How do we cure ourselves from the past? When a relationship ends, most people experience unbearable heartbreaks. Some feel they are not going to love again, but soon fall into a hookup conversation while having the breaking-up drink. Some say they are so glad it ended, but cry their hearts out at midnight, no one hearing. People are weirdos, aren't they? At first love, they are amazed by the sweetness. They are dizzy and heads were spinning. After once or twice, they go with shells. They are not attached that much. Some are unintentional, most are intended. We all don't want to be hurt. We protect ourselves... all it turned out to be regrets. Then people start to get serious, as their first time falling in love. Most people walk from here to marriage. I received text message from my ex from time to time in six months after we broke up. All he ever said was how much he is still in love with me, how much he regretted about the past time that he did not realize its preciousness and how badly he wants to have me back... I did not know how to reply. It was me who acted so dependent while we were together. No matter how crazy the things went between me and him, I did never let loose the rope. He wanted to break up with me for a lot of reasons, the other one, my bad temper, my uncontrollable way of dealing emotions, the different lifestyles, different current life goals... But I did never let loose once. I don't find myself overly obsessed with him. It was just my way of doing things: I would rather fix something than replace it once for all, especially intimacy. I didn't see myself too capable to start a new relationship easily, but I needed company, love and care from someone else. Unluckily, he was never the right person. I was still attracted to someone else for a very long time during our relationship together, so was he. But we stayed together pretending not to know we were not the one for each other. We did know, didn't us? The name he called when he was drunk when were at a beach in Puerto Rico at dawn and the man I dreamed in the middle of the night, was never me or him. We literally abused each other. How ridiculous it was? What's more ridiculous, we had stableness and believed it was forever. The days we went to Trader Joe's after school, the dinners we cooked together, the smiles on his face every time I made authentic spicy foods for him while he came from a place where all he had been eating growing up was purely light and sweet... part of the memories were still sweet and I would not forgo those. I consider myself fully invested in this relationship... wanting nothing.
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