39
那天晚上，在和帕斯卡莱、安东尼奥出去玩之前，里诺说：
That same night Rino, before he went out with Pasquale and Antonio, said,
“马尔切洛，你有没有看到斯特凡诺买的车？”
“Marcè, have you seen that car Stefano’s
got?”
这时候电视开着，马尔切洛依然沉浸在他的悲伤里，没有回应。
Marcello, stupefied by the television and
by sadness, didn’t even answer.
里诺从口袋里拿出了一把梳子，梳了梳头，放下梳子，他很愉快地说：
Then Rino drew his comb out of his pocket, pulled it through his hair, and said cheerfully:
“你知道吗，他花了四万五千里拉买了我们做的鞋子。”
“You know that he bought our shoes for
twenty-five thousand lire?”
“这说明他有钱没处花。”马尔切洛回答说。梅丽娜忽然笑了起来，不知道是因为电视节目，还是因为马尔切洛说的那句话。
“You see he’s got money to throw away,”
Marcello answered, and Melina burst out laughing, it wasn’t clear if she was
reacting to that remark or to what was showing on the television.
从那时起，每天晚上，里诺总是通过各种方式刺激马尔切洛，家里的气氛变得越来越紧张。每次索拉拉来，农齐亚总是很热情地接待他，莉拉会消失，说她很累然后就去睡觉了。有一天晚上，马尔切洛非常沮丧，对农齐亚说：
From that moment Rino found a way, night
after night, to annoy Marcello, and the atmosphere became increasingly tense.
Besides, as soon as Solara, who was always greeted kindly by Nunzia, arrived,
Lila disappeared, saying she was tired, and went to bed. One night Marcello,
very depressed, talked to Nunzia.
“我一来，您女儿就去睡觉了，那我来干什么？”
“If your daughter goes to bed as soon as
I arrive, what am I coming here for?”
他希望农齐亚能安慰他几句，说几句鼓励他的话，让他鼓起勇气，争取莉拉的爱，但是农齐亚不知道怎么回答他。他低声问：
Evidently he hoped that she would comfort him, saying something that would encourage him to persevere. But Nunzia didn’t know what to say and so he stammered,
“她是不是喜欢别人了？”
“Does she like someone else?”
“没有。”
“But no.”
“我知道她经常去斯特凡诺的店里买东西。”
“I know she goes to do the shopping at
Stefano’s.”
“我的孩子，那她应该去哪里买吃的呢？”
“And where should she go, my boy, to do
the shopping?”
马尔切洛不说话了，眼睛垂了下来。
Marcello was silent, eyes lowered.
“有人看到她坐上了肉食店老板的车。”
“She was seen in the car with the
grocer.”
“莱农奇娅也在车上，斯特凡诺在追门房的女儿。”
“Lenuccia was there, too: Stefano is
interested in the porter’s daughter.”
“我觉得，莱农奇娅不是您女儿的好同伴，告诉莉娜不要再见她了。”
“Lenuccia doesn’t seem to me a good
companion for your daughter. Tell her not to see her anymore.”
我不是一个好同伴？莉拉不应该再和我见面？当我的朋友告诉我马尔切洛的这个要求时，我彻底站在了斯特凡诺那边。我开始说他的好话，都是些很具体的事情，说他非常有决心，很有钱。最后我跟她说，当我说这句话时，我意识到我们小时候梦想的财富正在进一步发生变化。小时候的我们幻想着：发表一本像《小妇人》一样的书，我们会获得财富和声誉，还有装满金币的保险箱，我们的城堡里有一群群穿着制服的仆人供我们使唤。这些想象完全褪色了，也许现在对我们来说：金钱就像水泥，可以加固我的生命，可以防止我们的生命和我们最亲爱的人一起溃散，这种感觉越来越强了。但财富最根本的特征已经开始慢慢具体化了，成为每天的生活，成为生意和洽谈。青春期的财富，充满天真幻想的景象，那些别人从来没有见过的鞋子，到后来具体表现为里诺的不满和暴躁，他希望像阔佬一样花钱。财富体现为电视、马尔切洛的面条和戒指，他想用这些收买一份情感。最后一步一步地，财富体现在那个年轻、彬彬有礼的斯特凡诺身上，他靠卖香肠赚钱，有一辆红色的敞篷车。他花四万五千里拉，眼睛都不眨一下。他给那些图纸装上镜框，除了卖奶酪，他还想做鞋子的买卖。他投资买皮子，雇人，好像非常确信自己能开启一个和平富裕的新时代。总之，这就是财富在日常生活中的体现，一点光辉、一点荣耀都没有了。
I was not a good companion? Lila was not
supposed to see me anymore? When my friend reported that request of
Marcello’s I went over conclusively to Stefano’s side and began to praise his
tactful ways, his calm determination. “He’s rich,” I said to her finally. But
even as I said that I realized how the idea of the riches girls dreamed of
was changing further. The treasure chests full of gold pieces that a
procession of servants in livery would deposit in our castle when we
published a book like Little Women—riches and fame—had truly faded. Perhaps
the idea of money as a cement to solidify our existence and prevent it from
dissolving, together with the people who were dear to us, endured. But the
fundamental feature that now prevailed was concreteness, the daily gesture,
the negotiation. This wealth of adolescence proceeded from a fantastic, still
childish illumination—the designs for extraordinary shoes—but it was embodied
in the petulant dissatisfaction of Rino, who wanted to spend like a big shot,
in the television, in the meals, and in the ring with which Marcello wanted
to buy a feeling, and, finally, from step to step, in that courteous youth
Stefano, who sold groceries, had a red convertible, spent fortybeing for the
neighborhood: it was, in short, wealth that existed in the facts of every
day, and so was without splendor and without glory.
