去年除夕

我最讨厌的节日是春节。

但我希望也仅仅就在这个阶段。Just let it stop here,I am begging.

等日后我有了属于自己的家庭，我会喜欢上这个节日的。

It is all because I bulid the home that should be,I choose my husband,I choose my kid's daddy,I can give him or her that kind of daddy I used to dream about when I was a kid.I can decide which kind of mother I wish to be.  

I don‘t even know whether I will survive this time,this so called Spring Festival.

我没有办法回忆起每一件令人伤心的事情的来龙去脉起因经过结果。

因为人有强大的自我保护机制，我们的心，不愿意我们去过多地exposed to the sad memories。

但是，这桩桩件件，当时的心情，确是的的确确留在了我的脑海里。

去年春节。除夕的那天下午，我大概是和我弟弟起了口角，愤怒之下一个人去村里走走散心，但是吓坏了两位老人家。I don’t know,it was just a walk,I swear.Coz,我完全不熟悉那个乡下,I don‘t  even know how to get there from where I live to the countryside(maybe they think that I wanna go back to my house in town)老人家并没有当我的面说些什么，但是应该确实是freaking out.anyway,那天我吃完so called 团圆饭以后就去睡觉了，like 8 o'clock?I don’t know,I was just so tired。大概十点多，我妈like锤我的房门，然后让我收拾好行李，我们回家。

And I was like frozen，i don't know what had happened,just I said,I was sleeping,but I read the panic and desperate in my mom' eyes,you know a really naive child has that facial expression ,too.But I was relived,I did!     Coz I sensed that after all these davastcated memories ,we can finally get rid of this family!And to be honest,I was relived because my mom choose me,she chose to carry me as her burden instead of my brother.But actually I knew that was out of the 2 reasons:first,my brother belongs to the Hong family;secondly,if this was not for the real,we didn't need to freak out my little brother ,after all,he knew nothing about that ,after all ,he was just like,14 years old(hah,that was really a young and naive age,right?But I learned the whole story when I was 10)Anyway ,so with my package and my mom's also ,off we went.Did I mention it?It WAS a really isolated and remoted place from where we live,we had to take the bus or car to get to the countryside,at night ,it was really dark and thrilling.There were no lightlamb even,just the grass and  bushes which were as high as a man.There was just river flowing,dogs barking sometimes.There were no people nor cars at all.Like dead quiet.

On the way,I do not know what to say or do to comfort my mother,actually I did not even sense that I was the one that also needed comfort.All I did was to pretend to be calm.I did not ask my mother what was going on ,why we left that DAMN HOUSE,I just sensed that doing so would deadly hurt my mom.And I was right.I could hear my mother crying,sobbering.I did not know where we were going,because there were no buses to get to the town.I was sure my mother didn't know how to handle this situation ,either.THIS WAS HIS TERROTORY!

When we passed by a river,I was afraid that my mother would fall down,and I wanna begin our own conversation,maye she would like to tell me what this stuff was all about.Then I warned her of the flowing river.Much to my surprise,my mom said,Didn't u want be to go to the  hell?I was shock！Then I totally get what my mom meant.Because of my silent fight with my grandparents,she had a fight with him.So  I had the power to let my mom get rid of this?！But I dared not to respond.

Then we continued to walk on our way,carring the heavy package,on the scary road,which were around many tombs.

Then we walk a long way ,I was not sure about what time it was,I did not have a phone at that time. we heard the car,it was him,so he pickede us to the Damn house.Obviously ,he was drunk,once,he even said Let us go to the hell together ,then he drove the car  FASTER THAN it should be.在路上，他断断续续讲了，他虽然叫我妈滚，说我妈不是洪家人，but he did not mean that。当然，除了我们仨，我不认为他拥有什么，but he really meant that ,if life could be repeated ,I don‘t think he would choose it again,他会安心的接受他没有儿子这件事，而不是找一个女人，和她生孩子。更别提后来，他太太发现此事，和他离了婚。不过现在想想，出轨不过是一件非常小的事情，我想最真是的原因是，他太太不愿意和这个男人一起生活了。I would not either.甚至我挑选丈夫的标准只有一个：不是他那样。

Anyway ,这件事情，就随着那一句话落下帷幕。我们回到那个地方，我放下行李，关上门，倒在床上睡觉。那时已经一点多了。而我妈回了自己的房间，他则在客厅继续喝茶or 喝酒。但我知道，我妈房间门的钥匙就插在门上。

第二天，一切如旧。就好像昨晚从来没有发生过任何事情，就好像这只是一个梦一样；我睡到十点多，我弟在客厅看电视，我妈在厨房忙。

大年初一，本该如此。

只是脚边的行李箱提醒我，这并不是梦。