Why 30 is not the new 20?

“二十岁的人生，三十岁不能重来”。看到这句话，你会想到什么？

也许你能理解二十岁到三十岁这十年，是个黄金十年，代表着青春、活力、拼搏、努力......

也许你也想过，在这个晚婚晚育的时代，三十岁刚刚好。

二十岁和三十岁的差距究竟在哪里？ 为什么三十岁不能活的像二十岁的时候？

也许听完这篇TED演讲，你会有所感触，二十多岁你，会更加握紧剩余不多的2字打头时光；三十多岁的你，也会在3字打头的时间里，有所顿悟地，继续前行。

When I was in my 20s, I saw my very first psychotherapy client.

二十多岁时，我见到我第一位心理治疗病患。

I was a Ph. D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley.

我当时是柏克莱大学临床心理学博士生。

She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex.

她是名叫Alex的26岁女子。

Now Alex walked into her first session, wearing jeans and a big slouchy top.

Alex第一次前来会谈时，穿着牛仔裤和宽大上衣。

And she dropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off her flats.

她一屁股坐在我办公室的沙发上，踢掉她的平底鞋。

And told me she was there to talk about guy problems.

告诉我她想谈谈她和男人的问题。

Now when I heard this, I was so relieved.

听见这句话时，我感到如释重负。

My classmate got an arsonist for her first client.

因为我同学的第一位病人是个纵火犯。

And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys.

我的不过是想聊聊男人的20多岁的年轻女子啊。

This I thought I could handle.

我以为我能搞定这件事。

But I didn't handle it.

事实却不然。

With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session, it was easy for me just to nod my head while we kicked the can down the road.

听着Alex在会谈中所说的有趣故事，对我来说十分轻松，只需点头，避而不谈真正的问题。

"Thirty's the new 20," Alex would say,

"三十岁不就是再活一次二十岁嘛"，Alex说。

And as far as I could tell, she was right.

就我那时的想法，她说的没错。

Work happened later, marriage happened later, kids happened later, even death happened later.

工作、结婚都是之后的事，孩子是之后的事，甚至死亡也是之后的事。

Twentysomethings like Alex, and I had nothing but time.

像 Alex 这样的二十多岁的年轻人，还有我，有的是时间。

But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life.

但不久后，指导教授催促我，去督促 Alex 积极面对她的恋爱关系。

I pushed back.

我不以为然。

I said, "Sure, she's dating down. She's sleeping with a knucklehead, but it's not like she's going to marry the guy".

我说，"没错，她有固定约会对象。她和一个蠢蛋上床。但不代表她会和那个家伙结婚"。

And then my supervisor said,

于是指导教授说，

"Not yet, but she might marry the next one.

"目前是如此，但或许她会和下一个蠢蛋结婚。

Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage is before she has one".

此外，Alex 经营婚姻的最佳时机就是在她结婚前"。

That's what psychologists call an "Aha"! moment.

这就是心理学家所谓的「啊哈！」时刻。

That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20.

那一刻，我领悟到我无法等到三十岁，再重头过二十岁的生活。

Yes, people settle down later than they used to, but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime.

没错，人们比以往更晚成家立业，但不代表 Alex 的二十岁是她的发展停滞期。

That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot, and we were sitting there blowing it.

而是 Alex 的最佳发展时机，我们却坐视这段时光白白流逝。

That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect was a real problem, and it had real consequences,

此时我才明白善意的忽视，确实是个问题，而且会有严重的后果。

Not just for Alex and her love life, but for the careers and the families and the futures of twentysomethings everywhere.

不仅对 Alex 和她的爱情生活来说如此，对所有二十岁的年轻人的事业、家庭和未来亦然。

There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now.

目前美国有五千万名二十多岁的人口。

We're talking about 15 percent of the population, or 100 percent if you consider that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.

大约占总人口的15%，或者说100%，如果考虑到任何迈入成年期的人，他们都曾经历过二十多岁这个年纪。

Raise your hand if you're in your 20s.

现场二十多岁的请举手。

I really want to see some twentysomethings here.

我非常希望在现场见到二十多岁的听众。

Oh, yay! Y'all's awesome.

太好了！你们都棒极了。

If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething, you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see.

如果你和二十多岁的年轻人共事，或是你的交往对象二十多岁，或者是你非常关心二十多岁的年轻人，我想知道你们在哪里？

Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings really matter.

好，棒极了。二十岁左右，这个年龄真的很重要。

So I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings deserves to know what psychologists, sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists already know:

因此我专门研究了他们，因为我认为这五千万名二十多岁年轻人中的每一位都该知道心理学家、社会学家、神经学家及生育专家都知道的事情。

That claiming your 20s is one of the simplest, yet most transformative, things you can do.

