LIFE is never easy, right?

It seems ridiculous that I've just realized that life is hard, when I was at my 30s.

I'm uneasy, about everything.

My age, my career, my family, everything relating to me, myself.

I'm not self-confident, I don't have any confidence.

 I always think I'm a bad example of my son.

Well, to admit that I'm not a good parent isn't so hard because the real life is way much tougher to face than it.

I'm down today, the whole day, just every minute of it, so the funny thing is, I feel guilty of not working hard enough to cope with the ups and downs of my life, I still killed my whole afternoon, taking a nap and playing some lousy little games.

I don't how to be a good mother, I don't know how to be a mentally and physically healthy person, and I don't know how to be a good wife.

It's killing me that I did nothing in my life that could bring me joy and pride 

and the purpose of my life is still vague and far to reach.

Today, while I was listening to the BBC news, I met a word, PROACTIVE

I looked it up and I found this word is what I've always lacked of and I'm in desperate need of it.

 proactive: taking action and making changes before they need to be made, rather than waiting until problems develop

Every time when I start to criticize myself, I always shut myself in, not let anyone make contact with me, not showing any willing patterns of communication with everyone else.

It looks as if I blame every mistake I've made on them, my loved ones.

Why am I such a jerk? 

So, who's the joke?

Of course, it's never been other things, always always be me.

I don't know what to do...

so, what am I suppose to do? I've got no idea. 

Be with it...

Just live with it...

Just suck it and see...

What am I writing,  a complete nonsense...