S asked me to go to a party tonight. And I said no. She asked why. I told her that I have a meeting with my supervisor tomorrow. She said there was no connection between the two things. But she knows it's because I'd like to procrastinate everything till the last minute. I admitted. She then told me I should learn how to manage my time better. I said that's the thing I have never learned. I am always jealous of the people who can work hard, play harder. Me, is just on the contrary.
Even when I am in the library, I could still go to a lot of social media, like weibo/douban/fb/twitter. I F5 again and again even there's no fresh moments. I even go to some strangers' weibo accidently, looking at their lives from the beginning. I felt like a freak. I even chat with people in English on Douban. I argue with them and respond with continuous long replies. Time wasted, but I did not care. It's crazy, I know.
Even staring at a wall seems interesting than working on the paper. That's why I just avoid doing it. There must be something wrong with me. Seriously I mean the characteristic. Why am I always being a coward? Why do I just want to hide and escape from the people and things? Why am I just being twisted? "I am lonely". But"Leave me alone." ALWAYS. I am terrible at relationships. All my relationships are screwed up. I can't talk to them looking at their eyes. They thought I am just being shy. I can't say those sweet words to them, like" darling, I miss you". I can't be intimate with them. And I can't talk to them about my love and fears deep in my heart. All I can share is just my happiness and stupid or awkward moments. Maybe like C said before, I have built a thick wall with a lock, nobody can come inside. It's pathetic. However, the truth is .. I do not have enough confidence but high self-esteem or should I call it pride? And I cannot trust people easily. The sense of belonging and security are just too scarce in the world. I am not sure if I can ever found them in somebody. Wow, such a relief when I finally admitted it.
Likewise, I am not sure whether I can have a happy marriage in the future. Love and marriage is just a complex thing for me. Perhaps, the thing I have to do now is to find who I am, accept and love myself, since most of the time I am just being harsh on myself, blaming myself. I have to stop. Nobody is perfect, you gotta accept the fact. You should learn to deal with loneliness, imperfection, anger, depression, anxiety, etc. All those negative thoughts are like monsters, if you can't face them, they will swallow you in the end.
Life is definitely not easy on a procrastinator, so does the world. Actually, the world would become a much better place if there's something called procrastination killer.
I hate dissertation, which made me like a crazy woman who always complain and talk about the crap endlessly. It's like that I am not me in the moment, just a certain machine controlled by a lazy evil.
All right. Stop! Do something related to your job NOW; otherwise, you will feel sorry TOMORROW.
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