这是星期天的第137篇（317082）
一.答疑
Today we are starting our last topic for this serious，which is reclaiming independent。欢迎大家来到今天的课堂，我们今天就会接触到我们最后的一个主题，就是相互依存。
1.问：当我们更需要连接的时候，要如何更深的跟它在一起，目前我是看着它念，还有什么其他方法吗？And before we go to that，I would like to respond to some of the questions that came up from alaska。 And we will start with a question from Lily。
答：Did you read the question？So I think it is quality of spirit that are seeking embodiment and full expression，motivating every breath and choice of words or action。Freedom，love，truth，contribution flash service are a manifestation of the divine within us。They are in constant flow and movement within each of them come to focus at different times。我看待需要他们像是自己有生命的一些精灵，在尝试寻找适合他去活出这份价值，充分表达他的一个宿主。而他会鼓动、鼓励我们驱动我们的每一个呼吸的每一个选择以及行动。那像是自由、爱、真实、贡献以及服务，这些都是一些很重要的需要尝试活出了我们内在的神圣。那么经常在我们的内心是很长的流动的，跟生命我的流动接轨，而他们会在不同的时刻来到我们的面前，需要我们的关注。
What I by focus，for example，when I'm hungry，my need for nourishment will become the focus of my attention。And after I have a meal，it's no longer at present。Also different needs，maybe it focus on different stages in life。And there are so many needs。It's not an infinite list。Over time we can get familiar with the flavor of each of their unique quality in our bodies and health。Connecting with my need is not an intellectual activity。So thank my needs out loud。Doesn't necessarily mean that I'm connected。Needs don't live in the mind。It requires me to get in touch with my body and heart，become present to the life within because we tend to live in our heads and disconnect from our bodies。It may take time and much practice to reclaim this in a connection。
我说要关注这个需要的意思是什么？
比如说我很饿，我的需要可能拿到一些营养，补充一些营养跟食物，这个时候营养就成了我要专注在他身上的一个需要。可是一旦我吃完饭了以后，这个需要就不再是需要我们去回应他了。在我们人生的不同阶段，我们也有可能会专注在不同的特定的需要上，而我们有这么多的需要，其实他也不是一个无现场的列表，当时间久了，我们就会熟悉每一个需要它独特的口味，它在我们的身体以及内心是怎么样的。跟我的需要联系不是一个知性的东西，我大声的把我的需要说出来，不等于我就活出了我的需要回应了他，需要不是活在我们脑袋里。而要连接我们的需要、联系到我们的身心，与我们内在的真实同在。因为我们很习惯活在我们的脑袋里，跟我们的身体断连，所以可能我们需要一些练习才能重拾这份内在的连接。
It's a process。To begin with it may be easier to enter this connection using our thoughts。Each thought it's a cold Information about our needs and longing。I can use the four steps of transforming judgment into needs practice who land in my heart。Once I identify my need，I connect with its quality by dwelling in its beauty。Flash life energy。这会是一个重拾我们连接的过程。我们最开始可以用我们的想法去充实我们跟自己有联系，每一个想法就好像带着一些加密的资料，是关于我们的需要跟我们的渴望，我可以用转化评判的那4个步骤去练习回到我的内心。你在我跟我的需要连接，而能够与它的美，它的能量生命能量同在的话，我就跟他连接了。
For example，if my name is for self connection，I can use my imagination to delve deeper into how it's like to experience connection with self。Sometimes different words may come up grounding。Present secure peer and power。 I get a distinct flavor of it in my body。Sometimes certain images may come up or chorus。I can also try to call on an experience from the past when I was self connected to help me drop into it more until I can access the sensations in my body and the feelings that are arising when this need is present。At this point my brain register the experience and whether the need is met or not is not that important。This is when the connection is fully made。I'm in touch with the pure essence of it。I am it。
比如说如果我的需要是，想要有自我连接的话，我可以用我的想象力去更深的联系到，如果我真的有一个经验是跟自己连接会是怎么样的呢？有些时候会有一些不同的字眼跳出来，比如安全、力量。而我会在我的身体里感受到这些不同字眼的独特味道。有些时候可能就不是字，而是一些画面或是甚至是颜色，它就是会浮现。我也可以回溯一些过往的经验，当然我真的是跟自己深入的自我连接的话，这或许也会帮我们更深入的感受到，当我们跟这个需要连接的时候，他满足的时候，我的身心感觉我的感受是怎么样。
来到这一步的时候，我的脑袋就已经充分理解以及经验了，这个经验无论我们的需要有没有真正的得到满足，因为这时候跟我的需要是充分的联系了，我接触到了需要的核心，我就成为了这个需要。
One last piece is that sometimes there are also layers of needs and it's helpful to ask myself，if I had self connection，what would that give me？May discover that my underlying need is self trust。This is how we can deepen connection with and get in touch with all the layers。
最后一个补充，有些时候我们可能会有很多层的需要，所以能够帮助我们的时候是可能可以问自己，如果我有自我连接，这又会为我带来什么呢？我有可能就会发现我更深层的一些需要，可能是相信自己、信任自己，这就是我可以更深度的与自己联系，以及发现不同层次的需要的方法。
