be proud of yourself

Juliette texted me before she left for Australia:

- be proud of yourself. 

I dont know whether she just "said it" and would say it to anyone. But it hit me then, and it hits me now. It hits me harder whenever I thought about it.

How does she know I am not?

***

I can feel the change though. Since when? 

Maybe since many new beginnings.

Since I moved to this new place, with many big windows that can let sun in and at the same time, put me out there, out in the vision of those who walked by the lane near the entrance to this old condo.

Since I started this new job, and have whole new set of discoveries. Experience the ups and downs from interaction with colleagues. 

Since I started to talk to Kady and know that I have an emergency button.

Or even earlier. 

Since I found this job, since I watched that Ted talk by Brene Brown, since Janice, my mentor appeared in my life like an angel. 

***

I said I look forward to going old and I am not kidding.

I look forward to the day when I stop worry but take each day as a treasure and just live it. The day when I laugh with wrinkles and still can be moved easily to tears but heart is still crystal clear. The day when I focus less on my own subtle emotions but more on others. 

I could reach there. 

I might not perfect, might not be able to achieve everything I want or be the one I want to. But I will learn more about accepting oneself, and smarter about how to best use my strength to help people people.