Love, Grows in Marriage

爱情，在婚姻的殿堂中成长

Social scientists have observed that marriages typically move through a series of at least four stages. Each stage presents unique learning opportunities and blessings, along with challenges and obstacles.

社会学家研究发现，一般来说，婚姻至少要经历一系列的至少四个阶段。每个阶段都给予我们独特的学习和成长的机会，还有祝福。当然，其中不乏挑战和险阻。

Stage One – Romance, Passion and Promise

第一阶段——浪漫，激情，承诺

In the beginning of a relationship partners often communicate effortlessly and at length. They seem to intuit each other’s needs and wishes and go out of their way to please and surprise each other. Couples begin to develop a strong sense of “we.”

在一段婚姻关系初期，夫妻们经常可以毫不费力地进行最大限度的沟通。他们可以直接感知对方的愿望和需求，也会不顾自己的感受尽力取悦对方，让对方惊喜。他们之间逐渐建立起“我们”的强烈意识，纵观所有阶段，此阶段夫妻的个性差异是最小的，几乎可以忽略。

Individual differences are minimized, if noticed at all; partners are very accepting. Joy, excitement, happiness and hope abound.

夫妻在这个阶段很容易接受对方的一切。他们彼此充满着快乐、兴奋、幸福和希望。

Partners present and elicit their best selves. Life seems promising. It is a time of sharing dreams and romance. This is a time to be remembered and cherished.

夫妻们都会选择展现他们最好的那一面给对方。生活似乎充满希望和前景。这是彼此分享梦想和浪漫的阶段。这是值得铭记和珍惜的阶段。

Stage Two – Settling down and Realization

第二阶段——冷静和理解

The high energy and intensity of Stage One inevitably give way to the ordinary and routine.

第一阶段的热情和激情不可避免地被随之而来的生活琐事所磨灭。

Ideally, in Stage Two couples learn to deepen their communication skills. They work to understand and express their wants, needs, and feelings.

在理想的情况下，在第二阶段，夫妻倾向于加强他们的沟通技巧。他们要学习慢慢地理解和表达他们真正的需求、感觉和希望。

They learn to be honest and vulnerable and to listen actively to each other.

他们要学习坦诚，要愿意展现自己脆弱的一面给对方，还要多倾听对方的意见。

They become aware of differences not noticed previously and develop strategies for dealing with them. Couples learn about give and take, negotiation and accommodation.

他们会发现一些之前没有留意到的差异，并利用适当的策略好好处理因差异造成的影响。双方在这个阶段学习如何付出和接受、商量和妥协。

Stage Three – Rebellion and Power Struggles

第三阶段——反抗和权力抗争

Spouses cannot always live up to each other’s expectations. They will disappoint and unintentionally hurt each other.

夫妻关系中没有人总能满足对方的期盼。不经意间，他们会使对方失望，甚至伤害到对方。

They now become intensely aware of their differences and may use control strategies to bring back the desired balance.

在这阶段，他们强烈地意识到两人之间的差异，并希望能控制局势，让生活回到以前理想的平衡状态。

Power struggles are common. Blame, judgment, criticism and defensiveness are likely outcomes.

权力抗争是很常见的；指责，批评，挑剔，防御，是最有可能的结果。

Fear and anxiety enter the relationship. Couples’ thinking can narrow into right/wrong, good/bad polarities.

婚姻关系混进了恐惧和担忧，夫妻的思想很可能会缩窄到对/错，好/坏两个极端。

Ideally, couples learn about forgiveness and accommodation in this stage. They learn to deal constructively with anger and hurt. A supportive community becomes especially important.

理想的情况下，在此阶段，夫妻会在体谅和适应中成长。支撑性的社群变得尤为重要（即亲戚好友要帮助夫妻维持婚姻，给予支撑性的建议，让争吵中的夫妻变得和谐）。

Stage Four – Discovery, Reconciliation, and Beginning Again

第四阶段——发现，调解，重新开始

Couples can push through the previous stage through deepened communication, honesty and trust.

夫妻可以跳过第三阶段这道坎，但需要加深彼此的沟通，坦诚和信任。

Ideally, they discover and create a new sense of connection. They learn more about each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities.

在理想的情况下，他们会探寻并创造出一种新的维系婚姻的方式。

They learn to identify and talk about their fears instead of acting them out. They refuse to judge or blame their partner; they translate their complaints into requests for change.

他们学会要了解更多对方的长处和弱点。他们学会试图说出他们心中的恐惧，而不是直接表现在行动上以致伤害对方。他们不再批评或指责对方，而将对方的抱怨视为让自己变得更好的要求。

Partners see each other in a new light, as gifted and flawed, just as they themselves are gifted and flawed. Empathy and compassion increase. They learn to appreciate and respect each other in new ways; they learn not to take each other for granted.

夫妻用一种新的眼光看待对方，就如同自己本身有优点也有缺点，对方也亦然。因此，他们对对方的同情感和怜悯感增加了。他们学会以一种新的方法去赞美和尊重对方，不再认为对自己好是对方的义务。

They find a new balance of separateness and togetherness, independence and intimacy. A new hope and energy return to the relationship.

他们发现了一种在分开和共处之间，独立和亲密之间的平衡。婚姻关系重新注入新的希望和力量。

Additional Challenges and Stages

其他挑战和阶段

Many couples will encounter additional life cycle stages. Just like marriage, creating a family will face many challenges.

很多夫妻会遇到其他阶段。如同婚姻，建立一个家庭会面对很多挑战。

It is another opportunity to learn about cooperation and becoming a team, about dealing with differences and conflicts, and about taking time to pause and choose.

这给予夫妻另一个成长的机会，学习如何成为一个团队，分工合作；处理生活上的矛盾和争执；留出时间去思考未来的路，并进行抉择。

Parenting is a spiritual journey that involves not only the growth of the children but the growth of the parents. Like marriage, it will have many opportunities to surrender and die to self, to let go and to grieve.

成为父母是一个心灵上新的旅程，期间不断发育成长的不仅有孩子，而且父母也会壮大他们的力量，思想更加成熟。如同婚姻，成为父母也要很大牺牲，要懂取舍和放弃。

Other life cycle challenges include illness, unemployment and other financial crises, retirement, and the death of one’s partner. Many couples must take care of the older generation while letting go of the younger one.

夫妻会遇到的其他挑战还包括疾病，失业或其他经济危机，退休和另一半的离世。有时候，夫妻还要面对白头人送黑头人的情况。

Growth throughout the marital journey requires openness and flexibility. Faith requires trust and surrender. Even if we cannot see the entire road and where it will end, we need to have clarity to take the next few steps.

在婚姻的旅程中，爱情的成长需要坦诚和适应。信念需要信任和退让来维持。尽管我们未必能遇见前方的道路，也不知何处是幸福的彼岸，我们仍然需要清晰的指导，引领未来的生活。