entertain me with arguments worthy of someone who, though she was their
friend, appeared in l’Unità with a photograph. But maybe they did it to
dispel the anxiety, theirs and mine.
我听他们说话，我马上明白，他们的关系因为政治热情而变得坚固，他们上完班经常见面，一起去参加意大利Communist员的聚会，或者其他会议。我听他们说话，有时候出于礼貌也说两句，他们也会回应我，但我没法摆脱我的担忧，莉拉总是那么坚强，但不知道被什么事情折磨崩溃了。我们去圣约翰·特杜奇奥的路上，他们好像为我感到骄傲，尤其是帕斯卡莱，我说的每个字他都在听，而且他还经常通过后视镜看我的反应。尽管他还是用那种权威的语气说话——他是城区的Communist支部书记——实际上，他希望得到我的认可，来增强自己的底气。这也是真的，获得了我的认可之后，他就跟我说，他和恩佐以及其他人要面对的党内冲突，他说，有的人就好像狗腿子——他皱着眉头，用手拍着方向盘——他们等着阿尔多·莫罗一个呼哨，就会跟随他去，而不是打破僵局，直接开始斗争。
I listened. I quickly realized that their
relationship had solidified precisely because of their political passion.
They often met after work, at party or some sort of committee meetings. I
listened to them, I joined in out of politeness, they replied, but meanwhile
I couldn’t get Lila out of my mind, Lila consumed by an unknown anguish, she
who was always so resistant. When we reached San Giovanni they seemed proud
of me, Pasquale in particular didn’t miss a single word of mine, and kept
checking on me in the rear-view mirror. Although he had his usual knowing
tone—he was the secretary of the local section of the Communist Party—he
ascribed to my agreement on politics the power to sanction his position. So
that, when he felt clearly supported, he explained to me, in some distress,
that, with Enzo and some others, he was engaged in a serious fight within the
party, which—he said, frowning, pounding his hands on the wheel—preferred to
wait for a whistle from Aldo Moro, like an obedient dog, rather than stop
procrastinating and join the battle.
“你是怎么想的？”他问。
“What do you think?” he asked.
“的确是这样。”我说。
“It’s as you say,” I said.
“你很棒！”他用庄严的语气赞美了我，我们走上了一道脏兮兮的楼梯，“你以前很出色，现在也一样。是不是，恩佐？”
“You’re clever,” he praised me then,
solemnly, as we were going up the dirty stairs, “you always were. Right,
Enzo?”
恩佐点了点头，但我明白，每上一级台阶，他对莉拉的担忧都在增加，我也感觉到同样的担忧，他觉得，说这些闲话让他很愧疚。他打开门，大声说我们回来了，然后他指着一道门，透过门上的毛玻璃，屋内透出暗淡的光。我轻轻地敲了一下门，走了进去。
Enzo nodded yes, but I understood that
his worry about Lila was increasing at every step, as it was in me, and he
felt guilty for being distracted by that chatter. He opened the door, said
aloud, We’re here, and pointed to a door whose top half was of frosted glass,
and through which a faint light shone. I knocked softly and went in.
-*-
26
莉拉躺在一张行军床上，身上穿着所有衣服，詹纳罗睡在她旁边。进来吧，她对我说，我就知道你会来，过来亲我一下。我亲了一下她的脸颊，我坐在了旁边一张空床上，那应该是她儿子的床。我上次见她是什么时候？已经过去了多长时间？我看到她更加消瘦，更加苍白了，她眼睛很红，鼻梁有些脱皮，修长的手指上有很多伤口。为了不吵醒孩子，她的声音很低，她几乎刻不容缓地对我说：“我在报纸上看到你了，你看起来真精神，头发很漂亮。我知道你做的一切事情，我知道你要结婚了，他是一个教授。你要去佛罗伦萨生活，很好！很抱歉，让你这个时候来这里，我的脑子现在不听我使唤了，就像要从墙上脱落的墙纸，你能来这里真好。”
Lila was lying on a cot, fully dressed.
Gennaro was sleeping next to her. Come in, she said, I knew you’d come, give
me a kiss. I kissed her on the cheeks, I sat on the empty bed that must be
her son’s. How much time had passed since I’d last seen her? I found her even
thinner, even paler, her eyes were red, the sides of her nose were cracked,
her long hands were scarred by cuts. She continued almost without a pause, in
a low voice so as not to wake the baby: I saw you in the newspapers, how well
you look, your hair is lovely, I know everything about you, I know you’re
getting married, he’s a professor, good for you, you’re going to live in
Florence, I’m sorry I made you come at this hour, my mind’s no help to me,
it’s coming unglued like wallpaper, luckily you’re here.
“发生了什么事？”我问她，我抚摸了一下她的一只手。
“What’s happening?” I asked, and moved to
caress her hand.
仅仅这个问题、这个动作，她就瞪大了眼睛，开始喘息，很快把手抽了出去。
That question, that gesture were enough.
