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写给惶恐的自己:12月写作反馈直播复盘

写给惶恐的自己:12月写作反馈直播复盘

作者: 自观问渠 | 来源:发表于2018-12-07 16:21 被阅读5次

    写好请求信要定口吻、博同感,积累实用表达和句型

    任务1:对照范文优化我的版本

    范文:题目为WHO headquarters visit request from Peking University School of Public Health

    Justin's version

    我的版本:

    Subject: Group Visit Request next January by the School of Public Health, Peking University

    Dear Sir or Madam,

    I am Li Ming, a graduate student at the School of Public Health, Peking University. I am writing on behalf of the School to reserve a group visit to WHO Headquarters. For your reference, my email address linked to the School is liming@sphpu.org.

    The School, as a leading institution in China’s public health education and research, maintains a good collaborative relationship with WHO where many alumni of Peking University serve. WHO playsan irreplaceable role in preventing diseases and promoting public health. Students in the School aspire to work with WHO. That is why we are arranging a field visit to WHO headquarters.

    We, a group of 15 students,intend to visit WHO next January. Please let me know if ourplan meets your schedule and accommodations.

    P.S.I haven’t found the link to WHO Group Reservations Form. If there is such a form, would you please send me the link or an electronic version? I shall fill it out as soon as possible.

    I am looking forward to your reply. Many thanks for your time and consideration.

    Yours truly,

    Li Ming

    题目:粗体部分错误(用词,首字母大写等),修改版本:WHO headquarters group visit request from School of Public Health, Peking University

    首段:粗体部分错误(介词、动词),修改版本:I am Li Ming, a graduate student from theSchool of Public Health, Peking University. I am writing on behalf of theSchool to request a group visit to WHO Headquarters.

    第三段:粗体部分错误(不够委婉,时间固定,用词错误),修改版本:A group of 15 students would like to visit WHO. I was wondering if WHO could be our host and kindly arrange a guided tour for us. We stand ready to adapt to your schedule.

    第四段:P.S. 部分位置错误,位置定在Li Ming后面,且P.S.粗体

    第五段:加一句煽情的话,打一张感情牌:We value the visit.

    修改后的版本全貌:

    Subject: WHO headquarters group visit request from School of Public Health, Peking University

    Dear Sir or Madam,

    I am Li Ming, a graduate student from the School of Public Health, Peking University. I am writing on behalf of the School to request  a group visit to WHO headquarters.

    The School, as a leading institution in China’s public health education and research, has long been collaborating with WHO where many alumni of Peking University serve. WHO plays an irreplaceable role in preventing diseases and promoting public health. Students in the School aspire to work with WHO. That is why we are arranging a field visit to WHO headquarters.

    We, a group of 15 students, would like to visit WHO at your convenience. I was wondering whether WHO could be our host and kindly organise a guided tour for us. We stand ready to adapt to your schedule.

    We value the visit. Looking forward to your reply. Many thanks for your time and consideration.

    Yours truly,

    Li Ming

    P.S. I haven’t found the link to WHO Group Reservations Form. If there is such a form, would you please send me the link or an electronic version? I shall fill it out as soon as possible.

    任务2:积累表达和句型

    就业促进会、招聘会 an employment promotion event, job fair, career affair

    学校:区分college, university, school, institution, academy, institute 

    校友:男校友alumnus ( 复数alumni), 【美语】女校友alumna(复数alumnae)

    精彩句子:to help build a better and healthier China and contribute to a wider world; A visit means a lot to us. 

    P.S. 

    在写请求信的作业前,我在网上搜索了这篇资料,作为参考。特此贴出来,对比一下我的原版本中雷同的地方。


    WHO | Peking University: School of Public Health

    共有三处 in China's public health and research; public health; maintains a good collaborative relationship with WHO. 

    在直播课上举手坦白后,我深感不安,在写完这篇复盘前,特此公布,以此为戒。修改版我也对照了一下,同样借鉴了前两处。

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