https://www.ted.com/talks/katie_hood_the_difference_between_healthy_and_unhealthy_love/transcript
00:12
So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner, the word "love" probably comes to mind, and instantly other emotions rush in: joy and hope, excitement, trust and security, and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment. There might not be a word in the dictionary that more of us are connected to than love.
00:37
Yet, given its central importance in our lives, isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love? We build friendships, navigate early romantic relationships, get married and bring babies home from the hospital with the expectation that we'll figure it out. But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love. It can be subtle things like guilting a friend into spending time with you or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school. 100 percent of us will be on the receiving end of unhealthy relationship behaviors and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things. It's part of being human. In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones shows up as abuse and violence, and relationship abuse is something that one in three women and one in four men will experience in their lifetime. Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats, you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me." It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence," to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else. But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us. We just call them different things and ignore the connection. Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.
1. central /ˈsen.trəl/ a
main or important:
central to something
eg: Reducing inflation is central to (= is an important part of) the government's economic policy.2. sneak /sniːk/ v
1> to go somewhere secretly, trying to avoid being seen
2> to do something or take somebody/something somewhere secretly, often without permissionsneak peek /ˌsniːk ˈpiːk/ "预告/让你偷偷看一下“
an opportunity to see something before it is officially available3. inflict /ɪnˈflɪkt/ v
to make somebody/something suffer something unpleasantinflict on inflict yourself/somebody on somebody
(often humorous) to force somebody to spend time with you/somebody, when they do not want to
eg: She inflicted her nephew on them for the weekend.4. stat /stæt/ n
a statistic (= a piece of information shown in numbers)5. instinctual /ɪnˈstɪŋktʃuəl/ a
based on instinct (= a natural quality that makes somebody/something behave in a particular way); not learned6. sneak up (on somebody/something)
to move towards somebody very quietly so that they do not see or hear you until you reach them
eg: He sneaked up on his sister and shouted ‘Boo!’
01:59
I work for an organization called One Love started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend. This was a tragedy no one saw coming, but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there just no one understood what they were seeing. Called crazy or drama or too much drinking, his actions weren't understood to be what they really were, which was clear signs of danger. Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs, her death could have been prevented. So today we're on a mission to make sure that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't. We have three main goals: give all of us a language for talking about a subject that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss; empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help; and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.
02:55
To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss, and our work really focuses on creating content to start conversations with young people. As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious, given the subject at hand, but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted yet still thought-provoking pieces, "The Couplets," to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.
7.light-hearted /ˌlaɪtˈhɑː.tɪd/
happy and not serious8. thought-provoking /ˈθɔːt.prəˈvəʊk.ɪŋ/
making you think a lot about a subject9. Couplet/ˈkʌp.lət/
two lines of poetry next to each other, especially ones that rhyme (= have words with the same sounds) and have the same length and rhythm
03:21
The first is intensity.
03:24
(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.
03:27
Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)
03:29
Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime. What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?
03:35
Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove)
03:38
Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do. Abusive relationships don't start out abusive. They start out exciting and exhilarating. There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush. It feels really good. You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot. But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating. You feel it in your gut. Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend says "I love you" faster than you were ready for or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot. Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond, even though they know you had other things going on that day. It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters, it's how it evolves. It's important in the early days of a new relationship to pay attention to how you're feeling. Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy? Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe? It's also really important to start practicing using your voice to talk about your own needs. Are your requests respected?
10. exhilarate /ɪɡˈzɪl.ə.reɪt/
to give someone strong feelings of happiness and excitement11. hit the jackpot /ˈdʒæk.pɒt/
the largest prize in a competition or game:
04:45
A second marker is isolation.
04:49
(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?
04:51
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.
04:54
Orange 2: Want to hang out?
04:55
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.
04:58
Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
12. snooze /snuːz/ v
to have a short, light sleep, especially during the day and usually not in bed
eg:The dog was snoozing with half an eye open.
05:01
Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day.
05:04
KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love. Why? Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire to spend time together, it's easy to miss when something shifts. Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend starts pulling you away from your friends and family, your support system, and tethering you more tightly to them. They might say things like, "Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers" about your best friends, or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us" about your family. Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt about everyone from your prerelationship life. Healthy love includes independence, two people who love spending time together but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before. While at first you might spend every waking minute together, over time maintaining independence is key. You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them and encouraging your partner to do the same.
13. creep in /kriːp/ ( crept crept)
1>If mistakes creep in or creep into a piece of text, they are included despite efforts not to include them:
eg:A few mistakes always creep in during the editing process.
2>to gradually start to be noticeable
eg: Doubts began to creep into my mind about the likely success of the project.14. tether /ˈteð.ər/
1>tether something (to something) to tie an animal to a post so that it cannot move very far
eg:He tethered his horse to a tree.
2>tether something (to something) to use a smartphone to connect a computer to the internet
eg:You can tether your laptop to your phone.
06:07
A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.
06:11
(Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?
06:13
Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!
06:16
Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?
06:18
Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere.
06:22
(#thatsnotlove)
06:26
KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade, extreme jealousy can creep in. Your partner might become more demanding, needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time, or they might start following you everywhere, online and off. Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust, frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating, and refusal to listen to you when you tell them they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them. Jealousy is a part of any human relationship, but extreme jealousy is different. There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it. Love shouldn't feel like this.