She opened her eyes wide, clenched her hand, abruptly pulled it away.
“我病了，”她说，“你等一下，不要害怕，我会平静下来的。”
“I’m not well,” she said, “but wait,
don’t be scared, I’ll calm down now.”
她呼吸平稳了。她开始轻轻地，几乎是一字一句地说：
She became calm. She said softly,
enunciating the words:
“莱农，我麻烦你来，是想要你要答应我一件事情，因为我只信任你。假如我出什么事儿的话，假如我进医院，假如他们把我送到了疯人院，假如我失踪了，你要收留詹纳罗，你要带着他，让他生活在你家里。恩佐是个好人，也很出色，我信任他，但孩子的事只能委托给你，你能给孩子他不能给予的。”
“I’ve disturbed you, Lenù, because you
have to make me a promise, you’re the only person I trust: if something
happens to me, if I end up in the hospital, if they take me to the insane
asylum, if they can’t find me anymore, you have to take Gennaro, you have to
keep him with you, bring him up in your house. Enzo is good, he’s smart, I
trust him, but he can’t give the child the things you can.”
“为什么这么说？你怎么了？你如果不跟我解释，我怎么能明白。”
“Why are you talking like that? What’s
wrong? If you don’t explain I can’t understand.”
“你先答应我。”
“First promise.”
“好吧。”
“All right.”
她又变得很激动，让我很害怕。
She became agitated again, alarming me.
“不，你不应该只对我说：‘好吧。’你现在应该对我说，你会带着孩子。假如你需要钱，你可以去找尼诺，你跟他说，他应该会帮助你。但你要答应我，你要自己抚养他。”
“No, you mustn’t say all right; you must
say here, now, that you’ll take the child. And if you need money, find Nino,
tell him he has to help you. But promise: I will bring up the child.”
我有些不敢相信地看着她，答应了她。我承诺了之后，整个晚上，我都在听她说话。
I looked at her uncertainly. But I
promised. I promised and I sat and listened to her all night long.
-*-
27
也许，这是我最后一次非常详细地讲述莉拉的故事，后来，她变得越来越飘忽，难以捕捉。我没有太多资料，因为我们过着截然不同的生活，也因为我们距离太远。尽管如此，当我在别的城市生活，我们基本上没有见面，她也不告诉我她的情况，我尽量克制自己不去问她。她的影子刺激着我，有时候让我觉得沮丧，让我泄气，有时候又让我充满自豪，但从来都不让我安宁。
This may be the last time I’ll talk about
Lila with a wealth of detail. Later on she became more evasive, and the
material at my disposal was diminished. It’s the fault of our lives
diverging, the fault of distance. And yet even when I lived in other cities
and we almost never met, and she as usual didn’t give me any news and I made
an effort not to ask for it, her shadow goaded me, depressed me, filled me
with pride, deflated me, giving me no rest.
现在，在我叙述这些事情时，这种刺激对于我还是很必要的。我希望她在场，这也是我写作的目的。我希望她来删除，来补充，我想和她一起，投入地写我们的故事，按照她的灵感，她知道的、她说的，或者她想的来写：她面对法西斯分子吉诺的情景；她遇到加利亚尼老师的女儿娜迪雅时的情景；她从维托利奥·埃马努埃莱大街回家的情景，她感觉自己与那里的环境格格不入；还有她冷酷地回顾自己的性经验，我在听到她那些讲述时的尴尬和痛苦；还有在她漫长的讲述中，我说的极少几句话，以及我之后想到的事情。
Today, as I’m writing, that goad is even
more essential. I wish she were here, that’s why I’m writing. I want her to
erase, add, collaborate in our story by spilling into it, according to her
whim, the things she knows, what she said or thought: the time she confronted
Gino, the fascist; the time she met Nadia, Professor Galiani’s daughter; the
time she returned to the apartment on Corso Vittorio Emanuele where long ago
she had felt out of place; the time she looked frankly at her experience of
sex. As for my own embarrassments as I listened, my sufferings, the few
things I said during her long story, I’ll think about them later.
