2023-11-11

想来今天是传说中的光棍节呀！不打照面一声地来到。

今日SC阴雨，早上预备counseling，却因对方有时改约；之后去帮Chisholms收拾东西搬家。中午赶回来洗碗做饭洗衣，再去图书馆写case report, 晚上再坐进readingroom 看书写journal。头与心却像秤砣一般沉重，真的难受极了，没法集中注意力做手头的工。原因如下：

Anger in my heart from unfair treatment and shame or guilt for failure to follow Him who gives me mercy and grace instead of fair judgment

What-my contribution or sharing of the daily life needs deserves correspondingly respect concerning what I would like to eat or who I would like to invite as our guests instead of the other one controlling over all things;

Why-my desires for respect did not get fulfilled, I hold grudge and treat the other unfriendly by keeping silent or giving an indifferent look; want to speak it back.

What bad consequences-for me, I sin against Him by unrighteous anger as God commands me to love others as myself and not to seek my own benefits; for the other one, she gets hurt by my unfriendly look or tone and our relationship get stuck if I am preoccupied with "fairness"

How to change:  I need to confess it to Him, repent of my sin and get rid of my unrighteous anger as well as giving her grace. I also need to remind myself of the lie of "fairness"-pains/contribution in proportion to gains/respect(voice of speech) and of my motive for doing something just for God not for show or for sb's approval(be faithful to God in tiny little things)

frustration over handling of a friend's birthday

she is our mutual friend. I remember her birthday is coming and I want to treat her a meal or give her a gift. but I don't know if she also knew her birthday or has any plan for her. If I tell her about it and she agrees to invite her to a meal, then I can't show my individual good intentions and a bit worried that she will take credit by herself which is typical of her, and I will feel sad for not being able to enjoy my personal honor.-the truth is that I am concerned more about personal glory than serving others.--again my bad and my sin! 

Right way- communicate with her and receptive to have the friend together even though I am not being thought of.