读毛姆的小说《面纱》（ THE PAINTED VEIL），这爱情故事，看得很揪心，又难过。女主至始至终都没有爱过男主，嫁给了他，但是好好的男主放着不爱，傻傻地爱上别人。生气……心疼男主。
韩剧里，男女主人公不管擦肩而过多少回、相互误会多少次，至少他们都是相爱的。国内仙侠剧，三生三世，依然可以相爱相杀，又甜又虐，千年万年…
相比之下，毛姆的现实很残忍。

电影《面纱》剧照

故事，剧透

女主Kitty，生长在上世纪初的英国，作为姐妹俩中更美丽动人的那位，从小被母亲寄予厚望，活跃在社交圈，时刻为觅得佳婿准备着——可惜事与愿违，虽也有男生追求，挑来挑去，错过最好的年华。在25岁的尴尬年纪，眼看着不如自己的妹妹都找到不错对象快结婚了，Kitty遇到了Walter。Walter是在中国工作的细菌学家，马上就要返回当时还是英国殖民地的香港，喜欢上Kitty，于是贸然求婚。权衡之下，Kitty答应了求婚，嫁给了Walter，并跟随他前往中国。但婚后两年，Kitty始终也没有喜欢上深爱她的丈夫，却与当地一个英国男人搞起了婚外情。

小说的第一章，Kitty在家偷情，忽然发现好像有人推过门。

She gave a startled cry.
‘What’s the matter?’ he asked.
Notwithstanding the darkness of the shuttered room he saw her face on a sudden distraught with terror.
‘Some one just tried the door.’

故事就此开始。
这俩人分析、纠结，究竟她丈夫回来过没有；究竟他知道不知道；如果知道，以他的性格、处境会作何反应；会不会选择视而不见等等。女主一开始很心慌，但在情人的宽慰下似乎也就坦然了——她天真地以为如果自己离婚对方也会离婚娶她。

直到有一天，Walter摊牌自己其实知道一切。他给她两个选择，一起去Mei-Tan-Fu（当时霍乱肆虐中的国边境小镇），或者如果对方愿意离婚娶她，那他也可以放手。但是女主爱上的人，其实是个人渣，自是不愿意离婚的，翻脸比翻书快，但甜言蜜语依然很能忽悠人。没得选，不得不跟着Walter一起去了Mei-tan-fu。

Mei-tan-fu

百般不愿意地去了死亡之地，Kitty一开始充满了怨恨，直到与在当地修道院的修女接触、做义工，一点点更多地了解Walter的另一面，慢慢接受Walter，希望得到他的原谅、希望成为朋友。

但是，直到Walter染病忽然去世，两人最终也并没有真正在心里走在一起。

这本小说据说主要是描写女性觉醒。
小说的最后，怀着孕的Kitty回了英国，并打算接下来跟随她父亲离开英国，去另一个殖民地。她说了这么一段话。

'I want a girl because I want to bring her up so that she shan’t make the mistakes I’ve made. When I look back upon the girl I was I hate myself. But I never had a chance. I’m going to bring up my daughter so that she’s free and can stand on her own feet. I’m not going to bring a child to the world, and love her, and bring her up, just so that some man may want to sleep with her so much that he’s willing to provide her with board and lodging for the rest of her life. ’

不是深情就可以白头

男主Walter的正面描写其实不多，但深得我心。也许因为印象中电影里男主角很帅，先入为主的好感。又或者，因为人物设定，在那样的年代的科学家、医学工作者，个子不高、高冷英俊，世事洞明、却不世故，心地善良，在异国他乡从事着女主无法理解的工作，略微沉默、害羞，但也有追求所爱的勇气，明知女主是为了逃避现实才嫁给自己、而且一直从未爱过自己，却依然一往情深，哪怕在遭到背叛要惩罚女主的时候，若女主有更好的选择，依然愿意放手。
这样的男主人公，实在是很难让人不喜欢。

心疼男主无数次，特别希望女主哪怕有一个瞬间是爱上男主的也好。可惜并没有。

令人心碎的三个场景

NO.1-I knew ……，but I loved you.