-*-
28
《蓝色仙女》变成了灰烬，在院子中的篝火上方飞扬，莉拉回去干活了。我不知道，我们这次会面给她带来了什么样的冲击。在接下来的几天里，她一定会觉得很不幸福，但她能控制自己，没有想这是为什么。她已经懂得了一个道理：追根究底会让她痛苦。她等着这种不幸福变成了一种坏心情，然后再转变成忧郁。她还是每天忙碌：照顾詹纳罗，整理床铺，打扫卫生，洗孩子的、恩佐的还有她自己的衣服，给他们三个人做饭，细心嘱托后，把孩子留给邻居，然后跑到工厂里上班，忍受辛苦和压榨，回来照顾她儿子，还有和儿子一起玩的几个孩子，负责做晚饭，三个人一起吃完饭，在恩佐收拾餐桌、洗碗时，她去哄詹纳罗睡觉，然后回到厨房里，帮助恩佐学习——这是他非常在意的一件事情，尽管很累，但莉拉不会拒绝和他一起学习。
As soon as The Blue Fairy turned to ash
in the bonfire of the courtyard, Lila went back to work. I don’t know how
strong an effect our meeting had on her—certainly she felt unhappy for days
but managed not to ask herself why. She had learned that it hurt to look for
reasons, and she waited for the unhappiness to become first a general
discontent, then a kind of melancholy, and finally the normal labor of every
day: taking care of Gennaro, making the beds, keeping the house clean,
washing and ironing the baby’s clothes, Enzo’s, and her own, making lunch for
the three of them, leaving little Rino at the neighbor’s with a thousand
instructions, hurrying to the factory and enduring the work and the abuses,
coming home to devote herself to her son, and also to the children Gennaro
played with, making dinner, the three of them eating again, putting Gennaro
to bed while Enzo cleared up and washed the dishes, returning to the kitchen
to help him study, something that was very important to him, and that, despite
her weariness, she didn’t want to deny him.
她在恩佐身上看到了什么呢？总的来说，我觉得，那是她在斯特凡诺和尼诺的身上也想看到的东西；就是把所有事情理顺，列入正轨的一种方法。但结果如何呢？当那个金钱构建的屏风倾塌，斯特凡诺露出了他的本来面目，他是一个没有内涵的危险人物；而尼诺呢，那个知识构建的屏风倒塌，他变成了一股痛苦的烟云；现在她觉得，恩佐不会做出什么让她受到惊吓的事情。因为一种莫名的原因，她一直对这个她在小学时代就很尊重的男生带有敬意，他现在长成了一个非常沉稳结实的男人，每个动作都那么坚定，面对世界那么坚定，对于她是那么温顺，这让她排除了他会忽然变脸的可能。
What did she see in Enzo? In essence, I
think, the same thing she had wanted to see in Stefano and in Nino: a way of
finally putting everything back on its feet in the proper way. But while
Stefano, once the screen of money vanished, had turned out to be a person
without substance and dangerous; while Nino, once the screen of intelligence
vanished, had been transformed into a black smoke of pain, Enzo for now
seemed incapable of nasty surprises. He was the boy whom, for obscure
reasons, she had always respected in elementary school, and now he was a man
so deeply compact in every gesture, so resolute toward the world, and so
gentle with her that she could be sure he wouldn’t abruptly change shape.
当然，他们还不在一起睡觉，莉拉还是没法接受。他们每个人关在自己的房间里，她听到他在隔壁走动的声音，等到他的动静慢慢平息下来，就只剩下街道、楼里和房子里的声音。尽管很累，但她很难入睡。在黑暗之中，所有不幸福的原因都集中在詹纳罗身上，出于慎重，她一直不想面对这个问题。她想：这个孩子会变成什么样子？她想：我再也不能叫他小名里诺奇奥了，这样很容易使他说方言。她想，假如我想避免他和其他孩子玩耍时被带坏，我应该也帮助其他孩子。她想，我没有时间，我自己跟之前也不一样了，我从来都不提笔写字了，也不读书了。
Of course, they didn’t sleep together.
Lila couldn’t do it. They shut themselves in their rooms, and she heard him
moving on the other side of the wall until every noise stopped and there
remained only the sounds of the apartment, the building, the street. She had
trouble falling asleep, in spite of her exhaustion. In the dark all the
reasons for unhappiness that she had prudently left nameless got mixed up and
were concentrated on Gennaro, little Rino. She thought: What will this child
become? She thought: I mustn’t call him Rinuccio, that would drive him to
regress into dialect. She thought: I also have to help the children he plays
with if I don’t want him to be ruined by being with them. She thought: I
don’t have time, I myself am not what I once was, I never pick up a pen, I no
longer read books.
有时候，她觉得胸口很闷，像压了一块大石头，这让她很警觉，会在半夜时打开灯，看着沉睡的儿子。从儿子的脸上，现在看不出尼诺的痕迹，倒是让她想起了她哥哥。詹纳罗小时候喜欢跟着妈妈，现在他很焦躁，也很让人厌烦，经常大喊大叫，想跑出去玩儿，话也不好好说。我很爱他——莉拉反思着——但我爱他这个样子吗？这是一个非常糟糕的问题。尽管她的邻居说詹纳罗非常聪明，但她越是仔细看着儿子，越是觉得他不是自己希望的那个样子。她感觉她非常投入地教育儿子的那些年，没有起到作用。一个人在童年受到的教育可以影响他一辈子——现在她觉得，这根本是一句假话。需要持之以恒，但詹纳罗没有长性，她自己也没长性。她想，我的脑子经常不听使唤，我本身有问题，孩子也有问题。然后，她为自己的想法感到羞愧，她低声对着睡着的孩子说：“你很棒，你已经能认字写字了，已经会做加减法了，你母亲是一个笨蛋，她永远也不知足。”她会吻一吻孩子的前额，关上灯。
Sometimes she felt a weight on her chest.
