Hello everyone, this is Helen Huang @ Organizing, based in Beijing, China. In order to better learn and practice the YiXiaoNeng Time Management System, after finished publishing 100 Chinese articles, I decided to continue writing and publishing a daily English article in another 100 days based on the "YeWuBin Time Management 100 Episodes" audio program. Today is the 194th day.
Today's topic is: The More You Resist It the Longer It Will Remain
Today, we will continue to talk about emotion management. Emotion management is very important.
After initially talking about this subject, I received numerous questions from my students and listeners. The question was always about the same thing: "How do you control your emotions?" I have one simple suggestion: "Slow down."
Before I get into that, I want to answer a few questions: "What is emotion?" "Where does it come from?" I am not a psychologist but the information I am about to share comes from my own experiences over the years. I owe many thanks to my teachers and classmates for providing their insight and expertise in this subject.
As I mentioned in the last lecture: we are unable to control 10% of our lives, bu twe can control the remaining 90%. This 90% is mostly our reaction to those initial events. So knowing how to control your response to these events requires training and habit forming.
First, I want to talk about the reaction itself. 90% of our reaction is automatic, so you can't control it physiologically. It's instinctual and driven by forces nearly beyond our control. You should know how this physiological response works.
Remember: when reacting to an event, if we rely on instinct rather than a trained and controlled response, then 90% of the time we will act in a hostile or defensive matter. You will generally resist whatever action took place.
So why does our body instinctively act like this? The body's automatic response to these events comes from your beliefs and thoughts. If you respond according to your body's instinctual response to resist, it will be a negative response. You'll respond with complaints, accusations, judgment, pride, I'm right and you're wrong, criticisms, and so on. It's based on a belief system that says "I am right and you are wrong." When something negative happens to us, our equilibrium and mental balance is disturbed. The right wrong mentality allows us to artificially restore the balance from the brain's perspective.
But while that balance may be temporarily restored, what are the consequences? First, the more you resist something, the longer it will remain. I'll say that again – the more you resist what happens to you, the longer it will continue to affect you. Your initial response is instinctual and often damaging, producing a chain reaction, and subsequently you will use 90% of your energy to resist the resulting actions.
Instead of resisting, if we change our response to accepting what happened, this chain reaction is abruptly ended. By refusing to accept what happened and instead resisting it, we will feel uncomfortable and eventually angry and that anger will lead to physical confrontation with people. This chain reaction has been proven time after time after time.
Second, and this is key. The people who will respond, will be those who feel uncomfortable. Think about it – if a group of people are affected by an action, and 50% of them will accept what happened without letting it alter their emotional stability, and the other 50% will let their emotions and instincts control their own reaction, which do you think will continue to fight? That's right, soon only those with negative reactions will be responding to that initial event and it may escalate to physical confrontation.
Of course, confrontation is not a solution and should be avoided as much as possible. So, if not by reaction and confrontation, how do we solve this problem? That's a good question, but we'll get to that a little later.
Third, the core of solving the problem is knowing that our actions are the root of all relation reactions. How we decided to respond is the key. If you can't accept this kind of thinking, you will continue to resist and be a slave to your automated response. Only when you understand that you are the root cause of 90% of what happens in life, can you solve the problem.
Seek first to understand, and then to be understood. This philosophy comes from the book 7 Habits of People Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. Also from that book is an idea that we need to change how we view problems. We need to be open to solutions instead of resistance and defensiveness. First seek to understand and then to seek a win-win mentality. In other words, how can both you and the person you're speaking to conclude the arrangement with a feeling of success?
I will discuss this further in the next lesson. Today, though, I would like to ask you to do an exercise. Write a daily diary in the morning about what you resist! If you're listening to this course for the first time, you may not know what a morning diary is. In the morning diary, you can write down your thoughts and reflections. I talked about this in. I first talked about this topic in lesson 3. If you haven't already, go listen to it now.
So what should you write about? Think first and answer the question: "What am I resisting?" Make a list of what you resist in your life. Some people resist endless chatter, some people resist ugly things, the others may resist inefficiency. Please write down what you resist and study it and reference it as we proceed through the next few lessons.
That's all sharing today. Thank you being with me together. Have a wonderful day!
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