2018-07-06

00:01:49 Fuck Wolverine.

00:01:53 First, he rides my coattails with the R-rating.

00:01:56 Then, the hairy motherfucker ups the ante by dying.

00:02:00 What a dick!

00:02:02 Well guess what, Wolvie?

00:02:04 I'm dying in this one, too.

00:02:10 To understand why I took a catnap on 1,200 gallons of high-test fuel...

00:02:14 I need to take you back to the doody slopes of six weeks ago.

00:02:18 I've gone international. Taking on mass murderers, gangsters,

00:02:22 unspeakable monsters.

00:02:23 People nobody would touch. Except me.

00:02:27 I'm gonna touch them all over.

00:02:32 Hey. It's Gail calling.

00:02:34 Love the shiny suit. Really brings out the sex trafficker in your eyes.

00:02:40 I don't speak Cantonese, Mister...

00:02:44 Well I'm not even gonna attempt that.

00:02:46 But I did take eighth grade Spanish, so...

00:02:49 Donde esta la biblioteca?

00:02:51 Which literally translates to...

00:02:54 "I don't bargain, pumpkin-fucker."

00:03:07 Uno, dos, tres, quatr...

00:03:21 I'll take a glitter off your glitter fucking vodka.

00:03:23 I know it's called sea breeze. Don't make me say it.

00:03:26 Hit it, Dolly.

00:03:45 Taking the hands off the guns of the criminals.

00:03:56 Do not go in there!

00:04:07 Oh, God! Oh, God! Time out! Time out!

00:04:10 Cut! Just like Cyclops, can't open my eyes.

00:04:17 Fuck!

00:04:19 Scoutmaster Kevin?

00:04:28 Too exotic?

00:04:32 My world tour brought me home to this guy.

00:04:35 Sergei

00:04:36 We'll get to him in a moment.

00:04:38 Because I know what you're thinking.

00:04:39 "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home."

00:04:42 But that's where you'd be wrong.

00:04:44 That babysitter of yours, is high as fuck right now.

00:04:47 And believe it or not...

00:04:48 Deadpool 2, is a family film.

00:04:51 True story.

00:04:52 And every good family film starts with a vicious murder.

00:04:56 Bambi, The Lion King, Saw VII.

00:04:59 Holy shit-pickles. That guy's on fire!

00:05:02 That's not CGI, folks. He's actually on fire. Yeah.

00:05:06 You know, you need to take out bad guys, right?

00:05:09 But this guy... He was one of the worst of 'em.

00:05:15 Open up with this fucking door, and let's kill this motherfu...

00:05:24 Ugh... So gross.

00:05:27 A panic room? Really?

00:05:29 Can you come out?

00:05:32 I really have to go. It's my anniversary.

00:05:41 Open up what you feel inside. Just not having enough confidence.

00:05:44 Listen, confidence is not something you have. It's something you create.

00:05:47 And you can create it any moment in time.

00:05:49 A sense of confidence is nothing but a sense of power within yourself.

00:05:53 A sense of certainty that you can pull something off.

00:05:55 And you can create that feeling within you, in a moment.

00:05:58 Start the fucking car!

00:06:06 - Woo! - I shit my pants.

00:06:08 Actually, that may have been me.

00:06:10 Mission accomplished?

00:06:12 Well, George W-sort of way.

00:06:14 Fucker can't stay in a panic room forever.

00:06:16 - You are living the dreams, DP. - It has been quite the run, Dopinder.

00:06:19 And who'd have thought?

00:06:21 Now I'm talked about in the same sentence as Jesus.

00:06:23 Passion of the Christ, then, me. At least, domestically.

00:06:26 We beat them overseas, where there's no such thing as religion.

00:06:29 I do want to live the dreams, Poolboy.

00:06:32 Taxiing is not as sexy as it looks.

00:06:34 - I want to fill my... - Pockets? What's your poison?

00:06:37 Little cookie cokey?

00:06:39 Can't maintain an erection without buying shoes online?

00:06:42 Never experienced that last one.

00:06:45 - Talk to me, - I was going to say, soul.

00:06:47 I want to fill my soul. I want to belong to something, like you, Pool, sir.

00:06:52 Dopinder?

00:06:53 You never cease to surprise me.

00:06:57 The depth of your heart is extraordinary.

00:07:00 We all need a sense of belonging. We all need a genuine sense of home.

00:07:04 - a place... - I want to become a contract killer.

00:07:06 I'm sorry. What did you say?

00:07:08 Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu, and tried to end him...

00:07:11 You kinda killed him.

00:07:13 - Remember the movie Interview with the Vampire? - I don't want to.

00:07:15 When Tom Cruise fed ten-year old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time.

00:07:20 Then she looked up at his smooth, handsome face,

00:07:24 and said, "I want some more".

00:07:27 Oh, Pool, picture me! A ten-year old Kirsten Dunst.

00:07:31 I'll never not picture that.

00:07:34 But I can't wait to never speak of this. As soon as possible.

00:07:38 We're here.

00:07:43 - You're my Tom Cruise. - And you're my Kristen Dunst!

00:07:46 Kristen? Kirsten?

00:07:52 Sorry I'm late.

00:07:54 There was a bunch of...

00:07:55 Handicappable children stuck in a tree. I had to...

00:07:59 You're right.

00:08:00 I was fighting a caped badass.

00:08:02 - Then I discovered his mom was named Martha, too. - No.

00:08:06 Traffic?

00:08:08 Hmm?

00:08:10 - Kiss me like you miss me, Red. - Well, come here.

00:08:24 I wanna shower and get out of this suit.

00:08:26 - Don't you want your surprise? - Do I look like a patient burn victim?

00:08:33 Happy anniversary, baby.

00:08:38 The ski-ball token.

00:08:40 - Our first date. - Yup.

00:08:43 That's genuine high-grade lead.

00:08:48 I'll keep it forever.

00:08:51 Thank you, baby.

00:08:54 Open yours.

00:08:57 Well that's...

00:08:59 That's just the most beautiful thing I ever...

00:09:01 I don't know what this is.

00:09:02 My IUD.

00:09:04 A bomb?

00:09:05 No, dick for brains. My birth control device.

00:09:08 You mean your....

00:09:10 - Baby factory is open for business. - Oh, my God!

00:09:14 Oh, my God! I want a boy.

00:09:16 Or a little girl. Just really one or the other.

00:09:20 I want our kids to have only one name.

00:09:23 Like Cher.

00:09:24 Or Todd.

00:09:26 - You gotta pump a baby in me first, cowboy. - Yes, I do.

00:09:29 - Let's watch some porn and show that bed who's boss. - Let's do that.

00:09:41 Does this song sound familiar to you?

00:09:46 May.

00:09:48 Connor? If it's a boy.

00:09:50 May if it's a girl.

00:09:55 So weird.

00:09:57 Family's a lot like an "F"-word to me.

00:10:01 Pile of shit father took off and bailed, and...

00:10:05 It's not like I have a lot of strong role models to draw off of for Todd.

00:10:11 Hey.

00:10:12 Look at me.

00:10:14 You are not your father.

00:10:18 Besides...

00:10:20 I will never, ever...

00:10:22 let our child be named "Todd".

00:10:25 But here's the thing. Isn't that how it always works?

00:10:28 Like in Star Wars...

00:10:30 Men are destined to become their father?

00:10:33 And then have consensual sex with their sister?

00:10:36 I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie.

00:10:39 - No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her. - Baby, that's Empire.

00:10:44 The point is, kids...

00:10:48 They give us a chance to be better than we are.

00:10:51 Better than we used to be.

00:10:54 You're a lot smarter than you look.

00:10:57 I'm gonna go make dessert.

00:10:59 You get the strap-on. Let's make a superbaby.

00:11:04 I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way but we can try.

00:11:07 What about Krystal, with a K?

00:11:11 That's too stripper-y.

00:11:13 Kevin with a K?

00:11:14 No. Too stripper-y too.

00:11:17 Earl?

00:11:19 He's gonna go straight to jail if we name him Earl.

00:11:24 What about Bruce?

00:11:28 - Get down. - What?

00:11:59 Baby? Baby?

00:12:04 I'm okay.

00:12:06 Thank God, I didn't have to use the cream cheese spreader.

00:16:03 Papa, can you hear me?

00:16:07 Is it just me or does "Do you want to Build A Snowman" from Frozen

00:16:10 sounds suspiciously like "Papa, Can You Hear Me" from Yentl?

00:16:15 Papa, can you hear me?

00:16:18 That nobody fucking realizes it.

00:16:21 Go home. You've been here for three days, okay?

00:16:24 You smell like somebody shit in a civil war wound after it had become gangrenous

00:16:28 They should've just amputated it. Why shit in it. It doesn't make any sense.

