-*-
57
就这样，我度过了漫长的一天，没有下雨，但天色很阴沉。从那时候开始，我的态度发生了转变。从表面上看来，莉拉和我之间的关系越来越密切，但现在我渴望能够快刀斩乱麻，我要重新投入自己的生活。或者，这种转变已经开始了，在那些小细节里，当这些细节撞击着我时，我能感受到，但现在这些细节累积起来了。我出来走一圈是有用的，但回到家里，我变得很不高兴。这么多年，她都没有告诉我阿方索的事情，她明明知道我和阿方索的关系非常密切。我和莉拉之间的友谊到底是什么样的？有没有可能，她没有察觉米凯莱对她的绝对依赖？或者她出于自己的原因，决心不对我说这件事情？从另一个方面，我自己对她隐瞒了多少事情？
The long day passed in that way, without
rain but dark. And then began a reversal that rapidly changed a phase of
apparent growth in the relationship between Lila and me into a desire to cut
it off and return to taking care of my own life. Or maybe it had begun before
that, in tiny details that I scarcely noticed as they struck me, and now
instead were starting to add up. The trip had been useful, and yet I came
home unhappy. What sort of friendship was mine and Lila’s, if she had been
silent about Alfonso for years, though she knew I had a close relationship
with him? Was it possible that she hadn’t realized Michele’s absolute
dependence on her, or for her own reasons had she decided not to say
anything? On the other hand, I—how many things had I kept hidden from her?
那一天剩下的时间里，我的脑子一直都很乱，那些时光、地方、见到的不同的人一直在我的脑子里浮现：幽灵一样的曼努埃拉太太、目光空洞的里诺、小学时候的吉耀拉、中学时候的吉耀拉、少年时期受到索拉拉兄弟吸引的吉耀拉，因为他们帅气、强壮而出现在那辆菲亚特“1100”上的耀眼的吉耀拉。米凯莱和尼诺一样，都很惹女人喜爱，但差别在于，米凯莱有自己的最爱——莉拉，莉拉能够激起他的这种激情，那种激情不仅仅是一种占有和支配，一种可以夸耀的东西，一种报复和低级的欲望，就像他所说的那样，是一种对女性价值的狂热肯定，一种崇拜，不是压制，而是一种非常珍贵的男人的爱，一种复杂的感情，是一个男人针对一个女人——女人中的臻品，那种带着决心、近乎残暴的爱。我觉得自己和吉耀拉比较像，我了解那种羞辱。
For the rest of the day I inhabited a
chaos of places, times, various people: the haunted Signora Manuela, the
vacuous Rino, Gigliola in elementary school, Gigliola in middle school,
Gigliola seduced by the potent good looks of the Solara boys, Gigliola dazzled
by the Fiat 1100, and Michele who attracted women like Nino but, unlike him,
was capable of an absolute passion, and Lila, Lila who had aroused that
passion, a rapture that was fed not only by a craving for possession, by
thuggish bragging, by revenge, by low-*-after form of male love, a complex
feeling that was capable—with determination, with a kind of ferocity—of
making a woman the chosen among women. I felt close to Gigliola, I understood
her humiliation.
当天下午，我就见到了莉拉和恩佐。我没有说我那天的经历，没有说我所做的，是出于对她的爱，也是为了保护那个和她一起生活的男人。趁着莉拉在厨房让孩子吃饭的时候，我对恩佐说，莉拉想回到老城区去住。我决定不隐瞒自己的态度，我说，那虽然不是一个好主意，但我觉得，这对于帮助她稳定下来有帮助。她身体没问题，她现在需要重新找到一种平衡——或者是她自己这么想的，我们需要鼓励她，再加上事情已经过去那么长时间了，就我所知，在我们的城区里，情况不会比在圣约翰·特杜奇奥更糟糕。恩佐耸了耸肩膀说：
That night I went to see Lila and Enzo. I
didn’t say anything about that exploration I had made for love of her and
also to protect the man she lived with. I took advantage instead of a moment
when Lila was in the kitchen feeding the child to tell Enzo that she wanted
to go back to the neighborhood. I decided not to hide my opinion. I said it
didn’t seem like a good idea to me, but that anything that could help
stabilize her—she was healthy, she had only to regain some equilibrium—or
that she considered such, should be encouraged. All the more since time had
passed and, as far as I knew, in the neighborhood they wouldn’t be worse off
than in San Giovanni a Teduccio. Enzo shrugged.
“我没什么意见，我可以早上早点起，晚上晚点回去。”
“I have nothing against it. I’ll have to
get up earlier in the morning, return a little later in the evening.”
