21
Suicide
自杀
1. The Christmas season arrived, bringing with it carol singers, cards of good will and the first snowfalls. Chloe and I had been due to spend the Christmas weekend at a small hotel in Yorkshire. The brochure sat on my desk: 'Abbey Cottage welcomes its guests to warm Yorkshire hospitality in exquisite surroundings. Sit by the open fire in the oak-beamed living room, take a walk along the moors, or simply relax and let us take care of you. A holiday at Abbey Cottage is everything you always wanted from a hotel -- and more.'圣诞假期到来了，随之而至的还有圣诞颂歌、祝福的卡片以及第一场雪。克洛艾和我本来计划到约克郡的一家小旅馆度圣诞假期的。我桌上的小册子介绍说：“修道院的乡间小屋以约克郡温暖宜人的优美环境欢迎贵客光临。您可以在橡木搭建的客厅里，坐在明火壁炉旁聊天；您可以在草地上漫步；或者您只需舒适地待在屋内，让我们为您效劳。修道院的乡间小屋永远为您提供最优质的假日服务。”
2. Two days before Christmas and hours before my death, at five o'clock on a sombre Friday evening, I received a call from Will Knott: 在阴沉的星期五晚上五点钟，圣诞节前两天，我死前几小时，我接到威尔·诺特的电话：
'I thought I'd ring to say goodbye, I'm due to fly back to San Francisco on the weekend.'“我打电话是与你告别的，周末我就要飞回旧金山了。”
'I see.'“喔。”
'Tell me, how are things with you?'“你现在好吗？”
'I'm sorry?'“什么？”
'Is everything all right?'“一切都好吗？”
'All right? Well, yes, you could put it that way.'“一切都好？嗯，是的，可以这么说。”
'I was sorry to hear about you and Chloe. It's really too bad.'“听到你和克洛艾的事我很抱歉，真是糟糕。”
'I was happy to hear about you and Chloe.'“听到你和克洛艾的事我很高兴。”
'You've heard. Yeah, it just worked out. You know how much I always liked her, and she gave me a call and told me you guys had split up, and things moved from there.'“你知道了？是的，才开始。你知道我一直喜欢她，她打电话跟我说，你们分手了。事情就这样开始了。”
'Well, it's fantastic, Will.'“哦，好极了，威尔。”
'I'm glad to hear you say it. I don't want this to get between us or anything, because a great friendship is not something I like to throw away. I always hoped you two could patch things up, I think you would have been great together, it's a real pity, but anyway. What are you doing over Christmas?'“我很高兴听到你这样说。我希望这对我们的关系没有什么影响，因为我不想失去一份真诚的友谊。我一直希望你们俩重修旧好，到现在我还认为你们感情甚笃。不管怎么说，确实很遗憾。你圣诞节准备怎么过？”
'Staying home, I think.'“待在家里，我想。”
'Looks like you're going to get a real snowfall here, time to bring out the skis, eh?'“看来你真的要遭一场大雪了，雪过天晴，是吧？”
'Is Chloe with you now?'“克洛艾现在和你在一起？”
'Is she with me now? Yes, no, I mean, she isn't actually with me right now. She was here, but she's just gone off to the store actually, we were talking about Christmas crackers, and she said she loved them, so she's gone to buy some.'“克洛艾现在和我在一起？是的，噢，没有，我是说，她这会儿没在这儿。本来在，刚才出去逛商店了。我们说起圣诞饼干，她说她喜欢吃，所以就出去买了。”
'That's great, give her my regards.'“太好了，代我向她问她。”
'I'm sure she'd be delighted to hear we spoke. You know she's coming with me to spend Christmas in California?'“我肯定她听到我们的谈话会很高兴的。你知不知道她和我一起到加利福尼亚过圣诞节？”
'Is she?'“是吗？”
'Yeah, it'll be great for her to see it. We'll spend a couple of days with my parents in Santa Barbara, then maybe go for a few days to the desert or something.'“嗯，等她看到这个城市她一定会很开心。我们先到圣巴巴拉和我的父母在一起待几天，然后也许去沙漠里或别的什么地方过一段时间。”
'She loves deserts.'“她喜欢沙漠。”
'That's right, that's what she told me. Well, listen, I'd better leave you to it, and wish you a happy holiday. I've got to start sorting my stuff out around here. I may be back in Europe next fall, but anyway, I'll give you a call, and see how you're doing...'“是的，她跟我说过。好了，我得挂电话了，祝你圣诞节快乐。我还要收拾东西。明年秋天我也许会再来欧洲，不管怎样，人会给你打电话，来看看你……”