00:16:32 I love Frozen.

00:16:34 I loved her. I loved her like ocean loved water.

00:16:37 - An ocean is water. - More importantly...

00:16:40 I liked her.

00:16:41 I really liked her, you know?

00:16:44 George Michael was right. I'm never gonna dance again. Fuck. He's dead too.

00:16:49 - At least we still have Bowie. - Yeah.

00:16:53 We still... have Bowie.

00:16:56 I'm sorry.

00:16:57 Shot after shot, it's not gonna change the fact that I think you're...

00:17:01 Are you pissing? Are you urinating right now? You're making the face that you make when you're urinating.

00:17:05 - Is he pissing? - I'm on it.

00:17:07 There you go, Dopinder.

00:17:09 You wanna be a contract killer, you're gonna handle a mop before you handle a gun.

00:17:13 Although I don't quite understand how they are all similar.

00:17:15 Well, they both have handles. Now leave me.

00:17:19 Go home, Wade.

00:17:20 I don't have a home.

00:17:24 Whoa. Okay, I'm fine. Honestly, I'm fine.

00:17:27 You know what fine stands for, Wade?

00:17:29 Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.

00:17:32 According to the...

00:17:35 Kubler-Ross.

00:17:37 According to the Kubler-Ross model, denial is just one of the five stages of grief.

00:17:41 Jesus Christ, Buck.

00:17:44 No more speaking lines for you.

00:18:22 - I'm thinking it over. - Motherfucker! Fuck.

00:18:28 What the hell are you doing here? Don't you know how to knock?

00:18:32 I thought you saw me. With your ears.

00:18:36 - You're lucky I didn't shoot you in... - The wall? The refrigerator?

00:18:40 I'm in so much pain.

00:18:44 I heard the news, sweetie.

00:18:46 I'm very sorry. I am.

00:18:48 What am I gonna do, Al?

00:18:50 Probably something terrible.

00:18:53 - Knowing you. - It was my fault.

00:18:57 I fucking did this.

00:19:00 And all I wanna do is grab her, see her. Tell her that I'm sorry and I can't.

00:19:06 She's gone.

00:19:08 Sweetheart, can you speak up?

00:19:11 It's a little hard to hear you with that pity dick in your mouth.

00:19:14 Now look, sugar.

00:19:15 - You need to just keep living. - Thank you...

00:19:18 Matthew McConaughey, your words are a treasure.

00:19:22 Listen to the pain.

00:19:23 It's both history teacher and fortune-teller.

00:19:27 Pain teaches us who we'd all be.

00:19:30 Sometimes it's so bad, we feel like we're dying.

00:19:34 But we can't really live 'till we die a little, can we?

00:19:39 Wade?

00:19:43 - Wade? - I'm right here, Althea.

00:19:45 Maybe that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

00:19:50 You're absolutely right.

00:19:55 I'm about to do something terrible.

00:20:02 There. All caught up.

00:20:04 You can't really live until you've died a little.

00:20:07 Let's test that theory, shall we?

00:20:41 I love you, Wade Wilson.

00:20:45 Ness?

00:20:48 Ness?

00:20:50 Ness?

00:20:52 Ness, there's something here. I can't get to you.

00:20:56 Your heart's not in the right place.

00:20:59 Wait. Hold on, what?

00:21:01 Your heart's not in the right place.

00:21:03 Wait, what's that, what do you mean my heart's not in the right place? What does it...

00:21:26 I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Wade. You're broken.

00:21:30 Oh, God. I know that voice.

00:21:37 Heart's in the right place. Heart's not, what does that mean?

00:21:40 You've been sleep for three days.

00:21:42 - I took the liberty of dressing you. - No shit.

00:21:46 - Why can't I fucking die? - Take your mask off, Wade.

00:21:50 We must talk. You need fresh start.

00:21:53 With training, you can be X-Man.

00:21:56 You're wasting your time, shiny Jesus.

00:21:58 - I'm not X-Men material. - Understatement of the year.

00:22:01 Wade, Yukio. Yukio, Wade.

00:22:04 What, in the fuck-knuckles is this?

00:22:07 She's my girlfriend, you intolerant shit.

00:22:09 Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox and Friends.

00:22:11 I'm just surprised anyone would date you. Especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony.

00:22:16 - I like this guy. - Give him a chance.

00:22:20 - It's great seeing you like this. - Yeah...

00:22:24 Bye, Wade!

00:22:25 Now some ground rules while under our roof.

00:22:28 Rule number one: No killing. Anyone. Ever.

00:22:32 No matter how bad.

00:22:34 Rule two: Label everything in refriger... Wade?

00:22:38 Wade?

00:22:41 Don't try to chase me. Not ready to be touched yet.

00:22:45 All these elderly white men on the walls.

00:22:48 Should've brought my rape whistle.

00:22:50 Those were already damaged after they fell there.

00:22:53 What am I supposed to do around here, anyway. Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings?

00:22:58 And how would I do that, exactly, because...

00:23:01 Where the fuck is everyone?

00:23:03 It's always just you and Negasonic Teenage

00:23:05 - Longest Name ever. - Enough!

00:23:08 I said no touching.

00:23:10 What the... fuck.

00:23:14 You'd think the studio would throw us a bone.

00:23:16 They can't just dust off one of the famous X-Men?

00:23:19 How about that pots with the giant pigeon wings? What do those do in there?

00:23:22 Carry them three feet off the ground to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb?

00:23:25 No, no, no, no, no. No.

00:23:28 I am not X-men material, at all.

00:23:31 First off...

00:23:33 I'm not even a virgin. Sceond, and more...

00:23:37 I should've left you in the self-pitying mess I found you in.

00:23:41 But this is what friends do. They show up.

00:23:43 Not when convenient or easy.

00:23:45 When hard.

00:23:46 And you always make it hard.

00:23:50 You are unwell.

00:23:52 I'm sticking my neck out for you.

00:23:55 One of the assholes who killed Vanessa got away.

00:24:01 - Jesus Christ. - Wade.

00:24:04 Whoever they are, we track them down and bring them to justice.

00:24:08 It was me.

00:24:13 I'm the asshole who got away.

00:24:16 I killed every last one of them. Except me.

00:24:19 Couldn't kill me.

00:24:24 We were gonna start a family.

00:24:27 We were, uhh...

00:24:31 We were gonna be a family.

00:24:33 Wade, Vanessa is gone.

00:24:36 She is not coming back.

00:24:38 This may not be family you want.

00:24:41 But, it's family you need.

00:24:43 You have a good heart. It belongs here, where it can grow.

00:24:48 What did you say?

00:24:51 About my heart?

00:24:58 I think I'm in the right place.

00:26:14 Wade.

00:26:16 Wade!

00:26:18 Hey. I was just taking Cerebro for a spin here. Looking deep into the future.

00:26:23 - This thing... - That's not how Cerebro works.

00:26:26 Yes. Yes.

00:26:27 - We have mission. - We have mission. We do.

00:26:30 You do. You guys stay safe out there.

00:26:32 - No. I want you to join. - No. You want me to join.

00:26:37 - I'm sorry. What? - You are ready.

00:26:39 That's a terrible idea, and it's gonna end badly.

00:26:41 You wanna know how I know? I'll give you a hint.

00:26:43 It's on my head and smells like Patrick Stewart.

00:26:47 Be at the X-jet in five.

00:26:51 Irene Merryweather, WHIT News.

00:26:54 Live here on a breaking news situation at the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation.

00:26:59 A mutant boy is appearing to have some sort of an incident with police here behind me.

00:27:04 There are two police vehicles that are overturned...

00:27:08 A scene of absolute chaos...

00:27:10 I'll burn you! Just stay back.

00:27:14 Get away from me! You wanna fucking die?

00:27:33 It appears as if the X-Men are arriving with, what appears to be a trainee.

00:27:39 Everyone calm down. The pros are here.

00:27:43 We're the X-Men.

00:27:44 A dated metaphor for racism in the '60s.

00:27:47 So, respect.

00:27:49 At ease, officer.

00:27:52 What are you doing?

00:27:54 My job.

00:27:55 You're the one who said I was ready and I frankly disagreed with you.

00:27:58 But here we are. Trying to overcome our differences. Like Beyonce says:

00:28:02 "Please. Please stop cheating on me."

00:28:05 Hey!

00:28:06 This is the fifth incident.

00:28:08 This kid needs to be in the Icebox. Not here.

00:28:10 Russell belongs in our care. Not in prison.

00:28:13 I assure you, we have everything under control.

00:28:16 Not getting a real "under control" vibe here, Marty.

00:28:19 - It is Glenn, isn't it? - Daniel.