明明知道你诸多不好，我还是曾那么爱你。
（23章）
东窗事发后，两人之间有过一段谈话。
这一段长长的告白，写尽男主一厢情愿和一往情深。一句又一句的I knew ……，but I loved you。是告白也是控诉。
如果字字句句是刀，戳的都是Walter自己的心窝吧。
看得人很难过。

'Do you know why I married you?'
'Because you wanted to be married before your sister Doris.'
It was true, but it gave her a funny little turn to realize that he knew it. Oddly enough, even in that moment of fear and anger, it excited her compassion. He faintly smiled.
'I had no illusions about you,' he said, ' I knew you were silly and frivolous and empty-headed. But I loved you. I knew that your aims and ideals were vulgar and commonplace. But I loved you. I knew that you were second-rate. But I loved you. It's comic when I think how hard I tried to be amused by the things that amused you and how anxious I was to hide from you that I wasn't ignorant and vulgar and scandal-mongering and stupid. I knew how frightened you were of intelligence and I did everything I could to make you think I was a big fool as the rest of the men you knew. I knew that you'd married me for convenience. I loved you so much, I didn't care.
……
I never expected you to love me, I didn't see any reason that you should, I never thought myself very lovable. I was thankful to be allowed to love you and I was enraptured when now and then I thought you were pleased with me or when I noticed in your eyes a gleam of good-humored affection. I tried not to bore you with my love; I knew I couldn't afford to do that and I was always on lookout for the first sign that you were impatient with my affection. What most husbands expect as a right I was prepared to receive as a favor. '

No.2 - ‘I don't know,’ she said.

小说后半截，女主在修道院做义工，有一天忽然晕倒。
（56章）
他关心心切，提前结束工作回家，才知道她不是生病，而是怀孕了。
他问自己是不是孩子的父亲。

She began to weep. She had lied so much and she could lie so easily. What could a lie matter when it could only do good? A lie, a lie, what is a lie? It was so easy to say yes. She saw Walter’s eyes melt and his arms outstretched towards her. She couldn't say it; she didn't know why. All she had gone through during this bitter weeks, Charlie and his unkindness, the cholera and all these people dying, the nuns, oddly enough even that funny, drunken little Waddington, it all seemed to have changed her so that she did not know herself; though she was so deeply moved, some bystander in her soul seemed to watch her with terror and surprise. She had to tell the truth...
......
At last she answered the question. He had asked her if he was the child’s farther.
‘I don't know,’ she said.
He gave the ghost of a chuckle. It made Kitty shudder.
‘It’s a bit awkward, isn’t it?’

女主犹豫半天，哭泣半天。
男主最后等到的回答是她不知道。
明明撒谎可以更容易，但她并没有。

No.3- 'I despise myself.'

（46章）
Kitty想求得Walter原谅。她问他。

'Do you absolutely despise me, Walter?'
'No.' He hesitated and his voice was strange, 'I despise myself.'

47章的中间，接着问，

'Why do you despise yourself?' She asked, hardly knowing that she spoke, as though she were continuing without a break the earlier conversation.
He put down his book and observed her reflectively. He seemed to gather his thoughts from a remote distance. ’Because I loved you.’
……
It was true enough, he would not forgive her because he could not forgive himself.
She thought that she heard him give a faint sigh and she shot a rapid glance at him. A sudden thought struck her and it took her breath away. She only just refrained from giving a cry.
Was is what they called- a broken heart- that he suffered from?

补记:
难得一口气读完一本英文小说。虽然有些生词，但是从头到尾不去管它，也不会影响阅读。毕竟小说不用逐字逐句理解。而且这故事简单，内容除了简单对话，大部分就是女主的心理描写。话虽如此，依然可以感受到文字本身的细腻传神，尤其是一点点刻画女主心理变化。
很久前读毛姆小说，比如月亮和六便士（刀锋更早，都不记得讲了啥），并没有感受到他的小说为什么很受追捧的原因。
看来也可以考虑找英文原著重读一遍。