“我看到了堂·卡罗的老房子在出租，他的几个孩子都去卡赛塔住了，现在那个寡妇也要搬到卡赛塔去。”
“I saw that Don Carlo’s old apartment is
for rent. The children have gone to Caserta and the widow wants to join
them.”
“租金多少？”
“What’s the rent?”
我跟他说，在城区的租金要比圣约翰·特杜奇奥还要便宜。
I told him: in the neighborhood the rents
were lower than in San Giovanni a Teduccio.
“好吧。”恩佐表示同意。
“All right,” Enzo agreed.
“你知道，无论如何都会有矛盾要面对。”
“You realize you’ll have some problems
anyway.”
“在这里也一样。”
“There are problems here, too.”
“城区里的麻烦会更多，要求也更多。”
“The irritations will increase, and also
the claims.”
“我们看吧。”
“We’ll see.”
“你会在她身边吗？”
“You’ll stay with her?”
“是的，如果她愿意的话。”
“As long as she wants, yes.”
我们一起到厨房里找莉拉谈，我们跟她说了堂·卡罗的房子。她刚和詹纳罗吵了架，现在孩子和母亲在一起的时间要比他和邻居在一起的时间长，他有些不知所措，他的自由少了，他不得不改掉一些毛病，他现在已经五岁了，还指望别人喂他。这时候，莉拉又在吼他，他把盘子摔到了地板上，摔成了碎片。我们进厨房时，她刚扇了儿子一个耳光，她用一种很霸道的语气对我说：
We joined Lila in the kitchen. She had
just had a fight with Gennaro. Now that the child spent more time with his
mother and less with the neighbor he was disoriented. He had less freedom, he
was forced to give up a set of habits, and he rebelled by insisting, at the
age of five, on being fed with a spoon. Lila had started yelling, he had
thrown the plate, which shattered on the floor. When we went into the kitchen
she had just slapped him. She said to me aggressively:
“是你用勺子当飞机，喂他吃饭的。”
“Was it you who pretended the spoon was
an airplane?”
“只有一次。”
“Just once.”
“你不应该那么做。”
“You shouldn’t.”
我说：
I said: “It won’t happen again.”
“再也不会了。”
“No, never again, because you’re going to
be a writer and I have to waste my time like this.”
“是的，永远也不要，因为之后你要去当你的作家了，我还要在这儿浪费我的时间。”
Slowly she grew calmer, I wiped up the
floor. Enzo told her that looking for a place in the neighborhood was fine
with him, and I told her about Don Carlo’s apartment, smothering my
resentment. She listened unwillingly as she comforted the child, then she
reacted as if it were Enzo who wanted to move, as if I were the one
encouraging that choice. She said: All right, I’ll do as you like.
她渐渐平静下来了，打扫了一下地板。恩佐对她说，在城区里找套房子是可以的，我抑制着自己的不满，跟她说了堂·卡罗的房子。她一边哄孩子，一边漫不经心地听我们说，最后，她的反应好像是恩佐想搬家，好像是我促使她做这个选择。她对我们说：“好吧，我按照你们说的办。”
The next day we all went to see the
apartment. It was in poor condition, but Lila was enthusiastic: she liked
that it was on the edge of the neighborhood, almost near the tunnel, and that
from the windows you could see the gas pump of Carmen’s fiancé. Enzo observed
that at night they would be disturbed by the trucks that passed on the
stradone and by the trains at the shunting yard. But since she found pleasure
even in the sounds that had been part of our childhood, they came to an
agreement with the widow for a suitable rent. From then on, every evening
Enzo, instead of returning to San Giovanni a Teduccio, went to the
neighborhood to carry out a series of improvements that would transform the
apartment into a worthy home.
第二天我们一起去看房子。房子的状况很糟糕，但莉拉很激动：她喜欢这套房子的位置，因为房子在城区的最边上，几乎是靠着隧道的地方，从窗子可以看到卡门的未婚夫的加油泵。恩佐说，来往大路的卡车，火车调度也在那里，晚上可能会比较吵。但她觉得，那些伴随着我们童年的声音也很美，他们和那个寡妇商量了一个比较合理的价格。从那时候开始，每天晚上，恩佐不是回到圣约翰·特杜奇奥，而是来到城区，对那套房子进行一系列的改造，让它变得舒适。
It was now almost May, the date of my
wedding was approaching, and I was going back and forth to Florence. But
Lila, as if she considered that deadline irrelevant, drew me into shopping
for the finishing touches for the apartment. We bought a double bed, a cot
for Gennaro, we went together to apply for a telephone line. People saw us on
the street, some greeted only me, some both, others pretended not to have
seen either of us. Lila seemed in any case relaxed. Once we ran into Ada; she
was alone, she nodded cordially, and kept going as if she were in a hurry.
