All major transitions involve a messy middle, where we feel very lost.
Just as snakes shed their old skins to allow for shiny new growth, we have to be willing to shed parts of our old selves during a transition and allow for a period of being completely lost and confused.
Every major religious narrative and fairy tale recognizes the value of being lost. Jesus was cast into the desert before he had a major epiphany, and Mohamed gained his wisdom on a mountaintop. The most formative experience of Red Riding Hood’s life would never have been possible if she hadn’t wandered into that forest.
So if we really want to embrace transformation, we have to also embrace the messy middle, where we’ve let go of the past, but haven’t started the next chapter yet. In this phase, we’re forced to let go of outdated identities or beliefs that don’t fit us anymore. Or ingrained habits left over from parts of our lives which we no longer embrace. Shedding can leave us feeling vulnerable and raw because we feel so lost and unsure of who we are. But it also creates space for making something new.
So, how can we survive this challenging part of the transition? Some people find comfort in giving their lives a new kind of structure, for example by participating in a 12-step alcohol rehabilitation program or enrolling in a course. Others prefer to adopt a new daily practice like journaling, gardening, or walking in nature. These rituals can ground you in your daily life as you weather big changes.
While these orderly approaches work for many people, others choose to explore more freely. A quintessential way of exploring loss is to literally start wandering through the world on adventurous travels. Some people see a period of uncertainty as an opportunity to test their own boundaries by experimenting with drugs, dating different kinds of people, or going to sex parties. These kinds of structured play can become an important part of the transitional process.
The messy middle will leave you feeling completely at sea; everything that moored you to your identity disappears. On the other side of this difficult period, though, lies a new beginning.
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