00:28:21 I'll ask the questions. Let me talk to the kid.

00:28:24 You stay here wth your weird...

00:28:27 Secret sex lips.

00:28:30 - You wanna die? - He's so adorable. Dunno why I packed a hollow point.

00:28:34 - I'll burn your balls off. - First day. I'm so nervous.

00:28:38 Did you just say hollow points?

00:28:40 Yeah. Probably should've brought a super soaker.

00:28:44 Hi, there.

00:28:46 Stay back, or Justin Bieber dies.

00:28:50 Justin Bieber. He called you Justin Bieber.

00:28:54 Wait, wait. Okay, let's not do...

00:28:57 Whatever that is. Okay?

00:28:59 Let's just talk. It's Russell. Right?

00:29:02 - Firefist. - Firefist!

00:29:04 That's a great name.

00:29:06 Where does it burn? Just the fist or all the way up to the elbow?

00:29:13 Definitely all the way up to the elbow.

00:29:15 Come quietly. Or there will be trouble.

00:29:18 - You stole that from Robocop. - Robocop!

00:29:21 Just stand down. You're embarassing me. Look!

00:29:24 Firefi... Fire...!

00:29:27 I can't say it. I'm so sorry!

00:29:34 Shit. That fucking does it!

00:29:37 Put your hands behind your knees and get down in your head, now!

00:29:41 Wade!

00:29:41 What was first rule?

00:29:43 Label everything in the refrigerator!

00:29:44 - Do not escalate! - Rules are meant to be broken!

00:29:48 That's the exact opposite of what they are meant for!

00:29:51 Fuck! Fine.

00:29:53 I'll start from the beginning.

00:29:55 - My name is Deadpool, and I'm an X-Man. - Trainee!

00:29:59 I get it.

00:30:01 All right? You're scared.

00:30:03 Alone.

00:30:05 You got no family? I didn't have a family. You live in this dump? Well guess what?

00:30:08 I used to live in a shithole just like it.

00:30:11 But you know something?

00:30:12 I think that is worse.

00:30:14 It's a confusing time in your life right now. Your body...

00:30:17 Is going through some fiery changes.

00:30:19 Too far. I went too far.

00:30:28 That was effervescent.

00:30:31 Stay in school kid. Or don't. I didn't.

00:30:35 - I'm an X-Man. - Trainee.

00:30:38 Fuck it. Superhero landing coming up.

00:30:45 Fuck, fuck, fuck. That's so impractical.

00:31:09 - I could get used to this X-Men shit. - Trainee!

00:31:12 Trainee!

00:31:13 - Get a collar and restrain him, now. - Calm down, squirt.

00:31:16 It's over. We got ya.

00:31:20 What's that do?

00:31:21 Power dampening collar.

00:31:23 Shuts down all mutant abilities. Can't get it off.

00:31:26 Unless you've got a grenade.

00:31:28 Could've used one of those in the first act.

00:31:31 Thank you.

00:31:34 That was absolutely thrilling.

00:31:36 True heroism in action. We are in your debt.

00:31:40 We can take it from here.

00:31:42 Take me to the Icebox, please. Anywhere is better than here.

00:31:46 Believe me son, you do not wanna go to the Icebox.

00:31:49 Let's get you inside, young man.

00:31:50 No, wait. Wait, you just, you guys stay there.

00:32:04 Those guys hurt you?

00:32:07 Who?

00:32:11 Baldylocks? Jared Kushner?

00:32:21 Fuck it. Four or five moments.

00:32:23 - I'm sorry? - Four...

00:32:26 Or five moments.

00:32:29 That's all it takes to be a hero.

00:32:32 People think you wake up a hero.

00:32:35 Brush your teeth a hero.

00:32:37 Ejaculate into a soap dispenser a hero.

00:32:41 But no. Being a hero

00:32:44 takes only a few moments.

00:32:46 Few moments doing the ugly stuff no one else will do.

00:32:54 No!

00:32:59 - Wade, what did you do? - Colossus, no!

00:33:02 That kid was abused. You can tell, you can always tell.

00:33:04 We have rules. You are not judge, jury or executioner.

00:33:08 Fuck your rules. I fight for what's right.

00:33:11 And sometimes, you gotta fight dirty.

00:33:13 You let me down for the last time, Wade.

00:33:46 I wonder what gang I'll be in.

00:33:50 Is there like a sorting hat?

00:33:58 Hard left, douchebag.

00:34:04 Please. After you.

00:34:06 Another disgusting mutant off the streets. God bless America.

00:34:09 It's a good to talk a little.

00:34:14 Nighty-night, you annoying prick.

00:34:49 But I'm gonna tell you what the big lie is.

00:34:53 Toilet paper.

00:34:54 Toilet paper is certified appetizer.

00:34:57 But then...

00:35:00 Huggies Natural Care wet wipes.

00:35:02 That's your main course. They're soft. They're moist.

00:35:05 They're for babies.

00:35:07 And finally. One more patch of toilet paper made me clear out that excess moisture.

00:35:12 Maybe treat yourself to a glow and go if you can get you a hair dryer.

00:35:15 Just about thirty seconds until you get...

00:35:21 What the fuck.

00:35:24 Year?

00:35:26 What?

00:35:28 What year is it?

00:35:30 What kind of dumbass question is that to ask?

00:35:51 - You're a long way from your superpowers. - Yeah.

00:35:54 Okay.

00:35:59 I wanted to be a superhero.

00:36:01 Always wanted my own supersuit.

00:36:04 - What happened? - When's the last time you saw a plus-sized superhero?

00:36:08 Never. The industry discriminates.

00:36:12 Fuck superheroes.

00:36:14 Fuck everyone.

00:36:16 The first thing I'm gonna do when I get out of here...

00:36:18 Burn the Headmaster alive, and then take a selfie with the smoldering corpse.

00:36:24 Who says prison isn't informative?

00:36:26 Fucker hates mutants.

00:36:29 Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand.

00:36:33 Your abilities...

00:36:36 I know how seductive they are.

00:36:40 Please, no more crying.

00:36:49 Tomorrow, I'll find the biggest guy in here.

00:36:53 I'm gonna make him my b...

00:36:58 - What was that? - That is the biggest guy in here.

00:37:02 Fun fact about the Icebox: though no one's ever seen it,

00:37:06 they keep a monster in the basement.

00:37:08 Right next to a huge steaming bowl of foreshadowing.

00:37:12 Look...

00:37:14 I can't protect you.

00:37:17 With this collar on, my superpower is just unbridled cancer.

00:37:21 Give me a bow and arrow, and I'm basically Hawkeye.

00:37:24 Now if you'll excuse me, I've got tumors to grow. Vanessa awaits.

00:37:30 I'll start by making us a shank.

00:37:32 - Good listening. - I saw that guard's pen and stashed it in the old,

00:37:36 - prison wallet. If you know what I'm saying? - Prison wallet?

00:37:41 I really hope I don't know what you're saying.

00:37:46 I can hear you rummaging around in there.

00:37:53 Here to update you on the story reported earlier...

00:37:56 After a lengthy stand-off outside the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation,

00:38:00 two mutants were arrested and transported to the Icebox.

00:38:03 Entering repair mode.

00:38:49 Don't. Don't do that.

00:38:51 What? Why are you winking at me?

00:38:58 - I've got your back. - Oh, my God.

00:39:01 - I said I'm gonna protect you. - Just leave me alone, kid.

00:39:05 Oh, great.

00:39:08 Well. Look at our new friends.

00:39:11 It's nice to see some fresh faces around here.

00:39:14 That's some light catalogue, but really, modelling's just a stepping stone for acting.

00:39:19 I wasn't talking to him.

00:39:21 Have we met? Can't place your moustache.

00:39:25 - Black Tom Cassidy. - White Wade Wilson.

00:39:28 What's your superpower? Cultural appropriation?

00:39:31 You're supposed to be the toughest cunt in here.

00:39:34 You don't look like much to me.

00:39:36 First rule of the yard, fuck-face. Find the biggest guy and make him your...

00:39:45 Second biggest guy. The last thing I need is more hepatitis.

00:39:50 It's slippery, too. This table needs a wipedown.

00:39:53 Can we get a wipedown on the table?

00:39:56 - Kid, I think you picked the wrong side. - No I didn't.

00:40:00 - He's my friend. - Zip it. We're not friends.

00:40:05 You're about to get dick-slapped...

00:40:18 I had so much fun. You were like, and I was like...

00:40:22 - Please, let me die in peace. - We make a great team.

00:40:27 We're not a team.

00:40:29 I just saved your back there. We're friends. Partners.

00:40:33 We're not partners. Or friends.

00:40:37 This doesn't end with us riding into the sunset. It ends with me dying of cancer.

