[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Joey, Phoebeand Monica are there.]
Monica: There's nothing to tell! It-it's, just some guy I work with!
Joey:Come on, you aregoing outwith the guy. There'sgottabe something wrong with him!
Chandler: All right, Joey, be nice. So does he have ahump?Ahump and ahairpiece?
Phoebe: Wait, does he eatchalk?
[Monica is ratherbemused.]
Phoebe: Just,'causeI don't want her togo throughwhat I went through with Carl. Oh.
Monica: Okay, everybody relax. Relax. This is not even a date. It's not. It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.
Chandler:Sounds like a date to me.
Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school. I'm standing in the middle of thecafeteria, and I realize I am totallynaked.
All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.
Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone…there.
Joey: Instead of…?
Chandler: That's right!
All: Never had that one. No.
Chandler: All of a sudden,the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do. Everybody starts looking at me.
Monica: They weren't looking at you before?
Chandler: Finally, IfigureI'd betteranswer it. And itturns outit's my mother, which is veryveryweird, because…she never calls me.
Ross: [depressed]Hi.
Joey: This guy says hello, Iwanna kill myself.
Monica: You okay,sweetie?
Ross: I justfeel likesomeone reached down mythroat,grabbed mysmall intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck.
Chandler: Cookie?
Monica: [explains to the others] Carol moved her stuff out today.
All: Ohh.
Monica: [to Ross] Let me get you some coffee.
Ross: Thanks.
[He goes to sit on the couch. Phoebe starts topluck atthe air in front of him.]
Phoebe: Ooh! Ah!
Ross: No.Oh, no. Don't! Stopcleansingmyaura. No. Justleave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine. Bemurky!
Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No, you don't.
Ross: No, I don't.To hell withher, she left me!
Joey: You never knew she was alesbian?
Ross: No! Okay?! Why does everyone keepfixatingon that? She didn't know. How should I know?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. [They all stare at him.]Did I say thatout loud?
Ross: I told Mom and Dadlast night. They, they seemed to take it pretty well.
Monica: Oh, really? So thathystericalphone call I got from a womansobbingat 3A.M.,'I'll never have grandchildren. I'll never have grandchildren.' was what? A wrong number?
Ross: Sorry.
Joey: Alright, Ross. Look, you're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?
[Rossgestureshisconsent.]
Joey:Strip joint! C'mon, you're single. Have somehormones!
Ross: See, but I don't want to be single, okay? I just, I just, I just wanna be married again.
[Rachel enters in a wetwedding dressand starts to search the room.]
Chandler:And I just want a million dollars! [extends his hand hopefully]
Monica: Rachel?
Rachel: Oh God, Monica, hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there.And then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here. And you are, you are!
Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?
Monica: [pointing at Rachel]Decaf. [to All]Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, anotherLincoln High survivor.
[to Rachel] This is everybody. This is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and, you remember my brother Ross?
Rachel:Sure! Hi.
Ross: Hi.
[Rachel goes to shake hands with Ross. But Ross' umbrella opens. He sits back downdejectedly. There is a moment of silence.]
Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wetbridesmaids?
Rachel: Oh God. Well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in this room where we were keeping all the presents. And I was looking at this gravy boat. This reallygorgeousLimoges gravy boat.
When all of a sudden, I realized-[to the waitress that brought her coffee] Sweet'n Low? - I realized, I realizedthat I was moreturned onby this gravy boat than by Barry. And then I got reallyfreaked out. And that's when ithit me: How much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head.You know, I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but…[hands the Sweet'n Low to Ross] Anyway, I just had to get out of there. And I started wondering'Why am I doing this?'and 'Who am I doing this for?'. [to Monica] So anyway,I just didn't know where to go. And I know that you and I havekindadrifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here inthe city.
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding.
Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be anissue.
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