Jewish Jokes

1. The Top Hat

Schwartz is sitting in his room, wearing only a top hat, when Steinberg strolls in.
“Why are you sitting here naked?”
“It’s all right,” says Schwartz. “Nobody comes to visit.”
“But why the hat?”
“Maybe somebody will come.”

2. You Don’t Look Jewish

A woman on a train walked up to a man across the table. “Excuse me,” she said, “but are you Jewish?”
“No,” replied the man.
A few minutes later the woman returned. “Excuse me,” she said again, “are you sure you’re not Jewish?”
“I’m sure,” said the man.
But the woman was not convinced, and a few minutes later she approached him a third time. “Are you absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?” she asked.
“All right, all right,” the man said. “You win. I’m Jewish.”
“That’s funny,” said the woman.” You don’t look Jewish.”

3. Rain in Chelm

Two men of Chelm went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain.
“Quick,” said one. “Open your umbrella.”
“It won’t help,” said his friend. “My umbrella is full of holes.”
“Then why did you bring it?”
“I didn’t think it would rain!”

4. The Riddle

A man in Chelm once thought up a riddle that nobody could answer: “What’s purple, hangs on the wall and whistles?”
When everybody gave up, he announced the answer: a white fish.
“A white fish?” people said. “A white fish isn’t purple.”
“Nu,” replied the jokester, “this white fish was painted purple.”
“But hanging on a wall? Who ever heard of a white fish that hung on a wall?”
“Aha! But this white fish was hung on the wall.”
“But a white fish doesn’t whistle,” somebody shouted.
“Nu, so it doesn’t whistle.”

5. Our Luck

Two Jews sat in a coffeehouse, discussing the fate of their people.
“How miserable is our history,” said one. “Pogroms, plagues, discrimination, Hitler, Neo-Nazis…Sometimes I think we’d be better off if we’d never been born.”
“Sure,” said his friend. “But who has that much luck — maybe one in 50,000?”

6. Hoodlums

Two Jews are walking through a neighborhood one evening when they notice they are being followed by a pair of hoodlums.
“David,” say his friend, “we better get out of here. There are two of them, and we’re alone!”

7. The Terrifying Rumor

In a small village in Poland, a terrifying rumor was spreading: A Christian girl had been found murdered.
Fearing retaliation, the Jewish community gathered in the shul to plan whatever defensive actions were possible under the circumstances.
Just as the emergency meeting was being called to order, in ran the president of the synagogue, out of breath and all excited. “Brothers,” he cried out, “I have wonderful news! The murdered girl is Jewish!”

8. The Census

The census taker comes to the Goldman house.
“Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks.
“No,” replies Goldman.
“Well, then, what is your name?”
“Louis Goldman.”
“Wait a minute–didn’t you just tell me that Goldman doesn’t live here?”
“Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?”

9. The Converts

Three Jews who had recently converted to Christianity were having a drink together in a posh restaurant.
They started talking about the reasons for their conversions.
“I converted out of love,” said the first. “Not for Christianity, but for a Christian girl.
As you both know, my wife insisted that I convert.”
“And I,” said the second, “I converted in order to rise in the legal system.
You probably know that my recent appointment as a federal judge may have had something to do with my new religion.”
The third man spoke up: “I converted because I think that the teachings of Christianity are superior to those of Judaism.”
“Are you kidding?” said the first man, spitting out his drink.
“What do you take us for, a couple of goyim?”

10. Manure

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a Southern farmer with a wagon.
“Good afternoon,” says Schwartz.
“Afternoon,” says the farmer.
“Where you headed?” asks Schwartz.
“Town.”
“What do you have in the wagon?”
“Manure.”
“Manure, eh? What do you do with it?”
“I spread it over the fruit.”
“Well,” says Bernstein, “you should come over here for lunch someday. We use sour cream.”

11. Lightbulbs

How many Zionists does it take to replace a light bulb?
Four: One to stay home and convince others to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in and a fourth to proclaim that the entire Jewish people stands behind their actions.