“他很有钱。”我听见莉拉在重复这句话，她笑了起来，最后补充说：“他还很可爱，很好心。”我马上说，我也这么觉得，那是马尔切洛没有的品质，这是另一个需要站在斯特凡诺这边的理由。然而，莉拉使用的那两个形容词让我很混乱，我感觉这意味这我们童年那些充满光辉的想象已经收场：城堡、保险箱。我已经明白了，这些想象再也不会和莉拉以及我的生活相关，我们不会一起趴在那里写一个像《小妇人》的故事。财富已经化身为斯特凡诺，化身成一个年轻的男人，穿着油乎乎的衬衣；财富正在显现它的形状、气味和声音，展现自身的友好和可爱，那是一个我们一直都很熟悉的男性——堂·阿奇勒的大儿子。
“He’s rich,” I heard Lila repeat, and we
started laughing. But then she added, “Also nice, also good,” and I agreed,
these last were qualities that Marcello didn’t have, a further reason for
being on Stefano’s side. Yet those two adjectives confused me, I felt that
they gave the final blow to the shine of childish fantasies. No castle, no
treasure chest—I seemed to understand—would concern Lila and me alone, intent
on writing our Little Women. Wealth, incarnated in Stefano, was taking the
form of a young man in a greasy apron, was gaining features, smell, voice,
was expressing kindness and goodness, was a male we had known forever, the
oldest son of Don Achille.
我觉得很激动。
I was disturbed.
“无论如何，他曾经还想扎你的舌头。”我说。
“But he wanted to prick your tongue,” I
said.
“那时他还是个孩子。”她动情地回答，语气非常甜美，那是我从来都没听到过的。只有在这时候，我才意识到，事情的进展超过了她告诉我的那些。
“He was a child,” she answered, with
emotion, sweet as I had never heard her before, so that only at that moment
did I realize that she was much farther along than what she had said to me in
words.
接下来的几天里，一切都变得更加明了。我听到莉拉提到斯特凡诺时的语气，就好像他被莉拉的声音美化过了。我一直在适应他们正在形成的联盟，避免自己被排挤出去。我们好几个小时都在一起密谋——我们俩，或者我们仨，为了让人们、情感还有事情能够顺应我们的想法。
In the following days everything became clearer. I saw how she talked to Stefano and how he seemed shaped by her voice. I adapted to the pact they were making, I didn’t want to be cut out. And we plotted for hours—the two of us, the three of us—to act in a way that would quickly silence people, feelings, the arrangement of things.
修鞋铺旁边的那个店铺里来了一个工人，他把两个铺子中间的墙拆了。整个作坊被重新布置了，有了三个从梅利托来的乡下学徒。他们基本上不说话，窝在一个角落里继续给顾客换鞋底，其他的空间被费尔南多用来摆放小工作台、架子、工具，还有各个型号的木模具。让人惊异的是，这个奇瘦无比的男人之前总是对现实非常不满，现在却忽然活力四射，开始盘算着开创一番事业。
A worker arrived in the space next to the
shoe shop and took down the dividing wall. The shoemaker’s shop was
reorganized. Three nearly silent apprentices appeared, country boys, from
Melito. In one corner they continued to do resoling, in the rest of the space
Fernando arranged benches, shelves, his tools, his wooden forms according to
the various sizes, and began, with sudden energy, unsuspected in a man so
thin, consumed by a bitter discontent, to talk about a course of action.
就在他们的新工作正要开始的那天，斯特凡诺露脸了。他拿了一包用包装纸包好的东西。所有人包括费尔南多都站了起来，就好像有人来视察一样。斯特凡诺打开了包裹，里面有几个尺寸一样的小画，画框是褐色的，那是莉拉笔记本里的纸页，现在镶在玻璃下面，就好像珍贵文物一样。他请求费尔南多把那些设计图纸挂在墙上，费尔南多嘟囔了一句，斯特凡诺让里诺和几个学徒帮着在墙上钉钉子。那些图纸挂在墙上之后，斯特凡诺给了那三个学徒一点钱，让他们去喝咖啡。铺子里就剩下斯特凡诺和鞋匠父子俩，他低声说，他想娶莉拉。
Just that day, when the new work was
about to begin, Stefano showed up. He carried a package done up in brown
paper. They all jumped to their feet, even Fernando, as if he had come for an
inspection. He opened the package, and inside were a number of small
pictures, all the same size, in narrow brown frames. They were Lila’s
notebook pages, under glass, like precious relics. He asked permission from
Fernando to hang them on the walls, Fernando grumbled something, and Stefano
had Rino and the apprentices help him put in the nails. When the pictures
were hung, Stefano asked the three helpers to go get a coffee and handed them
some lire. As soon as he was alone with the shoemaker and his son, he
announced quietly that he wanted to marry Lila.
