About one month ago, I quitted my longest part-time job, because I didn’t have time to do computer sales any more; and now I am going to quit another part time job-packing stuff at home, because I get super upset if the UPS rings the door. It’s sad. I seek every chance to make money, but none can work out very well; I spare no effort to be independent, but I stuck here still. Food share and child care application were turned down, as I and my ex still are in the same household and his income is not low. I was planning to move out as I thought I would have the money for deposit and first month rent, but my bf told me no landlords would accept my renting application as I don’t have a regular job to keep paying.
So why I don’t have a full-time job? Because I have to watch my two kids five days a week? No, I could send them to day care, only my little girl need day care, my boy is in school. Then why I didn’t send my girl to day care? Because I can not drive and day care doesnot cover the transportation! Damn, why I can not drive? This stupid basic requirement almost drowned me! If I knew my American life would be so “dramatic “ because I can’t drive, I would learn to drive in China with any cost!
Yes I could return to the court to ask the kids father to pay higher child support or share the days with me like each week half half to watch the kids. That would work out? I did think about that, but it won’t be a good idea.
1st I deeply know I take care of my kids much better than kids’ father, I will raise them in better ways, I and kids father had a lot of conflicts on parenting, half half would just raise the difficulty for me to parent the kids.
2nd of course the judge will support me and make kids father pay higher child support if he can not watch kids more than two days, as right now he is paying the lowest. But he’s already got a lot of bills to pay each month, I am not positive he can pay more child support, and I will be more upset than now if one day we end up with sending my ex to jail. He is not good at financial at all, he might not able to someday. He was not a good husband but he loves the kids more than before and kids love him as well. Another thing is, though it is by the law he supposed to pay higher child support, but I know he has been depressed for long time, there are not so many things to make him happy, and taking money from him is one of. Not like me. I am as happy as s spring bird if I don’t need worry about survival. I can be very independent to raise my own kids, with the help of kids father, but not relying on his money.
3rd I do love my kids very much and I am very happy to watch them most of the days in a week. My boy could be out of control certain times, but my apology to him that he was not raised in a peaceful family, I am his mother and I sometimes can not be myself in my situation. I don’t know in my kids eyes what I was like when I was very upset and angry, I could be mean too. I try to right my wrongs and keep telling myself Don’t push them away or stop them coming to me.
So My plans are all dead, and at some moments I wish I could be dead. Just kidding, I am living well, and happy most of the time, and I m saving at least 50$ each month. I do get a lot of support from my family both in China and in America, my friends and my sweetheart. I should be very grateful, and stop complaining. Kind of hate the weak me, try to kick my weak side away. Failing. Chinese New Year is 10days away, my old father is working his butt off in the factory, what I am complaining about! I miss my China family so much.
As the old people say
My dear children please don’t go far away
Your clothes may get dirty
The roads are very slippery
You could get stuck
Wherever dangers stay
I always hear the bird
I wish it could bring your word
I often make your favorite food
Wish you could smell its taste
But year after year
You are still not here
I dry my eyes
Laugh out in my dreams
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