In the very present moment, are

In the very present moment, are you living it , or you just dreaming or retreating into someplace where is cozy and safe, where is not the reality but a fantasy?

Life is a complex, it creates confusion and difficulties, which make it hard for us to enjoy and to have fun, that is why there are so many entertainments and there are so many ways for us to go astray, and so many people try to drift into a fantasy world. maybe there is a big different if you could withdraw yourself from the retreat into the world quickly enough or not.

I seems to have developed a habit of running away from life and retreat into escape, which is difficult to break, at every moment and every step or every move or every choice i make, i could go back to the fantasy world easily, and it would take a lot of time and energy and bravery to come back from there. I have been hiding from the world since two days before Chinese new year, until yesterday I went to church for holy communion ceremony which is not easy for me to do. and today is the first day at work, where i shall spend more time and my brains at. Hopefully this year i do spend more time and my brains on.

On my way to office, when i was feeling like i was in agony about life full of challenges and failures, disappoints, I read something which id like to share :

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." - Romans 5:3-5 (NLT)

At that moment, I was complaining why i could not be happy and joyful like the other people do, why on one was there for me to help me and trying to figure out who is out there that i could talk to since a sister has left Beijing one and half years ago, I used to be told not try to rely on anybody but your God or yourself, but i disagree, because i know friends and families shall mean a lot, but unfortunately i fail to connect with them or they fail to connect with me, it always brings shame on me and hatred toward myself and my friends and my family. Whereas it seems the life of bugs has been agonizing my brain and my heart out, the line came into my eyes and my heart and it gave me hope and reassurance, it helped me brace myself into the real life and to face the problems i have and try to drop a few balls and do what i can do to make the life going.

Still a lot to do to embrace and love the real self, but good first to go, thank God for such a new day and new beginning.