It’s easy to get into the habit of constantly complaining, emitting negativity, and falling into a trap of always seeing the worst. While I’ll always have gripes, I’ve learned to complain in a more productive way with these five steps.
Track your complaints for a day
Just as tracking the number of times we check our phones can jolt us into becoming more self-disciplined about mindless scrolling, we can reel in our complaining by paying attention to when we do it. Try it for a day: First, estimate how many times you think you complain. Then, starting from the moment you wake, list every complaint you utter in a small notebook. Simply being more conscious of how much you complain can help you limit the habit.
Categorize your complaints
According to psychologist Robert Biswas-Diener, the author of The Courage Quotient and Happiness, there are three types of complaints. Knowing which category yours fall into can help you to complain more mindfully and strategically.
Chronic complaints: These are persistent complaints by people who never seem to be satisfied. Chronic complainers “have a tendency to ruminate on problems and to focus on setbacks over progress,” Biswas-Diener writes. An example might be nonstop complaints about a job by someone who’s doing nothing to improve the situation.
Venting: Venting is primarily about getting something off one’s chest — and receiving validation. Like chronic complainers, venters aren’t focused on finding a solution. An example of venting might be someone calling a friend to complain about the latest annoying thing their partner has done, but having no intention of listening to advice or addressing the issue with their partner directly.
Instrumental complaints: These are complaints that have a goal of finding a solution. They state the problem as the first step in a longer process. An example might be someone who complains about the house always being messy, but then follows it up by making an action plan to keep the house in better order.
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