3. I went into the bathroom and took out every last tablet I had collected, and laid them out on the kitchen table. With a mixture of pills, several glasses of cough syrup, and whisky, I would have enough to end the whole charade. What more sensible reaction than this, to kill oneself after rejection in love? If Chloe really was my whole life, was it not normal that I should end that life to prove it was impossible without her? Was it not dishonest to be continuing to wake up every morning if the person I claimed was the meaning of existence was now buying Christmas crackers for a Californian architect with a house in the foothills of Santa Barbara? 我走进浴室，把找到的每一粒药片都拿出来放在餐桌上。这一堆阿司匹林、维他命、安眠药，以及几杯止咳糖浆和威士忌足以让我结束全部的人生游戏。遭爱情抛弃之后，还有什么比自杀更明智？如果克洛艾真是我全部的生命，那么为了证明我的生命里不能没有她，我结束自己的生命难道不是正常之举？如果曾被我声言是我生命意义之所在的人现在却为一个在圣巴巴拉山沟里有住房的加利福尼亚建筑师买圣诞饼干，而我还一如往日地活下去，这难道不是不诚实？
4. My separation from Chloe had been accompanied by a thousand platitudinous sympathies from friends and acquaintances: it might have been nice, people drift apart, passion can't last for ever, better to have lived and loved, time will heal everything. Even Will managed to make it sound unexceptional, like an earthquake or a snowfall, something that nature sends to try us, and whose inevitability one should not think of challenging. My death would be a violent denial of normality -- it would be a reminder that I would not forget as others had forgotten. I wished to escape the erosion and softening of time, I wished the pain to last for ever only so as to be connected to Chloe via its burnt nerve endings. Only by my death could I assert the importance and immortality of my love, only through self-destruction could I remind a world grown weary of tragedy that love was a deadly serious matter.我与克洛艾分手了，朋友和熟人因此给予我无数陈词滥调的同情：分手也许更好，激情没有永远持续；只要曾经生活过，爱过就很好了；时间将会愈合一切。甚至威尔也试图将其说的稀松平常，就如一次地震或一场雪，是大自然对我们的考验，是不可避免的，不应该将其视为挑战。我的死将会成为对平庸想法的断然否定，我的死将告诉人们，纵使他人早已将其置于脑后，我却不会忘却。我希望能逃脱时光对痛苦的销蚀和减弱；我希望痛苦永远延续下去，以便藉烧毁的神经末梢与克洛艾相连。只有通过死，我才能证明自己的爱是多么重要，多么不朽；只有通过自我毁灭，我才能告诉一个厌倦悲剧的世界：爱情无比庄严。
5. It was seven o'clock, and the snow was still falling, starting to form a blanket over the city. It would be my shroud. The one reading this will be alive, but the author will be dead, I reflected as I penned my note. It was the only way I could say I love you, I'm mature enough not to want you to blame yourself for this, you know how I feel about guilt. I hope you will enjoy California, I understand the mountains are very beautiful, I know you could not love me, please understand I could not live without your love... The suicide text had gone through many drafts: a pile of scrapped notepaper lay beside me. I sat at the kitchen table, wrapped in a grey coat, with only the shivering of the fridge for company. Abruptly, I reached for a tub of pills and swallowed what I only later realized were twenty effervescent vitamin C tablets.目睹此事的人继续生存，履行此事的人行将毁灭。晚上七点，雪还在下着，开始为这城市裹上一层被子，开始为我准备裹尸布。这是我说我爱你的惟一办法，我足够成熟，不会要你因此而责备自己，你知道我是怎么看待罪过的。我希望你喜欢加利福尼亚，我明了那儿的山峰非常秀美，我知道你无法爱我，请理解我，没有你的爱我无法生活下去……遗书（写于延迟的自杀之前）多次易稿：一堆撕碎的信纸堆在我身边。我坐在餐桌旁，裹着一件灰色的外套，旁边只有冰箱的嗡嗡颤动。我猛然抓起一把药片，吞了下去，后来才知道，那是二十粒维他命C泡腾片。
6. I imagined Chloe receiving a visit from a policeman shortly after my inert body had been found. I imagined the look of shock on her face, Will Knott emerging from the bedroom with a soiled sheet draped around him, asking, 'Is there anything wrong, darling?' and she answering 'Yes, oh, God, yes!' before collapsing into tears. The most terrible regret and remorse would follow. She would blame herself for not understanding me, for being so cruel, for being so short-sighted. Had any other man been so devoted to her as to take his own life for her? 我想象在我僵直的身体被发现后不久，克洛艾接待一个警察的情景。可以想见她脸上的震惊，威尔·诺特裹着肮脏的床单从卧室走出来，问道：“出事了，亲爱的？”在眼泪涌出之前，她回答说：“是的，哦，天哪，是的！”接着会产生最痛心的悔恨和自责——她会责怪自己太不了解我，太残酷，太没有眼光。还会有谁对她如此忠诚，为她奉献自己的生命？
