I am going to do something about my depression, it keeps coming back. What I want to say today is about love.
Love is natural and the most wonderful thing in the world. There are many kinds of love, what I am talking about is unrelated love, between I and my American parents.
They were my parents in law. Very nice people. I still remember first time my Dad showed me how to use the washer, I said “Yes Daddy”, haha I could not even tell difference between Daddy and Dad that time! In America, children in law do not call parents in law Mom and Dad, but in China, we do. So I called my parents in law Mom and Dad, I bet they took some time to get used to it. :) And once my Dad talked about pineapple, I didn’t understand, so he drew one on the paper to show me, he was cute wasn’t he ?Things were totally different when dealing with American family, but we didn’t have much problem to get along, as they are very considerate, especially my Mom. She explained things like 7 times to make sure I understand (blame to my bad English), adored my son and me, kept taking us to places and places, and bought everything we need no matter how many times I said No.
2-year old Lele was very lucky to have his Grandma. When we just moved here, Lele could not speak much English, neither understand. So whenever and wherever Grandma took him, they actually didnot understand each other, but it didn’t matter at all. Less than 10days, Lele went to his Grandma often, she won his heart by caring and loving him. Kids always know who loves them.
We had a lot of fun to bond, and I got used to talk about everything with my Mom, except my depression in the marriage. But she knew it, she saw my blue, she saw me crying silently on the table, so she tried everything to make me happy. I really appreciated what she did for me, I felt like I and her fell in love (Hope my Dad not jealous if he knows), because whatever part my ex not did, she did. And when I first time mentioned about divorce, she said she wouldn’t blame me (If in China, the mother in law usually objects divorce). And she kept telling me I and the kids would always have a home.
Nobody knew about God’s plan. My Mom’s fate changed after she was told she got lung cancer in Aug 2016. I thought she was joking when she told us this bad news (Just because I could not believe a nice person like her could get cancer and of course I didn’t want to lose her). She resigned from her old job in July with my Dad, they were actually looking for new jobs together. My Dad got a new job, she was just waiting and looking. She could get a better job like my Dad, but the disease hit her really bad. She worked really hard in all her life to take care everything of her family except herself, things were about to get much better, she could not take the bad news, I guess. So she really has a bad time at home, Aug to middle Nov 2016, when my deepest desperation came from. We both were not working, I had to deal with Lele all the time, I was pregnant 4-8 months, my ex didn’t really care about me, I had hard time too. So I and Mom had a lot of conflicts, I would not like to say details, but I was thinking about suicide couple times, and I cried in my neighbor’s house, and I was looking for a shelter. The depression came from three parts, my ex, my kid and my Mom, depression for dealing with her almost killed me. We were totally different, she was a strong woman, talked fast , acted fast, and used very strong American words, I was weak, and the most important part was, I considered her as a patient, had sympathy on her, didnot want to hurt her by any words. So to be frank, I knew she was not meaning to hurt me, but I did get hurt everyday, I stressed myself out. As I could not really do anything to get rid of the situation (was going to file the divorce paper but heard the judge wouldn’t be made until the baby was born), I started to walk out more often, almost everyday I took Lele out, to the park or taking bus to the mall (If I had little money), 2-4hours outside as long as the weather was okay. I did get a lot of trouble from pregnancy, constipation, very bad varicose veins, intermittent deafness under the noise or heat and endless sleepless, but I had to keep going outside, I wanted to escape from that house, from my Mom’s bad “temper”, from the suffocating space, I was very exhausted and desperate, but I tried my best to stand still for myself and my kids. Until Nov 8 2016, a special day I didn’t mean to remember but I remembered it, my Dad yelled at me for a little thing, I cried out, then he calmed down and came to say sorry, and told me why he yelled, the reason had no business with me. But I took the heat. That was the last snowflake before avalanche. I could not take it any more, so I texted my Mom, telling her I didn’t want to rely on them and she knew I was so independent even I didn’t have money, I told her I would move out as soon as I got a place. She said sorry for my Dad, telling me he didn’t mean to, but she didn’t know the one who hurt me for so long was her attitude not my Dad’s. But I didn’t say anything, I still cared about her a lot.
Things got better after the blowing out, then my daughter was born, she brought peace and happiness to our family like an angel. Smiles came back to my Mom’s face, she laughed more often, I felt so much better. My Mom helped me a lot in the first month, good atmosphere and the baby made my depression go away. I and my Mom went shopping crazy on Black Friday, we played family games when we were free, we had a best Thanksgiving And Christmas ever.