二十岁左右的这个年龄是最单纯，也最具可塑性的阶段。

For work, for love, for your happiness, maybe even for the world.

对工作、爱情和幸福来说，也许甚至对全世界来说，都是。

This is not my opinion. These are the facts.

这并非我个人的观点，而是事实。

We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments take place by age 35.

我们知道，人生中 80% 最具决定性的时刻发生于35岁前。

That means that eight out of 10 of the decisions and experiences and "Aha"! moments that make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s.

这意味着你80%的决定、经历和「啊哈！」时刻塑造了你的生活，而且发生于30岁中旬前。

People who are over 40, don't panic.

超过40岁的人别慌。

This crowd is going to be fine, I think.

我想在座的各位应该没问题。

We know that the first 10 years of a career has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn.

我们知道一份职业的最初十年，对你未来的收入，有举足轻重的影响。

We know that more than half of Americans are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30.

我们知道半数以上的美国人，30岁前结婚、同居或约会未来的终生伴侣。

We know that the brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood, which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself,

我们知道大脑在二十多岁这个年纪会历经第二次，及最后一次成长高峰，以转型为成人期。这意味着无论如何，你都打算改变自己。

Now is the time to change it.

此刻正是最佳时机。

We know that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in life.

我们知道性格在二十多岁这个年纪的变化也胜于人生其他阶段。

And we know that female fertility peaks at age 28, and things get tricky after age 35.

我们知道女性生育高峰期是28岁，35岁后则每况愈下。

So your 20s are the time to educate yourself about your body and your options.

因此二十年华正是了解自我身体状况及选择的最佳时机。

So when we think about child development, we all know that the first five years are a critical period for language and attachment in the brain.

因此当我们谈到儿童发展，我们都知道最初五年是大脑语言和情感依附的发展关键期。

It's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life has an inordinate impact on who you will become.

这是日常生活对未来发展影响巨大的阶段。

But what we hear less about is that there's such a thing as adult development, and our 20s are that critical period of adult development.

但我们较少听说的是所谓的成人发展。二十岁的这个年纪，正是成人的发展关键期。

But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing.

但很少有二十多岁的年轻人听说过这件事。

Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood.

报纸谈论的总是成人阶段的变化。

Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence.

研究人员称二十岁世代为青春期的延续。

Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings

新闻记者赋予二十岁世代一些愚蠢的绰号。

like "twixters" and "kidults".

例如「啃老族」和「大孩子」。

It's true.

确实如此。

As a culture, we have trivialized what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.

文化使然，我们轻忽了成人阶段的决定性十年。

Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things, you need a plan and not quite enough time.

伦纳德·伯恩斯坦（著名指挥家）说，欲达成伟大成就，需要一个计划和不甚充裕的时间。

Isn't that true?

事实不就是这样吗？

So what do you think happens when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say, "You have 10 extra years to start your life"?

因此你认为会发生什么事，当你拍着一位二十岁世代年轻人的头说，"你的人生还有十年才开始"？

Nothing happens.

什么也不会发生。

You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition, and absolutely nothing happens.

你剥夺了那个人的迫切感和雄心，不会发生任何结果。

And then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings, like you or like your sons and daughters, come into my office and say things like this:

日复一日地，这些聪明有趣的二十岁年轻人，如同你们或你们的子女，前来我办公室说类似以下的话：

"I know my boyfriend's no good for me, but this relationship doesn't count. I'm just killing time".

"我知道我男友不适合我，但这段感情不能当真，只是打发时间罢了"。

Or they say, "Everybody says as long as I get started on a career by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine".

或是，"每个人都说，我只要在30岁前展开事业就没问题"。

But then it starts to sound like this: "My 20s are almost over, and I have nothing to show for myself.

但之后他们开始这么说："我二字头的人生即将结束，但我却一事无成。

I had a better resume the day after I graduated from college".

我最好从大学毕业那天就开始投履历表"。

And then it starts to sound like this:

然后他们开始这么说：

"Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs.

"二十多岁时的约会就像玩抢座位游戏。

Everybody was running around and having fun, but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off and everybody started sitting down.

大家四处游荡、乐在其中。但30岁左右音乐逐渐停止，大家开始抢座。

I didn't want to be the only one left standing up.

我不想成为唯一站着的人。

so sometimes I think I married my husband because he was the closest chair to me at 30."

因此有时，我觉得和丈夫结婚，只因为他是30岁时离我最近的椅子"。

Where are the twentysomethings here?

我们当中二十几岁的年轻人们呢？

Do not do that.

