-*-
95
第二天，我起得非常早，我收拾好行李，我想马上回佛罗伦萨，但我没能动身。马尔切洛说，他已经答应了弟弟，要把我们带到阿切拉去看看。我想尽一切办法，想让彼得罗明白，我想走了，但他却表示很愿意去。我们让埃莉莎照顾孩子，那个高大健壮的男人开着车子，把我们拉到一栋低矮的黄色建筑前，是一排长长的平房，那是放鞋子的仓库。一路上，我什么都没有说，彼得罗问起了索拉拉兄弟在德国的生意。马尔切洛语焉不详地说了几句：“意大利、德国、全世界，教授！我要比那些革命者更加革命，对于我，假如能推翻一切，从头开始，我会是站在最前面的人。”后来，他在后视镜里看着我，想获得我的认可，这些话是说给我听的，他很在意我的反应。
The next day I got up very early and
packed the suitcases, I wanted to return to Florence right away. But I
couldn’t. Marcello said he had promised his brother to take us to Acerra and
since Pietro, although I let him know in every possible way that I wanted to
leave, was willing, we left the children with Elisa and agreed to let that
big man drive us to a long, low yellow building, a large shoe warehouse. The
whole way I was silent, while Pietro asked questions about the Solaras’
business in Germany and Marcello equivocated, with disjointed phrases like:
Italy, Germany, the world, Professò, I’m more Communist than the Communists,
more revolutionary than the revolutionaries, for me if you could flatten
everything and build it all again from the beginning I’d be in the first row.
Anyway, he added, looking at me in the rear-view mirror in search of
agreement, love for me comes before everything.
到达了目的地之后，他把我们带到了一间屋顶很低、白炽灯照明的房子里。让我印象最深的是强烈的墨水和尘土的味道，混杂着鞋面和鞋油的味道。马尔切洛说，这就是米凯莱租的那玩意儿。我看了看四周，机器前一个人也没有，“系统3”很不起眼，像一件家具一样，靠墙放着：金属板子、手柄、红色的开关、木头柜子和一张键盘。我一点也不懂，马尔切洛说，这是莉娜搞的玩意儿，但她没有具体的上班时间，她总是在外面。彼得罗很仔细地看了那些金属板子、手柄还有其他东西，很明显，这个现代的东西让他很失望。尤其是，他每问一个问题，马尔切洛都会回答说：“这是我弟弟的事儿，我有其他事儿要操心。”
When we got there, he led us into a
low-ceilinged room, illuminated by neon lights. There was a strong odor of
ink, of dust, of overheated insulators, mixed with that of uppers and shoe
polish. Look, Marcello said, here’s the contraption Michele rented. I looked
around, there was no one at the machine. The System 3 was completely
unremarkable, an uninteresting piece of furniture backed up to a wall: metal
panels, control knobs, a red switch, a wooden shelf, keyboards. I don’t
understand anything about it, said Marcello, this is stuff that Lina knows,
but she doesn’t have a schedule, she’s always in and out. Pietro carefully
examined the panels, the control knobs, everything, but it was clear that
modernity was disappointing him, all the more since Marcello answered every
question with: This is my brother’s business, I have other problems on my
mind.