So I'm curious to hear from Lily，is this what helpful？想听听丽丽。这样有回应到你的问题吗？
谢谢aya老师的解答。
2.问：经过这段时间的学习，我尝试尊重儿子的选择，当我和自由连接时，我有很多无力感和绝望感，我的需要是信任。可是信任的能量还是很难连接。关于信任能量怎么连接，能更好的做到，希望得到老师的一些清晰和支持。
答：So I love the question。And the short answer is that nbc assumes trust。And the trust is that everything people are doing or saying is an attempt to meet one or more of the human needs no different than my own。我超爱这个问题。那么非暴力沟通其实就假设了一份信任，会信任所有人做会说的任何事情都是一个尝试回应身为人的需要的努力尝试，而他们的那些需要跟我的是没有差异的。
This trust is and fate are in the humanity of all people。 My son is a human being。I assume that whatever he is doing or saying is an attempt to meet a need no different than my own。This assumption of innocence helps me to reclaim trust in his intention。When I lose trust，even if the strategy is using to meet his needs are very costly for me。I'm not required to trust his strategies or to agree with them only to trust whatever the strategy is。There is a beautiful longing behind it along in that we share。那么这是基于对所有人的人性的信任以及信仰。因为我的儿子是一个人，所以我能够假设他做过所有的任何事情都是为了回应需要，这和我并没有什么不同。当我对对方失去信任的时候，对于其他人的假设，其他人的纯真的假设，会帮助我重拾对于意图的一个信任。尽管他用的策略回应他的需要，对我来说要付出很大代价，而我不需要去信任他的策略或是同意他的策略，我只需要信任，无论他的策略是什么，在那背后都有一个美丽的渴望。我们都有共有的一个渴望。
When other people's choices of words and actions impact us deeply，we may struggle to stay connected to the humanity even if it's our children。You think if they truly care about us，they would not say this or do that。Our heart contract and close in protection。当其他人说的话或做的事，深刻的影响到了我们，我们可能就很难、很挣扎能够连接到对方的人性。我们可能会想，如果他们真的在乎我们，他们不会说、不会做这些事情。为了保护我们自己，我们的心会收缩、关上。
we separate and sometimes develop an enemy image，which means that we don't trust the other person's intention。We may need empathy and understanding for our heart and pain before we can focus on reclaiming the other person in a sense，depending on the level of impact or trauma。那么我们此时可能会选择跟对方疏离，甚至建立一个敌人的形象，而这意味着我们不相信对方的意图了。我们这时候可能需要一些同理聆听，以及让我们受伤的经验以及痛苦得到理解。在我们能够重拾对方的纯真之前，我们自己首先需要得到聆听，而这一过程的难易程度受到过去我们的经历或者是创伤的影响。
When we are triggered into our trauma zone，we are not present anymore and it doesn't make sense to focus on the other persons in a sense。We first need to get support for ourselves and do the healing work to recover and come back to the present moment。But I'm recovered and ready to stretch again。I reclaim trust by emphatically connecting with the needs behind the other person's choice。When I'm able to make sense of the choice，then there is a huge relief。I can trust the humanity again。Empathy for myself is healing，empathy for the other is liberating。当我们受到刺激进入了我们创伤区域时，我们就不临在了，没有专注对方的感受和需要。所以首先在这个状态里，我们先需要给自己一些支持，做一些疗愈的工作回到当下。当我疗愈了、准备好了去伸展自己，我就重拾了信任，能够同理聆听连接到对方的需要，对方选择背后的需要。当我能够理解他们的选择的时候，我们就能够重新信任他们的人性。所以自我聆听，会为我们自己带来疗愈，也会为对方带来解放。
谢谢aya。你的回应特别触动我的一句话，是说到当我有创伤的时候，实际上那时我和自己是断连l了。那时我需要去照顾自己的，需要和自己连接，并可以去寻找一些支持或帮助。此时，实际上我也走在了同理对方的路上。我发现在跟儿子交流，他封闭自己的时候，可能他需要安全感或者空间。那时我特别焦虑和着急。实际上这与我自己的创伤有关，但是那个时候我还要努力去同理他，其实是做不到的。所以这个回复太好了，就是我内在得到了支持，感觉很踏实。现在有一种接纳的感觉，满足了接纳。
Thank you。I also there's a sentence as really touching for me when you said that when we have trauma，we tend to disconnect with ourselves。 The first thing we need is to do self care and self connection and receive support and help from others。This way we're on the pathway of emphasizing with the other person。谢谢云平你的回应，然后也谢谢大家给我的提问，我觉得是一件很丰富的事情，能够接受到大家的问题，而且我会努力去回应他们。
3.问：课堂上有学生在我讲课的时候私下聊天，有时候是针对我讲的内容发表一些个人意见，有时候是接嘴，有时候是私聊一些没有关系的话题，我会阻止他们的行为。我的问题是，我要怎么用非暴力沟通的方式跟他们建立连接呢？
