We Always Have A Choice

It takes time to figure things out. And it hurts to figure things out at the same time.

I had always wanted to come back to my hometown to be with my animal friends for the rest of my life before this long rough holiday. I came to realize that I just want to be with the animals apart from my parents during this long stay at home. Hey, don’t get me wrong here. I’m totally okay with my parents. I mean I love my parents and I get along very well with my parents. But most of the the time, I just wanna be alone. I need personal space most of the time based on my personality and my mental illness as well lol.

Before I figured this out, I was so confused. I’ve been a good girl you know. I tried so hard not to hurt anybody’s feelings especially my mom’s. I would just follow what she told me. Sometimes it was so frustrating, I was like a little bird locked in it’s cage. I couldn’t go to parties (which I still can’t) with my friends when I was home, I couldn’t travel during the holidays, I was just simply “locked.”

Then after I became a collage student, after I had a bit more spare time at school, I just got the chance to meet different people and do different things. I would just explore a new side of myself every time when I tried something new. From then on, I gradually took the charge of making my own decisions. I would tell my mom what I wanted to do rather than asking her what should I do. And you know what? My mom was actually very open to that most of the time. With time marches on, I came to realize that it’s not my mom was a mean person or she was just tight with her money or anything, she was just too protective towards me, her daughter, at the time.

Love should make us stronger, and better. It should be our wings to take us further and higher. It shouldn’t be an obstacle to keep us away from what we love. So no matter who you are, if you ever read this, pls bear in mind that don’t afraid to chase after your dreams. You could either follow the lead or just turn around and be who you are. Love just shouldn’t be the thing that stops us from running.

The second thing that I want to talk about is one of my best friends. We have a long-lasting relationship with each other and her name is called Mental Illness. Especially my friend depression, it rooted in me and kinda just became me. I’m struggling with my emotional disorder almost every day.

And as we all know, graduating is depressive. It’s not the graduation is depressive, it’s just the time around graduation is stressful. You have to figure out what you love, what you want and who you wanna be in only 3 or 4 months since you didn’t figure out in the past damned 4 years. When I was still a student. Well, or let’s just say before five months, I was still a stubborn girl believing in her daydreams would come true one day. But after that five months, she was lost. She was desperate. She was miserable. Sometimes I would even think would it be easier if I were actively suicidal... But sometimes I would feel blessed that I’m not that way, I don’t know.

One morning, I was just extremely depressed and could barely move out of my bed. My dad had observed that and came to talk to me. I mean I told my parents about my depression in the past. But they didn’t really give a shit about that. I understand they know almost nothing about depression and stuff, so I just stopped talking about it with them.

First time in years, my dad showed his concern towards me and that worked. At least someone cared. And that was the time when I truly sensed how worse I’ve got and I really needed to act on it. The result was surprising! It turned out that I almost “collected” all the mental illnesses on this body---depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, anti-social... just to name a few.

It actually blew my mind at first. But then I texted my best friend. I told her what was going on me and who I really was. Afterwards, I had a deep conversation with myself and found out the answers to many questions even I was wondering about myself. After that, I learned to cope with my emotions and everything.

I would be so depressed when I’m depressed. But when I’m sober I would be super positive and I would be as present as possible. Although living a life like this is hard, I’m still grateful for my mental illnesses. Cause wishing I were dead most of the time could make me live in the moment. To be or not to be, the choice is always held in our hands, isn’t it?

Life is full of ups and downs and I guess that’s the charm of it. I remember someone said that you have to overcome 99 difficulties just to achieve the 100th success. I assume that it’s ok to take some time to get to the destination as long as we are still moving forward and dreaming our dreams. When you wanna give up and quit, remember that is not the end of the world and cling to it a bit longer, just a little bit longer, then you’ll see the changes.

We always have a choice.

日记本