Once we met Maria, Stefano’s mother, Lila and I greeted her, she turned her
head. Once Stefano himself passed in the car and stopped of his own
initiative; he got out of the car, spoke only to me, cheerfully, asked about
my wedding, praised Florence, where he had been recently with Ada and the
child; finally patted Gennaro, gave a nod to Lila, and left. Once we saw
Fernando, Lila’s father: bent and very aged, he was standing in front of the
elementary school, and Lila became agitated, she told Gennaro that she wanted
him to meet his grandfather. I tried to restrain her, but she wanted to go
anyway, and Fernando, behaving as if his daughter weren’t present, looked at
his grandson for a few seconds and said plainly, If you see your mother, tell
her she’s a whore, and went off.
已经到了五月下旬，离我结婚的日子越来越近，我在那不勒斯和佛罗伦萨来回。但莉拉好像根本就没有意识到，这个日子快要到来了，她还让我帮她收拾那套房子、买东西。我们买了一张双人床，还有詹纳罗的小床，我们一起去办理了电话的开通申请。在街上，人们都看着我们，有人对我打招呼，有人对我们俩打招呼，有人假装没有看到我也没有看到她。无论在哪种情况下，莉拉看起来都很自在。有一次我们遇到了艾达，她一个人走着，她很客气地跟我们打了招呼，然后匆匆地走了过去，就好像有急事儿。有一次，我们遇到了斯特凡诺的母亲玛丽亚，我和莉拉给她打招呼，她马上掉过头去。有一次，我们遇到了斯特凡诺本人，他开车经过，他从车子里下来，只是很愉快地和我交谈，他问到了我的婚礼，他赞美了佛罗伦萨，因为他才和艾达还有他们的女儿一起去了那儿，他轻轻地拍了拍詹纳罗的脸蛋，然后跟莉拉点了点头，打了招呼就走了。有一次，我们看到了莉拉的父亲费尔南多，他弯腰驼背，更加老了，他站在小学门口。莉拉当时非常激动，她让詹纳罗去认识一下外公。我想拦住她，但她还是去了，费尔南多就好像没有看到女儿一样，他看了外孙几秒，一字一句地说：“你看你母亲，告诉她，她是个婊子。”然后扭头就走了。
But the most disturbing encounter, even
if at the time it seemed the least significant, was a few days before she
finally moved to the new apartment. Just as we came out of the house, we ran
into Melina, who was holding by the hand her granddaughter Maria, the child
of Stefano and Ada. She had her usual absent-minded air but she was nicely
dressed, she had peroxided her hair, her face was heavily made up. She
recognized me but not Lila, or maybe at first she chose to speak only to me.
She talked to me as if I were still the girlfriend of her son, Antonio: she
said that he would be back soon from Germany and that in his letters he
always asked about me. I complimented her warmly on her dress and her hair,
she seemed pleased. But she was even more pleased when I praised her
granddaughter, who timidly clung to her grandmother’s skirt. At that point
she must have felt obliged to say something nice about Gennaro, and she
turned to Lila: Is he your son? Only then did she seem to remember her. Until
that moment she had stared at her without saying a word, and it must have
occurred to her that here was the woman whose husband her own daughter Ada
had taken. Her eyes were sunk deep in the large sockets, she said seriously:
Lina, you’ve gotten ugly and thin, of course Stefano left you, men like
flesh, otherwise they don’t know where to put their hands and they leave.
Then with a rapid jerk of her head she turned to Gennaro, and pointing to the
little girl almost screamed: You know that’s your sister? Give each other a
kiss, come on, my goodness how cute you are. Gennaro immediately kissed the
girl, who let herself be kissed without protesting, and Melina, seeing the
two faces next to each other, exclaimed: They both take after their father,
they’re identical. After that statement, as if she had urgent things to do,
she tugged her granddaughter and left without another word.