铺子里陷入一阵让人难以忍受的沉默。里诺微笑了一下，就好像他已经事先知道这个结局，费尔南多用很微弱的声音说：
An unbearable silence fell. Rino confined himself to a knowing little smile and Fernando said finally, weakly,
“斯特凡诺，莉娜是马尔切洛·索拉拉的未婚妻。”
“Stefano, Lina is engaged to Marcello
Solara.”
“但您女儿不知道这件事。”
“Your daughter doesn’t know it.”
“爸爸，你说什么？”
“What do you mean?”
里诺这时候插了一句，他非常愉快地说，“你要说实话。你和妈妈让那个混蛋每天来家里，莉娜从来都没接受过他，莉娜根本就不喜欢他。”
Rino interrupted, cheerfully: “He’s
telling the truth: you and Mamma let that shit come to our house, but Lina
never wanted him and doesn’t want him.”
费尔南多恶狠狠地看了一眼儿子。斯特凡诺看了一眼四周，非常客气地说：
Fernando gave his son a stern look. The grocer said gently, looking around:
“现在我们的工作已经开始了，不要破坏好心情。我只要求您一件事情，堂·费尔南多，让您女儿自己决定。如果她选马尔切洛·索拉拉，那我让步。我非常爱她，假如她和别人在一起能幸福，那我退出，我们之间还是保持之前的关系。假如她选择我，接受我，我也不客气，那您就得让她嫁给我。”
“We’ve started out on a job now, let’s
not get worked up. I ask of you a single thing, Don Fernà: let your daughter
decide. If she wants Marcello Solara, I will resign myself. I love her so
much that if she’s happy with someone else I will withdraw and between us
everything will remain as it is now. But if she wants me—if she wants
me—there’s no help for it, you must give her to me.”
“你是在威胁我吗？”费尔南多说，但语气很柔和，有些无可奈何。
“You’re threatening me,” Fernando said,
but halfheartedly, in a tone of resigned observation.
“不是威胁，我只是恳求您，为您女儿做件好事。”
“No, I’m asking you to do what’s best for
your daughter.”
“我知道怎么对她好。”
“I know what’s best for her.”
“是的，但她要比您更加清楚。”
“Yes, but she knows better than you.”
这时候，斯特凡诺站了起来，打开门叫我。我和莉拉在外面一起等着呢。
And here Stefano got up, opened the door,
called me, I was waiting outside with Lila.
“莱农奇娅！”
“Lenù.”
我们进去了，感觉自己是这件事的核心人物，我喜欢这种感觉，我们一起看到事情已经有了眉目。我记得那时候自己极端兴奋、紧张。斯特凡诺对莉拉说：
We went in. How we liked feeling that we were at the center of those events, the two of us together, directing them toward their outcome. I remember the extreme tension of that moment. Stefano said to Lila,
“当着你父亲的面，我告诉你：我很爱你，要超过爱我的生命。你愿意嫁给我吗？”
“I’m saying to you in front of your
father: I love you, more than my life. Will you marry me?”
莉拉非常严肃地回答说：
Lila answered seriously,
“愿意。”
"yes"
费尔南多张口结舌，就像之前面对堂·阿奇勒时的卑微，他低声说了一句：
Fernando gasped slightly, then murmured, with the same subservience that in times gone by he had manifested toward Don Achille:
“这样，我们不仅仅得罪了马尔切洛，而且得罪了索拉拉全家。现在，谁去告诉那个可怜的小伙子呢？”
“We’re offending not only Marcello but
all the Solaras. Who’s going to tell that poor boy?”
莉拉说：“我去说。”
Lila said, “I will.”
40
事实上，第三天晚上，里诺在外面逛，其他人都在家。电视还没打开，大家就座吃饭之前，莉拉问马尔切洛：“你能不能带我去吃冰激凌？”
In fact two nights later, in front of the
whole family except Rino, who was out, before they sat down at the table,
before the television was turned on, Lila asked Marcello, “Will you take me
to get some ice cream?”
马尔切洛简直不敢相信自己的耳朵。
Marcello couldn’t believe his ears.
“冰激凌？在吃饭之前？我和你？”他马上问农齐亚，“太太，您要不要和我们一起去？”
“Ice cream? Without eating first? You and
me?” And he suddenly asked Nunzia, “Signora, would you come, too?”
农齐亚打开了电视机，说：“不了，谢谢，马尔切洛。你们不要去太长时间，还有十分钟饭就好了，你们赶快回来。”
Nunzia turned on the television and said,
“No, thank you, Marcè. But don’t be too long. Ten minutes, you’ll go and be
back.”