00:40:41 And you winning the Icebox award for Softest Mouth.

00:40:47 There's only one person in this world that I care about, and she's gone.

00:40:52 You wanna survive?

00:40:55 Stop trying to shank the biggest guys in here. Make friends with them.

00:41:02 Make friends with someone.

00:41:05 Anyone but me.

00:41:07 Maybe even Black Tim.

00:41:10 Black Evan? I don't know. All I remember is he's African-American.

00:42:13 Searching.

00:42:15 Cell 0-4. Located.

00:42:19 The door won't open.

00:43:00 That was our cell.

00:43:04 What did I do to piss off a grumpy old fucker with a Winter Soldier arm?

00:43:16 Get away from me, kid.

00:43:26 Listen to me, go!

00:43:33 Hello, Russell.

00:44:57 Hello, superpowers.

00:45:17 Who are you?

00:45:19 I'm Batman.

00:45:38 That's got some zip!

00:45:48 Don't do that. Even I can't kill me.

00:45:52 Talk!

00:45:53 What kind of spineless shitstick tries to kill a 14-year old boy?

00:45:58 You might wanna start talking because I got a long history of firing at times like this.

00:46:03 The name's Cable. I'm from the future. Just walk away.

00:46:10 So you're from the future. All right, three questions, then. One...

00:46:15 Is dubstep still a thing?

00:46:17 Two. What Sharknado are we on? And three...

00:46:22 At what point do I need to say, enough with the robotic arms?

00:47:08 - Dubstep's for pussies. - You're so dark!

00:47:11 Are you sure you're not from the DC Universe?

00:47:14 They love dubstep!

00:47:42 Is that a fanny pack? I used to have one of those in ninety-ninetynever.

00:47:47 - Something to remember you by. - Give me that back.

00:47:51 That goes with me everywhere. Like the memory of your fucking fanny pack.

00:48:05 Why are you protecting the kid?

00:48:08 I don't give a fuck about him.

00:48:11 He's arguably had a mother complex.

00:48:16 What's this one do?

00:48:31 In every film, is a moment when the hero hits rock bottom.

00:48:35 In Cool Runnings, it was when John Candy's prized bobsled broke.

00:48:39 In Human Centipede, it was when those people, signed on to be in that movie.

00:48:44 But in this film, well, you're looking at it.

00:48:52 Rock...

00:48:57 Meet bottom.

00:49:10 Ness?

00:49:12 Hey, Ness!

00:49:15 Ness! Can you let me in? Please!

00:49:18 Please.

00:49:20 Oh, Jesus.

00:49:25 You're not giving a lot of direction here. I'm at the end of my rope.

00:49:31 I joined the X-Men...

00:49:33 Went to prison, with a...

00:49:39 With a kid.

00:49:43 Kids give us a chance to be better than we used to be.

00:49:47 The kid!

00:50:02 That's exactly what she meant. Your heart needs to be in the right place.

00:50:05 I'm not gonna abandon this kid. He's never had anyone. Ever.

00:50:09 - I need to be selfless. - Yeah. But was does that mean?

00:50:13 It means, I'mma save Russell.

00:50:16 Maybe I couldn't save Nessa, but maybe I can save a robust teenager from New Zealand.

00:50:20 Yeah, what I mean is the word selfless. I really don't know what that means.

00:50:24 - Jesus Christ. - Okay.

00:50:26 Look, according to my guy,

00:50:28 those muties are being transferred to a super-max 80 miles away.

00:50:32 - Great. I'll pick them off along the way. - Hold your testicles there, buddy. Okay?

00:50:36 We're talking about an armored convoy. And, a vicious super-soldier from the future

00:50:41 - just looking to turn your skull into a fuckable ashtray. - You know what we need to do?

00:50:45 We need to build a fucking team. We need them tough,

00:50:48 morally flexible, and young enough so they can carry this franchise 10 to 12 years.

00:50:52 - My body is an instrument of death. - Not now, Dopinder.

00:50:56 - I could be of great use. - What's your superpower?

00:51:01 That's adorable.

00:51:03 You had the courage to check and see if there're enough sanitary napkins in the dispenser?

00:51:09 Sorry you had to see that. No, I'm glad you heard it.

00:51:12 All right, I'll put out a call for resumes. But we're not paying medical or dental.

00:51:16 It's time to get back on LinkedIn.

00:51:57 Transport will begin at 0800 hours.

00:52:01 - The fuck you want? - That's my fucking pudding.

00:52:04 Fuck your pudding.

00:52:28 Hello?

00:52:31 I know you're in there.

00:52:49 Must be hard being the biggest guy in here.

00:52:52 Lonely at the top.

00:52:55 They're moving us tomorrow.

00:52:59 Maybe I can get you out of here.

00:53:02 We can make the whole world our bitch.

00:53:07 We need a secret code.

00:53:11 No, that's stupid, Russell. You idiot.

00:53:22 We're a team. We're like thugs, we're like gangsters.

00:53:26 I'm like 2Pac, and you're like Ice Cube.

00:53:32 Terrific. These are all terrific.

00:53:34 Meet Bedlam.

00:53:36 Cool name. Superpowers?

00:53:38 I can distort electrical fields.

00:53:41 Including the one inside your brain. Causing anxiety, confusion, pain.

00:53:48 So basically, you're Dave Matthews. We can use him.

00:53:53 - I'm Zeitgeist. - Cool.

00:53:56 I'd like to say you have the power to put your finger on the,

00:53:59 - the pulse of society? - No. No, I spit acidic vomit.

00:54:05 - You want me to demonstrate? - No, we'll take your word for it.

00:54:07 Listen, we're all eating at Arby's. Okay?

00:54:10 This is the Vanisher.

00:54:16 But...

00:54:18 Vanisher!

00:54:22 - Nice! - Right?

00:54:25 - He's not here, is he? - He may be running late.

00:54:29 - My name's Rusty but I go by Shatterstar. - That's good. Yeah.

00:54:33 Rusty is... terrible.

00:54:36 - So, where are you from? - The planet Mojoworld.

00:54:39 So you're an alien, I guess. How does that help us?

00:54:42 I'm basically better than you at everything.

00:54:45 For just once I wanna find a planet with people that are worse than me at everything. Whole bunch of functional idiots.

00:54:51 - I'm gonna go there and be their Superman. - Isn't that Canada?

00:54:54 You shut your goddamn trash mouth.

00:54:58 - Meet... - Domino.

00:55:00 - What's your shtick? - I'm lucky.

00:55:02 - If you're so lucky then what are you doing here with us? - I don't know yet.

00:55:05 - What's that supposed to mean? - It means that I don't know yet.

00:55:08 But there's a reason why I'm here. I don't know why I know. Everything usually works out for me.

00:55:12 - Luck isn't a superpower. - Yes, it is.

00:55:14 - No it's not. No-nay. Mario No-pez. - Yes it is. Hmm-mmm.

00:55:18 - Yeah. - Not-cho cheese.

00:55:19 - No, definitely... - There's no way...

00:55:21 - I, sorry I was interrupting you. - No. I interrupted you.

00:55:23 - No, no, no. You can go first. - I was just gonna say, no it's not.

00:55:26 I was gonna just bring it back to that, yes, it is.

00:55:29 - Let's meet in the middle and say no, it isn't. - But it is.

00:55:32 Okay...

00:55:34 - You're hired! - Oh, lucky me.

00:55:37 She's great.

00:55:38 - And last, but not least. - Peter.

00:55:43 Are you cat-fished here? Or...

00:55:45 Any powers you wanna tell us about? Any, uh... Nope?

00:55:49 I don't have them. I just saw the ad and, thought it looked fun.

00:55:55 - You're in. - Yeah.

00:55:56 Fuck!

00:56:07 Let's go!

00:56:22 This is convoy 17. Departing the Icebox. We're inbound.

00:56:33 Peacetime makes people soft.

00:56:37 I was born into war.

00:56:41 Bred into it.

00:56:43 - Okay. - People think they understand pain.

00:56:47 What's the most pain you've ever felt?

00:56:51 - These strains are pretty... - I've done a list.

00:56:55 We're gonna work down it. Together.

00:57:00 Number one, I'm gonna bend something.

00:57:03 Something that was not meant to bend.

00:57:05 Yeah, I'm gonna stop you right there. Because I'm not gonna make it to two.

00:57:07 I won't even make it to one. I don't do well with pain, you know?

00:57:10 I'm done for the day.

00:57:13 I cried when they cancelled Felicity.

00:57:15 Right. I'm really scared, I get nervous erections. I got one right now.

00:57:19 Don't look at it, only make it worse. I don't want you to hurt me and I'll tell you anything,

00:57:23 anything you wanna know. Except for where they are.