7. A notorious inability to express emotions makes human beings the only animals capable of suicide. An angry dog does not commit suicide, it bites the person or thing that made it angry, but an angry human sulks in its room and later shoots itself leaving a silent note. Man is the symbolic, metaphorical creature: unable to communicate my anger, I would symbolize it in my own death. I would do injury to myself rather than injure Chloe, enacting by killing myself what I was suggesting she had done to me.众所周知，人类因没有发泄情感的能力而使他们成为惟一能够自杀的动物。一只愤怒的狗不会杀，它会撕咬惹它恼怒的那个人或某件东西。但是一个愤怒的人只会在自己的屋子里生气，无言地留下一个纸条，然后射杀自己。人类是一种使用象征和暗喻的生物：我无法表达自己的愤怒，所以我用死亡来予以象征。我结束自己的生命，我认为这是克洛艾在杀死我，但是，我毁灭的只是自身，而非克洛艾。
8. My mouth was frothing now, orange bubbles breeding in its cavity and exploding as they came into contact with the air, spraying a light orange film over the table and the collar of my shirt. As I observed this acidic chemical spectacle silently, I was struck by the incoherence of suicide: I did not wish to choose between being alive or dead. I simply wished to show Chloe that I could not, metaphorically speaking, live without her. The irony was that death would be too literal an act to grant me the chance to see the metaphor read, I would be deprived by the inability of the dead (in a secular framework at least) to look at the living looking at the dead. What was the point of making such a scene if I could not be there to witness others witnessing it? In picturing my death, I imagined myself in the role of audience to my own extinction, something that could never really happen in reality, when I would simply be dead, and hence denied my ultimate wish -- namely, to be both dead and alive. Dead so as to be able to show the world in general, and Chloe in particular, how angry I was, and alive, so as to be able to see the effect that I had had on Chloe and hence be released from my anger. It was not a question of being or not being. My answer to Hamlet was to be and not to be.我的嘴现在喷出泡沫，橘黄色的泡泡不断从嘴里冒出来，一遇到空气就爆裂了，把桌子上和我的衬衣领子溅了薄薄的一层橘黄色薄膜。我静静地观看这酸性的化学景观，我被无条理的自杀吸引了，也就是说，我不愿在生存或毁灭之间作出抉择，我只希望向克洛艾表明——用比喻的说法——没有她我无法生存下去。具有讽刺意味的是，死亡是一个过于实在的行为，以至我没有机会看到喻体得到解读。由于死亡（至少在世俗的框架中），我无法目睹活着的人看着死去的我，如果不能这样，那么我的举动又有什么意义？想象我死去的图景，我把自己视为看着自身灭亡的观众。然而这无法成为现实，我将只是死去，因此达不到我最终的愿望，即既毁灭又生存。毁灭能够向整个世界，特别是向克洛艾显示，我是多么愤怒：生存能够让我看到我的死对克洛艾的打击，从而缓解我的愤怒。这不是一个生存还是毁灭的问题，我对哈姆雷特的回答是：生存并且毁灭。
9. Those who commit a certain kind of suicide perhaps forget the second part of the equation, they look at death as an extension of life (a kind of afterlife in which to watch the effect of their actions). I staggered to the sink and my stomach contracted out the effervescent poison. The pleasure of suicide was to be located not in the gruesome task of killing the organism, but in the reactions of others to my death (Chloe weeping at the grave, Will averting his eyes, both of them scattering earth on my walnut coffin). To have killed myself would have been to forget that I would be too dead to derive any pleasure from the melodrama of my own extinction.那些以某种方式自杀的人们也许忘了上面这个等式的后半部分，只是把死亡视为是生命的一种延伸（是死亡之后灵魂的生活，可以观看自己的行为产生的影响）。我蹒跚着挪向厨房洗涤池，我的胃痉挛起来，挤压出泡腾液汁。自杀的快感不在于可恶地杀伤肢体感官，而在于其他人对我的死亡做出的反应（克洛艾在坟墓前哭泣着，威尔眼睛望着别处，两人朝我的胡桃木棺材上撒着泥土）。我忘了：杀死自己，我的生命也就随之消失，从而也无法从自身灭亡的情节剧中获得快感。
网友评论