答：So first I want to acknowledge that applying n BC in the world as it is has limited results because the systems like schools are not based on n v c approach in principles。In the classroom，The teacher is the authority figure and have power to affect negative consequences。Good student，They don't really have a choice。 In schools as they are right now，many of the students needs are not included because they have to go to school and sit at the classroom and focus on whatever was decided for them to focus on whether it's engaging or not，whether it's meaningful or not，whether they like it or not。This system sets up the dynamic of rebellion and submission on the students part and set up the teachers to have to use coercion and the main strategy to get the students do as they want。首先我想要先肯定的是，当前要应用非暴力沟通是有它的限制的。因为一些制度，像学校，他不是基于非暴力沟通的方式或原则去建立的。 在教室里，如果你是权威，你有权利可以为孩子、为学生带来一些负面的后果，学生其实真并不真的有选择。在当前学校制度里，学生的需要很多时候是没有包括在内的，而孩子不得不去上课，不得不坐在教室里，然后专注在一些别人为他们决定他们需要学习的东西上，无论对他们来说是不是有趣的，无论他对他们来说是不是有意义的，甚至他们喜不喜欢。这建立起一个互动的状态，就是学生就是进入了一个不是反抗、就要服从，而老师就被迫要使用一些强硬的手法让孩子做他们想要他们做的事情。
I like to invite us all to take a moment to take this in and acknowledge that this is not the fault of any individual person because we are all born into the existing structure。A little scream，all the losses。Within this reality we can create islands of liberation for ourselves and our students。It's not going to be perfect and it is going to make a difference。What can you do is to prioritize connection with the students by guessing the feelings and needs behind their choices，expressing your feelings and needs and come to share the agreement。邀请大家利用这个时刻去肯定以及看见，这不是一个个人的问题，而是因为我们所有人都生于现有的制度里。让我们为所有人的损失去哀悼。那么在现实里，我们还是可以创造一些自由的岛屿，为我们自己、更为我们的孩子，而就算不是一个很完美的，它还是会带来一些不同。你可以做的是优先与学生连接，去猜想他们的感受，以及他们选择背后的需要，然后同时去表达你的感受与需要，然后跟他们做一个双方都同意的协议。
For example，you can say I imagine that there is something really alive for you right now that is leading you to talk with each other。I'm curious to hear what it is and see if we can find a way to address it will also supporting focus on the purpose of this class。The Challenge is that your students may not trust your truly wanting to include their needs and may hear it as you telling them that they are doing something wrong and better comply or else。So you need to be trust with them over many interactions to compensate for the power difference。比如你可以这样说：我想对你来说一定有一些东西，对你很重要，所以你想要跟其他人说话，我很好奇知道那是什么。然后看有没有方法我们可以回应他，同时支持其他人，支持我们这一堂课的目的。这样做的挑战是学生不一定会相信你真的会想要照顾他们的需要，甚至可能把你的话听成是如果他们不按照你的方式做的话，他们就会面对后果。所以你需要的是跟他们建立信任，再重复在互动里补偿你们之间的权利差异。
Because it's hard to ship the power dynamic in one single interaction without shifting the culture。The bigger question is，how can you create a collaborative environment in the classroom where the students come to trust you truly open to sharing your power with them？没有一个文化的意识的转变，我们很难在与对方的一次互动里就改变我们之间的权利的关系。所以更大的问题是，在教室，我们怎样去创造一个协作的环境，在这环境里，学生是可以充分的相信你，真的要跟他们共享权力。
One less is that it's better to own our intention than to use nvc in a way that doesn't align with our intention。If I'm not open to dialogue and if I'm making a demand another request，it supports more trust。If I own it，as teachers as parents do，it's important that we are transparent about it。
最后，对自己更好的做法是为我们自己的意图负责，而不是把非暴力沟通简单的当做一个工具，去做一些与我们意图不相符的事。比如，如果我没有敞开对话，如果我在提要求而非请求, 那需要更多的信任自己才有用。假如我对自己的意图负责，正如老师和家长，那么我们让这些意图透明非常重要。
非常感谢aya.这周我提的问题是关于我和学生的，我有一个好消息要告诉您，我已经尝试了一些做法，体会到了一些学生的需求和我自己的需求，我在课堂上迅速的捕捉孩子们的需求，回应他们，然后我已经得到了很好的回报.孩子们在下课以后，低年级的孩子会拉着我的手拼命亲，高年级的孩子会很热情的跟我打招呼，跟我说的话也越来越多.我认为这都是非常好的现象，我会按照您的提示和做法再继续精进我的行为，非常感谢。
Yeah， I I congratulate you and I I want to say the basic secret work because by creating this ship in the culture，you are supporting social change。These kids we have a different experience and they will become different adults。我也想要为你庆祝一下。非常高兴，而且我觉得你在做一个非常神圣的工作。你在改变的是一种文化，文化改变了以后可以带来一个更好的社会的改变。因为这些孩子就会带着不一样的经验成为不一样的大人。
谢谢aya.其实我感到是孩子们回馈我很多的生命力量，他们如此信任我，我其实是被他们感动，而且当我看到我回应他们的需求，他们是那么错愕的时候，其实我非常心疼这些孩子，我已经尝试着跟其中的一个孩子的家长，昨天我们刚刚进行了很长时间的沟通，他的父母在沟通的过程当中，也获得了很多的滋养，我们也彼此互相进行了非常有利的支持，然后愿意为他的孩子做出更多的努力，在行为上有更大的去转变，所以我为这些孩子和家长也深深的感动。
二、分组分享
好，现在想为大家分到两人的小组，同样的我们用30秒的时间先跟自己连接，看看我们听完这么一大段的一些内容以后，我们现在感觉怎么样，然后跟对方分享，接受对方的回馈，然后就换到下一个人，我们的课堂已经来到倒数第二堂了，希望大家可以真的去练习，怎么样带有意图地去做我们的分享以及聆听，能够增进了彼此的连接。
三、重拾相互依存
我们现在就会进入我们今天的主题，重拾相互依存，这题目对我来说是一个非常触动我内心的非常亲密的一个题目，他对我来说是一个革命，是非暴力沟通把我带到一个相互依存的生活的方式，而他真的影响到我生命的品质。
