胖只是表象。

最近两个月胖了很多，体重一路飙升。和以往不一样的是，我并没有非常着急地减肥。我意识到，我已经开始发自内心地接受自己了。好与坏，胖与瘦。最近的状态让我想到了Wentworth Miller的那段演讲：

"In 2010, at the lowest point in my adult life, I was looking everywhere for relief/comfort/distraction. And I turned to food. It could have been anything. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. But eating became the one thing I could look forward to. Count on to get me through. There were stretches when the highlight of my week was a favorite meal and a new episode of TOP CHEF. Sometimes that was enough. Had to be. 

"And I put on weight. Big f--king deal."

食物是我最后的慰藉。在我焦虑不安的时候，吃上美好的食物让我有莫大的安全感。我也是人，也有弱点，胖瘦后果也是自己承担，这并没有什么好丢人的。我知道，在焦虑过去后，我又会瘦下来，但是在那之前，我还是会一样地接受自己，爱自己。

"Now, when I see that image of me in my red t-shirt, a rare smile on my face, I am reminded of my struggle. My endurance and my perseverance in the face of all kinds of demons. Some within. Some without. Like a dandelion up through the pavement, I persist. Anyway. Still. Despite.

这也是我现在的感受。

看到亲爱的Louise的微博：

是不是人在三十岁之前都要经历一次信念破碎再重建？ ​​​​

对我而言是的，虽然高中毕业自我感觉几乎一年一个样，但是对我而言仿佛是连根拔起的信念破碎是24岁那一年。从10岁开始我就把生活寄托在幻想中，而24岁那一年仿佛阵痛一般。如今，我还在继续寻找着自己，但是可以说，我已经可以开始面对真实的自己了。

学会接受自己的痛苦，认可自己的挣扎，并而不是盲目地只知道要美要瘦，应该是成长带来的一件珍贵的礼物吧。