It is a quandary every couple with childreneventually faces: Should we fight in front of the kids?
The answer is complicated. Childpsychologists who study the issue tend to say yes -- if parents can manage toargue in a healthy way. That means disagreeing respectfully and avoidingname-calling, insults, dredging up past infractions or storming off in anger,for starters.
'Kids are going to have disagreements withtheir friends, their peers, co-workers, ' says Patrick Davies, a professor ofpsychology at the University of Rochester. 'If they don't witness disagreementsand how they are handled in constructive ways, they are not well-equipped to goout into the world and address inevitable conflict.'
Dr. Davies and fellow researchers foundthat 'constructive' marital conflict was associated with an increase inchildren's emotional security, in their study of 235 families with childrenages 5 to 7 published in 2009 in the Journal of Child Psychology andPsychiatry. Other studies have linked constructive marital conflict with thehealthy development of children's problem-solving and coping skills and evenhappiness.
A growing awareness of how and where tofight with a spouse when kids are involved is being spurred in part by a proliferationof research linking children's exposure to a lot of unhealthy marital conflict-- characterized by hostility, threats and insults -- with a greater risk ofanxiety disorders, depression and behavior problems. Also, a generation ofyoung parents who grew up as kids of divorce in the 1970s and 1980s are nowscrutinizing how their parents fought. Some vow to do things differently withtheir own progeny.
Even infants can be affected by angrydisagreements -- even when they're asleep. A study published in May in thejournal Psychological Science took 24 babies from 6- to 12-months-old andexposed them to various tones of voice (very angry, mildly angry, happy andneutral) while they were lying asleep in an fMRI scanner. Those infants infamilies with higher levels of conflict between spouses had elevated responsesin parts of the brain associated with reactions to stress and emotionregulation when exposed to the very angry voices during the study. Babies 'arestill sensitive to things even when they're asleep, ' says Alice Graham, adoctoral candidate in psychology at the University of Oregon and lead author ofthe study. 'The idea of it being a time to let loose when infants are asleep isprobably not accurate.'
Still, beyond universal agreement against physicalconfrontation, opinions vary on the right approach. Some experts say parentsshould keep arguments away from children because it's just too hard to fightwell. 'If [parents] are going to have disagreements, they should do that inprivate as much as possible, ' says Thomas McInerny, president of the AmericanAcademy of Pediatrics. 'It is the rare instance when [couples] can keep itrational and keep it calm.'
How to keep things from getting too heatedfor little eyes and ears? Child psychologist Kirsten Cullen Sharma suggeststhat parents agree in advance on an anger cutoff point for arguments. On ananger scale of one to 10, she asks individuals to define the number when theyfeel they start to yell, curse or generally lose control. (For one person, itcould be a five. For another, it could be a seven.) During a disagreement, whenMom or Dad hits the cutoff number, the couple tables the argument to a timewhen the kids are asleep or aren't around. Either party can say when the otherperson has reached that limit.
'One of the great skills parents can offertheir children is conflict resolution. That helps [kids] in their futurerelationships, ' says Dr. Cullen Sharma, co-director of the early childhoodclinical service at the Child Study Center at NYU Langone Medical Center.
Caroline Rheinfrank and Chopper Bernet havean unofficial five-minute time limit for disagreements in front of their threechildren, ages 15, 14 and 11. 'Now that they are older, they comprehend more, 'says Ms. Rheinfrank, a stay-at-home mother in Los Angeles. Or as Mr. Bernet, anactor, explains, 'Parents need timeouts, too.' The couple also tries to preventpotential blowups by cutting each other extra slack during times with highbicker potential, including while in the car and just before dinner.
Parents should use their kids' reactionduring a fight as a guide, experts say. A crying child is an obvious sign toend an argument. But there are more subtle cues that a kid is distressed, Dr.Davies says. 'When they start freezing, they are stuck still for a few seconds,that is a really negative sign that they feel like they are in extreme danger,' he says. Other kids tend to 'slump over, lethargic, and look like they aresort of depressed.'
Some kids misbehave to try to distract parentsfrom the conflict. Other children attempt to insert themselves and try tomediate or take sides. All of these are signs that an argument needs to be puton hold, Dr. Davies says.
It is not OK to drag kids into a parentalfight or encourage them to take sides, Dr. Cullen Sharma says. And don't befooled if a teen appears nonchalant about his parents' below-the-belt fighting:'They roll their eyes, but that does not make it less painful, ' says Alan E.Kazdin, director of the Yale Parenting Center and a professor of psychology andchild psychiatry at Yale University.
Making sure kids see some kind ofresolution to the argument is crucial, Dr. Kazdin says. 'Is there a nice makeupperiod and mundane chatter? Routine kind of banter will greatly alleviate thechild's anxiety, ' he says. This doesn't mean that the conflict has to besolved. You may just decide to settle it later or agree to disagree. And evenmore critical, Dr. Kazdin says, is what goes on in the marital relationshipduring non-conflict times. 'The proportion of fighting to affectionate talk isthe issue, ' he says.
Georgi and Rick Silverman have decided notto hide arguments -- often about the division of household labor or Mr.Silverman's weekend sports viewing -- from their kids, ages 9 and 3. But theyalso make sure the children see them make up. 'We'll hold hands and he'll hugme and we'll say we love each other, ' says Ms. Silverman, a stay-at-homemother in Houston. 'Even if I'm a little upset, I want the kids to know, 'Istill love your Mom and I'm not going anywhere, ' ' says Mr. Silverman, thechief financial officer of a facilities-maintenance business, whose parentsdivorced when he was 13.
Bottling up anger and giving a spouse thecold shoulder when the kids are around can end up making things worse. Thesilent treatment is actually more distressing for kids than a healthy argument,Dr. Davies says. 'Kids pick up on that. But they don't know what is going on, 'he says, adding that children may think the fight -- and its potential consequences-- are much worse than they actually are.
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