So it dies back to the idea of one nice if you remember that we started with and love your neighbor as they self and the idea that we all share the same feelings，I need the same heart，the same soul。 So when we make choices we impact each other。 When we are not well，it's going to have an impact on other people's wellbeing。And when other people are not getting the needs met，it's also going to impact us。我们先前提过的合一的状态，比如说爱邻如己，比如说我们跟其他人共享着同样的感受，需要、甚至是灵魂，所以说我们做的任何选择都会影响到其他人。我们的状态好不好，也会影响到其他人的安康。而其他人的需要有没有得到满足，反过来也会影响到我们。
It's very easy to verify in this pandemic times the truth of it。But even without it when you look at nature，you can see that there is a an organic flow of resources towards me that flow of giving and receiving。But marshall was talking about and it applies also to the human realm。We have needs and we have resources on the needs。And we are responsible to open to receiving and on the resources and we are responsible to open to giving。在疫情期间，我们很容易就能够证实我刚才说的我们相互依存的状态。自然界其实也有很多例子说明了我们是有机流动的。资源它会有机地流动到需要的那一处，这就是马歇尔说的给予跟接收的循环。在我们人类社会里，我们有需要，我们有资源，而我们的责任就是去打开我们自己去接收这些资源，然后一起去给予。
so today we gonna focus on the the opening to receiving。And I I think it's an area of winning again because when we come to this world，we are fully dependent on receiving and we have this trust that resources will flow to us。Just because we have needs，we don't have to do anything special to earn that。And no soon after we discover that we get messages that it's not okay to have needs。That it's selfish。But only the burden。 We start feeling shame。How about our needs and about asking？所以我们今天会专注在怎样打开我们自己去接收资源。而这又关系到了我们受伤的一些经验。当我们来到这个世界的时候，我们是充分依赖我们身边的人去照顾我们的，我们是充分相信我们不用做任何特别的事情，别人也会愿意去回应我们的需要。可是当我们渐渐成长的时候，我们开始会接受到一些讯息告诉我们，我们有需要是不好的，我们有需要的时候代表我们自私，我们成为了其他人的负担，慢慢的我们对自己的需要形成了一种羞耻感。And I think our culture has a reaction to that like a rebellious reaction。And that's why we come to worship，independence and the idea of self sufficiency。We think we don't want to experience anymore this kind of dependency on others。It's it's been too painful。So we just gonna learn how to take care of ourselves and have lots of money，a lot of resources， more than we need。So we are not we don't need anyone。而我觉得这跟我们的文化里叛逆的反应是有关的。就是说我们会很崇拜一些经济独立的状态，因为对我们来说要充分的依赖其他人经验，太痛苦了，我们想去学习怎样照顾好自己，去存很多的钱，拥有很多的资源，这样我们就不用再经历在与别人互动里受到伤害的这个过程。
But it's really like trying to get rid of our needs and not having needs。It's not really sustainable or possible。We are dependent on other people for everything。 We we think that because we can pay other people that gives us power。But even in times like this，you can easily see that money may not be useful。And then we need other people to grow our food to make clothes for us to to help us beat our house。Everything that will accomplish in life is being accomplished because of other people's contribution。那么就像当我们想要放开我们的需要一样，想要做到完全独立自主的生活，其实是不可能的。我们互相依赖的去生活，我们以为我们可以付钱去换来很多东西，觉得这就是一个我们有力量的展现。但其实在疫情期间，我们也看到就算有钱也不一定能够支持我们做到什么。我们需要的很多东西，比如说像食物，有人会为我们种，我们的房子，有人为我们盖，我们在生命里实践的很多东西其实都是依赖其他人为我们贡献的。
So we go on continue like a maturity，continue from who dependency where other people have to take care of our needs because we are not capable to do it ourselves to gradually independence where we are able to care for our needs and we become responsible for our needs。 And it can be any level physical，emotional，intellectual，spiritual。
But then if we stop there，we haven't completed the process of growth because interdependence requires us reintegrate dependency。After we accomplished independence。你就可以想象这是一个还在延伸、还在成长的光谱，从一开始我们来到这个世界的时候，我们是充分依赖其他人的时候，我们还没有能力去回应照顾自己的需要。而慢慢的当我们成长了以后，我们学会了独立，我们可以照顾以及为我们自己的需要负责，而需要指的可能是物质上的、知性上的或是灵性上的。然而如果我们只就停留在自主的部分，我们就没有完成我们成长的过程，我们需要重新整合我们对于其他人的依赖，去到下一个阶段。