我们快要走的时候，莉拉才出现了。她和两个年轻女人在一起，她们都拿着一个金属盒子。她看起来很恼怒，她对那两个女人颐指气使。她一看到我们，语气就变了，她用一种佯装的热情和我们说话，就好像她的思路要从急需应付的工作中挣脱了出来。她完全无视马尔切洛，她直接对彼得罗说话，就好像对我说话一样。她用一种热嘲冷讽的语气说，你们怎么会对这些玩意儿感兴趣啊，假如你们真的感兴趣，我们可以换一下位置：“你们在这里工作，我去做你们的事儿，研究小说、绘画和古代文化。”我又一次感到她比我苍老，不仅仅是外表上，还有她的动作、声音和语体的选择，她不太讲究这些，让人感觉有些厌烦。她给我们讲了一下这个系统和机器的运作，那些磁盘、带子、五寸软盘以及其他新事物，比如说，新型的个人电脑正在出现。她不再是电话里的那个莉拉，她用一种非常幼稚的语气，在谈论这份新工作，好像距离恩佐的那种热情很远。她现在表现得就像一个超级称职的职员，被老板委以重任，要像导游一样，给我们介绍这些东西。她从来都不和彼得罗开玩笑，她对我也没用友好的语气。最后，她让那两个姑娘给我丈夫展示打孔机是怎么运作的。后来，我们俩停在走廊里，她说：
Lila showed up when we were about to
leave. She was with two young women who were carrying metal containers. She
seemed irritated, and ordered them around. As soon as she noticed us she
changed her tone, she became polite but in a forced way, as if a part of her
brain had broken free and were reaching toward urgent things to do with the
job. She ignored Marcello, and addressed Pietro but as if she were also
speaking to me. What do you care about this stuff, she said, teasing, if
you’re really interested in it let’s make a deal: You work here and I’ll take
up your things, novels, paintings, antiquities. Again I had the impression
that she had aged before me, not only in her appearance but in her movements,
her voice, her choice of a dull, vaguely bored manner in which to explain to
us not only how the System 3 and the various machines worked but also the
magnetic cards, the tapes, the five-*-competent employee on whom the boss has
dumped one of the many headaches, the tourist visit. She wasn’t friendly
toward me, she never joked with Pietro. Finally she ordered the girls to show
my husband how the punch-card machine worked, then she pushed me into the
hall, and said:
“怎么样？你为埃莉莎感到高兴吧？在马尔切洛的家里睡得怎么样？那个老巫婆六十岁了，你很高兴吧？”
“So? Did you congratulate Elisa? Does one
sleep well in Marcello’s house? Are you glad the old witch is sixty?”
我很心烦地回答说：
I replied nervously:
“假如我妹妹要这样，我有什么办法，我要把她的头打破吗？”
“If my sister wants it, what can I do, beat her over the head?”
“你看？在童话里，想怎么办就怎么办，但在现实中，能怎么办就怎么办。”
“You see? In the fairy tales one does as
one wants, and in reality one does what one can.”
“这不是真的，谁逼着你给米凯莱做事儿了？”
“That’s not true. Who forced you to be
used by Michele?”
“是我在利用他，而不是他在利用我。”
“I’m using him, not him me.”
“那是你的想法。”
“You’re deceiving yourself.”
“你等着看吧。”
“Wait and you’ll see.”
“你想让我看什么，莉拉，算了吧。”
“What do you want me to see, Lila, forget
it.”
“我再跟你说一遍，我不喜欢你现在这个样子。你根本就不了解我们的事儿，因此你最好闭嘴。”
“I repeat, I don’t like it when you act
like that. You don’t know anything about us anymore, so it’s better if you
say nothing.”
“你说的是，只有生活在那不勒斯，我才有权批评你？”
“You mean I can criticize you only if I
live in Naples?”
“那不勒斯、佛罗伦萨，你在任何地方都搞不出名堂，莱农。”
“Naples, Florence: you aren’t doing
anything anywhere, Lenù.”
“谁说的？”
“Who says so?”
“这是事实。”
“The facts.”
“我知道自己该怎么办，而不是你。”
“I know my facts, not you.”
我很冲动，她也意识到了，她做了一个妥协的表情。
I was tense, she realized it. She gave me
a conciliatory look.
“你真让我生气，让我说了我不想说的话。你离开那不勒斯是对的，你做得很好，你知道现在谁回来了？”
“You make me mad and I say things I don’t
think. You did well to leave Naples, you did very well. But you know who’s
back?”
“谁？”
“Who?”
“尼诺。”
“Nino.”
这个消息让我胸中一阵剧痛。
The news burned my chest.
“你怎么知道的？”
“How do you know?”
“是玛丽莎告诉我的，他获得了大学的一个职位。”
“Marisa told me. He got a professorship
at the university.”
“他在米兰不好吗？”
“He didn’t like Milan?”
莉拉挤了一下眼睛。
Lila narrowed her eyes.
“他跟一个住在塔索街上的女人结婚了，她娘家是那不勒斯银行的人，他们的孩子一岁了。”
“He married someone from Via Tasso who is
related to half the Banco di Napoli. They have a child a year old.”
我不知道我当时是什么感受，难不难过，我只是很难相信这件事情。
I don’t know if I suffered, certainly I
had trouble believing it.
“他真的结婚了？”
“He’s really married?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
我看着她，想搞清楚她是怎么想的。
I looked at her to see what she had in
mind.