She became alarmed and turned on the light in the middle of the night, looked
at her sleeping child. She saw almost nothing of Nino; Gennaro reminded her,
rather, of her brother. When he was younger, the child had followed her
around, now instead he was bored, he yelled, he wanted to run off and play,
he said bad words to her. I love him—Lila reflected—but do I love him just as
he is? An ugly question. The more she observed her son, the more she felt
that, even if the neighbor found him very intelligent, he wasn’t growing up
as she would have liked. She felt that the years she had dedicated to him had
been in vain, now it seemed to her wrong that the quality of a person depends
on the quality of his early childhood. You had to be constant, and Gennaro
had no constancy, nor did she. My mind is always scattering, she said to
herself, I’m made badly and he’s made badly. Then she was ashamed of thinking
like that, she whispered to the sleeping child: you’re clever, you already
know how to read, you already know how to write, you can do addition and
subtraction, your mother is stupid, she’s never satisfied. She kissed the
little boy on the forehead and turned out the light.
但她还是无法入睡，尤其是有时候恩佐晚上回来晚了，他会直接去睡觉，没有叫她一起学习。在这种情况下，莉拉想象他可能去找了妓女，或者他有一个情人——一个和他一起在工厂工作的女工，或者是和他一起政治学习的女人。男人们都是这样，她想，至少我认识的男人都是这样，他们要不停地做爱，不这样的话，他们就不会幸福，我觉得恩佐也是一样，为什么他会不一样呢？再说，是我把他推开的，我让他一个人睡在床上，我还能期待什么呢？莉拉只是害怕他爱上别人，就会把她赶走，她并不担心自己流离失所，有了在肉食厂的工作，让她觉得自己很强大，让她惊异的是，现在她感觉自己要比嫁给斯特凡诺时更强大，那时候她非常有钱，但事事要依赖着他。她最害怕的是失去恩佐对她的关爱，对她的关注，还有他身上散发出的那种让人镇静的力量——就是尼诺离开她之后，还有面对斯特凡诺时，他来拯救她时表现出来的力量。再加上他们现在的生活状况，他是唯一一个相信她，坚持认为她有过人能力的人。
But still she couldn’t sleep, especially
when Enzo came home late and went to bed without asking her to study. On
these occasions, Lila imagined that he had met some prostitute or had a
lover, a colleague in the factory where he worked, an activist from the
Communist cell he had immediately joined. Males are like that, she thought,
at least the ones I’ve known: they have to have sex constantly, otherwise
they’re unhappy. I don’t think Enzo is any different, why should he be. And
besides I’ve rejected him, I’ve left him in the bed by himself, I can’t make
any demands. She was afraid only that he would fall in love and send her
away. She wasn’t worried about finding no roof over her head, she had a job
at the sausage factory and felt strong, surprisingly, much stronger than when
she had married Stefano and found herself with a lot of money but was
subjugated by him. Rather, she was afraid of losing Enzo’s kindness, the
attention he gave to all her anxieties, the tranquil strength he emanated and
thanks to which he had saved her first from Nino’s absence, then from
Stefano’s presence. All the more because, in her present situation, he was
the only one who gave her any gratification, who continued to ascribe to her
extraordinary capabilities.
“你知道这是什么意思吗？”
“You know what that means?”
“不知道。”
“No.”
“你仔细看看。”
“Look closely.”
“这是德语，恩佐，我不懂德语。”
“It’s German, Enzo, I don’t know German.”
“但如果你仔细看看，过会儿你就懂了。”他一半开玩笑，一半是认真地说。
“But if you concentrate, after a while
you’ll know it,” he said to her, partly joking, partly serious.
恩佐付出了巨大的努力才得到了现在的文凭，他认为，尽管莉拉只上到了小学五年级，但她要比自己聪明得多，他觉得莉拉有一种神奇的能力，可以迅速学会任何东西。实际上，根据手头上很少的一些资料，他就确信，电子计算机的程序语言蕴含着人类的未来，首先掌握这种语言的精英，也会成为这个世界中非常重要的人物。他马上就对莉拉说。
Enzo had worked hard to get a diploma and
had succeeded, but, even though she had stopped going to school in fifth
grade, he believed that she had a much brighter intelligence than he did and
attributed to her the miraculous quality of rapidly mastering any material.
In fact, when, with very little to go on, he nevertheless became convinced
that the languages of computer programming held the future of the human race,
and that the élite who first mastered them would have a resounding part in
the history of the world, he immediately turned to her.
“你帮帮我。”
“Help me.”
“我很累。”
“I’m tired.”
“我们现在的生活很糟糕，莉娜，我们要想办法改变。”
“The life we lead is disgusting, Lina, we
have to change.”
“我觉得现在很好。”
“For me it’s fine like this.”
“孩子整天都和别人在一起。”
“The child is with strangers all day.”
