Feeling uncertain can be anxiety-producing, especially when it comes to things that really matter to us:
- Should I take that new exciting job or stick with my boring but safe one?
- I like her but do I really love her enough to get married?
- Should I tell my boyfriend how unhappy I am with our sex life or not?
But even in relatively small things, uncertainty can still produce some anxiety:
- Should I take the freeway or side streets?
- Mystery or Rom-Com for movie night?
- Make lasagna or order take-out?
And because the anxiety of uncertainty feels so uncomfortable, our natural instinct is to do something to make it go away.
For example:
- Suppose you’re uncertain about whether to stay in your job and quit. Even though you’ve done all your research, talked to key advisers, and given yourself plenty of time to think it through, you still feel uncertain — and as a result, anxious.
- But you’ve decided you’re going to quit. So, you start typing out your resignation notice. But as you get to the final sentence, you feel a surge of anxiety! So you instinctively pick up the phone and call your spouse to check with them to make sure you’re doing the right thing.
- Your spouse reassures you, you feel less anxious, and you proceed to quit your job.
The problem here is that even though “checking in” with your spouse gave you some relief from your anxiety in the short term, it’s done something far worse in the long term…
When you use reassurance to escape uncertainty, you teach your brain to fear uncertainty and the anxiety that goes with it.
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