12. Richest Man in Town

At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger saw a woman crying very loudly.
The stranger said, “Are you a relative of the deceased?”
“No.”
“Then why are you crying?”
“That’s why!”

13. Showing Up Late

Bernstein walks into work one day at 9. He is very late The boss is furious.
“You should have been here at 8:30!” he shouts.
“Why?” says Shapiro. “What happened at 8:30?”

14. Public Toilets

Bloomberg, on a business trip, found himself using a public toilet. He had just made himself comfortable
when he noticed that the toilet paper roll was empty.
He called out to the next stall, “Excuse me, friend, but do you have any toilet paper in there?”
“No, I’m afraid there doesn’t seem to be any here, either.”
Bloomberg paused for a moment. “Listen, he said, do you happen to have a newspaper or a magazine with you?”
“Sorry, I don’t.”
Bloomberg paused again, and then said, “How about two fives for a ten?”

15. Charity

The rabbi was angry about the amount of money his congregants were giving to charity. He prayed that the rich should give more charity to the poor.
“And has your prayer been answered?” asked his wife.
“Half of it was,” replied the rabbi. “The poor are willing to accept the money.”

16. Divorce

My wife divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn’t have any!

17. 34 Years

I’ve been married for 34 years, and I’m still in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, I’ll be in big trouble!

18. Cheating

Feinstein returned home from a business trip to discover that his wife had cheated on him
“Who was it?” he roared. “That bastard Wolf?”
“No,” replied his wife. “It wasn’t Wolf.”
“Was it Green, that creep?”
“No, it wasn’t him.”
“I know — it must have been that idiot Sherman.”
“No, it wasn’t Sherman, either.”
Feinstein was furious. “Whatsa matter?” he cried. “None of my friends is good enough for you?”

19. The Hospital Visit

An old man is struck by a car and brought to the hospital. A nurse enters his room and says, “Sir, are you comfortable?”
The old man replies, “I make a nice living.”

20. The Million-Dollar Question for God

A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, “God, what is a million years to you?”
God replies, “My son, a million years to you is like a second to me.”
The man asks, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”
God replies, “My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me.”
The man asks, “So God, can I have a million dollars?”
And God replies, “In a second.”

21. The Concert Hall

A visitor to Israel attends a performance of the Israeli Philharmonic in the Schechter Concert Hall.
Impressed by its architecture and the acoustics, he turns to his neighbor during the intermission and asks, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Aryeh Schechter, the famous Talmudic scholar?”
“No, it’s named after Mike Schechter, the writer.”
“Oh, I haven’t heard of him. What did he write?”
“A check.”

22. That’s a Lot of Pills!

Mrs. Goldberg hasn’t been feeling well, so she goes to the doctor. He listens to her extensive list of concerns, performs the examination, and returns with three bottles of pills.
“When you wake up, please take 3 green pills with a big glass of water. Then take 4 blue pills with a big glass of water before lunch, and then 2 more blue pills with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take 5 red pills with another big glass of water.”
“That’s a lot of pills! Doctor, be honest with me. What exactly is my diagnosis?”
“You don’t drink enough water.”

23. Business Experience

Diamond runs into his pal Goldberg at the mall.
“Goldberg, it’s been months! How’s that new company going with Silverman?”
“Well, like I told you we formed it, I put in the money and Silverman put in the business experience. Since then, things have changed.”
“Changed? What do you mean?”
“Now Silverman has the money and I have the business experience.”

24. Back in the U.S.S.R.

In the 1970s, a Red Army school inspector questions a boy in class.
“Who is your father?”
“The Soviet Union.”
“Who is your mother?”
“The communist party.”
“And what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“I want to be a worker for the glory of the state and the party.”
The inspector then points to one of the girls.
“Who is your father?”
“The Soviet Union.”
“Who is your mother?”
“The communist party.”
“And what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“A heroine of the Soviet Union raising many children for the state and the party.”
The inspector spots a Jewish boy in the back of the classroom trying to lay low.
“What’s your name?”
“Shmuly Rabinovich.”
“Who is your father?”
“The Soviet Union.”
“Who is your mother?”
“The communist party.”
“And what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“An orphan.”

