呼

It’s hard to write these down. I’m facing enormous pressure when trying to write it down. It will going to unravel my most inner secret part to you, which makes me feel dangerous and unsafe. Maybe writing in English is a method to alleviate this unease feeling. So…… Our story begins.

I don’t love anybody, include myself. If you ask me to tell you who is my dearest intimate for now. It will be a hard question for me. Basically, anyone who recently showed kindness to me will be considered an intimate by me, and for those close friends I know for many years and didn’t give me such attention and kindness recently, I will felt quite distanced with them. There is a Chinese idiom “有奶便是娘.” can accurately describe my situation.

I’m a love sucker, I used to draining care from others when I felt emptiness or dreadful. But I never put enough effort to develop my own love ability. Every time I opened up my inner world like this, I felt great unease and want to run away to hide in some place, I can’t tell what will happened except a feeling of danger. I felt ashamed of myself, I’m a worthless person. Maybe this nearly unbearable bad feeling is the reason for closing my inner emotion world to others.

Before I took a group therapy(based on CBT) about ADHD for three month. After the whole session ends, everyone wrote their impressions about others on a note as a gift to each other. The note that the assistant of the doctor wrote to me is:”You are clever, you’ve showed us multiple facets of you, but I felt I don’t really know you.”  Combining this note with my experiences  in this group, I found myself using a very deceitful way to hide my feelings, I did lots of self-exposure, it seems I was candor, honest and brave. But actually, I did not really open up my emotion tunnels to you. I was like in a sealed box, receiving information and emotions from you, output my responses under the influence of my build rules, but I barely walked out of that  box, get rid of my rules, to communicate with you with my inner emotional personality.

And today, I tried to take off all my armors, and I felt powerless and worthless. That’s my true feelings for know. Hope it won’t always like this.

That’s all I want to say, my friend.