“你要和他见面吗？”
“Do you intend to see him?”
“不想。但假如你遇到他的话，你告诉他，詹纳罗不是他的。”
“No. But if I happen to run into him, I
want to tell him that Gennaro isn’t his.”
-*-
96
后来，她还前言不搭后语地说了这些话。恭喜你，你丈夫很帅，也很聪明。他说话的时候，简直就像一个神父，虽然他不信教，他知道从古到今的所有事情，尤其是关于那不勒斯，他知道得太多了，这让我很羞愧，我作为土生土长的那不勒斯人，却一点而也不知道。詹纳罗现在长大了，大部分都是我母亲在照顾他，他在学校里表现很好。我和恩佐一切都很好，我们现在都很忙，在一起的时间很少。斯特凡诺亲手把自己毁了：警察在他铺子里发现了一件偷来的东西，我不知道具体是什么，他被警察带走了。他现在虽然被放出来了，但他要特别小心，他一无所有，现在是我给他钱，而不是他给我钱。你看看，世事多无常，假如我现在还是卡拉奇太太，我也毁了，我就和卡拉奇全家人一样，完蛋了。但我现在是拉法埃拉·赛鲁罗，我给米凯莱·索拉拉的数控中心做头儿，我每个月挣四十二万里拉。结果是，我母亲像对女王那样对待我，我父亲已经彻底原谅我了，我哥哥一直从我身上榨钱，皮诺奇娅说她很爱我，他们的孩子叫我小姑姑。这是一个很乏味的工作，和刚开始我的感觉完全不一样，进度很慢，需要很多时间，我希望新机子能赶快研发出来，这样我们就会快一些。噢，也不能这样，速度会吞没一切，就像拍照时，手没拿稳，照片是模糊的。阿方索是这么说的，他当时是说笑的，说这就像他自己一样，出来太快没有清晰的边缘。最近一段时间，他一直跟我谈友情，他特别想成为我的朋友，他想什么都学我，就像复写纸写出来的字那样，他还发誓说，他想成为像我这样的女人。我跟他说：“什么女人，阿方索，你是个男人，你根本就不知道我是什么样子的，尽管我们是朋友，你琢磨研究我，学我，但你最终还是什么都不知道。”那么——他开玩笑说——我怎么办？我做自己很受罪。他跟我说，他一直都很爱米凯莱，是的，就是米凯莱·索拉拉——他想让米凯莱像喜欢我一样喜欢他。你知道吗？莱农，我们会出现什么情况：我们内心有太多东西，这会让我们肿胀起来，会让我们破裂。我对他说，好吧，我们是朋友，但你不要想着成为我这样的女人，你顶多能成为你们男人眼里的那种女性。你可以学我，你可以像艺术家一样，把我的样子惟妙惟肖地临摹出来，但我的烂事儿还是我的，你的还是你的。啊，莱农，我们都是怎么了？我们就像结冰的水管，心里不愉快是多么糟糕的事啊。你记不记得，我们是怎么处理那张结婚照的？我要继续用那种方式。总有一天，我会把自己变成电脑模式，成为一张上面有孔的卡片，那你就找不着我了。
She said to me this and some other
fragmented things: Congratulations, you have an intelligent and handsome
husband, he speaks as if he were religious even if he’s not a believer, he
knows ancient and modern facts, in particular he knows a lot of things about
Naples, I’m ashamed, I’m Neapolitan but I don’t know anything. Gennaro is
growing up, my mother takes care of him more than I do, he’s smart in school.
With Enzo things are good, we work a lot, we rarely see each other. Stefano
has ruined himself with his own hands: the carabinieri found stolen goods in
the back of the shop, I don’t know what, he was arrested; now he’s out but he
has to be careful, he has nothing anymore, I give him money, not the other
way around. You see how things change: if I had remained Signora Carracci I
would be ruined, I would have ended up with my ass on the ground like all the
Carraccis; instead I am Raffaella Cerullo and I’m the technical director for
Michele Solara at four hundred and twenty thousand lire a month. The result
is that my mother treats me like a queen, my father has forgiven me for
everything, my brother sucks money out of me, Pinuccia says she loves me so
much, their children call me Auntie. But it’s a boring job, completely the
opposite of what it seemed at first: still too slow, you waste a lot of time,
let’s hope that the new machines get here soon—they’re a lot faster. Or no.
