lost soul

In 2009, I graduated from Germany and came back to work in a logistic company on the skirt of Shanghai. In that hot summer, I lived with several other girls in an apartment offered by the company. Every morning, it was a rush of face washing, soaps, creams, clothes and shoes. At night, it was again a loud gathering of different kinds of bathing, skin caring, hair combing and so on.  

I know that in that region, besides our company, there are countless other companies playing the similar story each day.

There, I only made a friend with a plain girl who told me she already got married at a young age.

Each day, I watched the whole company as if I was an invisible lost soul, viewing colleagues sending documents, discussing and going around.

My feeling of “life is meaningless”has never been so strong like in that period.

Each day, I, the dried wooden woman, stole some time writing diaries besides the boring work. I literally didn’t find any single joy to live as a normal person.

(By the way, why have I never experienced joy in working like you?)  

After that, I moved back to Shanghai city and joined SMU.

In that period, my only hope was that I had a church where several of my dear persons are. When I was with them, I was such in peace that my old self is gone.

My life was as simple as a paper, every line was written as a routine and I was not expecting more.

Until I suddenly knew you, who sent me a signal that this person might see me through, like I have always wished.

But even we see through each other, what then? Nothing could save me from a lost situation.

Recently, when I occasionally looked at my kids, I wonder if one day I left, would they suffer anything that I could not imagine now? Will they miss me sometimes? Would that hurt?

My pessimism is really incredible that it is a wonder I could still survive till today.

My faith offers a reason why I am still alive, I definitely need a convincing reason to go on.

I think everyone is living in a different, irrelevant world, sometimes, we bumped in other’s life and took a glance, it might attract our attention for some time, but in the end, I think everyone still retreat to his own.