千万别这么做。

Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake, the stakes are very high.

好，听起来像是说笑，但别误会，其中的风险极大。

When a lot has been pushed to your 30s, there is enormous thirtysomething pressure to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up, and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time.

当许多事拖延到三十岁的时候，将造成三十岁极大的压力。展开事业、选择居住地、寻找伴侣、在极短时间内生两三个孩子。

Many of these things are incompatible.

这些事大多无法同时兼顾。

And as research is just starting to show, simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.

如近期研究结果显示，在三十岁左右同时完成这些事，难度和压力将变得更大。

The post-millennial midlife crisis isn't buying a red sports car.

千禧年后的中年危机，不在于是否买辆红色跑车。

It's realizing you can't have that career you now want.

而在于意识到无法拥有目前想要的事业。

It's realizing you can't have that child you now want, or you can't give your child a sibling.

在于意识到无法生出这时候所想要的孩子，或无法替孩子生出弟弟妹妹。

Too many thirtysomethings and fortysomethings look at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room, and say about their 20s.

太多三十岁及四十岁左右的人，看看自己，然后望着坐在房间另一头的我，开始谈论起他们的二十岁生活。

"What was I doing? What was I thinking"?

"我当时在做什么？在想什么"？

I want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking.

我希望改变二十岁时代的做法和想法。

Here's a story about how that can go.

以下是关于如何着手的故事。

It's a story about a woman named Emma.

这是关于一位名叫Emma的女子的故事。

At 25, Emma came to my office because she was, in her words, having an identity crisis.

25岁时，Emma来到我办公室，因为她－根据她的说法－她正经历身份危机。

She said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment, but she hadn't decided yet.

她说她认为自己或许想从事艺术或娱乐工作，但尚未下定决心。

So she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead.

因此过去几年,她暂时担任餐饮服务生。

Because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriend who displayed his temper more than his ambition.

为了省钱，她和男友同居，他展现脾气的能力更胜于雄心。

And as hard as her 20s were, her early life had been even harder.

尽管她的二十岁生活充满艰辛，她之前的生活更是困难重重。

She often cried in our sessions, but then would collect herself by saying, "You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends".

她经常于会谈中哭泣，但恢复平静后，她说，"你无法选择家庭，但可以选择朋友"。

Well one day, Emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap, and she sobbed for most of the hour.

某天，Emma走进办公室，把头倚在膝盖上，哭了将近一个小时。

She'd just bought a new address book, and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts, but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank that comes after the words.

她刚买了一本新通讯簿，她花了整个上午填写联系人数据，但接着她茫然地盯着，以下文字后的空白。

"In case of emergency, please call . .". . .".

"发生紧急情况时，请拨打...

She was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said,

她几乎是歇斯底里地看着我说，

"Who's going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck?

"如果出车祸，谁会陪在我身边"？

Who's going to take care of me if I have cancer"?

"如果得癌症，谁会照顾我"？

Now in that moment, it took everything I had not to say, "I will".

当时，我费尽心力才忍住说"我会"的冲动。

But what Emma needed wasn't some therapist who really, really cared.

但 Emma 需要的并非一位对她关怀备至的治疗师。

Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was her chance.

Emma 需要更好的生活，我知道这是她的机会。

I had learned too much since I first worked with Alex to just sit there while Emma's defining decade went parading by.

自从治疗 Alex 后，我学到很多。我不会坐视 Emma 的决定性十年，白白流逝。

So over the next weeks and months, I told Emma three things that every twentysomething, male or female, deserves to hear.

因此接下来几周、几个月中，我告诉 Emma，三件每位二十岁世代年轻人，无论男女都该聆听的忠告。

First, I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital.

首先，我要Emma忘了她的身份危机，累积一些身份资本。

By get identity capital, I mean do something that adds value to who you are.

至于累积身份资本，我指的是进行某些增加自我价值的事。

Do something that's an investment in who you might want to be next.

进行某些投资以达成理想中的自己。

I didn't know the future of Emma's career, and no one knows the future of work, but I do know this:

我不知道 Emma 的工作前景，没人知道任何工作的前景，但我确实知道这一点：

Identity capital begets identity capital.

身份资本将衍生身份资本。

So now is the time for that cross-country job, that internship, that startup you want to try.

因此，此时正是接受那份跨国工作，那份实习职位和你想尝试的创业的时机。

I'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here, but I am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count, which, by the way, is not exploration. That's procrastination.

我并非反对二十岁年龄进行探索，但我不赞同无意义的探索，顺带一提，那并非探索，而是浪费时间。

I told Emma to explore work and make it count.

我要 Emma 进行有意义的工作探索。

Second, I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated.

