Reflection

I may have told my friends hundreds of reason why I like you.

But when you asked, I barely could say any.

I think and think again.

I realised that I probably will never really be with someone I truly like.

And I figured what 'love' really means here.

It doesn't mean that I'd be with this person as what we think it should be.

It's something rather vague, spiritual, illusory, vain, untouchable, unrealistic, or you could say, it's all just in my mind.

It's pure torment.

It's not so much relevant to "whether it works". To "make it work" does not need much of 'love', but about luck, about timing, and about mutual agreement. It's just like what I said, a business negotiation.

We've only known each other for 3 months, seen each other for possibly 1.5 months. We haven't done much at all. How can this be 'love'?

But I know how strong this feeling is. I keep reminiscing and reminiscing, and the feelings I have now, I'm more sure about the fact that, I like you, and this feeling is strong.

I'm surprised by my ability of having such feeling again and again towards someone who seems not right or event not possible. This ability to love, I guess is also very precious, and I'm not ashamed of it.

It might only be a fantasy, might be something harmful. But at this moment I just know that I want to see you, very very much. I miss you.

The very short moments we had together, have been the clearest scenes in my head, clearer and brighter than any unforgettable film scenes I saw recently.

It's a shame that I will never have the chance to share this feeling with you, not even if we happen to see each other again, I will never be able to tell.

Because the truth is, such feeling is only allowed to be kept for yourself, in this pathetic world right?

I don't know how you'd feel or react if you know that someone in the world, have developed such feeling for you, and she's just 15 mins away by bike. And you'll never see or talk with each other anymore. How funny and ironic that is, just to think about it.

In these days I smoked and drank a lot. It's nothing good but only if it would make me feel better, calmer and soberer.

It's a good thing that you cut off everything in that rainy night. Because we are not meant to be together, not even in another year. Once I've grown these things in my mind we become two parallel lines, can only keep on our own ways in the same dimension and space.

Perhaps your appearance in my life was just to give me clearer, deeper and thorough self-cognition, that who I am, how I function, what works for me, and where I should go. But I know if this happens again, the 'sense' might still be defeated by the 'sensibility'.

In the end, I found love is nothing amazing and sweet, it's all about self-control, tactics, pessimism, and self-torment.

But to have such feelings to someone isn't wrong, nothing is wrong here. I am allowed to have feelings to anyone I like. The only comfort is that I can still be doing this, in my secret inner world.

It's better if you don't know it at all.

I know I just don't want to surrender to the fact that I can only truly be with someone that I'm not that into, that everything would be easier, and lasts longer.

For now, I'd rather have you in my mind, and try to reconcile with myself until I'm back to functional completely.

"Life is a sum of all your choices." Well said Camus.