00:57:27 Russell's in a convoy heading southbound on Cherry Duggan parkway. The monster's with him. I wouldn't fuck with him.

00:57:32 Intercept the convoy. Grab the boy. Not inappropriately.

00:57:36 Know what, I wouldn't fuck with Deadpool either. Because he's built a team.

00:57:40 - He's unstoppable. - He has an ass-pen. He'll stab you with it.

00:57:44 Watch out for this guy, Cable.

00:57:46 He's very short. 5'11". Not like in the comics.

00:57:50 And if we succeed, we'll all go home early.

00:57:53 So you go after them Cable. I warn you.

00:57:56 There's a wind advisory in effect.

00:58:09 A little turbulent out there.

00:58:18 I don't know much about this Cable fella, but I guarantee,

00:58:20 he hasn't killed as many people as melanoma has.

00:58:25 - We're getting close. - As a former X-Man...

00:58:28 - Trainee. - Thank you, Bedlam.

00:58:29 I was always appalled by the blatant sexism in the group's name.

00:58:33 "X-Men?" Men?

00:58:35 The point is our group will be forward-thinking. Gender neutral.

00:58:40 From now on, we'll be known as...

00:58:44 X-Force.

00:58:46 - Isn't that a little derivative? - I don't recall asking your opinion, Peter.

00:58:51 That wasn't me.

00:59:00 Hang along, we are at 1,300 feet. Intercept the convoy and grab the boy.

00:59:04 - Let's bring on the carnage, baby! - Get me on the ground, watch me go!

00:59:08 - Yeah! - Woo!

00:59:11 I just... I just wanna say how proud I am of this team.

00:59:15 You know, you guys, look amazing.

00:59:18 Vanisher I have no doubt you look amazing, too.

00:59:21 If this is the family that I've always dreamed of having, I had...

00:59:25 Shit. I missed out.

00:59:27 I have struggles with that sometimes.

00:59:29 - I hate to interrupt but is anybody nervous about the hard winds? - Gary.

00:59:33 - My name's Peter. - I realize you're new to this. Relax.

00:59:36 - You've been chosen by a higher power. - Did he just call himself god?

00:59:39 - I think he did. - I'd like to go home.

00:59:41 And I'd like the McRib to be available year-round!

00:59:44 But sometimes...

00:59:46 You think we didn't jump out the plane to get a light breeze?

00:59:49 Cure this shit now, moustache!

00:59:52 I'm only yelling to impress the other guys. I'll never let anything happen to you, Sugarbear.

00:59:56 Hit it!

01:00:07 Go! Go! Go!

01:00:44 Let's get some!

01:00:47 Oh, yeah!

01:00:49 Convoy, 12 o'clock. On my command.

01:00:52 Deploy!

01:01:01 A little off-course here.

01:01:04 Holy mommy fucking shit!

01:01:09 There they are. Look at these gorgeous sons of bitches.

01:01:13 Oh, yeah. That's right, Bedlam.

01:01:21 Motherfucking village!

01:01:25 Shatterstar. Okay. You got this.

01:01:29 Left. Left!

01:01:31 Left, you idiot!

01:01:37 Well, I guess we found something you're not good at.

01:01:42 Vanisher.

01:01:43 Maybe the wind can't blow what it can't see.

01:01:48 Really? All right. We can do this with four.

01:01:52 Sugarbear. You got this, buddy.

01:01:55 That's the stuff. That's the X-Force spirit.

01:01:58 Never underestimate a man in a moustache. Just ask anyone in Brooklyn.

01:02:03 - You're a goddamn superhero, you! - X-Force!

01:02:07 X-Force!

01:02:18 - Peter. - I got you. You'll be fine.

01:02:21 You got this big guy. There we go, Peter!

01:02:24 - We're X-Force, right? - We're X-Force!

01:02:31 Oh, my God! What the fuck?

01:02:33 Fucking acidic vomit!

01:02:37 Oh, God.

01:02:43 Okay, I'm over the convoy. Where did the rest of the team land?

01:02:48 Good news and bad news.

01:02:50 The bad news is, the whole team is dead.

01:02:53 The good news is, I don't think anyone's gonna miss Shatterstar.

01:02:56 - He was a bit of a prick. But Paul! - Peter.

01:03:00 Peter. We'll miss him most.

01:03:02 But there is a slight chance Vanisher could make it.

01:03:05 - Nope. No chance. He's dead. - The whole team?

01:03:08 - Only the main ones, we're still good. - Fuck, you are dumb.

01:03:12 Even after all this time, I still can't talk about it. Who knew these winds would be so strong?

01:03:17 Everyone. Everyone on the helicopter. Everyone not on the helicopter.

01:03:29 They're headed into the tunnel.

01:03:33 I'm that kid's only hope. So sit tight and wait for my word.

01:03:37 - Whatever. We're gonna lose them. I'm dropping in. - That's a negative, sole survivor. Luck isn't a superpower.

01:03:44 - We are so fucked. - No. We are certainly not fucked.

01:03:51 Seriously, I don't get it.

01:03:54 What, you shoot luck lasers out of your eyes?

01:03:58 It's just hard to picture. It's certainly not very cinematic.

01:04:05 I mean, luck? What coked out,

01:04:08 - Fuck! - glass-pipe sucking, freakshow

01:04:10 comic book artist came up with that little chest turd?

01:04:12 Probably a guy who can't draw feet!

01:04:26 Once again, it all falls on my shoulders.

01:04:28 It's why I'm cursed to be a solo act.

01:04:31 - I'm in. - I'm sorry. What did you say?

01:04:33 - I'm in. - How in the fuck are you in already?

01:04:36 - Oh, shit. Cable, 12 o'clock! - Shit! New plan.

01:04:41 Use all of your imaginary powers to stop Cable from killing that kid.

01:04:45 I'm coming up on your six.

01:04:56 That is amazing!

01:05:08 - Where is he? I can't see him. - He's on top of you!

01:05:14 He's going in through the back! Oh, God, he's inside!

01:05:18 - You hear yourself, right? - Accidental double entendres!

01:05:21 - Russell. Russell Collins! - Hands off that kid, John Connor!

01:05:30 No, no, no, no!

01:05:35 Shit!

01:05:58 Two can play that game.

01:06:02 Got it! No, I don't.

01:06:04 - Showtime, momma! - Lady luck, take the wheel.

01:06:45 - I'd ask who you are but you'll be dead in seconds. - I'm Domino. And doubtful.

01:07:06 Hang in there, Dom! This is really hard.

01:07:22 You give me back my ski-ball token.

01:07:27 - You're doing great. - X-Force!

01:07:31 I guess dubstep never dies.

01:07:45 You killed Black Tom, you racist son of a bitch!

01:07:51 That's unfortunate.

01:07:55 - We got no brakes. - Figure it out.

01:08:02 There's nothing I can't kill.

01:08:07 Somebody knows... karate.

01:08:13 Give me your best shot, one-eyed Willy.

01:08:30 Oww.

01:08:32 Here we go.

01:08:34 - Domino, mind slowing us down? - Here goes nothing.

01:09:09 Knock, knock.

01:09:18 That's my boy.

01:09:25 Holy... !

01:09:37 I'll be first to admit. This did not go according to plan.

01:09:42 I'll also be the first to admit that that plan was written in crayon.

01:09:46 Looks like Russell found a new friend.

01:09:49 Turns out Domino's a bit of a badass. And maybe, possibly mildly lucky.

01:09:53 But Cable? Yeesh. That guy's in the mood.

01:09:57 A mood that is about to get significantly worse.

01:10:23 There's something that's terribly, terribly wrong.

01:10:32 Oh, God. That hurt.

01:10:43 Russell? Russell, where are you?

01:10:50 Russell.

01:10:51 Russell, you're okay. Oh, thank Go--- oh, my God!

01:10:56 Juggernaut!

01:10:59 I thought that was you. I shoulda worn my white pants.

01:11:03 You probably get this a lot, but I am a huge fan.

01:11:07 Uncanny X-Men, 103, 4411,

01:11:11 X-Men Unlimited 12, you know it's always

01:11:13 been a dream of mine to see my face reflected in your helmet as you charge at me with murderous intent.

01:11:18 I don't mean right now.

01:11:20 - I'm gonna rip you in half now. - That's such a Juggernaut thing to say.

01:11:28 Oh, my God!

01:11:30 Oh, God, I can't feel my legs.

01:11:35 Oh, well. They're right here. Got them.

01:11:38 Russell.

01:11:39 I have a mission.

01:11:41 To get my revenge.

01:11:43 - I'm going to burn that Headmaster alive. - You're not the revenge type.

01:11:47 - Take it from a friend. - Friend?