“他已经长大了，他不能一直生活在玻璃罩子下面。”
“He’s big, he can’t live in a bell jar.”
“你看看你的手成了什么样子了。”
“Look what bad shape your hands are in.”
“这是我的手，我想怎样就怎样。”
“They’re my hands and I’ll do as I like
with them.”
“我想多赚一些钱，为了你，也为了詹纳罗。”
“I want to earn more, for you and for
Gennaro.”
“你管好你自己，我考虑我的事儿。”
“You take care of your things and I’ll
take care of mine.”
莉拉通常都是很简洁地回绝。恩佐注册了一个函授课程——对于他们的收入来说，学费是非常大的一笔钱，他定期要把一些测验的答卷，发到苏黎世一个国际数据处理中心，他们修改好之后再发回来——渐渐地，恩佐说服了莉拉和他一起学习，她也努力跟着他学。但她现在的表现，和之前在尼诺跟前完全不一样；之前她是尽一切努力，想展示出她在各个方面都可以帮到尼诺；但是莉拉和恩佐一起学习时，她很平静，并没有尝试超越他。晚上，他们一起学习的几个小时，对于他来说是刻苦用功，对莉拉来说却起到了镇静作用。也许是因为这个原因，当恩佐回来晚了，很少的几次不需要她帮忙时，莉拉就会睡不着，她在焦虑不安中听着洗手间的水声，她想象着，恩佐想从身上洗去他的情人们留下的痕迹。
Harsh reactions, as usual. Enzo enrolled
in a correspondence course—it was expensive, requiring periodic tests to be
sent to an international data processing center with headquarters in Zurich,
which returned them corrected—and gradually he had involved Lila and she had
tried to keep up. But she behaved in a completely different way than she had
with Nino, whom she had assailed with her obsession to prove that she could
help him in everything. When she studied with Enzo she was calm, she didn’t
try to overpower him. The evening hours that they spent on the course were a
struggle for him, for her a sedative. Maybe that was why, the rare times he
returned late and seemed able to do without her, Lila remained wakeful,
anxious, as she listened to the water running in the bathroom, with which she
imagined Enzo washing off his body every trace of contact with his lovers.
-*-
29
她马上就明白，在工厂里，过度的劳累使人们不想在自己家里和妻子或丈夫做爱，因为他们回到家时已经筋疲力尽，没有欲望了，但在工厂，在工作的地方，他们早上或者下午都会想干。男人会利用一切机会，伸出手来占你便宜，他们会利用经过你身边的机会，向你求欢；而那些女人，尤其是上了年纪的女人，她们会笑着，用丰满的胸脯蹭着那些男人，他们会相爱，性爱会成为一种缓解辛劳和厌倦的调剂，让人感受到一种真实的生活。
In the factory—she had immediately
understood—overwork drove people to want to have sex not with their wife or
husband in their own house, where they returned exhausted and empty of
desire, but there, at work, morning or afternoon. The men reached out their
hands at every opportunity, they propositioned you if they merely passed by;
and women, especially the ones who were not so young, laughed, rubbed against
them with their big bosoms, fell in love, and love became a diversion that
mitigated the labor and the boredom, giving an impression of real life.
从刚开始上班的几天，那些男性就和莉拉套近乎，他们走得很近，就像要闻她的味道一样。莉拉会推开他们，那些男人会笑起来，会唱着有色情意味的小曲儿离开。有一天早上，她想坚决表明自己的立场，她几乎快把一个男人的耳朵撕下来，因为他经过她身边时，说了一句很过分的话，而且在她脖子上狠狠亲了一下。那是一个四十多岁，看起来很健壮的男人，名字叫做艾多，爱讲荤段子，对每个女人都很黏糊。莉拉一下用手捏住了他的耳朵，用尽全力向下扯，指甲嵌进了他的肉里，尽管那男人在大喊，在躲避她的拳打脚踢，但她还是不放手。发生这事情之后，她怒不可遏，跑到布鲁诺·索卡沃跟前去抗议。
From Lila’s first days the men had tried
to get close, as if to sniff her. Lila repulsed them, and they laughed or
went off humming songs full of obscene allusions. One morning, to make things
perfectly clear, she almost pulled off the ear of a man who passing by had
made a lewd remark and pressed a kiss on her neck. He was a fairly attractive
man in his forties, named Edo, who spoke to everyone in an allusive way and
was good at telling dirty jokes. Lila grabbed the ear with one hand and
twisted it, pulling with all her strength, her nails digging into the
membrane, without letting go her grip even though the man was yelling, as he
tried to parry the kicks she was giving him. After which, furious, she went
to see Bruno Soccavo to protest.