最让人不安的会面，是在她要搬回城区的前几天发生的，虽然当时看起来没什么，但事后对她影响很大。有一次，从家里出去时，我们遇到了梅丽娜，她拉着自己的外孙女玛丽亚的手，这孩子就是艾达和斯特凡诺的女儿。梅丽娜看起来还是那副心不在焉的样子，但她穿得很好，头发也染了，脸上化着浓妆。她认出了我，但没有认出莉拉，或者说，刚开始她只想和我说话。她跟我说话的语气，好像我还是她儿子安东尼奥的女朋友。她说她儿子很快就会从德国回来，在信里，他一直在打听我。我说了很多好听的话，恭维她的头发和衣服，她看起来很高兴。在我夸赞她的外孙女时，她显得更加高兴，那个小女孩很害羞，她拉着外婆的裙子。这时候，她觉得自己应该说詹纳罗的一些好话。她问莉拉：“这是你儿子吗？”只有这时候，她好像才想起莉拉来，之前她一直盯着莉拉，一句话都没有说，她应该想起来：这就是被她女儿抢了丈夫的人。她的眼睛盯着莉拉深陷的眼窝，非常严肃地说：“莉娜，你现在又丑又干巴，难怪斯特凡诺会离开你，男人们喜欢身上有肉的，太瘦了，他们不知道从哪儿下手，他们会离开的。”之后，她的头转了过去，动作有点儿太快，她指着那个小姑娘，几乎是叫喊着对詹纳罗说：“你知道吗，这是你妹妹。你们亲一下，我的天！看看你俩多漂亮。”詹纳罗马上就亲了一下那个小姑娘，然后乖乖地让小姑娘也亲了亲自己。梅丽娜看到两张靠在一起的脸蛋，感叹说：“他们俩都像父亲，简直一模一样。”在下了这个论断之后，她就好像有急事儿要做，就扯着她外孙女，招呼都没有打就走了。
Lila had stood mute the whole time. But I
understood that something extremely violent had happened to her, like the
time when, as a child, she had seen Melina walking on the stradone eating
soap flakes. As soon as the woman and the child were some distance away, she
started, she ruffled her hair with one hand, she blinked, she said: I’ll
become like that. Then she tried to smooth her hair, saying:
在整个过程中，莉拉一句话都没有说。但我明白，她受到了强烈的冲击，就好像小时候那次，她看到梅丽娜一边经过大路一边嚼着买来的软肥皂。那个女人和她的外孙女刚一离开，她忽然抖了一下身体，用一只手把头发揉乱了，眼睛眨了一下说：“我会变成这个样子的。”然后她又理了理头发，嘀咕了一句：
“Did you hear what she said?”
“你听到她说什么了吗？”
“It’s not true that you’re ugly and
skinny.”
“说你又丑又干巴，但这不是真的。”
“Who gives a damn if I’m ugly and skinny,
I’m talking about the resemblance.”
“我又丑又干巴，谁他妈在乎！我是说长得像的事儿。”
“What resemblance?”
“什么长得像？”
“Between the two children. Melina’s
right, they’re both identical to Stefano.”
“两个孩子，梅丽娜说得对，他们俩都和斯特凡诺一模一样。”
“Come on, the girl is, but Gennaro is
different.”
她忽然笑了起来，经过了那么长时间，她又像之前那样，发出邪恶的笑声。她又说了一遍：
She burst out laughing: after a long time
her old, mean laugh was back.
“他们一模一样，简直就像两滴水一样。”
She repeated: “They’re two peas in a
pod.”
-*-
58
我不得不离开了，能为她做的事，我已经做了。现在我自己也快要陷进去了，思考那些没用的事情：比如说谁是詹纳罗的亲生父亲，梅丽娜的眼光到底有多准，还有莉拉脑子里那些秘密的波动，以及她所知道或不知道的事情，或者她猜测出来的事情，她宁可假装相信的事情等等，那些事情让我头晕。趁着恩佐去上班时，我们讨论了这次碰面。我说了一些大家都会说的话：“一个女人总能知道自己的孩子是谁的。”我说，你一直觉得这个儿子是尼诺的，你把他生下来，就因为他是尼诺的，现在因为疯婆子梅丽娜的一句话，你就觉得孩子是斯特凡诺的？她笑了起来，说：“我真是愚蠢，我怎么能没搞清楚呢！”她看起来很高兴。对于我来说，这是无法理解的事儿，最后我不说话了。假如这种新的信念能帮助她痊愈，那太好了。假如这是她精神状况不稳定的另一种表现，我能做什么呢？够了，我的书已经被推广到了法国、西班牙和德国，它们会把它翻译出来。我又在《团结报》上发表了两篇文章，是和女性在坎帕尼亚大区工厂里的工作处境有关的，编辑们都很满意，出版社一直在催我写新小说。总之，我有很多自己的事情要做，我已经在莉拉身上倾注了很多精力，我不能总是围绕着她那些乱七八糟的事情转。在阿黛尔的鼓励下，我在米兰买了一套米色西装，打算在婚礼上穿。那套衣服很适合我，上衣很贴身，下身是短裙。当我在试这件衣服时，心里想的是莉拉，想到了她那件奢华的婚纱，还有裁缝展示在雷蒂费洛区橱窗里的那张照片，这种差别让我觉得自己和她截然不同。她的婚礼和我的婚礼属于两个不同的世界。之前我跟她说过，我不会在教堂里结婚，我不会穿上传统的婚纱，彼得罗只接受一些近亲参加婚礼。
I absolutely had to go. What I could do
for her I had done, now I was in danger of getting caught up in useless
reflections on who the real father of Gennaro was, on how far-*-colored suit
for the wedding, it looked good on me, the jacket was fitted, the skirt
short. When I tried it on I thought of Lila, of her gaudy wedding dress, of
the photograph that the dressmaker had displayed in the shop window on the
Rettifilo, and the contrast made me feel definitively different. Her wedding,
mine: worlds now far apart. I had told her earlier that I wasn’t getting
married in a church, that I wouldn’t wear a traditional wedding dress, that
Pietro had barely agreed to the presence of close relatives.
