Where does it come from? This quest, this need to solve life's mysteries when the simplest of questions can never be answered.
Why we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps we'd better of not looking at all.
-- Heroes
After lunch today we decided to go to the park that not far away from home. Before we set out I had a short conversation with my friend who involved in the a little weird relationship with a girl. The sky was dull, air smelled fresh after the rain in the morning and made the plan to park seemed quite sensible.
There were not many cars on the way to park, we arrived after about half an hour, and we found that there's no parking space for us. So they went in and I was looking for somewhere to pull the car over.
Maybe not the lucky day for me, I drove several blocks around the park and couldn't find any free parking space. 'Why not just drive along the road?', I thought, and throw the location of the park behind my head, drove straight along the road and turn right if blocked, to the road I had never been and the place I wanted to go once.
I played the song of Sometimes When we touch over and over again. It's a sorrow song, sad but mellifluous. People love listening sorrow song when they are sad cause it can raise the vicarious emotions between the song and themselves. But most of time it can not help people get rid of sadness, sometimes just drag them into the whirlpool of suffering. It's like the drug in a certain degree that makes people addict to it even if they know it's the root of endless pain.
But I had no of that emotion, at least at that time. What I felt is, free. Free, in a limited time and limited space. I suddenly wished that I could not find any parking space so that I could drive along the road till I wanted to stop. I love driving alone. I choose the road, I choose the time and I choose the destination, I choose the accompany, I choose the song and I choose anything I want. Did I have the freedom to choose the things above? Basically yes. Did I feel free? No. Free is not the thing that makes you have the right to do anything you want, it is a condition that you can do anything without considering anything, anyone. So there's no really free for most of us since we always related with others which let us come over all kinds of concerns. Fortunately we still have free in a limited time and limited space.
After a while, I came to the end of the road, there's a factory which is under construction. A slogan written on the wall claims that they would not compensate for any loss of the car parked here. I looked around and found many cars and a few parking space there, I turned left and kept on driving. Is it interesting? A few words group people into two kinds: people who are afraid of their loss and those who don't care. People have different needs, take free as example, some think free is they can choose where to work and where to live, some think free is they can choose whom to contact to and whom to play with, others may think they are free only if they can dominate their life. What is my definition of free, sometimes I asked myself. The answer is not always the same, but it always points the same direction: live as who I am.
Live as who I am, seems illusory and abstract, but it is so real to me that I feel I can touch it. People live in the world with masks on their faces, to meet other's needs, to make others happy, to let others think they are good colleagues, good parents or good neighbours. They become the second soul of many of them so that they have forgotten who they really are. But maybe one day, the real one of them deep in their mind may awake, and find how awful the life were in the past decades. They may regret, depressed, angry, or numb. The key is when they realize themselves and how to deal with it.
Five minutes later, another factory stand in my way and there's no way to go. So I turn around and pulled over in front of the gate of a factory. I checked my mobile and there were several informations of wechat from the friend I mentioned above. He thinks he falls in love with a girl who he thinks also loves him. I tried to convince him that she only wants to definite their relationship as friends, but he didn't believe me and tried to convince me that she also loves him and he failed this time only because of his some inappropriate behaviours which are to convince himself that those actions would attract her attentions. After a while I realized that I made a mistake, I just wanted to convince him with my thought, and my thought was not to convince others with self's thoughts, it was a paradox. So I finished the topic quickly and chatted with him about jobs. Yes, I can say it was definite the right topic!
As you can see, the behaviours of my friend are the expression of free. He did what he thought was right even others didn't agree with him. He doesn't have to worried about if friends would laugh at him or families would not agree with him to hang out with the girl. He loves, he acts and he hurts, all of these are driven by his free will.
Is anyone who is single free? Of course not. People who accustomed to wearing the mask and not willing to uncover it will never taste free again since they wore it. Why they don't want to set themselves free? Some of them may be not aware of what free is for they may have been brain-washed by all kinds of so called educations, rules, moralities and other informations. Some of them may worried about they can't afford the loss for setting free for themselves is a battle. Some of them I believe that free is not the most important thing for them in their life, and also we can't blame them cause people have different values. And some, they wait, to see what will happen if maintain the status they have now.
Live as who I am. The question is who I am. I'm definitely not the man you see, I buried myself many many years ago and have restrain myself for a long time, and used to afraid who I really am. I know one day, I'll become me. I know where to go, I just don't know the time...
After they finished the play, I picked them up and go home. The rain falls when we arrived.
Can you ever escape? Or is the truth that you do not have the strength or cunning to hide from destiny. But the world is not small, you are. And fate can find you anywhere.
-- Heroes
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