25. Sam Goes To Church

Sam goes on a business trip to a new city and can’t find a synagogue. He figures God is everywhere, so he enters a church for morning prayers. He takes a seat in the back, puts on his prayer shawl and tefillin, and starts praying silently.
The priest enters, observes the whispering of his congregants and steps up to the front of the room.
“Good morning. Before we begin, I’d like to request that all non-Catholics please leave.”
Sam keeps rocking back and forth, deep in his prayers.
“Will all non-Catholics please leave!”
No response from Sam. Everyone looks to see what the priest will do.
“Will all JEWS please LEAVE NOW!”
Sam finishes praying, stows his prayer shawl and tefillin in their bags, and walks to the front of the room. He passes the priest without saying a word and approaches the altar, where he picks up a statue of baby Jesus.
“Come bubbela, they don’t want us here anymore.”

26. Tell Me Something Positive

Esther and Shmuly Rothenberg are getting ready for bed. Esther stares at her reflection in a full-length mirror.
All I see in this mirror is an old woman. Wrinkles, bags under my eyes, fat on my legs, flab on my arms. Shmuly, tell me something positive so I can feel better about myself.”
Shmuly considers this for a long moment and then says thoughtfully, “Well, Esther, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
Services for Shmuly Rothenberg will be held Tuesday morning at Sinai Memorial Chapel.

27. Who Said My Father Died?

Yitzy visits the doctor for his annual check-up.
“Yitzy, you’re in terrific shape for a 60-year-old. You have the body of a 35 year old. Tell me, how old was your father when he died?”
“Who said my father died?”
“Wow! How old is he, and is he active?”
“Dad’s 82 and skis or surfs three times a week.”
“Amazing! How old was your grandfather when he died?”
“Who said my grandfather died?”
“You’re kidding. How old is he, and is he active?”
“Grandpa is 102, still skis and surfs, and he’s getting married again.”
“Why on earth would a 102-year-old want to get married again?”
“Who said he wanted to? His mother pressured him into it!”

28. The Praying Parrot

Yankel bought a parrot, hoping it might learn to say a few words. The next morning, he found the bird on the eastern side of its cage, rocking back and forth, mumbling. Stooping to listen, Yankel was shocked to hear his new parrot praying in Hebrew.
“You’re Jewish?!”
“Of course. Modern Orthodox. Are we going to shul on Rosh Hashanah?”
“You want me to take you to synagogue?! This is unbelievable. Is this some kind of secret? Can I tell my friends about you?”
“Tell anyone you want. Now let me finish davening.”
Yankel immediately started bragging about his Jewish parrot. No one believed him, so he started taking bets. By Rosh Hashanah he had a thousand dollars riding on the bird.
On the Day of Judgement, Yankel proudly set his parrot in front of the room. Everyone stared, even the rabbi, who bet twenty bucks against any parrot praying.
Yankel urged it to pray. People started chuckling around the room.
The parrot clucked a few times like any bird of its kind, but it didn’t pray. Yankel lost a thousand bucks.
Back at home, Yankel grabbed the parrot by its scrawny neck.
“Now you better start praying, you little twit! You humiliated me! You’re a dead bird!”
“Don’t be a shmuck, Yankel! Yom Kippur’s next week. Everyone looks forward all year to the cantor singing Kol Nidrei on Yom Kippur. Tell everyone I’ll sing Kol Nidrei.”
“Why would I do that?! You didn’t even pray in shul today!”
“Exactly. Think of the odds you’ll get!”

