3 ways to build a happy marriage

3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce
建立幸福婚姻，避免离婚的三种方式

演说者：George Blair-West

Almost 50 years ago, psychiatrists Richard Rahe and Thomas Holmes developed an inventory of the most distressing human experiences that we could have. Number one on the list? Death of a spouse. Number two, divorce. Three, marital separation. Now, generally, but not always, for those three to occur, we need what comes in number seven on the list, which is marriage.

差不多五十年前，精神病学家理查德·赖特和托马斯·赫姆斯列出了一份清单，包含了我们所能拥有的最痛苦的人类经历。排名第一的是配偶的去世。第二：离婚。第三：婚内分居。通常是这样，但并非总是如此，要让这三件事情发生，我们需要先实现名单上的第七条，也就是婚姻。

Fourth on the list is imprisonment in an institution. Now, some say number seven has been counted twice.

名单上的第四条是在监狱里被监禁。有人会说第七条已经算了两次。（译者注：将婚姻比做囚牢）

I don't believe that.

对此我并不认同。

When the life stress inventory was built, back then, a long-term relationship pretty much equated to a marriage. Not so now. So for the purposes of this talk, I'm going to be including de facto relationships, common-law marriages and same-sex marriages, or same-sex relationships soon to become marriages. And I can say from my work with same-sex couples, the principles I'm about to talk about are no different. They're the same across all relationships.

在这份生活压力清单诞生的那个年代，一个长期的关系几乎等同于婚姻。现在情况已经不同了，为了本次演讲的目的，我将会考虑同居关系，事实婚姻，以及同性婚姻，或者说同性关系，希望很快会成为婚姻。基于我与若干对同性伴侣的合作，我要谈的原则没有什么不同，它们在所有关系中都适用。

So in a modern society, we know that prevention is better than cure. We vaccinate against polio, diphtheria, tetanus, whooping cough, measles. We have awareness campaigns for melanoma, stroke, diabetes -- all important campaigns. But none of those conditions come close to affecting 45 percent of us. Forty-five percent: that's our current divorce rate. Why no prevention campaign for divorce?

在现代社会中，我们知道预防胜于治疗。我们接种疫苗预防脊髓灰质炎，白喉，破伤风，百日咳，麻疹。我们还开展了关于黑色素瘤、中风、糖尿病的认知运动。这些都是重要的运动，但其中没有一项能影响接近45%的人口。45%。这就是我们目前的离婚率。

Well, I think it's because our policymakers don't believe that things like attraction and the way relationships are built is changeable or educable. Why? Well, our policymakers currently are Generation X. They're in their 30s to 50s. And when I'm talking to these guys about these issues, I see their eyes glaze over, and I can see them thinking, "Doesn't this crazy psychiatrist get it?

为什么没有预防离婚的运动？我认为这是因为我们的政策制定者不相信吸引力和建立关系的方式是可以改变的，或者可以教育的。为什么呢？事实上，目前我们的政策制定者是X一代，他们的年龄在30至60岁。当我和这些人谈论这些问题时，我看到他们一脸茫然，很显然他们在想：“难道这个疯狂的精神病学家不明白吗？

You can't control the way in which people attract other people and build relationships." Not so, our dear millennials. This is the most information-connected, analytical and skeptical generation, making the most informed decisions of any generation before them. And when I talk to millennials, I get a very different reaction. They actually want to hear about this. They want to know about how do we have relationships that last?

你不能控制人们相互吸引和建立关系的方式。”而对我们亲爱的千禧一代来说并不是这样。这是信息联系最紧密、分析能力最强、最具怀疑精神的一代，相比之前的任何一代人，他们能做出最明智的决定。当我和千禧一代交谈时，我得到了一个非常不同的反应。他们乐意洗耳恭听。他们想知道我们该如何维持长久的关系。

So for those of you who want to embrace the post- "romantic destiny" era with me, let me talk about my three life hacks for preventing divorce. Now, we can intervene to prevent divorce at two points: later, once the cracks begin to appear in an established relationship; or earlier, before we commit, before we have children. And that's where I'm going to take us now.