And that invites vulnerability again。Right？We need to open the vulnerability in order to open to receive。For me，it was a process to realize that I'm actually not going to be able to be in so that my giving we will be sustainable if I'm not learning also to receive in order to give I need to receive because when my cup is，I'm not gonna be able to give any more and if I'm open to receiving that ensures that my cup is never empty。而这就会邀请我们去接触我们脆弱的部分，我们需要打开自己去接收其他人给我们的一些资源或者支持。而这是一个过程，我会发现，原来如果我们可持续的去把自己给予贡献出去的话，其实我们也需要打开自己去接受别人的贡献，别人的给予。这就像说，当我的杯子是空的时候，我很难去给予给其他人，我需要打开自己去接收其他人的东西，我才有一个满的杯子能够再重新贡献出去。
And marshall took this idea even further and he said that to receive with grace，maybe the greatest giving meaning when I'm opening to receive，I'm actually offering a gift to others to contribute to me。So there is no really a difference between giving and receiving。So my responsibility on my work in this is to first connect with my needs and then actually hold on with care，establish my own muttering and learn how to put my needs on the table so that life can respond to them。马歇尔甚至把想法再推进一步，他说我们优雅的接收是最美好、最伟大的给予。这意味着当我接收其他人给我的东西时，其实对于对方来说这是一份礼物，所以不再区分说什么是给予，什么是接受了。所以我的工作第一责任就是去连接我自己的需要，去照顾我自己的这份需要以及重视他，所以我需要把我的需要摆上台面，让这个世界能够回应。
And this kind of receiving is it's unconditional because you may know this impulse that when someone gives something to me，there is immediate impulse to give back or to have a sense that I owe them something。 Now I need to give to do something for them。That's not the receiving I'm talking about。It's not an exchange。It's when I fully trust that my needs matter and I'm making this wonderful act of making a request trusting。It's not even a personal thing。Trusting that the life within me is a second as life outside of me。And because of that， I want to care for it。我谈的这种接收是指无条件的接收。如果当有些人给我们东西，然后我们会有个冲动想要还他一些什么，或者觉得我们欠他的人情需要为他做一点什么时，这不是我说的接受。这种接收是要当我充分的相信我的需要是重要的，我会为此发出请求，我相信在我跟其他人的需要以及生命是同样神圣的。我是基于这样，所以我愿意打开自己去接收。
So take a breath and just try to imagine a world where we all trust our mandarin。It will require a lot of healing to the point that we can easily for what we need。And hold our experience with care and included even when others do not，even when others drop us， they cannot really drop us if we are not dropping ourselves。请大家花一点时间理解刚刚我说的这些，邀请大家真的去相信，我们自己是重要的。当然这可能需要更多的疗愈，才能做到能够真的充分相信我们自己最重要的。我们希望我们可以重视自己到一个程度是我们可以为自己的需要发声，我们可以照顾我们自己在处境里的经验。尽管其他人没有照顾到我们，而其他人没有办法不照顾我们，如果我们能够充分的照顾自己的话，其他人是没有办法不会没有照顾到我们。
I also want to tie back to the idea that does not mean that other people have to agree to do as we want or to give us what we want。It ties back to the idea that the web of life is abundant with resources。And there are many ways we can need needs on it，not just one way。
So it's important to have clarity because sometimes when we try to establish our mandarin，we get attached that only getting what we want the way we want it means that we matter and that's not the idea。And even if we don't at all，get what we want，eventually still the act of requesting the out of putting on it on the table，making on it known。 What it means to matter.说这些，是我想说清楚，相信我们自己是重要的，指的不是强迫其他人以特定的方式照顾或是做特定的事情，我们才是重要的。因为我们要记得在生命之网里，我们的资源是非常丰盛的，我们不只有一个方式去回应我们的需要，我想把这个说清楚，是因为有时当我们以为我们要重新发现我们是重要的时候，我们会把其他人做或不做什么事情，联系到我们是不是重要，而我想要理清这个概念。尽管到最后可能我们的需要并没有得到满足，这也不等于我们就不重要了。因为一旦我们为自己的需要发声，我们把它放在台面上，我们为其发出请求的时候，我们就为我们的需要负责了，我们就照顾他，我们就确定了我们的需要是重要的。
四.讨论
So let's get in close again for a quick check in。
And share with your partner about what's coming up for you hearing all of this。
How do you relate to asking and receiving？What are your challenges with this？
I also invited to reflect on any for our demonstration for today。If you have a situation where you are struggling to make a request or you are struggling to know how to matter and how to include yourself。I would love for you to bring it to the group so we can work on it。
现在邀请大家进入到两人的小组消化一下，你听了这么多，你现在有什么想法，现在感觉怎么样？对于你来说，如果你要发出请求，要向别人问一些 asking and receiving，如果你要接收其他人的资源的话，你的困难在哪里？
