你好，我是你的英语大厨（伙夫）七Sir。
今天的宵夜是最新一期《纽约客》上的一个小短篇。
讲的是人工智能时代在网上买7节电池却要无休止地证明自己是人类而非机器人的故事。
文章还是《纽约客》一贯的讽刺和俏皮风格，跟之前的《在家工作》那篇非常相似。
故事比较短，用词也很简单，大家直接读英文吧，相应的生词我都做了注释。
准备好胃口，开动吧~

Please Confirm You Are Not a Robot

By Mia Mercado
August 5, 2017

咖啡不错~

To complete your order and prove that you are not a robot, please check the box that reads, “I am not a robot.”
Hmm. It took you kind of a long time to click the box. Most verified humans do it within 0.5 seconds, and you took almost three. We’ll assume it was a normal human thing holding you up (e.g., distraction, forgetfulness, unwillingness to read instructions) and not something robot-related. Let’s confirm you are not a robot in a different way.

verify: to check that sth is true or accurate

Please enter the following randomized text in the space provided:
iBAnGed4sHEep

randomize: 使随机化;任意排列 If you randomize the events or people in scientific experiments or academic research, you use a method that gives them all an equal chance of happening or being chosen.

Why are you hesitating? Just write “iBAnGed4sHEep” and then click“confirm.” Should be pretty easy, no? O.K. Well, we’re still going to need you to verify that you’re a human in order to complete this order of seven AAA batteries. Kind of a weird order for someone who’s not a robot, but who are we to judge!
Here’s a simple human task: please turn your volume up and listen for the auditory cue. It will be an Adele ballad, and we’ll need you to openly weep into the microphone. A few loud sobs to “Someone Like You” will sufficiently establish your humanity.

cue: an action or event that is a signal for sb to do sth
ballad: a slow song about love
weep: to cry, usually because you are sad

It seems that you were unable to complete this task. We will assume that’s because your speakers are broken, and not because Adele’s angelic voice didn’t unleash a cascade of tears from your real, human eyes. The latter would be a clear indicator that you are, in fact, a robot.

unleash: If you say that someone or something unleashes a powerful force, feeling, activity, or group, you mean that they suddenly start it or send it somewhere.
cascade: 2a large amount of water falling or pouring down
e.g. a cascade of rainwater

We’re running out of options here, and you seem to really need those seven AAA batteries. Do batteries even come in a pack of seven? Are you ordering seven individual AAA batteries? Don’t answer that. It probably wouldn’t help your case.

Select one of the following options to confirm you are not a robot:
• Eat a hard-shell taco and instinctively tilt your head to the side.

taco: (包着肉、蔬菜和辣酱的)墨西哥玉米薄饼卷 A taco is a crispy Mexican pancake made from corn and eggs, which is folded and filled with meat, vegetables, and a spicy sauce.
tilt: to move a part of your body, especially your head or chin, upwards or to the side = tip

• Gasp in genuine delight at a picture of Beyoncé.

Gasp:（尤指惊讶、震惊或疼痛时）喘息，喘气，倒抽气 When you gasp, you take a short quick breath through your mouth, especially when you are surprised, shocked, or in pain.

• Smile obligatorily at a baby you don’t know.
• Procrastinate by taking an online quiz that tells you which Harry Potter house you’re in.

Procrastinate: to delay doing sth that you should do, usually because you do not want to do it
e.g. People were dying of starvation while governments procrastinated.

• Argue with the results of the online quiz that tells you which Harry Potter house you’re in, and then create a new profile so you can take the quiz again.
• Avoid eye contact with this person who looks familiar but you don’t know from what.
• Watch a looped video of someone tripping, and laugh every time.

tripping: If you trip when you are walking, you knock your foot against something and fall or nearly fall.

• Take at least three tries to insert this USB cable correctly.
• Smell this and tell me if it smells bad to you.
• Have the rest of these fries that Courtney can’t finish.
• Realize that this is not worth the effort and just go to Target.

Target: a famous American supermarket chain

Congratulations! You correctly selected “Realize that this is not worth the effort and just go to Target.” Your humanity has been confirmed. Now, let’s see if you can enter your payment information in time. We’ve hidden your wallet way the fuck over there in a pair of pants that you wore at some point this week. You have fifteen seconds. Let’s begin.

the fuck: used for emphasis, or to show that you are angry, annoyed or surprised
e.g. What the fuck are you doing?