自从布鲁诺雇用了莉拉之后，莉拉很少看见他，每次都匆匆忙忙的，并没有太留心他。那次，她有机会仔细地观察他，布鲁诺当时站在写字台后面，他还特意地站起身来，就像一位绅士看到有一位女士进入到房间里的表现。莉拉感到非常惊异：布鲁诺·索卡沃的脸是肿的，眼睛因为臃肿而显得浑浊，胸脯也很肥壮，尤其是他的脸色，那是一种像岩浆一样的鲜红，在漆黑的头发和狼一样的白牙衬托下，显得很突兀。她心想：眼前的这个人和之前尼诺那个学习法律的同学有什么共同之处？她感觉伊斯基亚的时光和香肠厂之间没有连贯性：布鲁诺从一个空间跳跃到另一个空间，这两者之间是一片空旷。也许是因为他父亲最近生病了，整个公司的重担（有人说是债务）忽然落到了他的肩膀上，他现在被毁掉了。
Lila had seen him only a few times since
he hired her––fleetingly, without paying him much attention. In that
situation, however, she was able to observe him closely. He was standing
behind the desk; he had risen deliberately, the way men do when a woman
enters the room. Lila was amazed: Soccavo’s face was bloated, his eyes
shrouded by dissipation, his chest heavy, and his flushed complexion clashed
like magma against his black hair and the white of his wolfish teeth. She
wondered: what does this man have to do with the young man, the friend of
Nino who was studying law? And she felt there was no continuity between the
time on Ischia and the sausage factory: between them stretched a void, and in
the leap from one space to the other Bruno—maybe because his father had been
ill recently and the weight of the business (the debts, some said) had fallen
suddenly on his shoulders—had changed for the worse.
她对布鲁诺说了自己遇到的问题，布鲁诺笑了起来。
She told him her complaints, he began to
laugh.
“莉娜，”他提醒说，“我帮了你一个忙，拜托你不要给我惹事儿。这里大家都很辛苦，你不要总是全副武装，浑身都是刺儿，人们时不时需要消遣一下，不然会滋事儿的。”
“Lina,” he warned her, “I did you a
favor, but don’t make trouble for me. We all work hard here, don’t always
have your gun aimed: people have to relax every so often, otherwise it causes
problems for me.”
“你们之间消遣吧，别惹我。”
“The rest of you can relax with each
other.”
他饶有兴趣地看了莉拉一眼：
He ran his eyes over her with a look of
amusement.
“我之前觉得你喜欢开玩笑。”
“I thought you liked to joke.”
“那是我想开玩笑的时候。”
“I like it when I decide.”
莉拉不客气的话让布鲁诺的语气也变了。他变得很严肃，眼睛没有看着莉拉，说：“你还是老样子，在伊斯基亚时，你多美啊。”然后，他指着门说：“你去干活吧，去吧。”
Lila’s hard tone made him change his. He
became serious, he said without looking at her: you’re the same as ever—so
beautiful in Ischia. Then he pointed to the door: go to work, go on.
但从那时候开始，每次布鲁诺在工厂里遇到她时，都会当着所有人的面，说她几句好话，意思是：她在年轻的老板的眷顾之下，你们最好别招惹她。在一天下午，这件事情好像得到了证实，在刚刚吃完中午饭的时候，一个叫特蕾莎的大胖女人拦住她，阴阳怪气地对她说：“请你去风干室一趟。”莉拉来到了那个风干香肠的大房间，那是一个四方形的房间，在发黄的灯光下，天花板上挂满了香肠。她在那里看到了布鲁诺，表面上，他在那儿检查香肠，但实际上他想聊天。
But from then on, when he met her in the
factory, he never failed to speak to her in front of everyone, and he always
gave her a good-humored compliment. That familiarity in the end sanctioned
Lila’s situation in the factory: she was in the good graces of the young
Soccavo, and so it was as well to leave her alone. This seemed to be
confirmed when one afternoon, right after the lunch break, a large woman
named Teresa stopped her and said teasingly: you’re wanted in the seasoning
room. Lila went into the big room where the salamis were drying, a
rectangular space crammed with salamis hanging from the ceiling in the yellow
light. There she found Bruno, who appeared to be doing an inspection but in
reality wanted to chat.