另外，想邀请大家回到大组时做一个练习，即你有没有一个处境很挣扎，没有办法为自己发出请求，不知道要怎么样重视自己，或是把照顾自己的需要。
All right，do we have the best the same format，three minutes expression，two minutes reflection。
五.案例示范
欢迎大家回来，我很想听大家说说，大家听完又讨论了之后，你们还有哪些困难给自己发出请求，把自己的需要放在台面上的。请你分享一下你的处境。
案例：
S:我妈妈跟我住在一起，她做一些事时，我容易产生一些情绪，好像内在会产生一些抵制或者对抗，有时就会带着情绪的跟她说。我没办法表达我的请求或者我的需要，就觉得好像说不出口。
对于我自己来说比较困惑的是，家里上有老下有小，我自己经常是把所有人都看作是我的头等大事，我照顾了所有人。在我成长过程中，被教育说先人后己，应该去照顾别人，感觉有自己的需要可能是比较耻辱的。在家里，我很难想到还有我自己。比如，我自己有肩颈疼各种各样的问题，可是我在他们面前，我就很难表达我自己的需要，表达我也需要照顾，觉得他们都需要我照顾。但是不说，很多时候又会觉得有些委屈。
T: I'd like to work with sheila because I think it's really a classic experience of the struggle that we many of us experience around caring for ourselves。这是比较经典的处境，就是我们很难去表达自己的需要的一个状况。
So right now I I want to connect because of that I want to connect with with you and really invite you to check with yourself when you say it。Okay。Come on with your body language。I was wondering if there is some heart and some sense that you don't matter as much。
我想要利用这一个互动这一课来做一个演示，因为我知道我们很多时候觉得自己不重要，然后我也知道我们有时候听到别人对于我们发出的请求说不的时候，我们也很容易觉得自己不够重要，也特别因为我现在是处于一个权力的高位，所以我会特别小心，然后确认清楚，以及优先照顾跟对方的连接。所以这一刻我想要跟M确认的是，我想邀请你跟你的内心再做一个确认，当你听到我这个回应时，你有没有觉得内心有一个部分可能觉得你不重要了？因为我刚观察到你的身体语言，我觉得可能有不一样，跟你说的话有些不一样的。(M被老师拒绝了做案例)
M:是的，是跳出来“我不够重要”、“我不够好”。刚才我感受到在说这部分的时候，会觉得好像有些地方有点凉凉的感觉，手和脚都不太舒服。
T:So first I wanna thank you so much for being willing to share honesty。Your experience。 I'm expressing a lot of tenderness for you right now and appreciation。 I you can see that it's very painful when we have this belief that we are not enough which I have been on this path for many years。When we receive I know or when really anything will be interpreted through this lens as we going to experience this trauma again and again that we don't matter。首先我想要真的谢谢你愿意这么诚实的表达你的内在经验，我现在对你抱着很多的温柔跟感激。这是非常痛苦的，如果我们带着这个想法，觉得我们就是不够好，我自己就带着这个想法活了很多年，而我发现我们的带着信念去活的时候，我们看待的所有事情都会被这个信念过滤，我们会重新不断的在经验确认这个信念是真的。
So first I wanna check and that's a learning also for everyone。This is how you engage with muttering and this is how you reclaim muttering for other people when you notice that they have a health party。Yes。You just don't accept it and you engage with them。And I want to check if you are actually experiencing the care right now in this engagement。首先，这是给到大家一个学习，怎么样重拾对方的重要性，就是当我们发现对方说了一个不是全心全意的好的时候，我们就不能去接受他的回答。现在我们要选择去跟他做连接，现在我想跟你确认一下，你有没有感受到对你的照顾、关爱？
M:刚刚在听老师说的时候，我刚开始在表达完以后,再听老师说的时候，我就突然有一种就想哭的感觉，也有点感动，在那个时候手好像也感觉到有一些想发抖，后来手抖慢慢的好像会缓一点下来。我说话的时候就想哭，有点感动。
T: After I express I listen to you while and feel like I want to cry。It's very touching。And my hands are shuffling whenever I speak，I feel like I yes。First I want to say that your tears are so welcome here。And that the tenderness of your heart。
It's precious。 We all carry very similar ones。 You can see that even a simple thing about whose person we're going to focus on for demonstration can trigger this drama so easily and bring it right to the surface。And here is the opportunity for you。So in this situation you ask yourself and what does it mean to matter to myself in this moment？Right now？III want to say that when you say okay，and you didn't share what was leaving in you and was ready to drop yourself and give up and move on，that was the moment where you re traumatized yourself。首先我想说的你的眼泪就是在这个空间里是非常欢迎的。我们大家都带着相似的伤口，就连我们在大组演示要看要选择哪一个人做演示，也会刺激到我们这个创伤。而你内心的这份温柔是非常宝贵的。同时这也是一个机会。我想要邀请你问一下，对于你来说，在这一刻如果要确认你是重要的话，我们需要做一些什么？我想补充的是，当你刚才回答说ok时，你没有分享你内心真正很有活力的东西的时候，你就没有重视到自己了，然后你就想要继续下去。而这其实是一个重新创伤自己的过程。
And to matter to myself that to yourself doesn't mean that you need to forcefully take what you want。I do acknowledge your true experience and possibly to make a request to better meet your name。
要重拾我们重视自己的部分，不等于我们要强迫我们想要的事情，按照我们想要的方法去发生，反而是真实的面对我们内心在经验的东西，然后为他发出请求。
Excuse me，what's going on？
我好奇你现在现在怎么样？
M:我刚刚说可以ok的时候，内心跳出来我还是有点害怕，然后有点我不够好，我不重要。当老师刚刚那样询问我的时候，我一下子就觉得放松了很多，是被看见的那种感觉。这个时候我会感觉到对我的手没有那么抖了，心有点触动。现在我还有一点点紧张，或者是焦虑。