其次，我告诉Emma人们高估了城市部落。

Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport, but twentysomethings who huddle together with like-minded peers limit who they know, what they know, how they think, how they speak, and where they work.

好友是载你去机场的绝佳人选，但二十岁左右的年轻人常聚集的对象，在于志同道合的同龄族群，局限于相识者，彼此知道的事，相似的思考模式和说话方式，及工作地点。

That new piece of capital, that new person to date almost always comes from outside the inner circle.

新资本、新约会对象几乎总是来自圈外。

New things come from what are called our weak ties, our friends of friends of friends.

新事物来自我们所谓的弱连结，例如朋友的朋友的朋友。

So yes, half of twentysomethings are un- or under-employed.

因此，没错，半数二十多岁的人并未就业或拥有全职工作。

But half aren't, and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group.

但其中一半并非如此，弱连结正是使你加入那个族群的方式。

Half of new jobs are never posted, so reaching out to your neighbor's boss is how you get that un-posted job.

半数新职位不曾公布，因此接触邻居的老板正是得到那份未公布工作的方法。

It's not cheating. It's the science of how information spreads.

这并非投机，而是信息传播原理。

Last but not least, Emma believed that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends.

最后，同样重要的是，Emma 认为你无法选择家庭，但可以选择朋友。

Now this was true for her growing up, but as a twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her family when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own.

以她的成长经历来说确实如此，但作为一个二十多岁的年轻人，Emma 很快就得选择自己的家庭，当她和某人结为连理，建立属于自己的家庭。

I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.

我告诉 Emma 此时正是她选择家庭的时机。

Now you may be thinking that 30 is actually a better time to settle down than 20, or even 25, and I agree with you.

你或许认为30岁是较适当的成家时机，相较于20岁，甚至25岁，我同意这一点。

But grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle is not progress.

但套牢某个和你同居或上床的人，当所有Facebook上的朋友开始步入礼堂时，这并非达成某项进展。

The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one, and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work.

经营婚姻的最佳时机正是结婚前，这是指用心看待爱情，如同看待工作般。

Picking your family is about consciously choosing who and what you want rather than just making it work or killing time with whoever happens to be choosing you.

家庭的选择是有意识的选择，选择你想要的人和生活，而非仅是达成目标或打发时间，与恰巧选择你的人。

So what happened to Emma?

Emma 的后续情况如何？

Well, we went through that address book, and she found an old roommate's cousin who worked at an art museum in another state.

好，我们翻阅那本通讯簿，她发现一位前室友的亲戚任职于他州的艺术博物馆。

That weak tie helped her get a job there.

那个弱连结协助她在当地找到一份工作。

That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend.

那份工作给了她离开同居男友的理由。

Now, five years later, she's a special events planner for museums.

5年后的今天她成了博物馆特殊活动规划者。

She's married to a man she mindfully chose.

她与一位用心选择的人结婚。

She loves her new career, she loves her new family, and she sent me a card that said,

她爱她的新职业，她爱她的新家庭，她寄给我一张卡片，上面写着，

"Now the emergency contact blanks don't seem big enough".

"现在紧急联系人一栏似乎不够大了"。

Now Emma's story made that sound easy, but that's what I love about working with twentysomethings.

Emma 的故事使这件事显得轻而易举，但这就是我喜爱辅导二十岁左右年轻人的原因。

They are so easy to help.

帮助他们十分容易。

Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX, bound for somewhere west.

二十岁就像刚离开洛杉矶国际机场的飞机，准备前往西岸某处。

Right after takeoff, a slight change in course is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji.

起飞后，航线稍微偏移，即降落阿拉斯加或斐济的差别。

Likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29, one good conversation, one good break, one good TED Talk, can have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come.

同样地，在21或25岁，甚至29岁，一场有益的谈话、一次充分的休息、一场卓越的TED演讲，都将对未来几年、甚至几代来说，造成极大影响。

So here's an idea worth spreading to every twentysomething you know.

因此这是一个值得分享的想法，去分享给每位你所认识的二十多岁的年轻人。

It's as simple as what I learned to say to Alex.

这就像我于 Alex 的会谈中所领悟到的道理一样容易。

It's what I now have the privilege of saying to twentysomethings like Emma every single day:

这就是我现在有幸能时时给予像 Emma 这样的二十岁世代的忠告：

Thirty is not the new 20.

二十岁的人生，不能在三十岁重来。

So claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, use your weak ties, pick your family.

因此把握你的成年期，累积一些身份资本，利用你的弱连结，选择你的家庭。

Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do.

别受限于你不知道或不曾做过的事。

You're deciding your life right now.

此刻你正在决定你的人生。