01:11:50 You were sick and I protected you. You said it yourself.

01:11:55 I'm not your friend.

01:11:57 Find someone stronger, so I did.

01:12:01 Russell, I couldn't protect you back then, but I can now. What do you want me to say, huh?

01:12:07 I care about you? 'Cause goddammit, I care about you, Russell.

01:12:11 What's Juggernaut got that I don't have? Don't you say "legs"!

01:12:15 - I know you're gonna say "legs"! - Legs!

01:12:18 Still hurts to hear out loud.

01:12:22 What is that? What is tha--- That's not a real rope.

01:12:25 You get back here, young man!

01:12:28 Doms...

01:12:30 Doms, get me out of here please.

01:12:32 Use my arms as backpack straps.

01:12:37 Think we may have found your cosmic reason for being here.

01:12:41 - Pretty sure this isn't it. - X-Force.

01:12:57 No child is hopeless.

01:12:59 - Don't give up on the boy. - How could he just

01:13:01 walk away? There was coldness in his eyes.

01:13:05 You should have heard it.

01:13:09 I guess family really is an F-word.

01:13:12 Rub my legs, mama?

01:13:15 Mama not rub your legs.

01:13:16 Please. It hurt. I have growing pains.

01:13:22 What in the?

01:13:24 Why is your hand so tiny, and your...

01:13:27 - That's not my hand. - Oh, Mary mother of Joseph!

01:13:31 - That was nice for me. - Wade!

01:13:34 Hey, I heard what happened with the convoy and... !

01:13:40 Why wouldn't you cover that up?

01:13:42 A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of.

01:13:45 Not if you do it. Look at you, you're just straight-shirt cocking it?

01:13:49 - Toddler-style? - Oh, yeah. Full Winnie The Pooh.

01:13:52 - What the hell's happening? Describe it. - I wouldn't ask him to do that if I were you.

01:13:56 - Here we go. - It's like he was giving birth anally

01:13:59 but they quit halfway through. They got the legs out

01:14:01 - and they said, "you know what? I'm done." - Happy?

01:14:03 It's like he's a muppet from the waist down but this time,

01:14:06 you can see the muppet's dick. God, he's got a cock the size of...

01:14:09 ... double-park. I got three written... What?

01:14:14 No. No. No. DP, not again.

01:14:16 This has happened before?

01:14:19 Jesus! Either vomit or don't. The decision is killing me.

01:14:22 Why couldn't God take my hearing.

01:14:27 - Wow. - Cool your pants. They're growing back.

01:14:29 I'm talking about your face.

01:14:31 I've never seen you without your mask before. Jesus Christ!

01:14:34 - Looks like an avocado. - Your legs, though. They're cute.

01:14:37 You wanna borrow a pair of pants?

01:14:41 I'm glad everybody dropped by. You must be wondering why I didn't call you here.

01:14:45 I'll tell you why I'm here. The time-traveler's wife's

01:14:49 husband beat me within an inch of my life. He was torturing me.

01:14:52 But all I told him was everything he wanted to know.

01:14:55 So, I'm here to help us gear up.

01:14:58 - So we can go after him without me. - No.

01:15:00 I'm doing this alone. The Juggernaut will kill you all.

01:15:04 - I'll just need a couple of hours to get some legs under me. - What will you do?

01:15:07 I don't care what the kid did to me. I won't let Cable get to him

01:15:10 - even if I have to teabag him to death. - It's really just a sip of tea at this point.

01:15:14 Zip it, Black-Black Widow. I'm flowing. The first order of business is to get me in front of Cable

01:15:17 so I can put all the fucking blood out of his body and fashion his bones into holiday jewelry.

01:15:22 Then, I'm gonna take his skin.

01:15:24 And stretch it out over our homemade mating drum.

01:15:28 He's standing right behind you, isn't he?

01:15:38 What in the ass.

01:15:41 Is this apartment listed on Tinder? Grindr?

01:15:43 You picked the wrong shithole to fuck, future boy.

01:15:47 Is that really necessary?

01:15:51 No. It's his Basic Instinct.

01:15:55 What can we help you with?

01:15:56 I'm here to proposition you.

01:16:01 - He's really teeing it up, is he? - He gets to make the first joke.

01:16:04 - I think we shot through him at the same time. - Good call.

01:16:06 For $45 you get sucky-suck...

01:16:08 - I only do over the pants. Mouths step... - Fuck!

01:16:10 The Proposition has a wonderful Guy Pearce performance.

01:16:13 Wait, wait, wait. I wanna do mine over.

01:16:15 Give us the line again?

01:16:16 I need your help!

01:16:17 Trust me, I'm even less happy about this than you are.

01:16:20 But you unleashed the Juggernaut, you dumb cunt!

01:16:23 I can't bring him down alone.

01:16:25 So here we are.

01:16:28 Well we're no longer accepting applications for X-Force, unfortunately.

01:16:32 Even if we were...

01:16:33 There's a wind advisory in effect...

01:16:35 We don't have a lot of time. Your friend's about to make his first kill.

01:16:38 No offense, but if you know so much,

01:16:39 why not travel back to when he was a baby and kill him then?

01:16:42 - Or better yet, head back a little further. Kill baby Hitler. - I use a device to slide through time.

01:16:47 The longer I travel, the harder it is to control.

01:16:49 I got two charges. One to get me here, one to get me home.

01:16:54 - That's just lazy writing. - Your boy's gonna kill the Headmaster in the orphanage tonight.

01:16:59 - After that, he gets a real taste for it. - Like 10-year old Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker.

01:17:04 So he keeps killing. And killing.

01:17:08 And killing.

01:17:09 Until one day he kills the wrong fucking people.

01:17:15 My people.

01:17:20 Relax.

01:17:21 I'm retrieving something from my utility bag.

01:17:24 It's a goddamn fanny pack and you know it, you sick son of a bitch.

01:17:29 The difference is night and day.

01:17:33 You remind me of my wife.

01:17:36 - I'm sorry? - I said, you remind me of my...

01:17:38 No, I'm sorry that you said that. While making heavy eye contact and applying lip balm.

01:17:42 She always joked.

01:17:44 And she was funny.

01:17:46 She filtered her pain. Replaced it with humor.

01:17:49 Something I could never master.

01:17:52 It was my fault she died.

01:17:56 It was my job to stop people like him.

01:18:00 I came close, a few times.

01:18:06 I wasn't too happy about that.

01:18:09 But he was trying to hurt me and he knew exactly how to do it.

01:18:17 Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand.

01:18:23 He came into my home...

01:18:25 And took the only thing that made it a home.

01:18:32 - Sound familiar? - I'm sorry.

01:18:37 No. I'm really sorry.

01:18:40 But that isn't Russell.

01:18:43 - It doesn't have to be him. - If you knew what I knew...

01:18:45 Yeah. He's got anger issues. Maybe a small learning disability. A splash of diabetes.

01:18:50 - But nothing that can't be fixed... - If you can go back...

01:18:53 And stop the people that took your girl, would you?

01:18:56 Of course, I fucking would.

01:18:58 - But I wouldn't kill a kid. - I'm not asking you to kill the kid.

01:19:01 I'll kill the kid.

01:19:03 I'm asking you to save hundreds of other kids.

01:19:06 Russell's gonna burn down that orphanage.

01:19:09 And I can imagine your dead girlfriend would've wanted you to do the right thing, wouldn't she?

01:19:14 So what's it gonna be, handsome?

01:19:17 - Give me a chance to save him. - What?

01:19:20 You said it. Once he kills someone, he gets a taste for it.

01:19:22 If we can get to him before that happens, promise you'll give me a chance,

01:19:27 - to put him on a different path. - Define "chance".

01:19:30 I don't know. How long does it take to save someone's soul?

01:19:32 - I give you 30 seconds. - That--- what? No.

01:19:35 Best I can do. Take it or leave it.

01:19:47 He's doing it. Look at the little fella.

01:19:50 He's doing it. Here it comes.

01:19:53 Jesus Christ.

01:19:54 Just shirt cockin'.

01:19:57 Here you go, little fella. Go on, you're doing it.

01:20:01 You beautiful, hairless, twizzler-legged baby boy.

01:20:07 Christ.

01:20:08 That's disturbing.

01:20:09 Thirty seconds.

01:20:16 - Deal. - Deal.

01:20:20 - I have no idea what's happening. - Probably for the best.

01:20:26 And that, is why you never eat a raw starfish.

01:20:29 It's just common sense.

01:20:32 Where the hell are we going?

01:20:33 You said it yourself. Nothing can stop the Juggernaut.

01:20:37 - We need backup. - I will bathe in the blood of your enemies.

01:20:45 Can you turn off the music?