29. Shoe Repair

Going through an old drawer, Yankel found a 40-year-old ticket for shoe repair. He remembered bringing in his third best dress shoes for new heels and realized he’d forgotten all about them.
“I wonder if old Goldberg is still repairing shoes? I haven’t been in that neighborhood in ages!” So Yankel drove over, and to his amazement, Goldberg’s Shoe Repair was still there, with old Mr. Goldberg working behind the counter.
Yankel figured his shoes were long gone, but it couldn’t hurt to ask, so he walked in, greeted Mr. Goldberg, and showed him the 40-year-old ticket.
“Any chance you still have the shoes?”
“Let me check.”
Old Goldberg toddled off into the back. A minute later, he called out, “Here they are!”
“Wow, this guy is amazing,” thought Yankel.
Old Goldberg came back out, and handed the ticket back to Yankel.
“They’ll be ready on Tuesday.”

30. Two Beggars Sit Outside The Vatican…

Two beggars are sitting outside the Vatican. One displays a large cross, the other a Jewish star.
The beggar with the cross has a cup overflowing with money, while the Jewish beggar has only a few coins.
A priest walks by and notices the disparity. He approaches the Jewish beggar.
“Excuse me, but you do realize this is the center of the Catholic world? You’ll never raise money with that Star of David on your cup.”
The beggar with the star turns to the one with the cross and says, “Moishe, look who’s teaching us about marketing!”

31. Einstein’s Theory of Relativity

Few people understand what Einstein discovered. Even fewer understood it while he lived.
A crusty old Jew from the old country once asked his grandson what all the fuss was about.
“Professor Einstein is the greatest living scientist,” his grandson replied.
“This I have heard, but what did he invent?”
“The Theory of Relativity.”
“And you do what with it?”
“It’s pretty complicated, Grandpa.”
“It wasn’t complicated getting away from the Nazis? Tell it to me!”
“Let me put it this way… if a guy’s girlfriend sits on his lap, an hour feels like a minute. But if the same guy sits on a hot stove, a minute feels like an hour. That’s the Theory of Relativity.”
“Hmph. And from this your Einstein makes a living?”

32. A Rabbi, A Hindu Priest, And A Politician Went Hiking

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.
They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.
The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”
The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.”
The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.
“So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.”
The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn.
The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.
“So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.”
The politician said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.”
The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.

33. The Aisle Seat

Old Sid Finkel was very particular about air travel. He specifically asked the airline for a window seat. When the time came to check in, however, he was given an aisle seat. All his complaints met with, “Sorry sir, there’s nothing we can do.”
During the entire trip, he fidgeted, squirmed and kvetched. When the plane landed Syd went straight to customer service.
“I specifically asked for a window seat! I got hit by the drink cart. There was a man snoring across the aisle. A child spilled juice on me. It was miserable! Now I specifically asked for a window seat when I purchased the ticket and your airline told me I would get one. But see! Look at my boarding pass. Aisle seat.”
“I’m very sorry, sir. Did you by any chance try to trade seats with the person sitting next to you?”
“That was impossible!”
“Why, sir?”
“Because there was nobody in that seat!”

34. Napoleon’s Jewish Commander

After winning a battle that vastly expanded his empire, Napoleon summoned his commanders to a celebration.
“Gentlemen, today I reward your courage! Ask and it shall be granted!”
The Bavarian commander said, “Autonomy for Bavaria!”
“So it shall be!”
The Slovakian commander said, “Liberty for Slovakia!”
“So it shall be!”
And so it went for the Arabian and the Ukrainian generals.
Finally, the commander of the Jewish legion stepped forward.
“And what for you, my loyal friend?”
“I would like a cup of hot coffee with milk and no sugar, two bagels with cream cheese, and some lox on the side.”
“Bring my friend his breakfast immediately!”
As the Jewish commander sat down to eat, the other commanders gaped in amazement.
“You fool!” said the Bavarian commander. “Why make such a stupid request? You could have asked for a nation, or riches and power! Why waste your wish on bagels?”
“At least I got what I asked for.”