“没问题，谢谢……”他非常幸福地回答说。
“Yes,” he promised, happily, “thank you.”
他至少重复了四次谢谢，觉得自己期待已久的事情就要实现了，莉拉终于要接受他了。
He repeated thank you at least four
times. It seemed to him that the longed-for moment had arrived, Lila was
about to say yes.
但他们一出那栋楼，莉拉就转身对着他，用早年就非常擅长的那种冰冷邪恶的语气，一字一句地说：“我从来都没有对你说过，我会接受你。”
But as soon as they were outside the
building she confronted him and said, with the cold cruelty that had come
easily to her since her first years of life, “I never told you that I loved
you.”
“我知道，但现在你接受我了吗？”
“I know. But now you do?”
“不接受。”
“No.”
马尔切洛身为一个高大健壮、充满血性的二十三岁小伙子，因为心碎，一下子靠在旁边一根路灯杆上。
Marcello, who was heavily built, a
healthy, ruddy youth of twenty-three, leaned against a lamppost,
brokenhearted.
“真的不行吗？”
“Really no?”
“不行。我喜欢另一个男人。”
“No. I love someone else.”
“谁？”
“Who is it?”
“斯特凡诺。”
“Stefano.”
“我就知道，但我没办法相信。”
“I knew it, but I couldn’t believe it.”
“你必须相信，事情就是这样。”
“You have to believe it, it’s true.”
“我会把你和他都杀了。”
“I’ll kill you both.”
“对我，你可以马上动手。”
“With me you can try right now.”
马尔切洛气急败坏，他身子离开路灯柱，一气之下把握成拳头的右手咬出血来。
Marcello left the lamppost in a rush,
but, with a kind of death rattle, he bit his clenched right fist until it
bled.
“我太爱你了，我下不了手。”
“I love you too much, I can’t do it.”
“那你可以让你弟弟、你父亲，或者你的朋友来，可能他们下得了手。但你要跟所有人说清楚，他们要先杀我。如果我活着，你们要是碰了其他人，我会把你们都杀了。你知道我说到做到，我会从你开始。”
“Then get your brother, your father to do
it, some friend, maybe they’re capable. But make it clear to all of them that
you had better kill me first. Because if you touch anyone else while I’m
alive, I will kill you, and you know I will, starting with you.”
马尔切洛继续使劲咬着自己的手指头，好像很压抑地抽泣了一下，他的胸口在起伏，最后他转身走了。
Marcello continued to bite his finger
stubbornly. Then he repressed a sort of sob that shook his breast, turned,
and went off.
她在他身后喊道：“你让人把电视机取走，我们不需要！”
She shouted after him: “Send someone to
get the television, we don’t need it.”
41
所有这些事都发生在一个多月的时间里，最后，我觉得莉拉看起来很幸福。她为鞋子的事情找到了一个突破口，给了她哥哥和全家人一个机会，她甩开了马尔切洛·索拉拉，她成了整个城区最富裕、最让人羡慕的年轻男人的未婚妻。她还想要什么？没有什么可向往的了，她拥有了一切。开学之后，我觉得自己的日子比之前更加暗淡了，我彻底投身于学习，很担心自己回答不上来老师的提问，我晚上学习到十一点，早上五点半起床。我和莉拉见面的机会越来越少了。
Everything happened in little more than a
month and Lila in the end seemed to me happy. She had found an outlet for the
shoe project, she had given an opportunity to her brother and the whole
family, she had gotten rid of Marcello Solara and had become the fiancée of
the most respectable wealthy young man in the neighborhood. What more could
she want? Nothing. She had everything. When school began again I felt the
dreariness of it more than usual. I was reabsorbed by the work and, so that
the teachers would not find me unprepared, I went back to studying until
eleven and setting my alarm for five-thirty. I saw Lila less and less.
作为补偿，我和斯特凡诺的弟弟阿方索建立了很好的关系。尽管整个夏天他都在肉食店里帮忙，但开学后，他顺利通过了每门课的补考：拉丁语、希腊语和英语都得了七分。吉诺希望阿方索通不过考试，这样他们就能一起留级、重读高一，但阿方索通过了考试，这让他很难过。当他发现，我和阿方索已经上高二了，我们每天总是一起上学、一起放学时，他内心更加不平衡，最后变得很小气，他不再和我——他的前女友，以及阿方索——他之前的同桌说话。尽管他的教室就在隔壁，我们经常在走廊里相遇，而且在我们的城区里，大家也是抬头不见低头见。但还不止这些，吉诺还会说我和阿方索的坏话，这些话很快传到我耳朵里。他说我爱上了阿方索，在上课时我也会摸他，但阿方索不爱我，因为他和阿方索做了一年同桌，非常了解情况，他说阿方索不喜欢女生，只喜欢男生。我把这些话说给阿方索听，期望他能去揍吉诺一顿，就像一般人在这种情况下的反应，但他只是用方言非常鄙夷地说：
On the other hand, my relationship with Stefano’s brother, Alfonso, solidified. Although he had worked in the grocery all summer, he had passed the makeup exams successfully, with seven in each of the subjects: Latin, Greek, and English. Gino, who had hoped that he would fail so that they could repeat the first year of high school together, was disappointed. When he realized that the two of us, now in our second year, went to school and came home together every day, he grew even more bitter and became mean. He no longer spoke to me, his former girlfriend, or to Alfonso, his former deskmate, even though he was in the classroom next to ours and we often met in the hallways, as well as in the streets of the neighborhood. But he did worse: soon I heard that he was telling nasty stories about us. He said that I was in love with Alfonso and touched him during class even though Alfonso didn’t respond, because, as he knew very well, he who had sat next to him for a year, he didn’t like girls, he preferred boys. I reported this to Alfonso, expecting him to beat up Gino, as was the rule in such cases, but he confined himself to saying, contemptuously, in dialect,
“所有人都知道，他才是个娘娘腔。”
“Everyone knows that he’s the fag.”