01:20:47 You will do no such thing.

01:20:50 Why don't you just say it in an Indian accent?

01:20:52 - What the hell are you... - Once again, intolerance rears its ugly head.

01:20:55 I'm so sorry. It gets better.

01:20:57 I'm not a fucking racist, you moron.

01:20:59 Tell it to Black Tom. He was like a brother to me.

01:21:01 I'm with the old white guy on this one. Not such a waste.

01:21:05 So what exactly do you do in this future anyway, huh?

01:21:08 Some kind of soldier?

01:21:09 Yeah. Something like that.

01:21:11 I was a soldier. Special Forces.

01:21:13 - I bet 50 years from now, we're bestest buddies. - 50 years from now, you're very dead.

01:21:18 Your entire generation fucked this planet into a coma.

01:21:21 Boom!

01:21:22 Spoiler alert!

01:21:25 Planets.

01:21:26 Next time, Uber.

01:21:28 Here's a spoiler alert:

01:21:30 You're not a fucking hero.

01:21:32 You're just an annoying clown dressed up as a sex toy.

01:21:36 Well I got news for you. My heart's in the right place.

01:21:39 Russell's not gonna kill anyone.

01:21:40 Because of me, he's gonna know what real love looks like.

01:21:43 Because of you, I'll always know what a grown man with baby balls looks like.

01:21:46 I'm a grower. Not a shower.

01:21:49 - I should've finished college. - Right here!

01:22:09 I've made mistakes.

01:22:11 I wanna take it back. You trusted me,

01:22:15 I took that trust and turned it into a glory hole in an airport bathroom.

01:22:19 The one in Minneapolis.

01:22:21 You know the one.

01:22:23 Colossus?

01:22:24 I wouldn't ask for your help unless it was life or death.

01:22:27 That kid needs our help.

01:22:29 I know you're listening. He's teamed up with the Juggernaut.

01:22:32 The Juggernaut! That's like my favorite Marvel character ever

01:22:35 but you should never meet your heroes. Because honestly, he's a bit of a dick.

01:22:40 And like a lot of dicks, he's as hard as a rock

01:22:42 and causes nothing but problems!

01:22:44 - Hi, Wade! - Hi, Yukio.

01:22:46 You guys make a super cute couple. Yeah.

01:22:48 Where was I? Oh, yeah. Colossus, look...

01:22:51 I don't deserve your friendship, or your help.

01:22:54 But this kid does.

01:22:56 And I'm not gonna bail on him like everyone else.

01:23:00 Oh, come on.

01:23:07 Any chance Pigeon-wings is available? That's just fine.

01:23:11 That's fine. No, you know what?

01:23:14 Doing the right thing is sometimes messy and fucked up,

01:23:17 and not particularly convenient.

01:23:20 So stay here, in Chateau des Virgin,

01:23:23 while we go get our fuck on.

01:23:28 You're doing great.

01:23:35 So you wear that helmet because your brother tries to read your mind?

01:23:39 Yeah, but he's in a wheelchair, so even steven.

01:23:42 Someone's coming. It's Russell, sir.

01:23:45 And he's not alone.

01:23:47 Secure the children.

01:23:53 What do you say we go fuck some shit up?

01:23:56 "Let's fuck some shit up",

01:23:57 is my legal middle name.

01:24:03 Watch my back. I got the old man.

01:24:06 Amen, brother.

01:24:13 Time to get the chimichangas.

01:24:15 Thirty seconds.

01:24:17 I finally know why I'm here.

01:24:20 I was raised in this place.

01:24:22 But... not raised. I was tortured.

01:24:24 Wow. It's your cosmic reason for being here. Shall we?

01:24:28 This is gonna be fun!

01:24:30 Hey. Been meaning to ask you, what's with the,

01:24:32 creepy, dirty hobo-bear?

01:24:35 That's not dirt. That's the blood of my dead daughter.

01:24:41 I get gluten sensitivity.

01:24:43 One glass of wine would just.... Yeah.

01:24:50 Wish we could head back in time and take all that back.

01:24:53 We should just cue the music.

01:25:20 Welcome home, Russell.

01:25:22 We missed you.

01:25:24 Russell! You don't need to do this.

01:25:26 Let's talk.

01:25:28 Why are you dressed like the Unabomber?

01:25:34 - That's why. - This little fucker's too far gone.

01:25:36 Zip it, Thanos. We have a deal. You...

01:25:39 Hey!

01:25:40 I'm gonna shove that cab driver right up your ass.

01:25:45 My modelling hands are so soft.

01:25:47 - You should probably head back to the car. - I think I'll head back to the car.

01:25:51 It works best when you pull the trigger.

01:25:57 Your gun's amazing.

01:26:00 Say it!

01:26:03 You are an abomination!

01:26:13 Now I'm gonna shove the red guy up the old guy.

01:26:17 I believe him. Every man for themselves!

01:26:24 Gotcha!

01:26:29 You okay, big guy? The sun's getting real low.

01:26:32 Ah, shit-fucker.

01:26:48 Come on, beautiful.

01:26:51 Say it!

01:27:51 You came for me.

01:27:53 I'm not giving up on you and you're not giving up on that boy.

01:27:57 Who says that rules aren't meant to be broken?

01:27:59 It's time to fight dirty.

01:28:01 - Time to see the light, Johnny. - Hey!

01:28:03 - Pick on someone your own size. - That's such a you thing to say.

01:28:07 Go get 'em, tiger!

01:28:09 Big CGI fight coming up.

01:28:34 - He's doing great. - Say it!

01:28:41 - Russell. - Bingo!

01:28:58 Great.

01:28:59 Bunch of armed pedophiles in nursing shoes.

01:29:02 - Can I have one of those guns? - No.

01:29:05 That's fine.

01:29:08 Just gonna use this brick. Maximum effort.

01:29:17 Who says you can't go home again?

01:29:39 Say it.

01:29:41 Say what you say everytime you torture me.

01:29:44 Say it!

01:29:45 Blessed are the wicked who are healed! By my hand!

01:29:50 Blessed are the wicked, who are healed by my hand.

01:30:13 Carny motherfucker!

01:30:42 Oh my God. Did you feel that, too?

01:30:45 Only best buddies execute pedophiles together.

01:30:50 - You got 30 seconds, you butt-plug. - Now you're getting it!

01:30:58 I need a bus to get you all out of here.

01:31:05 Orphans...

01:31:07 Oh, geez.

01:31:10 It's time...

01:31:12 - To burn for what you've done! - A child should not be burdened with such power.

01:31:24 Russell! Wait!

01:31:40 - Wait! He hasn't killed anyone yet. - What more do you need to see?

01:31:43 Don't you fucking dare! He's just a kid.

01:31:45 Tick-tock. He is one.

01:32:00 I'm gonna melt you down and make a cock ring.

01:32:23 - I told you! Leave me alone! - Come on.

01:32:26 Listen to me.

01:32:51 That's how we do it in Mother Russia.

01:32:56 They say millenials are the hardest to reach.

01:33:04 Damn, it feels good to be a gangstah.

01:33:08 Go home, Wade. You're ruining everything.

01:33:17 - I'm getting good at this shit. - Go, go, go, go, go!

01:33:23 He dies tonight, Wade. You can't stop me.

01:33:27 He even runs like a fucking pervert.

01:33:29 Like an online predator who lost his laptop.

01:33:33 I have one bullet left in that gun.

01:33:35 Wait, wait, wait. Please just give me a second. I got this.

01:33:38 Stay back! Go home, Wade.

01:33:41 Let's talk! There's nothing going his way.

01:33:43 That piece of shit...

01:33:45 He deserves to die for what he did to you. He hurt you.

01:33:48 Badly.

01:33:49 Makes you wanna hurt others.

01:33:51 But if you kill him, he wins.

01:33:53 You become everything he says you are,

01:33:55 but worse.

01:33:57 You're just a kid.

01:33:59 You don't wanna hurt anyone.

01:34:01 - How do you know what I want? - Because I've been inside you.

01:34:04 That came out wrong. I've been inside your shoes.

01:34:08 Which, is also off-putting. It's not a good analogy.

01:34:11 The point is...

01:34:13 There are people.

01:34:15 There are people in this fucking world besides him,

01:34:19 who will treat you right. It isn't too late. Don't do it.

01:34:28 I never should've left you there.

01:34:33 I never should have left you there.

01:34:42 I can't trust you.

01:34:45 I can't trust anybody!

01:34:56 - Wonderful, kid. - You can't stop me, Wade!

01:35:02 I got one more idea.

01:35:04 - It's just a really bad one, even for me. - Wade, what are you doing?

01:35:08 Alright, this is for all the marbles, kid.