35. Shlomo, Why Are You Reading An Arab Newspaper?

We have to laugh during tough times, because that’s what Jews do.
Shlomo is on the train reading a newspaper, when his friend Mendel walks in.
“Shlomo, why on earth are you reading an Arab paper?”
“When I read the Jewish papers, all I find is Jews under attack, synagogues under attack, Israel under attack. But when I read the Arab papers, what do I find? Jews control the media, Jews control the government, Jews rule the world. Mendel, the news is much better!”

36. An Anti-Semite Walks Into A Bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn’t like it.
“Bartender! A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!”
Everyone except the Jewish man receives a glass of premium scotch.
The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.
The Jew smiles back.
The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.
“Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, and a burger!”
He looks directly at the Jew and adds, “Everyone except the Jew.”
The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.
Furious, the anti-semite says to the bartender, “Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?”
“Oh no, sir, he’s the owner.”

37. Leaving Moscow with Lenin

An old Jewish man finally got his visa to leave the USSR and emigrate to Israel. At the Moscow airport, a customs official found his bust of Lenin.
“What is that?”
“WHAT is that?! You mean WHO is that?! That is Lenin, the genius who created our worker’s paradise!”
The Soviet official chuckled and let the old man through.
When the old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.
“What is that?”
“WHAT is that?! You mean WHO is that?! That is Lenin, the son-of-a-b*tch! I will display him over my toilet for all the years he stopped me from coming home!”
The Israeli official laughed and let him through.
When the old man arrived at his family’s house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
“Who is that?”
“WHO is that?! You mean WHAT is that?! THAT, my child, is eight pounds of gold!”

38. A Rabbi In Line To Enter Heaven

A rabbi dies and finds himself waiting in line to enter Heaven. The guy ahead of him has a shaved head, gold chains, leather jacket, and shades.
The angel Gabriel asks the bald guy, “Name and occupation?”
“Rafi Eskenazy, taxi driver.”
Gabriel checks his list and smiles. “Shalom aleichem! Silk robe, gold staff. Welcome to Heaven!”
Next comes the rabbi.
“Name and occupation?”
The rabbi draws himself up with great dignity and says, “Avraham Baruch Cohen, Senior Rabbi of Beth Jacob Synagogue for 37 years.”
Gabriel checks his list and nods, “Yup. Cotton robe, wooden staff. Keep it moving please.”
“Hold it,” says Rabbi Cohen, “the man before me was a taxi driver. Why does he get special attention?”
“Up here, it’s all about results,” says Gabriel. “When you sermonized, people slept. When he drove, people prayed.”

39. Two Burglars Come Down A Chimney…

A young man knocks on the door of a great Talmudic scholar.
“Rabbi, I wish to study Talmud.”
“Do you know Aramaic?”
“No.”
“Hebrew?”
“No.”
“Have you ever studied Torah?”
“No, Rabbi, but I graduated from Harvard summa cum laude in philosophy, and received a PhD from Yale. I’d like to round out my education with a bit of Talmud.”
“I doubt that you are ready for Talmud. It is the broadest and deepest of books. If you wish, however, I will examine you in logic, and if you pass the test I will teach you Talmud.”
“Good. I’m well versed in logic.”
“First question. Two burglars come down a chimney. One emerges with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”
”The burglar with the dirty face.”
“Wrong. The one with the clean face. Examine the logic. The burglar with a dirty face looks at the one with a clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with a clean face looks at the burglar with a dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So the one with the clean face washes.”
“Very clever. Another question please.”
“Two burglars come down a chimney. One emerges with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”
“We established that. The burglar with the clean face washes.”
“Wrong. Both wash. Examine the logic. The one with a dirty face thinks his face is clean. The one with a clean face thinks his face is dirty. So the burglar with a clean face washes. When the one with a dirty face sees him washing, however, he realizes his face must be dirty too. Thus both wash.”
“I didn’t think of that. Please ask me another.”
“Two burglars come down a chimney. One emerges with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”
“Well, we know both wash.”
“Wrong. Neither washes. Examine the logic. The one with the dirty face thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face thinks his face is dirty. But when clean-face sees that dirty-face doesn’t bother to wash, he also doesn’t bother. So neither washes. As you can see, you are not ready for Talmud.”
“Rabbi, please, give me one more test.”
“Two burglars come down a chimney. One emerges with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”
“Neither!”
“Wrong. And perhaps now you will see why Harvard and Yale cannot prepare you for Talmud. Tell me, how is it possible that two men come down the same chimney, and one emerges with a clean face, while the other has a dirty face?”
“But you’ve just given me four contradictory answers to the same question! That’s impossible!”
“No, my son, that’s Talmud.”

