Day one: February 1st

As I sat frazzled in the front of this packed room of nine, grading endless papers and writing reports in banal expressions, I often wonder what triggered me into coming here in the first place.

每当我坐在这个拥挤的九人教室里，一脸懵逼的批改着听写作业，写着千篇一律的表现报告，我就会想，当初我到底是哪根筋抽了才来这里实习？

Then I would remember--when I sat in those very chairs, a greenhorn myself in the business of TOEFL and such-- how I would retire from my homework and secretly watch my own TA do his work. It all seemed so meaningful somehow, like it was a worldly must-have. I remember being held in a rapt gaze, out of curiosity and admiration for his work. 

之后就会想起，很久以前，我也像这个班的学生一样，对于托福、出国什么的屁都不懂。我会从作业堆里抬起头，偷偷看当时的助教做他的工作。感觉很有意义，很有意思的样子，像是一个我必须试试看的工作。我记得自己看的出神，对他的工作既好奇又崇拜。

Not for the work he actually did, of course. But for the concept that people refer to as "work".

当然，我崇拜的不是他做的工作，而是人们称之为“工作”的这个概念。

My job was not as fun as I thought it would be. No great feeling of helping out, no magnificent joy of leadership, not really. It's more of a chore, and in this sense, it had no difference from "school",  from which I thought I graduated a long time ago.

我的助教工作一点也不好玩。没有帮助他人的自我升华，没有做班级领导的满足感，挺无聊的。更像是一项家务，一件必须做的琐事，和原来“上学”看上去没什么区别。

Get up, go to work, take my notes, grade dictations, warning students not to use their phones during class. That's pretty much it, my glorious contribution to the society. 

起床，上班，记录课堂表现，改听写本，提醒学生上课不许玩手机。就这么多，我对社会的伟大贡献。

Although I indeed intended to make it sound unworthy and trivial, I do miss it, in a way.

当然我是故意这么损助教的工作的啦，因为我的确想念它，从某冲层面上说。

I miss "work". I miss the deep, hidden, and surprisingly familiar sensation that I have always failed to put a word to it.

我想念“工作”。想念那种淡淡的，捉摸不透的，却十分熟悉的“工作感想”。我不知道什么好词可以去形容它。

I miss waking up before my alarm clock in the morning. I miss being the first person to walk around in the apartment, fully dressed and wide awake. I miss breathing in the first bit of crisp morning air, and getting the feeling that everything today would go as well as it did in that first few minutes.

我想念比自己的闹铃醒的还早。想念成为房子里头一个下床走动，衣服早就穿戴整洁，精神饱满的人。我想念吸进早晨刚醒来的空气，深深地觉得今天接下来的一切，都会过的和过去的这几十分钟一样顺。

I miss waiting for the bus, and I miss going somewhere. I miss watching other people streaked away from the window as I close in on my destination. I miss arriving. And I certainly miss checking my phone to realize I must be the first one to come in today.

我想念等公交车，我想念去向某个地方的心情。我想看着人们从车窗边掠过，自己离着目的地越来越近。我想念到达。而且我很想低头看下手机时间，发现自己一定是头一个来上班的人的瞬间。

And I miss carrying out the "chores". I miss every minute having its own purpose and uses. I miss the work schedule--not a cloud of to-do list, but a unshakable, locked series of duties. 

我想念我的那些杂活琐事。我想念每一分钟每一时刻都被刻上自己的用处和目的。我想念工作的时刻表--不是漂泊不定的想做的事一览表，而是不容改变的，和他人的安排互相锁死的，职责。

I miss catching the last bus home, knowing that people I love would be waiting for me, with good food and sometimes a nice movie. I miss finally being able to watch a TV show that I have been looking forward to all day.I miss dozing off to my dreams feeling content because I had not failed my schedules.

我想念坐着末班车回家，想着家里人估计在准备饭菜等着我回家看电影。我想念能够终于在一天的最后坐在床上追一集自己喜欢的剧。我想念在完成任务的满足感里，一边期待第二天的工作，一边进入梦乡。

Before this job I had two months without school or work. It was a time I took no pride in, and the most jumbled time in my life.

在助教工作之前，我有两个月什么都没干，没有上学也没有实习。我对这段时间一点点很难为情。那是我目前最混乱的一段时间。

I was living in clatter. I was supposed to drop off a dozen of papers for the American universities, but I wasted my days on games and shows. I had plans, but no will strong enough to enforce them. I had only deadlines, and so most of my essays were cranked out on the same night of that deadline and lacked refinement. I was stuck in a circle, and I lost myself to distractions. Without me noticing it, hours, days, even weeks passed. And the only time I would work a few hours was when my guilt grow so vehement that I simply couldn't suppress it no matter what else I do. My weakest days. 

我活在混沌的时间里面。本应该认认真真的写完申请美国大学需要的文书，但是我却浪费了大把时间在游戏和美剧上。我有自己的计划，自己的毅力却不够强，一旦点开了第一集的链接，就一发不可收拾。我真正遵守的，只是最后交稿的期限而已；因此许多文书都是交稿的那天晚上赶工赶成的，不好看。我陷进了死循环，输给了自己。时间真特么无情，两个月刷的一下就过去了。唯一我会工作上个几小时的时间，就是因为罪恶感太过深重，不做不行了。我在那段时间真的是弱爆了啊。

I needed to "work". I think all human beings need "work". We need this concept to keep ourselves running, our emotions and energies circulating, and our lives moving and progressing. 

我须要“工作”。我认为是人都须要工作。我们需要这个神奇的概念来保持前进，让我们的思绪循环向前向上，让我们的日子过的有成就，有意义。

Tomorrow the recession ends and I will be back to work. I am very excited about it.

明天放假结束了，我也要回去工作了。开心。