All Too Well

It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Who cares one more light goes out in the sky of millions stars, it flickers, flickers.

One more light, for me, it might be searching for a life safe and sound. For you, it might be to be a better man. One more light is a symbol of broad sight of filed/ while standing on the peak of mountains., which seems like diving into the water / keeping rolling even if it’s becoming deeper and darker, or seems like the direction to assist us lift the misty roads of our lifetime. A mixture of emotions comes flooding to me. Swelling with mixed expressions, it’s hard to describe.

Looking back those days we spent together, warm river running through, ranging from painful scars, thrilling moments and moving scenes reappear in the mind / and something strange happens secretly.

Seven years and my life is still, I’m trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination, but at truth / it’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Do u remember when we first came across? In your first self-introduction at school, you said you were like a “loser”. Nothing, we didn’t attract attention from each other, and we were not familiar and admirable to each other enough either. I do was a selfish and mean boy at that period of time, left alone by classmates. Countless shades were dark and deep like knives striking into me. Still, I was too nasty and awful but used to do so.

Do u remember there’s a bathhouse? Out of curiosity and amusement, we were taking a shower without any special education, it’s steaming hot, and we were listening to the water dropping on the bath floor, as well as vapor was complex with fragrance of lavender-scented soap and shampoo. Though suspicion, it’s enough for me / because I was so naive that I thought I had been prepared for this white war.

Do u remember? Knowing and hearing changes about dormitories, it’s amazing that our quilts were closer. Head to head, dirty jokes that made us burst out laughing, and gossips once in a while with several touches. In that afternoon when the siesta bell had just rung, sweet smiles heaved in my sight. It’s my turn to mop the floor, waiting for others to leave but somebody didn’t until I finished. Sunshine was shining on the balcony, a door was slightly closed, lights were turned off, shoulders were locked, lips were wet but warm and cheeks were turning red. Surprisingly, wish it could be a permanent moment.

Do u remember? Conflicts were inevitable and inescapable. Fists on the back, palm on the face, cuts in heart. Separate for hating and forgetting, but love made them forgiveness. Heaven was blue, given an umbrella, but it was cast away. A snowing evening, no invitation, only left me out on purpose. Waiting at the gate bitterly, I got away the instant I sensed you saw me, I knew that’s just the way that you could caught up with me that I had only left and owned. Blue became grey, grey turned dark black. Hailstorm and raindrops hit me severely and terrifically.

Do u still remember? The anxiety when you were too sick to stay. The concern when I spared a morning to make up sports exams. I was having conversations with the headteacher but you waited me till it’s over just for letting me accompany with you to go out of campus. You were at ease and in relief when hearing my voice and noticing my exam went smoothly. Under the deep night-sky, there were two stars flicking with heart-to-heart communications. Below the thick shades of trees, there were two whales helping one another in tough time.

We went crazy, enough.

Three years of high school seemed like a nightmare, though continued and connected with yearly presents, postcards and pictures, pain and hurt never declined.

Summer vacation, getting a message secretly, i rushed out of the room then against karaoke’s door. omg! You were about to come out coincidently, embarrassments were soon flooding. In a taxi, chatting about chores and affairs; getting off in the airport, it was me rushing to school, slipping into the house, drunk and intertwined.

Exchange cities till now.

I would rather turn into a green leaf / to make an effort to help the tree grow strongly / than use words like fresh flowers to make a net / seems beautiful.

You shout at, laugh at, fight back, turn back. But I cheer up, catch up, never give up to the end.

Remembering, leaving so many notes.

Reviewing, taking so many photos.

Repeating, the steady promises.

Recycling, the common memories.

Frequently, your love is so asleep.

Fluently, your mind is so alive.

Fortunately, efforts are nothing.

Faithfully, gender is everything.

As the proverb goes, “time is the best medicine to delete anything”, I approve, it contains joys and sorrows, warmth and coldness, indifference and passions. There is no denying the fact that I do am a loser and a liar, filled with fat and shortcomings, who once hurt someone I devoted my love to / but then begged for forgiveness. It is terrifically impossible for any of us / to turn ourselves back in the pretty past we should have owned / once getting hurt. I must admit that I have done what you said “putting the salt in the pain”. This kind of action almost happens on me.

The more I show my love, the easier I can make whom I hurt.

These years seem like a light shining in a second, when we are ready to feel it, it has died out. The love I can remember is steady, more than diamonds, less than stones. Wish this love will exist / despite there won’t be any connections between us. I will always cherish it and keep its flavor tasty. Just like hundreds of dreams I dreamed you, thousands of times I had written down your name, and millions of high spirits when hearing of things relevant to you.

The movie “Coco” once taught us that / a person’s soul would never die out / unless none of us love him around the world. Don’t be worried, there will always a fatty and ridiculous newbie / keeping you at his most essential position of his heart, who feels like making you feel at home when lonely, staying by your side distantly when homeless. Hope this one more light will turn into your star flickering towards your direction.

emm....I wrote down those words last year at the beginning of November, at that time my mind was so pure that I couldn’t imagine what would happen when I followed my monthly plan, which is visiting your town to accompany you for just a night. But in that ending of November, everything had changed. Of course I know sometimes you adopted negative attitude towards me just like that weekend, without hugging, only being pushed away, then leaving a message saying that you were greedy for a normal human, which naturally means break-up. To be honest, that’s not lover anymore, it’s unfair and illicit affairs, we had never been getting together at any time, it is only my grandiose assumptions and ridiculous thoughts / that put ourselves in the wrong circles again and again. As is what you said, we were just at the same middle school, nothing more.

Though my castle crumbled overnight, on the naive and understanding purpose of giving you enough time and energy, I tried to hold back my tears and words. Wondering standing on the cliffside screaming “give me a reason”. No reason, just boys and girls, Adam and Eve. The following days I really felt like forgetting those chores but still kept a thirst and tinny hope. After end-exam, waiting until the bell rung, the papers fell from the text-building, the graduates left with books and baggage, you showed up into my vision. Getting a little angry cause you lost all my notebooks once I gave you. The dusk was strangely dazzling, on the back of the taxi again, getting off the Starbucks near-by that karaoke, sitting at the corner , you showed the pictures of her , consequently asking me difference and phenomenon of beauties, but questions were that / I wondered whether I was your easily replaceable succedaneum and sacrifice, it is your recognition and admission that you whispered we were just what you said last time. No emotions, no love, no memories at all. It’s sorry to hear that in fact my heart was totally empty. Owned nothing else, turning and leaving the café, I was spinning aimlessly around the nearby plaza and felt like I was badly sunburned.

Two months I tried to let those past away, something invisible in the mind seems to fade away, but still accidentally turned out by a light tap. Hearing that we were at the same campus in three or even more years, a mixture of expressions came flooding to me and I was about to

seek a place to hide. Chances are that we might come across. We pretend smiling / as though there were something lewd about the secret to the outsider, but that is was something that we understand. Clearly I know that’s impossible / and I need to hold back and let go, but still want to catch a glimpse of you, hope one day we will dance with strangers, you can really get well soon. In case that I know the access is tough, I wouldn’t like you to get through the same pains again. Wish you enjoy your new and normal life, full of feasts for everything and you will find your Ms. Right.

Anyway, please cherish our memories, wind in my hair, you were there, down the stairs, I was there, it was rare, we were there, we remember it all too well.