190102

体育课的时候突然开始接受这个事实。因为之前多少有些侥幸吧，想着挣扎了快一周吧，但想想很久之前也有过。想起来是无尽的尴尬无奈。

（痛苦是因为没有选择。）

想着对这些事情，莫名其妙的热情，也是因为碰到了我一直回避但其实是内心真正的渴望的东西。

说是真正的渴望，也未必太过于严重。只不过是曾经未被满足的欲望而已。

（没有被给予的东西，所以自己去寻找，想要争取不是很好的吗!）

A place is warm,and people you care are around you.The exclusive relationship does bring the sense of security.

But fuck this.This will definitely be lead to the road of endless boredom and losing myself.

（因为不想别人来打扰我“以自我为中心”的生活。界限感很清楚是对的。）

心里一直惦念着的东西，可能得到后发现反而是折磨。（所以要承认，然后接受，然后拥抱改变。）

But I am glad that I did all these stuffs,which is better than doing nothing.Even maybe I gained nothing from this.（有总比没有好，不用后悔。）

之前在干嘛呢。自责自己为什么jump into the black hole?Not anymore.（恐惧是给自己设的边界，如果有black hole，尽管跳就是。）

Did I do sth wrong?Yes,I did.（人熟了很容易没界限。但我不想给别人麻烦，说明我也不想被别人打扰。But this sucks,I could fail.）

Did I have fantasy in humanity?Yes,a little bit.Hate for being such a young girl falling for beautiful craps.（是没认清事实的原因。But I face this for the first time,I can fail.）

Yes,so now I am sad now.Feel like I can't get happy now.（Yes,for a while.）

Next step is to get ready for everything he gives to me will be lost in all of a sudden.（If I can get a chance,I will definitely slove this problem.）

总是免不了生命最初的一阵痛。fuck this.（hug）

还有可能这一切又是我的useless concern。但是这已经足够说明问题了，I did not balance the life between the relationship and mine.（所以更要解决了,if i can get this chance）

I am bored and ignore in knowing what I want and what I should focus on.（No,take patience,you will know.）But also gain sth from this pain.（yes.that's great）

Don't waste time and energy in this.Just do sth new and accept everything.（啊赶紧move on）