T:So I I wanna check and I'm holding you just for you to know。I know we shift the attention，but I think this is really useful。for the demonstration，I wanna check if you are willing to stretch if you have the capacity to stretch a bit more。And what I would like to invite you right now is to actually check within and with my guidance to see what you could have said instead of the okay to fully hold care and for yourself。
我想跟你说一下，我没有忘记Sheila。我想邀请你告诉我，你还有没有那个意愿和能力可以在伸展一下，因为我觉得这是一个很重要的学习，可以给到大家去做的。
这时候我也想跟M确认一下，想邀请你回到你的内心，然后看我们有什么方式可以回到刚才那个时刻，当你说ok的那个时刻，可以用什么方式去支持你去做不一样的表达？
I just want to say that this is because when we are in this situation， now you have someone is killed who can extend this care and holding for you，but you don't want to be dependent on that。You want to learn how to do it for yourself。我想说的是我们现在在一个处境是，有人可以带着技巧去带领我们去回应自己的需要。同时我们也要学会怎么样去照顾以及重视我们自己的需要。
M:刚刚老师在说叫什么怎么去回到就可以ok的当下的时候，我是能够感受到当时的其实那种内在有种开心，觉得被老师回应的时候，说我可以提问，我能不能去做这个的时候，我说可以的时候，我感受到被看见，其实老师还是很重视我，那时候我会有其实是有点放松和开心的。
T:Yes。 And in the world that we live in，people may not check in with you at all。 And so we need to strengthen the muscle of speaking up and holding ourselves。And I want to give you an example of how that look like as a vision。在我现在生活的世界里头，很少人会跟我们做这样子的确认，所以我们自己要锻炼我们这部分的肌肉，为自己的真实发声。我想要给一个例子，这是怎么发的声的？
So I in the moment when if I'm you and I'm not think that's coming up for me。 Then the teacher is asking me how is it for me？I would like to actually let her know how it's like for me and I would say something like thank you for asking。I'm not saying that it's really challenging for me。It brings up my trauma which you said I think that it just helps me express a little bit about what's going on。 And then I can see I feel open to shift attention。Or if I have a request to actually for you to change your decision and support me instead。我会想象可能如果我当时是你的话.当你问我：你现在觉得怎么样的时候，我可能会这样子说。
谢谢你问我对我来说有一些挑战，有些困难，因为好像触碰到我受伤的经验，我的创伤，那会支持到我的失误，可以多表达一些我现在的状态，可能我表达完了，我就也愿意让你跟S做演示。或者我会发出请求，想让你再给我多一些支持。
M:老师这样子说的时候，我好像全身就开始放松下来了，好像所以感觉到开心又被重视了。
T:Yes，thank you。Yes， you welcome。
And what I want to say that this is not to put your needs on the table even with authority figure and say actually that doesn't work for me because I have this need and then make a request is power。
It's not power over because you're still in dialogue with me。 You just including yourself。
你可以看到我们照顾自己的需要,不等于要强迫事情按照我们想要的方式去发生，反而他指的只不过是把我们的需要放在台面上，甚至是在有权利的人面前你可以这么做，然后发出我们的请求，这个就已经是活出我们最大的力量了。然后我们跟对方持续在对话里，我们也没有要强迫什么。
And that's the master we all need to develop because we live in a world that is based on power over。People will not include us。They will not remember to check with us。They will not check for impact that the reality。So we need to be willing to hold ourselves and speak up and do it in a caring way that still maintains connection and trust。这就是我们需要锻炼的肌肉，因为在我们生活的世界里，很多时候有权利的人会做一些决定，而是没有照顾到为我们带来的影响，而我们没有机会表达。所以我们自己要愿意去照顾我们自己的需要，然后去建立更多的关爱，连接以及信任。
Now I want to look back to sheila st V D I look you first，man，the end。
I'm curious to hear if it if it was actually contributing to what you are dealing with。
Sheila，现在想跟你聊一聊，我刚才一直在追踪着你的脸，我看你还是很投入的。所以好奇刚才这个演示有没有回答到你关于你处境的一些问题，有没有贡献到你的处境？
S:我觉得是这样，就是说当刚才你在和M的同理过程中，我觉得特别受启发。启发最大的是关注到我们自己的内心的需要和渴望，然后能够去提出自己的请求，表达自己的渴望和请求。这在我们自己的文化里，有时候需要我们有勇气去表达。很多时候因为自己成长的环境，很多时候压抑了我们自己的这种表达。长期以往，我们就失去了这种能力和勇气。
T:Yes，thank you。And do you feel like you have more clarity and capacity to actually practice it in your situation now。你觉得你现在更清晰了一些了吗？有更多的能力在你的处境里做这个练习吗？
S:我觉得可能还是有一些问题。在我们家里面，我几乎很难去说出我自己需要什么。因为周围的人都是需要我照顾的。说出我自己的需要更加挑战，可能说出我自己的需要都是比较自私的。
T:Yes。So what I want to say is that if you have a demand that you have to take care of others and there is no room for you because of that，it's not sustainable because you end up depleting your resources。我想说的是，如果我们对自己发出这样子的要求或命令的话，就是我一定要照顾其他人，这样子的话对于我们自己来说也是不可持续的。因为我们自己也会耗尽我们的内在的力量。