I always did as I said, I was still looking for a place to move out. God must have heard me, I met a Chinese friend who was thinking to rent out her upstairs, so she urged her husband to get upstairs things well arranged, it took about 6 weeks, we finally moved in her house on April 15 2017, a Saturday. Thanks God, I didn’t feel I and the kids were burden any more! I felt so happy to get kids’ Daddy out of his Mom’s house, I was hoping my marriage last longer than now, getting him under his Mom’s cover was my first move. Peace was returned to my Mom, I guess. She came to visit us often and we sometimes went back to have dinners with them on holidays. We felt more close than when we lived together.
But as I said nobody knew about God’s plan, we had some arguments with my friend couple, her husband asked us to leave after 6months due. My friend felt sorry to me, because I did nothing wrong(I don’t want to tell why we were kicked out). Kids’ Daddy tried to find a place, failed, my friends helped me too, no plans worked fast, so I was looking for a shelter again, , to be frank, I didn’t want to move back to live with his parents! I told this to my Mom, she didn’t want the kids to live on the street, but I said I didn’t want to take the peace away from them again. Anyway she took over, she was strong woman. So we moved back on Oct 13 2017, so my depression came back. I had depression on parenting when we were in my friend’s house, but that went away when Lele went to 4K. A little better thing was, I got a job before moving back, I paid the rent, helped them out on the bills. Actually I started to pay rent in Nov 2016, yes I didn’t have a job, but I thought the reason we were fighting same as my Dad said-we lived free there, so I started to pay little rent once I got paid from my Chinese part-time sales job. My Mom could ask Kids’ Daddy to share the rent, but she didnot, she kept the pressure on themselves, while double on me (which they didn’t mean to) as I was the one who was home everyday and saw everything. I kept telling her, if she didn’t make dinner or buy anything for the kids that was fine, I was taking care of the kids, but she didn’t follow. I guess all grandmas wouldn’t, because they care. Later my Mom and Dad looked for new house, then we got current house, they thought conflicts could be avoided when we moved to big house, I didn’t agree at all. My best friend’s family lived a small apartment, 5 people (Grandparents, parents and baby), 2 bedrooms, one bathroom, very small living room, but they were happy. They talked nice in the family, asked and discussed together when they wanted to do something, we lived very close, I saw them often, they never fighted like us, even arguments, barely happened.
But I admitted we need a bigger house, and I appreciated my Mom and Dad got a three bedroom for us.
Well, big house big bill, we pay the rent, which is still small part of the whole money my Mom and Dad are paying, but that is what I can afford right now. My marriage didn’t work out, I and kids’ Daddy divorced in May, I discussed moving out with my Mom and Dad, they hope us stay. First thinking about my kids, living with their grandparents is the best option I have, but from my heart, I really don’t mind to live in a crappy place, I am the mother, I will always make a home for my kids, with my love and passion. I choose to stay, means, I chose to deal with my old depression in daily life, my Mom’s mood swings too much, like a roller coaster. She is a worried lady, nobody can change that except herself. I try to to give her money to make her happy but I work so limit hours now, I try to take kids out as much as I can without asking her to give a ride but for the places can not be reached by feet I really need help, I try to cook as simply as I can (explained why I mostly boiled everything) but sometimes I crave some home style food plus kids are bored with what I cook, I try to not damage her things but I can not control the kids all the time. And I try to not think about being a burden as my Dad tells me she yells at him more often, he says just let it go like running water, but it is so frustrating. I care about her a lot, I have thought about thousands times to discuss about her temper with her but I didn’t until today, if she sees my post tomorrow morning.
This letter is for her.
Dear Mom,
I am sorry that I can not do anything about your sickness, I know you are suffering, nobody can take away or share your pain, nobody understands your pressure, nobody has the life you had, nobody experiences the worry you experienced, and nobody takes care our family like you do. But, love is always in our family, you are with us, you are cared and loved all the time, please just relax and put away your worry, because, you are the unique you, in our family and in our hearts, kids love you, I love you, I care about you more than caring my own Mom (Sorry my birth mother), I don’t know how to make you happy, I feel painful to still rely on you. Though I can not help much but I try to help more, whatever you ask me to do to make you happy, I will do it (Not including driving and riding a bike, I can not do right now)!
You know once I was serving a customer in floral, she was looking for flowers for her Mom, she picked a pretty bunch, then I offered to pack the flowers, then she said there was no need, flowers for the grave. I suddenly froze, lost my words, my mind was thinking about you, I didn’t want to visit you in the graveyard, I didn’t want to lose you!
I don’t want to talk about your death or hear it, because I want you to live long, long enough that one day I can do some things for you. I sometimes complain about you(if you are happier to hear I don’t complain then I will lie), sometimes disagree with you, sometimes ignore you, because I am not a perfect person, I have my blue days or I just want to be myself, I never mean to make any troubles for you(If UPS send my packages again just leave them, Lele can do it), I want you happy and see you smiling often.
I truly love you.
Sofia
(P.S: Sorry the letters are so small on Facebook post, blame to Mark Zuckerberg.)
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