对于我来说，阿方索出现得很及时，简直是一个惊喜。他散发着一种干净、有教养的气息。尽管他的长相和斯特凡诺很像：一样的眼睛，一样的鼻子，甚至是一样的嘴巴。尽管在成长过程中，他的发育趋势也和斯特凡诺一样——头很大，上身长下身短；尽管他的目光和动作散发出一样的柔和，但在阿方索身上，我丝毫感觉不到斯特凡诺身上的每个细胞都散发出来的那种决断。我觉得，是这种决断让斯特凡诺的客气变成了一种掩饰，让人感觉到他随时都可能会变脸。阿方索是个整个城区都少见的、让人感觉很舒服的男生，你觉得他不会做伤害你的事情。我们一起走路时会交谈几句，但不会觉得尴尬。他总是有我需要的东西，假如他没有，他也会搞到手。他喜欢我，让我没有任何压力，我也默默对他产生了情感。在开学第一天，我们就成为了同桌，在那个年代，这是一件很大胆的做法。尽管其他男生都开他的玩笑，但他一直陪在我身边，其他女生也不断问我，我们是不是在谈恋爱，但我们俩都没换位子。他是一个可信的人，假如他看到我需要时间独处，他会在旁边等着，或者跟我打下招呼自己先走。假如他发现我希望他待在我身边，即使是有事情，他也会留下。
Alfonso was a pleasant, fortunate
discovery. He gave an impression of cleanliness and good manners. Although
his features were very similar to Stefano’s, the same eyes, same nose, same
mouth; although his body, as he grew, was taking the same form, the large
head, legs slightly short in relation to the torso; although in his gaze and
in his gestures he manifested the same mildness, I felt in him a total
absence of the determination that was concealed in every cell of Stefano’s
body, and that in the end, I thought, reduced his courtesy to a sort of
hiding place from which to jump out unexpectedly. Alfonso was soothing, that
type of human being, rare in the neighborhood, from whom you know you needn’t
expect any cruelty. We didn’t talk a lot, but we didn’t feel uncomfortable.
He always had what I needed and if he didn’t he hurried to get it. He loved
me without any tension and I felt quietly affectionate toward him. The first
day of school we ended up sitting at the same desk, a thing that was
audacious at the time, and even if the other boys made fun of him because he
was always near me and the girls asked me continuously if he was my
boyfriend, neither of us decided to change places. He was a trusted person.
If he saw that I needed my own time, he either waited for me at a distance or
said goodbye and went off. If he realized that I wanted him to stay with me,
he stayed even if he had other things to do.
我通过他来躲避尼诺·萨拉托雷。从伊斯基亚岛回来之后，我们在学校里第一次远远碰见，尼诺马上非常热情地跑了过来，和我打招呼，但我冷冰冰的，几句话就把他打发了。尽管我非常喜欢他，只要远远看见他瘦高的身影，我都会脸红心跳。但现在莉拉订婚了，正式订婚，她的未婚夫是一个二十二岁的男人，而不是一个小男生。他的未婚夫温柔、坚定而且勇敢。我的当务之急是找一个让人羡慕的男朋友，重新平衡我们之间的关系。那样我们就可以四个人一起出去：莉拉和她的未婚夫，我和我的男朋友。当然，尼诺没有红色的敞篷车，他只是一个高二学生，口袋里没有一毛钱，但他要比我高二十公分，而斯特凡诺比莉拉还矮几公分。尼诺的意大利语像书上一样标准——他读书，思考，讨论问题，对人类处境的所有重要问题都很关注，而斯特凡诺每天待在肉食店里，几乎只会说方言，他上完小学后就没有继续读书；在店里，他母亲算账都要比他好，他性格不错，对赚钱的事情尤其敏感。然而，尽管我内心对尼诺充满了灼热的激情；尽管我清楚地看到，假如我和尼诺在一起，在莉拉的眼里，那会是一种荣耀；尽管我再次见到他时，我又一次爱上了他，但我觉得自己没办法和他建立关系。我经历的童年和青春期，让我觉得理由很充分，因为一看到他我马上会想到多纳托·萨拉托雷，尽管他们一点儿也不像。我想起了他父亲对我做的事情，而我没有力气推开他，这种回忆勾起我的愤怒和憎恶，并延伸到他身上。当然，我爱他，渴望和他交谈、和他一起散步。有时候我费尽心思地想：我为什么要这么做？父亲是父亲，儿子是儿子，我可以像斯特凡诺对待佩卢索家人那样对他，但我做不到。只要一想到要吻他，我就感觉到多纳托的嘴，父亲和儿子混为一体，激起的快感和厌恶感像浪潮一样袭击着我。
I used him to escape Nino Sarratore.
