When you lose something, sometimes you regret and sometimes you move on. Life is beautiful only because it's so forgivable and forgettable. We are allowed to forget so that we could have the strength to face the new day.
Memory on the other hand is just so unreliable and fragmented. Memory was not our past but some artificial montages that was arrogantly made by ourselves in order to forget and move on.
When Rachel left, all of a sudden I was liberated from the burden of maintaining a profile of myself, and gradually the sensation of capturing the time with her overwhelmed me. I thought I needed an answer to myself for what crazy stuff I had been doing over the last month. I thought while she had gone for good, I needed some ritual to give this whole madness a clean closure. That was when I walked pass a camera store in town.
I spent 1,600 dollars which was all the money I had left for an entry level Canon 500D DSLR, and I had no idea about photography or anything at all. And I decided to be a photographer.
I laughed at myself that I must have lost my mind. The funny part was when a 40-ish skinhead salesman approached me, I told him I knew nothing about camera or lenses or whatsoever, just find something nice and cheap. He was irritated at first, then patiently offered some basic instructions. I told him I had to go as my memory was now quickly fading.
Yes, I bought the camera only because I wanted to capture my one-month old memory with Rachel, by myself. I went to the place we firstly met, the street of her house. I stayed in Geelong for another weekend. I went to everywhere I went with her. It felt weird and sentimental as we were just there together not long ago. I could still recall her voice and her smile. But I enjoyed the whole one-man show.
I had always been a quiet type of guy who keeps his eyes on the floor while walking. I enjoyed the selfness when I went here and there taking pictures and not talking to anyone. My thoughts and memories with Rachel blended together giving me some sort of protective sense of belonging. It seemed I was with Rachel again as I was with myself.
When the 100th photo taken, I figured it was pretty much it. So I sent all of them to Rachel via email. She did not reply and that was it.
Not long after I went back to 7Eleven. I thought it was time to wake up.
I was thinking 'bout her, thinking 'bout me,
Thinking 'bout us, what we gon' be.
Open my eyes (yeah).
It was only just a dream.
So I travelled back down that road.
Will she come back? No one knows.
I realize (yeah) it was only just a dream.
March 2017
That was almost ten years since I met Rachel. Here I was in Shanghai, having my first photographic exhibition in China. I accidentally became a professional photographer. I always thought I should thank her for some reason.
I am still as shy as I was ten years ago. I don't like to talk in public or draw any kinds of attention. I still walk with my face down. I sometimes speak to myself and I think I must be nuts. I am not single but not married either. My girlfriend is such an independent woman who knows how to enjoy herself and let me enjoy myself. She's a fascinating creature and I love her. I may marry her one day.
Rachel was invited to the exhibition but I was not sure if she was coming. We managed to keep some distant connections without sticking our noses into each other's life. I didn't know how she looked like or if she was married. We ended up to be those WeChat friends who only sent holiday greetings occasionally.
The last day of the exhibition. I have been hectic but empty. I missed the Earl Grey tea from the small café I went everyday in my suburb. I missed the bloody unpredictable weather of Melbourne. I missed my girl. And here Rachel showed up.
She was just standing there quietly staring up to one of my photos. Her hair was as long and shining as before. I could vaguely see her face but I was sure she had not changed a bit. And she turned her face to me seemingly knowing that I was looking at her.
She smiled. I was in the paradise again.
'You came.' I shook her hand instantly before I felt like an idiot.
'Um.' She kept smiling. 'You said you were going to see me again...so here I am.' Her face was perfection with sophistication only she was wearing a Hermès trench coat and a pair of current season Jimmy Choo. She must be having a very happy life I assume.
She drove us to an expensive lounge with her brand new Ferrari. I ordered the Earl Grey as usual. She had Flat White as she said that was the coffee invented by an Australian.
We didn't talk much. I was not sure if I ever cared to know how she'd been. I didn't ask and she didn't tell.
'You know, I always envy you.' She smiled. The Chanel lipstick matched her perfectly. Time has only made her more mysteriously charming.
'Huh, why?'
'You could always choose for the life you want and you dare to do whatever to make that happen.' She had learnt a way to speak without letting others know her true emotions. Her tone was all peaceful and polite.
'But you always stick with plans...either made by your parents or yourself.' I put it as polite as I could. I felt so lonely and irrelevant at that moment.
'Yes.' She sipped her already cold Flat White. 'Can I ask you a question?'
'Please.'
'If you knew I was from a rich family, would you give up what you had in Australia and go back to China with me?'
'Hahaha...' I laughed with a hint of sarcasm. 'You know, I had nothing to give up back then. I was just a poor student. Would you have asked such a poor student to go with you?'
She didn't answer. We just smiled at each other.
She drove me back to my hotel. I knew what was going to happen so I invited her to my room for 'a coffee'.
She stayed. And we ended up in one bed again.
It was awkward in the first place as we managed to keep a friendly distance yet sought some intimacy. Then I touched her hand and it all started so naturally. We kissed, cuddled, touched. She became so skilful that everything she was doing to me aroused some of my hidden feelings.
I did not talk much, just keep kissing each and every inch of her body. She was moaning in the language only known to herself.
She asked me to get inside of her but I just kept kissing her before we all fell asleep.
I did not know what I was doing. My head has pinning early in the morning. And I had to catch the plane back to Melbourne.
'Rachel, I have to go now. For whatever, be happy.' I kissed her. She was still in her dream. 'I will see you...when I see you.'
I was sure I would see her again soon enough.
Hopefully she would be happy next time I saw her.
Hopefully...
- End -
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