Eleemosynary

    I don't really want to go back to text. But I cannot deny that play, after I first read it, I feel stunned and feeling so hurtful in the moment.

    The title means that, people, like words, discover who they are in relationships, not in a static dictionary definition, but in the mutual struggle to be heard and understood.

    It was a very random chance that I encounter this play. Our teacher asked us to find monologue and I fought this piece in audition challenge in high school play. I did not look at it closely and selected it because I was running out of time. 

    But this piece turns out to be very suitable for me. I thought I have so big a gap with the character, since we have complete different backgrounds. But that is actually not true. I was trying really hard to memorize the piece, I used the method that repeating it emotionally for multiple times, thinking about what character (Echo) might act. Then, I gradually realized that she is so much like me, talking with my father. My father is that kind of person. Our relationship solely depends on my contribution, since he never thinks about calling me, might be because of shyness or awkwardness. I can only start my initiative to improve our relationship. So many times I gave up and felt disappointed, but sometimes, I feel a little bit of his love and try again. My efforts might not be very significant considering the unfairness of the relationship, but I kept my faith in him, and sometimes trusting his words more than my mom even my mom spend more time with me. 

    I sometimes think that maybe father encounters similar problems that Artie have. He might have some past that he cannot cross over which blocks our relationship. Artie was an complicated character too. Suffering from her mom's pedantic lifestyle and wanting to take control of everything. She feels so vulnerable and helpless, wanting to move away from her mom. Left with her daughter was an difficult choice, but she simply want to run out of her mom's control and anything that was relating to her. She feel so sorry about abandoning her daughter, and that might be reason that she rarely want to build relationship with her daughter because she was so ashamed. 

    And only in the monologue that I chose to memorize, I can sense so much boldness that is so different from her age. Her words "I am going to stay with you, i am going to prepare you for me, I am going to cultivate you, I am going to tend you", is so strong and firm. She even have determination and courage that I never had with my dad. Sometimes I understand it to be power of initiative, it directly affects my going to concert alone after being ditched by someone I invite to go along. I should control my own life, no one should stop me!