When, for the first time after Ischia, we saw each other from a distance,
Nino came toward me in a friendly way, but I dismissed him with a few cold
remarks. And yet I liked him so much, if his tall slender figure merely
appeared I blushed and my heart beat madly. And yet now that Lila was really
engaged, officially engaged���and to such a fiancé, a man of twenty-two, not
a boy: kind, decisive, courageous—it was more urgent than ever that I, too,
should have an enviable fiancé and so rebalance our relationship. It would be
lovely to go out as four, Lila with her betrothed, I with mine. Of course,
Nino didn’t have a red convertible. Of course, he was a student in the fourth
year of high school, and thus didn’t have a lira. But he was a lot taller
than I, while Stefano was an inch or so shorter than Lila. And he spoke a
literary Italian, when he wanted to. And he read and discussed everything and
was aware of the great questions of the human condition, while Stefano lived
shut off in his grocery, spoke almost exclusively in dialect, had not gone
past the vocational school, at the cash register had his mamma, who did the
accounts better than he, and, though he had a good character, was sensitive
above all to the profitable turnover of money. Yet, although passion consumed
me, although I saw clearly the prestige I would acquire in Lila’s eyes if I
were bound to him, for the second time since seeing him and falling in love I
felt incapable of establishing a relationship. The motive seemed to me much
stronger than that of childhood. Seeing him brought immediately to mind
Donato Sarratore, even if they didn’t resemble each other at all. And the
disgust, the rage aroused by the memory of what his father had done without
my being able to repulse him extended to Nino. Of course, I loved him. I
longed to talk to him, walk with him, and at times I thought, racking my
brains: Why do you behave like that, the father isn’t the son, the son isn’t
the father, behave as Stefano did with the Pelusos. But I couldn’t. As soon
as I imagined kissing him, I felt the mouth of Donato, and a wave of pleasure
and revulsion mixed father and son into a single person.
还发生了一件让我惊恐的插曲，让情况更加复杂。现在，我和阿方索已经养成习惯，我们一起走路回家，一直走到国家广场，走过南方大道，那是持续时间很长的散步，我们会谈论作业、老师、各自的同学，我感觉非常舒服。有一次我们经过池塘，走上大路时，我转过身，在火车站平台上看到一个穿着制服的检票员，好像是多纳托·萨拉托雷，我马上转过了目光，感觉到一阵愤怒和恐惧。当我再一次回头看时，他已经不在那里了。
An alarming episode occurred, which made
the situation more complicated. Alfonso and I had got into the habit of
walking home. We went to Piazza Nazionale and then reached Corso Meridionale.
It was a long walk, but we talked about homework, teachers, classmates, and
it was pleasant. Then one day, just beyond the ponds, at the start of the
stradone, I turned and seemed to see on the railway embankment, in his
conductor’s uniform, Donato Sarratore. I started with rage and horror, and
immediately turned away. When I looked again, he was gone.
无论我看到的人是不是他，但我当时心跳得很厉害，就像一阵枪响。不知道为什么，我想到了莉拉给我写的信，她在信里描述那把铜锅撕裂的情景。那声音在第二天又一次出现了，那是我隐约看见尼诺的时候。我很害怕，我藏身于对阿方索的情感之中，出入学校时我都紧紧地跟着他。我爱的那个男生一出现在我的视野里，我就马上跑到堂·阿奇勒的小儿子阿方索身边，就好像有非常重要的事情要告诉他，我们一边走一边聊，尽量远离尼诺。
Whether that apparition was true or
false, the sound my heart made in my chest, like a gunshot, stayed with me,
and, I don’t know why, I thought of the passage in Lila’s letter about the
sound that the copper pot had made when it burst. That same sound returned
the next day, at the mere sight of Nino. Then, frightened, I took cover in
affection for Alfonso, and at both the start and the end of school I kept
near him. As soon as the lanky figure of the boy I loved appeared, I turned
to the younger son of Don Achille as if I had the most urgent things to tell
him, and we walked away chattering.
总之，那是一个混乱的阶段，我特别渴望靠近尼诺，但实际上我粘住了阿方索。而且，我很担心阿方索会厌烦我，担心他会离开我去寻找别人的陪伴，我对他总是非常热情，有时候，我甚至用很撒娇的嗓音和他说话，但当我意识到，我可能会引起他的误会，可能会让他喜欢上我，我马上就改变语调。“假如他误会我，向我表白，那怎么办呢？”我很担心。
It was, in other words, a confusing time, I would have liked to be attached to Nino and yet I was careful to stay glued to Alfonso. In fact, out of fear that he would get bored and leave me for other company, I behaved more and more kindly toward him, sometimes I even spoke sweetly. But as soon as I realized that I risked encouraging his liking me I changed my tone. What if he misunderstands and says he loves me? I worried.