“为什么？”她问我，但没表现出太大的兴趣。
“Why?” she had asked, but without
particular interest.
“什么为什么？”
“Why what?”
“你们为什么不在教堂里结婚。”
“Why aren’t you getting married in
church.”
“我们不是信徒。”
“We aren’t believers.”
“那上帝的手指，圣灵呢？”她提到了我们小时候一起写的那篇小文章。
“And the finger of God, the Holy Spirit?”
she had quoted, reminding me of the article we had written together as girls.
“我长大了。”
“I’m grown up.”
“你至少要搞一个聚会，邀请一下朋友们。”
“But at least have a party, invite your
friends.”
“彼得罗不愿意。”
“Pietro doesn’t want to.”
“你连我都不请？”
“You wouldn’t invite even me?”
“你会来吗？”
“Would you come?”
她摇了摇头，笑着说：
She laughed, shaking her head.
“不会。”
“No.”
事情就是这样。但在五月初，在彻底离开那不勒斯之前，我决定做最后一件事情，就是去看看加利亚尼老师，这时候发生一些不愉快。我找到了她的电话，给她打了电话。我说我要结婚了，我会去佛罗伦萨生活，我想去看她一下。她没有表现出任何惊喜，也没有很高兴，而是很客气，她让我第二天下午五点去找她。在挂上电话之前，她说：“带上你的朋友莉娜，假如她愿意来的话。”
That was it. But in early May, when I had
decided on a final venture before leaving the city for good, things took an
unpleasant turn concerning my wedding, but not only that. I decided to go and
see Professor Galiani. I looked for her number, I called. I said I was about
to get married, I was going to live in Florence, I wanted to come and say
goodbye to her. She, without surprise, without joy, but politely, invited me
for five o’clock the next day. Before hanging up she said: Bring your friend,
Lina, if you want.
当时，莉拉毫不犹豫就答应了，她把詹纳罗交给恩佐看管。我化了妆，梳好头发，按照从阿黛尔那里学来的品味穿衣服。我帮助莉拉，把她收拾得体面一点，因为要说服她把自己打扮得漂亮一点很难。她想带一些点心，我说那不太合适，我买了一本我的书。尽管我确信加利亚尼老师已经读过了，我这么做，只是想给她写赠言。
Lila in that case didn’t have to be asked
twice, and she left Gennaro with Enzo. I put on makeup, I fixed my hair, I
dressed according to the taste I had developed from Adele, and helped Lila to
at least look respectable, since it was difficult to persuade her to dress
up. She wanted to bring pastries, I said it wasn’t suitable. Instead I bought
a copy of my book, although I assumed that Professor Galiani had read it: I
did it so that I would have a way of inscribing it to her.
我们很准时地到了她家里，摁了门铃，里面一片寂静。我们又摁了摁门铃，是娜迪雅给我开的门，她匆匆忙忙的，有些衣冠不整，不像平时那么客气，就好像我们不但搅乱了她的外表，而且搅乱了她的教养。我解释说，我和她母亲约好的。她不在，娜迪雅说，她让我们坐在客厅里等着，然后就消失了。
We arrived punctually, rang the bell, silence. We rang again. Nadia opened the door, breathless, half dressed, without her usual courtesy, as if we had introduced disorder not only into her appearance but also into her manners. I explained that I had an appointment with her mother. She’s not here, she said, but make yourselves comfortable in the living room. She disappeared.
我和莉拉都没有说话，在寂静的客厅里，我们只是有些尴尬地相互看着，笑了笑。可能过了五分钟，终于听到了走廊里的脚步声，帕斯卡莱出现了，他头发有些凌乱。莉拉没有表现出一点点惊异，我非常惊奇地喊道：“你在这里干什么？”他一本正经、毫不客气地反问：“你们在这里干什么？”这句话改变了当时我们的处境，好像这是他家一样，我不得不给他解释，我和我的老师约好了，我来找她。
We remained mute, but exchanged little
smiles of uneasiness in the silent house. Perhaps five minutes passed,
finally steps could be heard in the hall. Pasquale appeared, slightly
disheveled. Lila didn’t show the least surprise, but I exclaimed, in real astonishment:
What are you doing here? He answered seriously, unfriendly: What are you two
doing here. And the phrase reversed the situation, I had to explain to him,
as if that were his house, that I had an appointment with my professor.