40. A Pauper and his Brother knocked on Baron Rothschild’s Door…

Chutzpah is…
A certain pauper and his brother visited the famous Jewish philanthropist Baron Rothschild every month.
Each would receive 5 pounds. The brother died, and the next month the pauper came alone.
Rothschild’s secretary handed him the usual 5 pounds.
“You’ve made a mistake. I get 5 for me and 5 for my brother.”
“Your brother died. This is your 5.”
“What do you mean?” exclaimed the pauper, as he drew himself up indignantly. “Am I my brother’s heir, or is Rothschild?”

41. The Coming Flood

As a result of climate change, a new flood is predicted by the world’s top scientists. They announce it will be horrendous, wiping out over 70 percent of the world’s population.
And it will happen in four days.
To comfort the people of the world, the Pope, the Dalai Lama and the Chief Rabbi of Israel appear on TV.
The Pope says, “My children, there is still time to accept Jesus as your savior.”
The Dalai Lama says, “I ask all of you to follow Buddhist teachings, so that you may find inner peace in the midst of disaster.”
The Chief Rabbi says, “My people, we have four days to learn how to live underwater!”

42. The Rabbi’s Watch

Naughty little Benny stole the Rabbi’s gold watch.
That night he couldn’t sleep, so the next morning he went to the Rabbi’s office before school.
“Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.”
“Benny, that’s a big sin. Return it to the owner immediately.”
“Do you want it?”
“No, I said return it to its owner.”
“But he doesn’t want it.”
“Ah, in that case, you can keep it.”

43. Lady, I’m Not A Nice Man

She hurried into the pharmacy, got the medicine, and hustled back to the car. Only then did she realize she’d locked her keys inside.
“Oh no!”
Not giving up, she looked around for a tool.
“Aha!”
She spotted a rusty coat hanger. She tried to open the door. Failed.
“I don’t know how to do this. God, please, please, please send help!”
A moment later, a scraggly biker pulled up.
“Lady, you need a hand?”
“Yes! My daughter is sick. I have the medicine, but I locked my keys in the car. Can you open it with this hanger?”
“Sure.”
Nine seconds later, the car was open.
“Thank You, God, for sending such a nice man!”
“Lady, I’m not a nice man. I got out of prison yesterday. I did three years for car theft.”
She gave the man a hug.
“And thank You, God, for sending a professional!”

44. The Brisket

A young mother is preparing brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner. Her little daughter watches with interest as she slices off the ends of the brisket before placing it in the roasting pan.
“Mom, why do you cut off the ends?”
“You know, I’m not sure. This is the way Grandma always did it. Let’s call her and ask.”
“Hi, Sweetheart!”
“Hi, Mom. We were just wondering why you cut off the ends of the brisket before roasting?”
“Hmm. To be honest, I’m not sure. Let’s all go visit my mother and ask her.”
“Oh, what a joy! My daughter, granddaughter and great-grand-daughter all on the same day!”
“Mom, we were just wondering why you cut off the ends of the brisket before roasting?”
“Well, I don’t know why you do it, but I never had a pan that was big enough!”

