How we communicate with our romantic partners can have a strong impact on the quality of our relationships.
Psychologists John and Julie Gottman run the "Love Lab", where thousands of couples have been studied over the last 30 years.
The purpose of their research is to determine the factors that lead to happy and unhappy relationships.
From their data, they have concluded that contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling are the most significant factors that can hurt a marriage or relationship.
Among these, contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce.
People who feel contempt for their partner, often convey disapproval without addressing the issue.
They sometimes label their partner with insulting words such as "lazy" "stupid" or "emotional", which is particularly damaging.
Many couples try to address issues by criticizing their partner's flaws or mistakes directly.
Being too direct with criticism can hurt your partner's self-esteem.
Some people may react to criticism by becoming defensive and focused on winning the argument, rather than on improving themselves.
Others may react to criticism by stonewalling, where they refuse to acknowledge and respond to their partner for a period of time.
Unfortunately, fighting back or ignoring your partner can make it difficult to determine the root of your problems.
If your partner feels that they aren't valued, it may lead to increased dissatisfaction with the relationship.
The Gottmans maintain that being aware of these factors in communication is the first step to improving a relationship.
It is important to acknowledge that all relationships have issues.
The goal shouldn't be to avoid these issues, but to learn to resolve them.
In particular, we should avoid communicating in ways that hurt our partner's self-esteem.
It is better to discuss problems in a way that is less confrontational and can better help your partner sympathize with your perspective.
For example, rather than saying "Why are you ignoring me? It's rude!", one could say "I feel hurt and undervalued when I don't get a response from you."
By being consious of how we communicate with our partner, we can begin to build a healthier relationship.
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