“哈！”他说，然后有些厚颜无耻地问莉拉，“你病好了？”
“Ah,” he said, and asked Lila, teasingly,
“Are you recovered?”
“差不多了。”
“Pretty much.”
“我很高兴。”
“I’m glad.”
我生气了，我替她回答了。我说，莉拉也是现在才好一点儿了，无论如何，索卡沃被好好地教训了一通，那些监察员去了，工厂不得不把该给莉拉的钱全部给了她。
I got angry, I answered for her, I said
that Lila was only now beginning to get better and that anyway the Soccavo
factory had been taught a lesson—the inspectors had paid a visit, the
business had had to pay Lila everything she was owed.
“是吗？”他说，这时候，娜迪雅出现了，她现在拾掇整齐了，好像要出门，“明白了吗？娜迪雅，格雷科女士说，她好好地教训了一下索卡沃。”
“Yes?” he said just as Nadia reappeared,
now immaculate, as if she were going out. “You understand, Nadia? Dottoressa
Greco says she taught Soccavo a lesson.”
我大声说：“不是我。”
I exclaimed: “Not me.”
“不是她，那是上天教训了索卡沃一顿。”娜迪雅微笑了一下，她穿过房间，尽管沙发上有空位子，她还是做了一个优美的动作，坐在了帕斯卡莱的膝盖上。我觉得很不自在，我说：
“Not her, God Almighty taught Soccavo a
lesson.”Nadia gave a slight smile, crossed the room and although there was a
sofa free she sat on Pasquale’s lap. I felt ill at ease.
“我只是想帮助莉娜。”
“I only tried to help Lina.”
帕斯卡莱用一只胳膊抱住了娜迪雅的腰部，对着我感叹了一句：
Pasquale put his arm around Nadia’s
waist, leaned toward me, said:
“很好，这就是说，在这个世界上，在意大利的每个角落，在所有工厂，在所有的工地上，一旦有老板乱来，工人有风险，我们就叫埃莱娜·格雷科来，她会给她的朋友们打电话，给劳动检查员打电话，告诉天堂里的圣人，这事儿就解决了。”
“Excellent. You mean that in all the
factories, at all the construction sites, in every corner of Italy and the
world, as soon as the owner kicks up a fuss and the workers are in danger,
we’ll call Elena Greco: she telephones her friends, the labor authority, her
connections in high places, and resolves the situation.”
他从来都没用过这种语气和我说话，即使是我还是一个小姑娘，觉得他年龄很大，已经俨然一副政治专家的时候，他也没有这样对待过我。我觉得受到了冒犯，我正要回答他，但是娜迪雅插了一句话，就把我排挤在外。她用那种慢悠悠、很嗲的声音，对莉拉说话，就好像和我没什么好说的一样：
He had never spoken to me like that, not
even when I was a girl and he seemed to me already adult, and acted like a
political expert. I was offended, and was about to answer, but Nadia
interrupted, ignoring me. She spoke to Lila, in her slow little voice, as if
it were not worth the trouble to speak to me.
“那些劳动检查员没什么用，莉娜。他们是去了索卡沃的工厂，他们做了记录，但是后来呢？工厂里一切都照旧。这时候，出面的人倒霉了，那些沉默的人会收到几里拉的补偿，警察攻击了我们，那些法西斯分子来到楼下，他们打了阿尔曼多。”
“The labor inspectors don’t count for
anything, Lina. They went to Soccavo, they filled out their forms, but then?
In the factory everything is the same as before. And meanwhile those who
spoke out are in trouble, those who were silent got a few lire under the
counter, the police charged us, and the fascists came right here and beat up
Armando.”
她还没有说完，帕斯卡莱用比刚才更强硬的语气对我说，声音更大了：
She hadn’t finished speaking when
Pasquale started talking to me more harshly than before, this time raising
his voice:
“你跟我们说说，你他妈到底解决了什么问题。”他说这句话的时候，非常痛苦，带着一种真实的失望，“你知道意大利现在的情况吗？你对于阶级斗争有概念吗？”
“Explain to us what the fuck you thought
you resolved,” he said, with genuine pain and disappointment. “You know what
the situation is in Italy? Do you have any idea what the class struggle is?”
“别大喊大叫的，拜托了。”娜迪雅对他说。然后她对着莉拉，几乎是在絮语：“你不应该丢下自己的同伴。”
“Don’t shout, please,” Nadia asked him,
then she turned again to Lila, almost whispering: “Comrades do not abandon
one another.”
莉拉回答说：“无论如何，我们都会失败。”
She answered: “It would have failed
anyway.”
“也就是说？”
“What do you mean?”