所以，对于那些想和我一起拥抱“后浪漫命运”时代的人，不妨听我说说三个防止离婚的生活技巧。我们可以在两个时间点进行干预，以防止离婚：在后期，当一个确定的关系出现了裂缝；或者在早期，在我们做出承诺之前，生孩子之前，这就是我现在要讨论的时期。

So my first life hack: millennials spend seven-plus hours on their devices a day. That's American data. And some say, probably not unreasonably, this has probably affected their face-to-face relationships. Indeed, and add to that the hookup culture, ergo apps like Tinder, and it's no great surprise that the 20-somethings that I work with will often talk to me about how it is often easier for them to have sex with somebody that they've met than have a meaningful conversation.

我的第一个生活技巧：千禧一代每天花在电子设备上的时间达到了七小时以上。这是美国的数据。有人说，该说法可能不无道理，这可能会影响他们面对面时的关系。的确，而且这种“牵线文化”催生了像Tinder这样的应用程序，这也难怪，与我合作的那些20多岁的年轻人往往会和我谈到，相比展开一次有意义的对话，跟遇到的人直接发生性关系，常常更容易。

Now, some say this is a bad thing. I say this is a really good thing. It's a particularly good thing to be having sex outside of the institution of marriage. Now, before you go out and get all moral on me, remember that Generation X, in the American Public Report, they found that 91 percent of women had had premarital sex by the age of 30.Ninety-one percent.

有人说这是件坏事儿。我却说这真是一件好事儿。在婚姻制度之外发生性关系尤其是件好事儿。不过在你开始评论我的道德观之前，别忘了，在《美国公共报告》中，他们发现X一代中有91%的女性在30岁之前有过婚前性行为。91%。

It's a particularly good thing that these relationships are happening later. See, boomers in the '60s -- they were getting married at an average age for women of 20 and 23 for men. 2015 in Australia? That is now 30 for women and 32 for men. That's a good thing, because the older you are when you get married, the lower your divorce rate. Why? Why is it helpful to get married later? Three reasons.

这些关系在较晚的时候发生尤其是个好现象。想想看，60年代婴儿潮时期出生的人们——他们结婚时女性平均为20岁，男性为23岁。2015年澳大利亚的数据表明，女性婚龄推迟到了30岁，男性是32岁。这是件好事，因为你越是晚婚，离婚率就越低。为什么呢？

Firstly, getting married later allows the other two preventers of divorce to come into play. They are tertiary education and a higher income, which tends to go with tertiary education. So these three factors all kind of get mixed up together. Number two, neuroplasticity research tell us that the human brain is still growing until at least the age of 25.

为什么晚婚有助于维持婚姻？有三个原因。首先，晚婚可以让防止离婚的另外两个因素发挥作用，即高等教育，和较高的收入，这样的人也往往愿意与高学历的人结婚。这三个因素几乎是交织在一起的。第二：神经可塑性研究告诉我们，人类的大脑在25岁之前仍然在发育。

So that means how you're thinking and what you're thinking is still changing up until 25. And thirdly, and most importantly to my mind, is personality. Your personality at the age of 20 does not correlate with your personality at the age of 50. But your personality at the age of 30 does correlate with your personality at the age of 50.

这意味着你的思维方式以及你所思考的事物在25岁之前都是不断变化的。第三，对我来说最重要的是人格。你在20岁时的人格与50岁时的人格并不相关。但是你在30岁时的人格与50岁时的人格有关。

So when I ask somebody who got married young why they broke up, and they say, "We grew apart," they're being surprisingly accurate, because the 20s is a decade of rapid change and maturation.

所以，当我问一个早婚的人他们为什么分手，他们会说，“我们都变了。”真是一语中的，因为20多岁正是人们迅速变化和成熟的十年。

So the first thing you want to get before you get married is older.

所以你在结婚前想做的第一件事就是变老。

Number two, John Gottman, psychologist and relationship researcher, can tell us many factors that correlate with a happy, successful marriage. But the one that I want to talk about is a big one: 81percent of marriages implode, self-destruct, if this problem is present. And the second reason why I want to talk about it here is because it's something you can evaluate while you're dating.

第二。心理学家和关系研究员约翰·戈特曼可以告诉我们许多与幸福和成功的婚姻相关的因素。但我想谈的是个很大的因素。存在这个问题的婚姻中有80%会破裂并走向终结。我想在这里谈论它，是因为你在约会时就可以对它进行评估。

Gottman found that the relationships that were the most stable and happy over the longer term were relationships in which the couple shared power. They were influence able: big decisions, like buying a house, overseas trips, buying a car, having children. But when Gottman drilled down on this data, what he found was that women were generally pretty influence able. Guess where the problem lay?