他在房间里走来走去，这里摸摸，那儿嗅嗅，一脸很在行的样子。他询问了她嫂子皮诺奇娅的消息，这让莉拉很烦。他看都没看她一眼，一直在那儿查看腊肠，他说：“她对你哥哥一直都不满意，那年夏天，她爱上了我，就像你爱上了尼诺。”然后他向前走了一步，背对着她，继续说：“她让我发现，怀孕的女人很喜欢做爱。”说完，他没有给她评论、讽刺或者生气的机会，他停在了房间的中央说，从小这个工厂的所有一切都让他恶心，但在风干室里，他一直感觉很好，很满意，产品在这里会变得完美，散发着诱人的气息，已经准备好上市了。他说：“你看看，摸摸。这些香肠很紧致，也很硬。你闻闻这味道，有点像男人和女人抱在一起，互相抚摸的味道。你喜欢吗？你不知道，从小我把多少女人带到这里。”说到这里，他一下子就抱住了莉拉的腰，嘴唇顺着她的脖子向下滑，同时还抚摸着她的屁股，就好像有一百只手在她的围裙上下翻动，动作非常迅速焦灼，那是一种没有乐趣的探测，一种纯粹的侵犯。
While he wandered around the room poking
and sniffing with the air of an expert, he asked her about Pinuccia, her
sister-*-law, and—a thing that irritated Lila—said, without looking at her,
in fact as he examined a soppressata: she was never happy with your brother,
she fell in love with me that summer, like you and Nino. Then he passed by
and, with his back to her, added: it was thanks to her that I discovered that
pregnant women love to make love. Then, without giving her the time to
comment or make a sarcastic remark or get angry, he stopped in the middle of
the room and said that while the place as a whole had nauseated him ever
since he was a child, here in the drying room he had always felt comfortable,
there was something satisfying, solid, the product that was nearly finished,
acquiring refinement, spreading its odor, being readied for the market. Look,
touch it, he said to her, it’s compact, hard, smell the fragrance it gives
off: it’s like the odor of man and woman when they embrace and touch—you like
it?—if you knew how many girls I’ve brought here since I was a boy. And just
then he grabbed her by the waist, slid his lips down her long neck, as he
squeezed her bottom—he seemed to have a hundred hands, he was rubbing her on
top of the apron, underneath it, at a frenetic and breathless speed, in an
exploration without pleasure, a pure intrusive desire.
对于莉拉来说，这里的每样东西，包括香肠的味道，都让她想起了斯特凡诺的暴戾。有几秒钟，她感到很懵，她害怕被杀死。但她很快就回过神来，她一边气急败坏地袭击了他的脸，还有双腿之间，一边叫喊：“你这坨狗屎！你下面什么也没有！你过来，掏出来看看，看我敢不敢给你揪下来，你这个混蛋！”
For Lila everything, except the smell of
the salamis, reminded her of Stefano’s violence and for several seconds she
felt annihilated, she was afraid of being murdered. Then fury seized her, and
she hit Bruno in the face and between the legs, she yelled him, you are a
shit of a man, you’ve got nothing down there; come here, pull it out so I can
cut it off, you shit.
布鲁诺放开她，向后退了几步。他摸了一下流血的嘴唇，很尴尬地讪笑了一下，嘟囔了一句：“对不起，我还以为，你会对我有点儿感激之情呢。”莉拉对着他叫喊道：“你是想说，我应该有所表示，否则的话，你会解雇我，是不是这样？”他又笑了，摇了摇头说：“不是的，假如你不愿意，那就算了，我已经向你道歉了，我还要怎么做？”但她当时气疯了，只有在这时候，她才感受到他的手在她身上留下的感觉，她知道，那种恶心的感觉很难消除，不是用肥皂就可以去掉的。她走到门口，对他说：“这次算你走运，但是不管你开不开除我，你碰了我，这事儿我会记着。”她出去时，布鲁诺小声嘀咕说：“我到底把你怎么了？我什么都没有做，你过来，假如这是问题所在，那我们好好谈谈。”
Bruno let go, retreated. He touched his
lip, which was bleeding, he snickered in embarrassment, he mumbled: I’m
sorry, I thought there might be at least a little gratitude. Lila shouted at
him: You mean I have to pay a penalty, or you’ll fire me, is that it? He
laughed again, shook his head: No, if you don’t want to you don’t want to,
that’s all, I apologized, what else should I do? But she was beside herself,
only now did she begin to feel on her body the traces of his hands, and she
knew it would last, it wasn’t something she could wash off with soap. She
backed up toward the door, she said to him: You were lucky right now, but
whether you fire me or not, I swear I’ll make you curse the moment you
touched me. As she was leaving he muttered: What did I do to you, I didn’t do
anything, come here, as if these were real problems, let’s make peace.
她马上回到了自己的工位。那时候，她在热水池的蒸汽中间干活，是一份辅助性的工作，就是要保持地板干燥，但她常常劳而无获。艾多，就是那个耳朵差点儿被扯下来的工人，用一种好奇的目光看着她。她从储存室回来时，所有男女工人的目光都落在了她身上。莉拉谁的脸都没看，她拿起一块抹布，摔在地板砖上，开始擦地，地上全是水。她声音很大，一字一句地说：“我们看看，还有哪个婊子养的还想试。”她的那些工友都在埋头干活。
She went back to her job. At the time she
was working in the steamy vat room, as a kind of attendant who among other
things was supposed to keep the floor dry, a fruitless task. Edo, the one
whose ear she had almost torn off, looked at her with curiosity. All of them,
men and women, kept their eyes on her as she returned, enraged, from the
drying room. Lila didn’t exchange a glance with anyone. She grabbed a rag,
slammed it down on the bricks, and began to wipe the floor, which was a
swamp, uttering aloud, in a threatening tone: Let’s see if some other son of
a bitch wants to try. Her companions concentrated on their work.