“在那里面，靠发传单，或者和法西斯打架是无法取胜了。”
“In that place you don’t win with
leaflets or even by fighting with the fascists.”
“那怎么取胜？”
“How do you win?”
莉拉不说话了，帕斯卡莱这时候对着她，一字一句地说：
Lila was silent, and Pasquale, now
turning to her, hissed:
“要靠动用老板的好朋友吗？不管其他人，得到一点钱就可以了吗？”
“You win by mobilizing the good friends
of the owners? You win by getting a little money and screwing everyone else?”
我这时候忍不住说：“帕斯卡莱，别这样，”我在不由自主也抬高了嗓门，“你说这些话，是什么意思？事情不是这样的。”
Then I burst out: “Pasquale, stop it.”
Involuntarily I, too, raised my voice. “What kind of tone is that? It wasn’t
like that.”
尽管我脑子里一片空白，不知道要怎么组织语言，但我想解释，想让他闭嘴，唯一一句在我嘴边的话，在政治上是行不通的，那就是：“你为什么这样对我，你现在可以把手放在这位有钱人家的大小姐身上，你就觉得自己了不起了？”但这时候，莉拉用一句出人预料的、不耐烦的话阻止了我，让我非常迷惑。她说：
I wanted to explain, silence him, even
though I felt an emptiness in my head, I didn’t know what arguments to resort
to, and the only concept that occurred to me readily was malicious and
politically useless: You treat me like this because, now that you’ve got your
hands on this young lady from a good family, you’re full of yourself? But
Lila, here, stopped me with a completely unexpected gesture of irritation,
which confused me. She said:
“别说了！莱农，他们说得对。”
“That’s enough, Lenù, they’re right.”
我觉得很难过，他们说得对？我想反击，我想对她发火，她到底想说什么？但这时候，加利亚尼老师回来了，能听到楼道里响起了她的脚步声。
I was upset. They were right? I wanted to
respond, to get angry at her. What did she mean? But just then Professor
Galiani arrived: her footsteps could be heard in the hall.
-*-
59
我希望老师没有听到我的叫喊。这时候，我等着娜迪雅赶紧从帕斯卡莱的膝盖上下来，坐到沙发上，我也希望看到他们俩为自己的掩饰感到尴尬，我注意到，莉拉也一脸嘲讽地看着他们。但他们还保留原来的姿势，娜迪雅用一只胳膊搂住了帕斯卡莱的脖子，就好像担心自己会掉下去。她对出现在门口的母亲说：“下次你有客人的时候，事先通知我一下。”老师没有理会她，只是冷冰冰地对我们说：“对不起，我回来晚了，我们去我的书房吧。”我们跟着她进去了，帕斯卡莱把娜迪雅推开了一点，忽然用一种突然变得沮丧的语气说：“走吧，我们去那边。”
I hoped that the professor hadn’t heard
me shouting. But at the same time I wanted to see Nadia jump off Pasquale’s
lap and hurry over to the sofa, I wished to see both of them humiliated by
the need to pretend an absence of intimacy. I noticed that Lila, too, looked
at them sardonically. But they stayed where they were; Nadia, in fact, put an
arm around Pasquale’s neck, as if she were afraid of falling, and said to her
mother, who had just appeared in the doorway: Next time, tell me if you’re
having visitors. The professor didn’t answer, she turned to us coldly: I’m
sorry I was late, let’s sit in my study. We followed her, while Pasquale
moved Nadia off him, saying in a tone that seemed to me suddenly depressed:
Come on, let’s go.
加利亚尼给我们带路，在走廊里，她很气愤地嘟囔了一句：“我最讨厌粗鲁的行为。”然后，她把我们带到了一个宽敞的房间里，里面有一张老写字台，摆着很多书，还有一些风格很庄重、带垫的椅子。她用一种温和客气的语气对我们说话，但很明显，她在和自己的坏心情做斗争。她说，她很高兴看到我和莉拉，话虽这么说，但我听到她字里行间的愤怒，我期望能早点儿离开。我说，我那么长时间没出现，我对她表示道歉。我用有点急促的方式说到了学业的辛苦，我出版的那本书，还有我要应对的各种事情：订婚、迫在眉睫的婚礼等等。
Professor Galiani led us along the hall
muttering irritably: What really bothers me is the boorishness. We entered an
airy room with an old desk, a lot of books, sober, cushioned chairs. She
assumed a polite tone, but it was clear that she was struggling with a bad
mood. She said she was happy to see me and to see Lila again; yet at every
word, and between the words, I felt her rage increasing, and I wanted to
leave as quickly as possible. I apologized for not having come to see her,
and went on somewhat breathlessly about studying, the book, the innumerable
things that had overwhelmed me, my engagement, my approaching marriage.