15. accusation-n +(of/against/that) /ˌækjuˈzeɪʃn/
accuse-v accusing-a accusatory-a accused-n
accusatory /əˈkjuːzətəri/ suggesting that you think somebody has done something wrong
eg:He pointed an accusatory finger in her direction.
accusing /əˈkjuːzɪŋ/ showing that you think somebody has done something wrong
eg: The report points an accusing finger at the insurance industry./Her accusing eyes were fixed on him.16. flirt /flɜːt/ Vi
flirt (with somebody) to behave towards somebody as if you find them sexually attractive, without seriously wanting to have a relationship with them
07:04
A fourth marker is belittling.
17. belittle /bɪˈlɪtl/ v
belittle somebody/something to make somebody, or the things that somebody does, seem unimportant
07:06
(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.
07:09
Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove)
07:12
Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.
07:15
Blue: You'll get an F anyway, F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)
07:20
KH: Yeah, hmm. In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons. Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted turn mean and embarrassing. Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts, or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense. When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt, they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting. "Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break." You are silenced by these words. It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back. Their words should build you up, not break you down. They should keep your secrets and be loyal. They should make you feel more confident, not less.
08:02
Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.
18. volatility /ˌvɒləˈtɪləti/
1> (often disapproving) the quality in a person of changing easily from one mood to another
2>the quality in a situation of being likely to change suddenly (sys: instability)
3>(specialist) the quality in a substance of changing easily into a gas*volatile /ˈvɒlətaɪl/
1>(often disapproving) (of a person or their moods) changing easily from one mood to another
eg: a highly volatile personality
2>(of a situation) likely to change suddenly; easily becoming dangerous
eg: This is a highly volatile situation from which riots might develop.
08:06
(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.
08:08
Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)
08:11
Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up. I'd throw myself off this step. I would! Don't try to stop me!
08:17
(#thatsnotlove)
08:21
KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows: as tension rises, so does volatility. Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups, hateful and hurtful comments like, "You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!" followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again. By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous your relationship has become.
19. make up
1>to forgive someone and be friendly with them again after an argument or disagreement:
2>coloured substances used on your face to improve or change your appearance:
3>The make-up of something or someone is the combination of things that form it:20. roller coaster /ˈrəʊ.lə ˌkəʊ.stər/
1>an exciting entertainment in an amusement park, like a fast train that goes up and down very steep slopes and around very sudden bends
2>a situation which changes from one extreme to another, or in which a person's feelings change from one extreme to another:
eg: He was on an emotional roller coaster for a while when he lost his job.
08:51
It can be really hard to see when unhealthy love turns towards abuse, but it's fair to say that the more of these markers your relationship might have, the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be. And if your instinct is to break up and leave, which is advice so many of us give our friends when they're in unhealthy relationships, that's not always the best advice. Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence. If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse, you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.
09:23
But it's not just about romantic relationships and it's not just about violence. Understanding the signs of unhealthy love can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life. For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship or why every interaction with a certain family member leaves you discouraged and anxious. You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy is causing problems with colleagues at work. Understanding is the first step to improving, and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy -- some you're going to have to leave behind -- you can do your part every day to do relationships better. And here's the exciting news: it's actually not rocket science. Open communication, mutual respect, kindness, patience -- we can practice these things every day.
10:16
And while practice will definitely make you better, I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect. I do this for a living and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships, and still I do unhealthy things. Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast, I completely lost it. With an intentionally angry edge, I screamed, "Everybody just shut up and do what I say! You are the worst! I am going to take away screen time and dessert and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!"
21. shuttle /ˈʃʌt.əl/
1>V to travel or take people regularly between the same two places
eg: A bus shuttles passengers back and forth from the station to the terminal.
The American (space) shuttle was able to be used many times to put payloads in space.
2>N a vehicle or aircraft that travels regularly between two places
eg:To get across town, you can take the shuttle from Times Square to Grand Central.*payload /ˈpeɪləʊd/
1> the passengers or goods on a vehicle, especially an aircraft, for which payment is received
2>the equipment carried by a spacecraft or satellite
3>the explosive power of a bomb or a missile22.squabble /ˈskwɒbl/ v (sys: bicker)
squabble (with somebody) (about/over something) to argue noisily about something that is not very important
eg:My sisters were squabbling over what to watch on TV.*bicker /ˈbɪkə(r)/ v
bicker (about/over something) to argue about things that are not important
eg:They bicker over whose fault it was.
10:51
(Laughter)
10:53
Anybody been there?
10:57
Volatility, belittling. My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said, "Mom, that's not love."
11:06
(Laughter)
11:09
For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out. Trust me. But then I gathered myself and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud. I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause. I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be for how they're treated and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met versus just accepting it. For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic, when relationship skills are one of the most important and hard to build things in life. Not only can understanding unhealthy signs help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love, but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy can improve nearly every aspect of your life. I'm completely convinced that while love is an instinct and an emotion, the ability to love better is a skill we can all build and improve on over time.
23. call sb out
1> to ask somebody to come, especially to an emergency
eg: to call out an engineer/a plumber/the troops
2> to order or advise workers to stop work as a protest* call somebody out (on something)(also call somebody on something )
to criticize somebody, especially publicly
eg: Dan called her out on a couple of contradictions in her story.24. rabbit hole
(go) down the rabbit hole
表示“隐藏令人困惑的处境”，或者“进入一个截然不同的世界”般的感受；另外也可以形容对某事“入迷而难以自拔」。
12:06
Thank you.
逻辑框架&思维导图：
1st:
1) 引入：love：+/-
2）unhealthy things--abuse & violence
3) 5 marks of unhealthy love:
Intensity; Isolation; Extreme jealous; Belittle; Volatility
4）helps u understand all relationships
【学习之后】
2nd
1）language to talk about
2）empower a whole front line to help
3）how to love better
3nd
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