01:35:11 You gonna trust someone tonight?

01:35:13 - Blessed are the wicked... - Then it's gotta be me.

01:35:18 Who are healed by my hand!

01:36:26 Tell me, they got that in slow-motion.

01:36:33 That's not good.

01:36:37 No, sir.

01:36:46 - You sacrificed yourself, for me? - Yeah.

01:36:50 And it was the best thing I ever did.

01:36:54 I told you I care about you.

01:36:57 You're a good kid, Russell.

01:37:00 Hey.

01:37:02 The bear. It worked.

01:37:12 Because of you.

01:37:14 No, Wade. Because of you.

01:37:17 Stop. Stop! Stop. Stop.

01:37:20 Just... Just let it happen.

01:37:23 Okay? I guess...

01:37:25 I guess my heart was finally in the right place.

01:37:28 That riddle is so fucked up.

01:37:35 I'm sorry.

01:37:37 - I'm so sorry. - Don't be.

01:37:39 Don't be. I've been trying to make this happen for a while.

01:37:41 Yeah. Please, just, don't leave. I don't wanna die without an audience.

01:37:45 - We are not going anywhere. - Oh, God.

01:37:47 The Academy is watching.

01:37:51 Papa?

01:37:55 Papa can you hear me?

01:37:59 Papa can you find me?

01:38:26 Before I go, sorry...

01:38:29 I got a bit more in me. Domino...

01:38:32 I want you, to have my Adventure Time watch.

01:38:38 Sounds like that I'm the lucky one.

01:38:43 Thank you.

01:38:45 Hey, Sabrina the teenage witch...

01:38:48 It has been a pleasure.

01:38:52 - Hi, Yukio. - Hi, Wade!

01:38:55 Yeah... And you! Chrome-bone.

01:39:00 I haven't always been the best friend to you, but you've always been that to me.

01:39:06 So thank you.

01:39:09 Say 'fuck' for me.

01:39:12 Just once. Come on. We'll do it together. It's no big deal. Here we go. 1, 2, 3...

01:39:18 - Fuck. - Wow. Enjoy hell.

01:39:21 Swamp-mouth. And you. Cable.

01:39:27 You get back to your family. You tell them Wade says 'hi'.

01:39:31 And promise me. Promise me one thing...

01:39:35 That you'll start judging people not by the color of their skin

01:39:38 but by the content of their character.

01:39:41 Jesus.

01:39:44 Hey.

01:39:46 You're a superhero now, bubba.

01:39:49 Look...

01:39:50 Family,

01:39:52 is not an F-word, all right?

01:39:57 Just keep looking, okay?

01:40:02 Guys? For a second there...

01:40:06 We would've made a pretty good team.

01:40:23 Oh, it's so hard to go!

01:40:26 I just love being with all you guys so much.

01:40:30 So, so much.

01:40:33 Oh, I can feel it now. Here it comes. Yeah.

01:40:36 Feel the soul, exiting the husk...

01:40:43 Can you see it?

01:40:45 Do you see that beautiful bright light?

01:40:49 There it is.

01:40:56 No, that's the sun. Don't stare directly into that.

01:40:59 I'd just like a few final words...

01:41:03 Woodpecker.

01:41:05 Gingivitis.

01:41:09 Codswallop.

01:41:14 Do you wanna build a snowman?

01:42:32 Sorry I'm late. There was a bunch of...

01:42:35 Handicappable children stuck in a tree. No.

01:42:39 - But I did have to help a kid. - Yeah.

01:42:42 - He's got a terrible name. - Just awful.

01:42:45 I tried to tell him.

01:42:48 Is this heaven?

01:42:50 It is now.

01:42:55 I'm so sorry.

01:42:57 It's okay.

01:43:19 I missed you so much.

01:43:26 What is it? What's wrong?

01:43:29 It's not time.

01:43:32 What do you mean, it's not time?

01:43:34 I'm here. I made it.

01:43:36 - You can't stay. - No, no, no. I'm staying.

01:43:38 I'm not going anywhere without you.

01:43:40 It's okay.

01:43:42 There's a time for us. It's just not now.

01:43:45 - They need you. - Who?

01:43:50 Your F-word.

01:43:52 - Why? - You'll find out.

01:43:57 It's all right. I'll be here.

01:43:59 I love you.

01:44:03 I know.

01:44:05 I love you, too. Now, go.

01:44:09 Go on. Go, get out of here.

01:44:12 Go.

01:44:16 Hey.

01:44:20 Kiss me like you miss me, Red.

01:44:23 Well, come here.

01:44:43 Don't fuck Elvis.

01:44:45 Don't fuck Colossus.

01:44:46 What?

01:44:56 Time to make the chimichangas.

01:44:58 Thirty seconds.

01:44:58 Hey, been meaning to ask you. What's with the...

01:45:01 Creepy, dirty hobo-bear?

01:45:02 That's my daughter's Teddy bear.

01:45:04 - Her name's Hope. - Oh.

01:45:08 What are you doing? Somebody swiped right.

01:45:24 Tell me they got that in slow-motion.

01:45:30 - You sacrificed yourself for me? - Hey, what's here? I...

01:45:36 Huh.

01:45:38 Genuine high-grade lead.

01:45:42 You time-sliding son of a bitch.

01:45:45 You did this for me?

01:45:48 Wait...

01:45:50 You can't go back.

01:45:52 You used the last of your fuel. What about your girl and wife?

01:45:54 No, my family's safe.

01:45:56 And I didn't do it for you.

01:45:59 Now I'm gonna stick around for a while.

01:46:02 Make sure the world doesn't shit itself into oblivion.

01:46:06 - Aww. You did it for me. - No, I didn't.

01:46:11 - You did. - I didn't.

01:46:12 - Pretty sure you did. - No, I'm positive I didn't.

01:46:14 Fine. Alright. Let's flip a coin, okay?

01:46:16 Heads, did it for me, tails, you did it for me.

01:46:19 I'm not even gonna look because you did it for me.

01:46:22 - Say it again. - You did it for me.

01:46:23 - Jesus. - We must get the collar off.

01:46:25 Forget it. It's no use. These collars don't just come off.

01:46:28 Wade... I have an idea.

01:46:32 Oh, no, no, no, no. Let's not do that, please.

01:46:34 I'd rather die of cancer. That's just... Oh, God.

01:46:37 They do say, the pen is grosser than the sword.

01:46:41 - We need the code. - Try, uhh...

01:46:43 - Seven? - Settle down, Captain Lucky.

01:46:46 It's not gonna be one number. God, that's lazy writing.

01:46:49 Still got it.

01:46:53 Put that back in your prison wallet.

01:46:57 I don't know how to thank you, but I do know how to hug you.

01:47:01 - No. - Yes. Here we go.

01:47:03 Bring it in. Come on. Pelvis to pelvis.

01:47:07 Let's go tip-to-tip. There we go. The kids call this "docking".

01:47:12 - Is there a knife in my dick? - There's a knife in your dick. Yeah.

01:47:15 Just get back up a little. Already did a full Yentl.

01:47:18 Pretend like that never happened.

01:47:20 Let's go home, Russell.

01:47:26 All you dirty mutants are gonna rot in hell with the boy.

01:47:30 Your souls are beyond redemption.

01:47:33 - Let's see your soul, perv! - No! No, no more.

01:47:37 We're better than that. We're better than him.

01:47:39 No more senseless violence, no more bloodshed.

01:47:42 - We'll let karma take care of him. - The day of reckoning,

01:47:45 is here!

01:47:56 I'm gonna miss him. He seemed great.

01:47:58 Woo! There it is, motherfuckers!

01:48:01 I think I'm a motherfucker.

01:48:02 I can hear you counting the last 30 seconds like a monkey, it was... !

01:48:06 I want some more.

01:48:07 I bet you do, Brown Panther.

01:48:09 We should leave before Fuckernaut wakes up.

01:48:13 Good call. You guys coming with us?

01:48:15 No. We'll get the kids back to the mansion.

01:48:17 - Besides, we're X-Men. - No.

01:48:20 - You're X-People. - You're X-hausting.

01:48:23 I see what you did there. Puns.

01:48:26 - Bye, Wade! - Bye, Yukio.

01:48:30 What do you get when you take 8 feet of chrome,

01:48:33 one pinch of courage, a cup of good luck,

01:48:35 a dab of racism, a splash of diabetes,

01:48:38 and a wheelbarrow full of stage-four cancer?

01:48:41 Answer: a family.

01:48:43 See? I didn't lie on what kind of film this was.

01:48:47 If there's anything you take away today,

01:48:48 other than the need to google, "what the fuck is dubstep",

01:48:51 it's that we all need to belong to someone.

01:48:57 subbed by: iamdepressed