戈特曼发现，在那些最稳定和辛福的长期关系中，夫妻双方会共享权力。他们相互影响：在大决定的决定上，比如买房子，出国旅行，买车，生孩子。但是当戈特曼深入研究这些数据时，他发现女性通常都是易受影响的。猜猜问题在哪里？

Yeah, there's only two options here, isn't there? Yeah, we men were to blame. The other thing that Gottman found is that men who are influence able also tended to be "outstanding fathers." So women: How influence able is your man? Men: you're with her because you respect her. Make sure that respect plays out in the decision-making process.

没错，这里只有两个选择。是的，责任在我们男人身上。戈特曼发现的另一件事是，愿意被影响的男人也往往被认为是“杰出的父亲。”那么女士们，你的男人有多么愿意受你影响？先生们：你和她在一起，因为你尊重她。请确保你在做决定时也会带着这样的尊重。

Number three. I'm often intrigued by why couples come in to see me after they've been married for 30 or 40 years. This is a time when they're approaching the infirmities and illness of old age. It's a time when they're particularly focused on caring for each other. They'll forgive things that have bugged them for years.

第三。我常常很好奇，为什么那些夫妻在结婚了三四十年之后才来找我。在这段时期，他们正在经历高龄带来的衰弱和疾病，也正是在这段时期，他们特别专注于彼此照顾。他们会原谅多年来困扰他们的事。

They'll forgive all betrayals, even infidelities, because they're focused on caring for each other. So what pulls them apart? The best word I have for this is reliability, or the lack thereof. Does your partner have your back? It takes two forms. Firstly, can you rely on your partner to do what they say they're going to do?

他们会原谅旧日的背叛甚至不忠，因为他们专注于彼此关怀。那么是什么把他们分开了呢？对此，我能想到的最恰当的词是可靠性，或缺乏可靠性。你的伴侣支持你吗？支持有两种形式。首先，你相信你的伴侣会说到做到吗？

Do they follow through? Secondly, if, for example, you're out and you're being verbally attacked by somebody, or you're suffering from a really disabling illness, does your partner step up and do what needs to be done to leave you feeling cared for and protected?

他们会坚持到底吗？其次，比如说，如果你出门在外被人用言辞羞辱，或者你患有一种让你生活无法自理的疾病，你的伴侣是否会做出相应的行动，让你感到被人照顾和保护？

And here's the rub: if you're facing old age, and your partner isn't doing that for you -- in fact, you're having to do that for them-- then in an already-fragile relationship, it can look a bit like you might be better off out of it rather than in it. So is your partner there for you when it really matters?

这就是问题所在：如果你已步入暮年，而你的伴侣并没有做到这些——事实上，你反而不得不为他们这样做——而你们的关系已经脆弱不堪，那么看上去脱离这段关系对你来说更好。硬刺，在重要的时候，你的伴侣会陪着你吗？

Not all the time, 80 percent of the time, but particularly if it's important to you. On your side, think carefully before you commit to do something for your partner. It is much better to commit to as much as you can follow through than to commit to more sound-good-in-the-moment and then let them down. And if it's really important to your partner, and you commit to it, make sure you move hell and high water to follow through.

我不是说所有的时间，80%的时间，特别是在很重要的事情上。对你来说，在你对伴侣做出承诺前要三思而行。能够量力而行的做出承诺，相比当时信誓旦旦，后来却让他们失望要好得多。如果这对你的伴侣非常重要，并且你已经做出了承诺，请确保你无论如何都要兑现诺言。

Now, these are things that I'm saying you can look for. Don't worry, these are also things that can be built in existing relationships.

这些就是你可以审视的东西。不过别担心，这些也可以在现有的关系中建立。

I believe that the most important decision that you can make is who you choose as a life partner, who you choose as the other parent of your children. And of course, romance has to be there. Romance is a grand and beautiful and quirky thing. But we need to add to a romantic, loving heart an informed, thoughtful mind, as we make the most important decision of our life.

我认为，你可以做出的最重要的决定就是选择谁作为生活伴侣，选择谁作为孩子的另一个家长。当然，浪漫不能少，浪漫是一件盛大，美丽而又神奇的事情。但当我们做出生命中最重要的决定时，还要怀有一颗浪漫的，充满爱的心，以及一个理解的，体贴周到的头脑。

Thank you.(Applause)

谢谢大家。（掌声）