亲爱的朋友，
祝好！这将是一封奇长无比的信，将会跟所有我写过的信不同。不仅仅是内容的不同，对我来说，写作的意义也有了改变，因为某人跟我说他想要捡回写作，因为某人跟我说，writing is about learning new things。我曾认为只有中文才能准确地表达我的内心，但是现在我不确定了，因为我和他的交流，近乎全是英语，因此只有用英语表白，甚至开始用英语写第一首诗。
很奇怪，一切都仅仅发生在昨日四点，距离此时此刻我写信，也不过二十八个小时，我却感觉已经有了一辈子之久了，我已重生。明明和某人相遇，也不过是一个月之前的事情，我也同样感觉已经有了一辈子之久了，好像我们已经陪伴了彼此一生，所有的快乐堆积在一起，足以淹没纽约市。而最后分别的痛苦也同样令人心碎，和他告别之后，我回到车上痛哭，仿佛电影的情节，哭完之后笑着说，“天都亮了。”
刚刚洗了个澡，洗澡的时候又哭了很久。我并不责怪他，因为我觉得一切都是我的错，It's all my fault. 是我没有认清自己的内心，是我不够勇敢，是我过于懦弱，是我在每一个分叉口前犹豫不决，然后选择了错误的那条，听上去完完全全就是我。我总是这样，从小到大，从大一到大四，总是犹豫不决，总是害怕选择，害怕做出错误的选择，害怕选择后的结果，因此决定不选择。就算曾经后悔，例如选课很不开心，也能够很轻易地事后找到借口安慰自己，合理化一切的错误。可是这次不一样，我从来没有这么后悔过，也从来没有这么清晰地认识到，是我的问题。
昨日带家人去做渡轮看自由女神像，港口人潮拥挤，我坐在落地窗前流泪，别过脸不愿意让父亲看到。朋友说，恋爱这个事情就是自己的事情，你觉得有收获就好了，至于有没有在一起，都没啥意思。我回复道，“我觉得我现在更勇敢了，因为错过真的很令人难过。”打完这段话，我的眼泪就直接流下来了，只好一边看着哈德逊河水波光粼粼，一边慌乱地擦掉脸颊上的眼泪。而就在刚刚，等我重新写下这句话，又开始流泪，又哭了一会，才能够继续给你写信。所以这封信可能会写得很长很长，写得很慢很慢，因为我可能没有办法控制自己的眼泪。
好不容易坐在了渡轮上，当所有人都在兴奋地看风景时，我却在手机上给他发短信。写了很久之后，才觉得这个短信太长了，而我在这之前已经发了五条短信，所以觉得缓一缓。我不知道，对他我似乎有着说不完的话，可以无止境地写下去，因此用英语写作的意义，变成了他。
I regretted a lot of things last night. I regretted that we didn't escape from the theater in the middle of the screening. I really regretted that we picked up my roommate last night and lost the great moment that we only shared with each other. I regretted that I was not brave enough to tell you I like you earlier. I regretted that I said something stupid that might have put a lot of pressure on you and pushed you away.
I wish I would stuck in the traffic with you forever.
You are the reason why I start loving NYC.
You are the reason why I didn't panic during graduation because I knew you are with me.
You are the reason why I become a better version of me.
From my heart, I never want to force you to change because I love who you are at every moment we shared together. It's not someone you will or wish to become that I like, but the present you.
I don't know how to encourage you to pursue your writing dream since I don't have a chance to read anything yet. Indeed you are right that sometimes encouragement can be cheap when people don't really mean it when they say it. But writing does mean a lot of me because I am not good at speaking. So I choose to write. Writing is my savior, my own reconciliation. You are one of the few that I wish I could share my writing with. And now you have become the reason I write in English.
I have written an untitled Chinese poem three years ago. Now I would love to dedicate this to you and title it in your name.
很想很想抱住你
请你留下来
和我在一起
但是世界太小
阳光太好
我不敢
和这个世界
争夺你
I do mean what I say and what I write. When I said you are the best part of my life, I didn't lie about it. When I said I've learned a lot from you, I do and I really appreciate it. I think because of you, I am not afraid of the future anymore. I was so nervous of graduation and the life afterwards because I didn't know what to do at all. It seemed that everybody else is so certain of their future and it sacred me because I didn't have a plan. I was really afraid to go to Japan where I am going to be alone and a society full of judgement and peer pressure. But now, I think I have courage to begin something new because of you. I love the way you just be yourself, keep it real, and don't care about other's judgement. I love how you practice Japanese and Chinese as long as you have a chance. You do not step back for some stupid reasons like I am not good enough. And I will try to be like you when I am in Japan.
I think romance is not the only way to define human relationship, in which I believe love is far beyond Eros. It's totally fine that we don't end up as boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and wife. I believe it is the limitation of the human imagination due to the sexual and biological desire to pass one's gene.
I know we are more than that, more than the conventional category and definition. We are friends, and we are also soulmates. Maybe Hui-Eun is right: we are twin brother and sister from soul. Those things between us do not happen to everyone and I am grateful that I have ever met you in my life.
At least please stay in touch with me. Please reply to my messages and my probably long emails. I will write them in Chinese, English and Japanese.
Let's recommend each other music, anime, movies and books. Let's share the happiness and sadness of our lives. Let's facetime or call each other once in a while. Don't avoid me. Don't disappear from my life. Let's keep each other updated of our new life without each other. I will be your loyal reader for your writing and please do the same thing for me.
I don't want our friendship end just because we are not together with each other. Physical distance is meant to be overcame because our hearts will stay together and go on.
把这些打出来之后，好像一时间，千言万语，不知如何说起。或许从来没有一个正确的选择，没有一个绝对的选择能够保证最后的结局，我总是不禁想，如果我那天晚上握住了他的手，如果那天晚上我决定和他一起去formal，如果我去送他去民宿，如果我们一起从电影院里逃出来，如果我拒绝接我室友......我甚至开始幻想，如果我秋天按时申请了纽约的大学，如果我申请了OPT，如果我留在美国而不是去日本......如果如果，可惜没有如果。
我知晓后悔过去的事情没有意义，我也同样认为喝酒睡觉这样逃避问题，并不能真正解决问题，于是我决定让家人参加旅行团去DC，我留在纽约，无论如何想要再见他一面。然而他一整天没有回我短信，也不接我电话，甚至最后一个电话是秒挂，我真的不知道该如何是好。今天一大早把家人送到法拉盛，回到家之后，发微信问另一个喜欢他的女生如何联系他，同时也打算约这个女生出来聊一聊。
我觉得我真的成长了很多，勇敢了很多。I know it's a good thing but it does hurt so much to grow up.
祝一切都好！
五月二十六日 二零一九年
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