有好几天时间，她都等着被解雇，但没人通知她。有几次，她遇到布鲁诺，他做出一个客气的微笑，而她冷冰冰地点个头。因此，除了那双小短手摸她带来的恶心的感觉，还有一阵阵仇恨，没有别的后果。但那些工头看着莉拉还是那副高傲的样子，谁的脸色都不看，他们忽然态度大变，开始折磨起她来，不停地给她换工种，让她工作到筋疲力尽，而且常常对她恶语相向，这意味着，他们获得了老板的默许。
For days she expected to be fired, but
she wasn’t. If she happened to run into Bruno, he smiled kindly, she
responded with a cold nod. No consequences, then, except disgust at those
short hands, and flashes of hatred. But since Lila continued to show the same
contemptuous indifference toward the supervisors, they suddenly began to
torment her again, by constantly changing her job, forcing her to work until
she was worn out, making obscene remarks. A sign that they had been given
permission.
但是，她没跟恩佐说那只差点儿被撕下来的耳朵、布鲁诺的侵犯，还有每天遭受的欺负和辛苦。假如他问起肉食厂的情况，她总是用带着嘲讽的语气回答说：“你为什么不说说你干活的地方的情况？”这时候，他默不作声了。莉拉会开他玩笑，然后他们会一起做函授课程的练习。他们都在逃避问题，这有几个方面的原因，最主要的是避免考虑未来，考虑这些问题：他们俩到底是什么关系？为什么他会照顾她，还有詹纳罗？为什么她要接受他这么做？为什么他们在一个屋檐下生活了那么久，恩佐还是每天晚上枉然等着她来找他？他在床上辗转反侧，借口去厨房喝水，看一眼她房门上的玻璃，想看看她的灯有没有关掉，想要看看她的身影。他们一声不吭，都在试探——如果他敲门，我就让他进来——他的迟疑，她的犹豫。最后，他们都更愿意把脑子用在那些模式和练习本上，就好像这是一种体育锻炼。
She didn’t tell Enzo anything about
almost tearing off the ear, about Bruno’s attack, about the everyday
harassments and struggles. If he asked her how things were going at the
sausage factory, she answered sarcastically: Why don’t you tell me how it is where
you work? And since he was silent, Lila teased him a little and then together
they turned to the exercises for the correspondence course. They took refuge
there for many reasons, the most important being to avoid questions about the
future: what were they to each other, why was he taking care of her and
Gennaro, why did she accept it, why had they been living together for so long
while Enzo waited in vain every night for her to join him, tossing and
turning in the bed, going to the kitchen with the excuse of getting a drink
of water, glancing at the door with the frosted glass to see if she had
turned off the light yet and to look at her shadow. Mute tensions—I knock, I
let him enter—his doubts, hers. In the end they preferred to dull their senses
by competing with block diagrams as if they were equipment for gymnastics.
“我们做一个开门的模式。”莉拉说。
“Let’s do the diagram of the door
opening,” Lila said.
“我们做一个领带结的模式。”恩佐说。
“Let’s do the diagram of knotting the
tie,” Enzo said.
“我们做一个我给詹纳罗绑鞋带的模式。”莉拉说。
“Let’s do the diagram of tying Gennaro’s
shoes,” Lila said.
“我们做一个用咖啡壶煮咖啡的模式。”恩佐说。
“Let’s do the diagram of making coffee in
the napoletana,” Enzo said.
从简单的事情到复杂的事情，尽管苏黎世的测试不会考察这些问题，他们为完成这些日常生活的模式绞尽脑汁。并不是因为恩佐想做这些，而是像通常一样，莉拉开始进行大胆尝试，每天晚上，她都会比之前更加活跃。尽管晚上家里很冷，但她充满狂热，这些练习把围绕着她的悲惨世界简化为0和1。她好像要寻求一种抽象的简洁——抽象中的抽象，她希望能获取一种让人欣慰的正解。
From the simplest actions to the most
complicated, they racked their brains to diagram daily life, even if the
Zurich tests didn’t require it. And not because Enzo wanted to but because,
as usual, Lila, who had begun diffidently, grew more and more excited each
day, and now, in spite of the cold at night, she was frantic to reduce the
entire wretched world they lived in to the truth of 0s and 1s. She seemed to
aspire to an abstract linearity—the abstraction that bred all
abstractions—hoping that it would assure her a restful tidiness.
“我们要让工厂模式化。”她有一天晚上提议说。
“Let’s diagram the factory,” she proposed
one evening.
“工厂的每道工序？”他有些不安地问。
“The whole process?” he asked,
bewildered.
“是的。”
“Yes.”
他看着莉拉说：
He looked at her, he said:
“我们从你的工厂开始。”
“All right, let’s start with your job.”
她做了一个厌烦的表情，嘟囔了一句晚安，然后回自己房间了。
An irritated scowl crossed her face; she
said good night and went to her room.
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