假如他向我告白的话，尽管会很尴尬，但我不得不拒绝他。我的同龄人莉拉，她已经和一个成熟男人斯特凡诺订婚了，我如果找一个小男生——她未婚夫的弟弟做我的男朋友，那是件很没面子的事。我胡思乱想，脑袋里充满了想象。有一次，我和阿方索沿着南方大道往回走，他走在我身边，像一个忠实的随从保护着我，让我躲过这个城市的各种危险。我觉得，卡拉奇家的两兄弟——斯特凡诺和他，能用不同的方式保护我和莉拉，让我们躲过这个世界上最黑暗的罪恶，这是一件很美好的事情。这些罪恶，包括我和莉拉第一次走上通向他们家的楼梯、要回被他们的父亲偷走的布娃娃时，我们感受到的那种恐惧。
It would have been embarrassing, I would
have had to reject him: Lila, my contemporary, was engaged to a man, Stefano,
and it would be humiliating to be with a boy, the little brother of her
fiancé. Yet my mind swirled without restraint, I daydreamed. Once, as I
walked home along Corso Meridionale, with Alfonso beside me like a squire
escorting me through the thousand dangers of the city, it seemed to me right
that the duty had fallen to two Carraccis, Stefano and him, to protect, if in
different forms, Lila and me from the blackest evil in the world, from that
very evil that we had experienced for the first time going up the stairs that
led to their house, when we went to retrieve the dolls that their father had
stolen.
42
我把不同时期的不同事件联系起来，然后找出这些事情之间相似和差异。我喜欢找出事件之间的联系，尤其是关于我和莉拉的事。那段时间里，这成了我每天都考虑的事情：我在伊斯基亚过得很好，而同一段时间，莉拉在这个破败的城区过得很糟糕；离开伊斯基亚岛屿让我很痛苦，她现在却越来越幸福。这些幸福和痛苦的程度都一样，就好像因为某种邪恶的魔法，一个人的痛苦会转化成另一个人的欢乐，或者正好相反。我觉得，从外表来看，我和莉拉也发生了跷跷板一样的转变。在伊斯基亚，我觉得自己很美，回那不勒斯后，我的美没有褪色。相反，在陪伴莉拉、帮助她摆脱马尔切洛纠缠的过程中，有些时候我甚至觉得自己比她更美，我感觉到斯特凡诺的目光，好像他更喜欢我。但现在莉拉又占了上风，她对现在的生活很满意，这让她的美貌成倍增长；而我呢，学校的功课让我很费力，对尼诺充满压抑的激情一直折磨着我，我又变丑了。我健康的肤色慢慢褪色，脸上又长满了青春痘。有一天早上，我还忽然发现了一个可怕的事实：我近视了，需要戴眼镜。
I liked to discover connections like
that, especially if they concerned Lila. I traced lines between moments and
events distant from one another, I established convergences and divergences.
In that period it became a daily exercise: the better off I had been in
Ischia, the worse off Lila had been in the desolation of the neighborhood;
the more I had suffered upon leaving the island, the happier she had become.
It was as if, because of an evil spell, the joy or sorrow of one required the
sorrow or joy of the other; even our physical aspect, it seemed to me, shared
in that swing. In Ischia I had felt beautiful, and the impression had
lingered on my return to Naples—during the constant plotting with Lila to
help her get rid of Marcello, there had even been moments when I thought
again that I was prettier, and in some of Stefano’s glances I had caught the
possibility of his liking me. But Lila now had retaken the upper hand,
satisfaction had magnified her beauty, while I, overwhelmed by schoolwork,
exhausted by my frustrated love for Nino, was growing ugly again. My healthy
color faded, the acne returned. And suddenly one morning the specter of
glasses appeared.
杰拉切老师提问我，问了一个写在黑板上的问题，他发现我基本上看不见黑板上写着什么。他对我说，我应该马上去看眼科。他在一张纸上写明了这件事情，希望第二天我父母中有一个能签字，确认他们知晓此事。我回到家里，把老师写了字的笔记本给他们看，我心里充满了愧疚，因为买眼镜要花钱。我父亲的脸色变得阴沉，母亲斥责我说：“你一直在看书，把眼睛看坏了。”我很难过，我受到了惩罚是因为我傲慢、渴望学习吗？但莉拉呢？她读的书不是要比我还多吗？那为什么她眼睛好好的，而我的视力越来越弱？为什么我一辈子都要戴眼镜，而她却不用戴？
Professor Gerace questioned me about
something he had written on the blackboard, and realized that I could see
almost nothing. He told me that I must go immediately to an oculist, he would
write it down in my notebook, he expected the signature of one of my parents
the next day. I went home and showed them the notebook, full of guilt for the
expense that glasses would involve. My father darkened, my mother shouted,
“You’re always with your books, and now you’ve ruined your eyesight.” I was
extremely hurt. Had I been punished for pride in wishing to study? What about
Lila? Hadn’t she read much more than I had? So then why did she have perfect
vision while mine deteriorated? Why should I have to wear glasses my whole
life and she not?