“你是在教堂结婚，还是民政局结婚？”
“Are you getting married in church or
only in a civil service?”
“只是在民政局。”
“Only a civil service.”
“很好。”
“Good for you.”
她看着莉拉，想让她也加入我们的谈话。
She turned to Lila, to draw her into the
conversation:
“您是在教堂举办的婚礼吧？”
“You were married in church?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“您是信徒吗？”
“Are you a believer?”
“不是。”
“No.”
“那您为什么要在教堂结婚？”
“Then why did you get married in church?”
“大家都是那么办的。”
“That’s what’s done.”
“不应该看别人怎么做，自己就怎么做。”
“You don’t always have to do things just
because they’re done.”
“很多人都是那么办的。”
“We do a lot of them.”
“您会去参加埃莱娜的婚礼吗？”
“Will you go to Elena’s wedding?”
“她没邀请我。”
“She didn’t invite me.”
我马上反驳说：
I was startled, I said right away:
“这不是真的。”
“It’s not true.”
莉拉坏笑了一下说：
Lila laughed harshly:
“是真的，她怕我给她丢脸。”
“It’s true, she’s ashamed of me.”
她是开玩笑的语气，但我还是很受伤。发生了什么事儿？为什么她之前在娜迪雅和帕斯卡莱的面前说我错了，现在又在老师面前说这样讨厌的话？
Her tone was ironic, but I felt wounded
anyway. What was happening to her? Why had she said earlier, in front of
Nadia and Pasquale, that I was wrong, and now was making that hostile remark
in front of the professor?
“胡说。”为了让自己平静下来，我从包里拿出了自己的小说，我把书递给了加利亚尼老师，说：“我想把这个带给您。”她没拿正眼看那本书，可能想着自己的事儿，她对我表示感谢。她说她已经有一本了，然后把书还给我，问我：
“Nonsense,” I said, and to calm down I
took the book out of my bag and handed it to Professor Galiani, saying: I
wanted to give you this. She looked at it for a moment without seeing it,
perhaps following her own thoughts, then she thanked me, and saying that she
already had a copy, gave it back:
“你丈夫是做什么的？”
“What does your husband do?”
“他在佛罗伦萨教拉丁语文学。”
“He’s a professor of Latin literature in
Florence.”
“他比你大很多吧？”
“Is he a lot older than you?”
“他二十七岁。”
“He’s twenty-seven.”
“这么年轻，已经在大学担任教职了？”
“So young, already a professor?”
“他很厉害。”
“He’s very smart.”
“他叫什么名字？”
“What’s his name?”
“彼得罗·艾罗塔。”
“Pietro Airota.”
加利亚尼老师很仔细地端详着我，就好像在学校里，她问了我一个问题，我给出的答案不够全面。
Professor Galiani looked at me
attentively, like when I was at school and I gave an answer that she
considered incomplete.
“他是圭多·艾罗塔的亲戚？”
“Relative of Guido Airota?”
“是他的儿子。”
“He’s his son.”
她笑了一下，明显带着恶意。
She smiled with explicit malice.
“很好的婚姻。”
“Good marriage.”
“我们很相爱。”
“We love each other.”
“你已经开始写另一本书了吗？”
“Have you already started another book?”
“我正在写。”
“I’m trying.”
“我看到你在《团结报》上写的文章。”
“I saw that you’re writing for l’Unità.”
“写得不多。”
“A bit.”
“我已经不在上面写文章了，现在它成了官僚的报纸。”
“I don’t write for it anymore, it’s a
newspaper of bureaucrats.”
她又对着莉拉说话，好像要想尽一切办法表达对她的友好。她对莉拉说：
She turned again to Lila, she seemed to
want to let her know how much she liked her. She said to her:
“你在工厂里做的事情，很了不起。”
“It’s remarkable what you did in the
factory.”
莉拉做了一个厌烦的表情。
Lila grimaced in annoyance.
“我什么都没有做。”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“这不是真的。”
“That’s not true.”
加利亚尼老师站了起来，在写字台上的文件里翻了翻，给她展示了几页纸，就好像那是不容置辩的证据。
The professor got up, rummaged through
the papers on the desk, and showed her some pages as if they were an
incontrovertible truth.
“娜迪雅把这些稿子随便丢在家里，我看了一下。这是一篇充满勇气、很新颖的东西，写得很好。我想在见到你时跟你说一说。”
“Nadia left this around the house and I
took the liberty of reading it. It’s a courageous, new work, very well
written. I wanted to see you so that I could tell you that.”
她手上拿的就是莉拉写的那几页纸，就是根据这些材料，我给《团结报》写了第一篇文章。
She was holding in her hand the pages
that Lila had written, and from which I had taken my first article for
l’Unità.
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