there has always been a force pushing me forward. albeit at different times they are a little different, but i think i can conclude that they are of a sexual nature, or that of vanity itself.
i think i always wanna say, i do things because i want to do it. but deep down i always feel that i do things just to show off.
showing off require the presence of an audience. as i grow older, i feel that my requirement for the correct audience has increased, and the appropriate audience is harder and harder to find.
decomposing things surely can take any traces of romance out of things. i think obscurity，mysticism and unattainability are the core components to produce great feelings of romance.
at this point, i think i can conclude that romances are construct of our own heads. what we are looking for is another individual to cast our imaginary feelings onto. and even in the same relationship, our feelings can be largely different. if we actively trying to love someone, we will be desperately picking out the traits that conform to our idealist few, the rest certainly has no meaning to us. but if we are not at the mood of feeling romantic, then it doesn't really matter what the other person do. even if in the grandeur scene of a firework, all we can see is the pungent smoke and idiotic self -aggrandizing face of the other person.
physical intimacy is a completely different nature. i think male body excites me physically, while female body excites me spiritually. and i would always pick spirituality over physicality.
being with x make me reflect on my previous relationships. how she must felt when she first accepted me. how she might be feeling towards me all the way through. by demystifying my relationships, i feel like the glory and divinity of my past relationship are diminishing. curiosity propels me to seek the truth of things, but almost simultaneously, i realize that by losing the glorification of my past relationship, i am losing a large part of who I am. being scared of losing grasp of my inner peace, I would always tend to stop my thoughts before it proceed too far. but i wonder, whether that is being cowardice or being wise.
no wonder Nietzhe would go mad and depressed. demystifying things would render things lifeless, and somehow , i feel that's against human nature.
the intended way for the human being to act seems to be adding spirituality and life onto lifeless things. myth, stories, legends all excites us like actual food calories. and they are as mandatory to us as actual food on sustaining our life.
Tagore refused to be labeled as philosopher , but rather as an artist. i think he must have realized this aspect of human nature.
on this note, may be it is wise to be a fool and continue to hold on to the glorified notion of my relationship and protect them from being decomposed into meaningless pieces. and maybe, it is wiser to continue adding to the stories, and make them bigger than life itself. they have been and always will be my largest source of spiritual nourishment, my place of escape during solitude and pain. what a fool i would be if i deliberately destroy this large pool of power source and warmth.
i think i consider his love for me a simple mechanism of male hormone at work. thereby consider them rather cheap and nonsignificant. maybe i shouldn't be thinking about it this way. cos when i'm on the other end, i felt a sense of grandeur and magnificence, the contrary of cheap and trivial.
but being aloof is probably the best strategy. to be able to achieve unattainability and mysticism is probably good for him and better for me.
ah, the relationship between male and female bore me out of mind. i find the pleasure from sexual activity largely a burden of the human spirit.
they are certainly not the power that pushes me and illuminate my life.
then what is?
targeting a beautiful individual then pursuing has been really empowering. nothing really compares.
i think that's the power source that pushes me to my utmost enjoyment in life: self improvement and ultimately self realization.
clarification on goals of life:
- start a cooperation and become powerful financially and socially.
- obtain a phd in computer science to be respected academically.
- study music and art to fulfill the spirituality of life, and to learn ways to express the spirituality.
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