45. If The Man Who Found This Is A Liar And A Thief

A poor Jew finds a money clip with $700 in it. At his synagogue, he reads a notice saying that a wealthy congregant lost his money clip and is offering a $100 reward for it. He spots the owner and gives him the clip.
The rich man counts the money and says, “I see you already took your reward.”
The poor man answers, “What?”
“This clip had $800 in it when I lost it.”
They begin arguing, and eventually come before the rabbi.
Both state their case. The rich man concludes by saying, “Rabbi, I trust you believe me.”
The rabbi says, “Of course,” and the rich man smiles. The poor man is crushed.
Then the rabbi hands the clip to the poor man.
“What are you doing?!” yells the rich man.
The rabbi answers, “You are, of course, an honest man, and you say the clip you lost had $800 in it. Therefore I’m sure it did. But if the man who found this clip is a liar and a thief, he wouldn’t have returned it at all. Which means that this clip must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he’ll get the money. Until then, it belongs to the man who found it.”
“What about my money?” the rich man asks.
“Well, we’ll just have to wait until somebody finds a clip with $800 in it…”

46. The Complaining Congregant

During his first service leading the community, the new rabbi noticed an older congregant walk over to the synagogue president and demand rather loudly that the air conditioning be turned down because it was too cold.
The president nodded kindly and took care of it.
Just a few prayers later, the same congregant asked the president to have the air conditioning turned up because it was too hot.
Not long after, it was too cold for the congregant, and then too hot, etc. all morning long.
The president always nodded kindly and took care of it.
After services, the new rabbi said to the president, “I was very impressed with your patience in handling the individual who kept complaining about the air conditioner.
“It’s no big deal. We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

47. A 3,000 Year Old Mummy

A famous Israeli archaeologist was digging in the Negev when he discovered a mummy – a highly unusual occurrence.
He immediately called the head of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
“I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy who died of heart failure!”
“Bring him in. We’ll have him examined.”
A week later, the archaeologist was called in.
“You were right about the mummy’s age and his cause of death. How on earth did you know?”
“My friend, I have 35 years’ experience. And he was holding a parchment that said 10,000 shekels on Goliath.”

48. Dear Lord, Lend Me Strength To…

“Dear Lord, so far today, I haven’t gossiped, haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent.
“Thank you, Lord, for lending me the strength to do that.
“But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to need a lot more help, because I’m getting out of bed…”

49. Shabbat With The Mayor

In an effort to better understand his Jewish constituents, the Mayor reached out to a popular Rabbi.
The Rabbi invited the Mayor to spend Shabbat at his home.
The Rabbi made Kiddush (blessing) Friday night on a full cup of wine.
After the fish, they made a l’chaim (a toast to life) on some fine Scotch.
The main course came with Israeli wine.
They said grace after meal with another cup of wine.
The next day they made Kiddush on wine at the synagogue.
After the service, they ate crackers with herring and made a few l’chaims on schnapps.
They went home and the Rabbi made Kiddush for his family on another cup of wine, some l’chaim after fish, a nice single malt with the cholent (stew) and some more wine for grace after the meal.
And then when it got dark, another cup of wine for Havdalah (end of Shabbat).
The Mayor said to the Rabbi, “I had a wonderful time! Thank you for sharing Shabbat with me. I still don’t get why you can’t turn the lights off, but I do understand why you don’t drive!”

50. Praying for Rain

Once in the old country, it hadn’t rained for months. Hunger was setting in, and the villagers were getting desperate.
The Rabbi decreed that all the men would pray for rain on a nearby mountaintop.
They did so, and… no rain.
They resolved to climb the mountain again the following day, and bring their wives and children.
They did, and… still no rain.
The following day they brought the old, the sick, and the babies.
Still no rain.
Next day, they brought along every chicken, goat, horse, and donkey in the village.
Still nothing.
The Rabbi raised his eyes to the sky and said, “Why, G-d?! Why don’t you hear our prayers?!”
A voice from Heaven answered, “BECAUSE YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IN PRAYER!”
“Why do you say we don’t believe?”
“BECAUSE NOBODY BROUGHT AN UMBRELLA!”