After giving birth to a son, a woman started to devote most of her energy to take care of the baby. And as time goes by ,the baby has become a boy ,and then a man. However ,his mother still wants to keep close to him and she is afraid that her son is taken away from herself by another woman. When the another woman comes up ,a fight for a man between the two women will start.
The similar scenarios are very common in China. A controlling mother-in-law ,a disappointed wife, a sandwiched husband, and a neglected father-in-law make up a family. Ironically , after the wife gives birth to her own son,it is likely that she will follow in her mother-in-law’s steps.
In these families,there are many conflicts between the family members,because of the disordered family systems and unclear boundaries.
Family Systems
We can regard a family as a system. There are some sub-systems in this system,such as couple sub-system, parental sub-system, sibling sub-system and so on. If these sub-systems function well ,then the family system is healthy. If one of the sub-system is disfunctioning ,and the other sub-systems may be affected as well as the whole family system.
For an example ,if a mother is too close to her son and she loves her son more than her husband,then the husband will feel as if he is an outsider of the family,and he may try to get close to his son,but always suffers from failure because of the mother’s over protection of the son. And then the husband will become critical to her wife or he will be more and more distant,and may even have an affair. Meanwhile ,although every child is instinctively eager to get along with and be loyal to both of parents,when he feels the conflicts between his parents ,he may think that he has to be more loyal to mom than dad, and he will get closer to his mom. And because of the closeness with his mom,he will consider himself as sitting on the shoulder of his mom ,so he may feel as if he is equal to his dad and he will take place of his dad to be the husband of his mom.
In this example ,the couple sub-system and the parental sub-system are messed up. It is possible that the son will misbehavior,because he is confused with his role in the family. He is wondering whether he is a son or a husband.
Boundaries in family
In order to create a healthy family system, clear boundaries are very necessary in family,not only between each sub-systems but also between each member of the family.
In terms of boundaries between each sub-systems,for an instance, when a couple is talking an important issue, their 5-year-old son comes up with the ask for mom’s companion. If the mother doesn’t have clear boundaries ,then she will stop the talk with husband to meet the son’s need. However ,to build a clear and healthy boundary between the couple sub-system and parental sub-system, it is better for the mother to ask the boy to play with other siblings or fellows for a while and continue the talk with the husband,and after the talk both of the parents go to accompany the boy. In this case,the boundaries are clear. The parent are not enmeshed with children,yet not so disengaged or ignoring the children’s need for support and nurturance.
And speaking of the boundaries between each member of the family,everyone needs his or her autonomy. Especially as the children growing up ,they want to be more and more autonomous. If they are not given enough chances and freedom to be independent by their parents,it’s likely that they become adults physically but meanwhile they are still children psychologically.
Therefore the systems and boundaries are very important,necessary in each family. If you are married,whether you have children or not ,whether you live with your mother-in-law and father-in-law or not ,the couple sub-system is the most important part in a family.
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