So it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to ask the person you are caring for to care for you。
That's the beauty of independence。You can reach out to other resources，but find a way，find a way for your needs to matter because otherwise everyone will pay for it。为自己的需要发声，不一定代表你要跟家人，即需要你照顾的人，让他们回应你的需要。因为我们还有很多资源，所以重点的是你要做一些行为去回应自己的需要，可以是其他人，不一定是家人。
S:但是还是有一个问题，比如说我自己其实带领同理圈，可是带领同理圈的时候，又变成是我做的一些其他事情，还是在照顾其他人。我现在其实很难想到一个办法，利用什么样的资源可以照顾到我自己，所以我觉得好像我一直生活在这样一个模式当中，好像我就应该有这样的责任和义务去照顾别人。
T:So I actually would like to spend some more minutes with you if you are open to it when after we end because I wanna create space for people who need to live to live。 Is that okay，sure。
我们待会结束之后还可以跟你说几句吗？因为想确认了班上的人可以准时下课。
So if you want to stay a few more minutes，but if not closing right now，the official time for the class，I would love for you to write on the chat what have you taken from today？ There will also be some practice suggestions and you welcome to send your questions until we meet again next Friday。Thank you。Thank you，everyone。Big hug and I'm gonna shift to sheila again and whoever wants to stay with us is welcome。如果你愿意留下来多几分钟的话，也欢迎你。如果你是要走的话，也邀请你在对话里写下，你今天有什么收获，我们之后还是会发这周的练习给大家，在我们下次再见面以前祝福大家。 如果需要离开的同伙伴可以离开，如果你愿意留下来，那也欢迎大家继续回来留在这里。
When you ask about this person for me，it's very clear that it's not something individual because I think we especially for women， a big piece of socialization is to focus on caring for others on our expense。This is what we all do as mothers。This is what we've seen our mother's done and it's actually something that is being real。Priced by the culture is something like a true expression of love and care is to be needless or selfless。So no wonder you have designed a life for you that reflect these values and this upbringing。Because you want to be the good girl and the good woman and do what's。
Sheila,我现在想问你的是，你刚才提到的生活的模式对我来说是很清晰的。这不是你个人的问题，这是一个更大的属于集体的，甚至是女性共同面对的处境——就是在我们成长的时候，很多时候我们会关注在怎样去照顾其他人，就算会让我们付上很大的代价，而照顾其他人的这种东西是被社会歌颂的，是一种美德。然后很多时候甚至会说真正的爱跟真正的关爱，意味着我们不可以有需要，不然我们就是自私的。那也因为这样，我们很想要做一个乖的女儿、乖的小孩、好的女人，想要做一个正确的事情，这样才体现了我们的人生价值。
S:是的。对，
T:so I invite you to look at this as a spiritual art of self liberation，but also collective liberation of all women。An all beings。Reclaim your mandarin，reclaim your needs one interaction。 At time。And it's a practice that gradually will take you to a new way of being that is not less loving or less caring but more.It's letting the fire of oppression burn inside of you in a positive way and lead you to make different choices that are serving of the hole including you。我想邀请你做个精神性的一个练习，即如果你愿意重拾自己的需要，重视自己的话，这对于你自己来说，以及所有女性、所有的生命都是一种解放。邀请你在接下来的每一个互动里，逐次的为自己的需要发声，然后渐渐的你会变得不是所谓的更自私，而是能够活出更多的爱。这有点像是让压迫的火焰在你的内心燃烧，这样你就可以在相同的途径里做不一样的选择，而这个选择是会同时照顾到你以及其他人。
If you have a daughter think about her and what you want to model for her and for your granddaughter and set up a model for sustainable life，A life that mothers I think for me that's kind of passion helps me then take support，do role plays。
And power yourself because it's hard work to rewire the brain and create new no runs part with。So you can start responding differently。
如果你有女儿或者孙女的话，邀请你想象一下，你也想为他们做出不一样的示范，让他们能够活出也能够认为自己是重要的，活出这份生命。如果要重新去塑造我们的脑神经回路，这样的热情很能帮助我们打开自己去寻求支持，去做比如角色扮演等等练习。这会是一个需要下苦功的过程。
S:非常感谢。其实这是要求我们有一个觉察，即每一个其实是邀请我们自己每个人在每一个当下照顾，同时照顾别人的需要和我们自己的需要.
T:I think it's bring awareness to how to care for an invitation of how to care for us and other people at every moment。Yes。It is possible。And it's the only way that is sustainable for life。是的，而且我觉得它是真实的，是可行的，而且是唯一一个方式能够让生命可持续下去。
刘轶：我分享一个小练习，我记得是mickey在印度的时候跟我们分享的。去山上，自己大声的喊：我的需要很重要。去做这个练习，让你内在的那种那股很重要的能量能够真的让自己看到。
S:很棒，因为到了山上大喊的时候会有回音。
刘轶：Yeah，that's also because you also hear the echo、The universeecho，your mandarin。是的，宇宙在回应你的重要性。
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