需要戴眼镜这件事情，无论好坏，让我更加狂热地想象我和我的朋友命运相连的情景：我是瞎子，她眼睛好得像鹰隼；我目光黯淡，她一直眯着眼睛聚光。为了看得更加清楚，我挽着她的胳膊，在暗处，她会很用心地引导我。
The need for glasses intensified my mania for finding a pattern that, in good as in evil, would bind my fate and hers: I was blind, she a falcon; I had an opaque pupil, she narrowed her eyes, with darting glances that saw more; I clung to her arm, among the shadows, she guided me with a stern gaze.
最后，我父亲通过在市政府里倒腾东西弄到了钱。我去了眼科医生那里，最后的诊断是我是高度近视，戴眼镜成为现实。那些想象慢慢散去了。戴上眼镜之后，我看着镜中自己清晰的影像，这对我是一个非常残酷的打击：皮肤很粗糙，脸很宽，嘴很大，鼻子也很大，眼睛框在镜框里，眉毛太浓密，那副镜框也好像是设计师在盛怒之下草草画成的。我觉得非常不安，决定只在家里或者在黑板上抄东西时才戴眼镜。
In the end my father, thanks to his dealings at the city hall, found the money. The fantasies diminished. I went to the oculist, he diagnosed a severe myopia, the glasses materialized. When I looked at myself in the mirror, the clear image was a hard blow: blemished skin, broad face, wide mouth, big nose, eyes imprisoned in frames that seemed to have been drawn insistently by an angry designer under eyebrows already too thick. I felt disfigured, and decided to wear the glasses only at home or, at most, if I had to copy something from the blackboard.
有天放学后，我才想起来自己把眼镜忘在桌子上了。我马上跑回教室，我最担心的事情发生了：下课铃声响起的时候，大家都匆忙收拾东西，我的眼镜掉在了地上了，有一条眼镜腿断了，一片镜片碎了，我哭了起来。
But one day, leaving school, I forgot
them on the desk. I hurried back to the classroom, the worst had happened. In
the haste that seized us all at the sound of the last bell, they had ended up
on the floor: one sidepiece was broken, a lens cracked. I began to cry.
我没勇气回家，而是去找莉拉寻求帮助。我跟她讲了发生的事，她让我把眼镜给她，她看了看。她让我把眼镜留在她那里。她说这句话时，和平时那种坚定的语气不一样，更平静一些了，就好像现在已经不需要为每件小事费尽力气。我想象，里诺会用他做鞋的工具奇迹般地修好我的眼镜。我回到家里，希望我父母不会注意到我没戴眼镜。
I didn’t have the courage to go home, I
took refuge with Lila. I told her what had happened, and gave her the
glasses. She examined them and said to leave them with her. She spoke with a
different sort of determination, calmer, as if it were no longer necessary to
fight to the death for every little thing. I imagined some miraculous
intervention by Rino with his shoemaker’s tools and I went home hoping that
my parents wouldn’t notice that I was without my glasses.
几天后的一个下午，我听见有人在院子里叫我。莉拉在下面，鼻子上戴着我的眼镜，当时我觉得非常震动，首先是因为那副眼镜像是新的一样，其次是因为她戴上那副眼镜真的很好看。我跑了下去，心想：为什么她不需要眼镜，但她戴上眼镜却那么好看，我离不开眼镜，但我戴上却很难看？我一从大门里出去，她就把眼镜摘了下来，眨着眼睛说：“戴得我眼睛疼。”她亲手把眼镜戴在我的鼻子上，感叹说：“你戴上很好看，你应该一直戴着。”她把眼镜给了斯特凡诺，斯特凡诺去市中心的一家眼镜店把眼镜修好了。我有些尴尬地说自己没办法报答她。她带着有些嘲讽，还有一丝狡黠的语气回答说：
A few days afterward, in the late
afternoon, I heard someone calling from the courtyard. Below was Lila, she
had my glasses on her nose and at first I was struck not by the fact that
they were as if new but by how well they suited her. I ran down thinking, why
is it that they look nice on her when she doesn’t need them and they make me,
who can’t do without them, look ugly? As soon as I appeared she took off the
glasses with amusement and put them on my nose herself, exclaiming, “How nice
you look, you should wear them all the time.” She had given the glasses to
Stefano, who had had them fixed by an optician in the city. I murmured in
embarrassment that I could never repay her, she replied ironically, perhaps
with a trace of malice:
“报答是什么意思？”
“Repay in what sense?”
“给你钱。”
“Give you money.”
她微笑了一下，很自豪地说：“不需要，现在我可以随便花钱。”
She smiled, then said proudly, “There’s
no need, I do what I like now with money.”
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