Speed consumes everything, as when photographs come out blurry. Alfonso used
that expression, he used it in fun, he said that he came out blurry, without
clear outlines. Lately he’s been talking to me constantly about friendship.
He wants to be my friend, he would like to copy me on copying paper, he
swears that he would like to be a girl like me. What sort of girl, I said to
him, you’re a male, Alfò, you don’t know anything about what I’m like, and
even if we’re friends and you study me and spy on me and copy me, you’ll
never know anything. So—he was having a good time—what do I do, I suffer
being the way I am. And he confessed to me that he has always loved
Michele—yes, Michele Solara—and he wishes Michele would like him the way he
thinks Michele likes me. You understand, Lenù, what happens to people: we
have too much stuff inside and it swells us, breaks us. All right, I said,
we’re friends, but get out of your mind that you can be a woman like me, all
you’d succeed in being is what a woman is according to you men. You can copy
me, make a portrait as precise as an artist, but my shit will always remain
mine, and yours will be yours. Ah, Lenù, what happens to us all, we’re like
pipes when the water freezes, what a terrible thing a dissatisfied mind is.
You remember what we did with my wedding picture? I want to continue on that
path. The day will come when I reduce myself to diagrams, I’ll become a
perforated tape and you won’t find me anymore.
后来她笑了，就这些。在走廊里，我们之间的谈话再一次让我觉得，我们之间的关系已经不再隐秘，只是由一些简短的、缺乏细节的新闻，一些闲言碎语组成，她没有任何只对我倾诉思想或事实。莉拉的生活现在只属于她自己了，没有别的，好像她已经不愿意和任何人分享。问一些这样的问题也没用：你知道现在帕斯卡莱怎么样了？他在哪儿？你和索卡沃的死，还有菲利普被打断腿有没有关系？是什么促使你接受米凯莱的建议？米凯莱非常迷恋你，你是怎么想的？他想从你身上得到什么？莉拉现在什么都不想说，我的好奇和提问已经不能和她形成一种对话。她会对我说：“你是怎么想的？你疯了？米凯莱迷恋我，索卡沃的死和我有关，你在说什么？”现在，当我写下这段回忆时，我发现，我当时没有足够的材料来构建莉拉怎么谋划，怎么行动，遇到什么问题怎么应对。尽管如此，当时坐车回佛罗伦萨时，我感觉在那个夹在落后和现代之间的城区，她还是比我经历了更多的故事。我离开之后，错过了多少事情啊，我原以为自己能过上什么生活呢。莉拉留下了，她现在有一份全新的工作，赚很多钱，她享有绝对的自由，可以按照自己的计划来行事，虽然我不知道她内心深处是怎么想的。她很在意自己的儿子，早年在他身上投入了很多。她现在也一样，但好像也能在她想解放自己时就会解放自己，她儿子不像我的两个女儿那么让人操心。她已经和娘家人断绝关系了，尽管她现在还在承担自己的责任，每次能帮上家人，都会出手帮忙；她照顾陷入困境的斯特凡诺，但并没有靠近他；她痛恨索拉拉兄弟，但还是向他们低头了；她开阿方索的玩笑，但成为了他的朋友。她说，她再也不想见到尼诺，但我知道，事情并非如此，她有机会还是会和他再见。她的生活是动荡的，而我的生活是凝固的。彼得罗默默地开着车子，两个女儿在吵架，我一直在想着她和尼诺可能会发生的事情。我琢磨着，莉拉会重新和他在一起，她会想办法和他见面，会用自己的手段，让他远离妻子和儿子，她会利用他，开展一场不知道针对谁的战争，会让他离婚。她会在拿到很多钱之后，甩开米凯莱，离开恩佐，最终决定和斯特凡诺离婚，她可能会和尼诺结婚，也可能不会，但他们的智慧加在一起，谁知道他们会变成什么样的人。
Nonsense, that’s all. That talk in the
hall confirmed to me that our relationship no longer had any intimacy. It had
been reduced to succinct information, scant details, mean remarks, hot air,
no revelation of facts and thoughts for me alone. Lila’s life was now hers
and that was all, it seemed that she didn’t want to share it with anyone.
Pointless to persist with questions like: What do you know about Pasquale,
where did he end up, what do you have to do with Soccavo’s death, the
kneecapping of Filippo, what led you to accept Michele’s offer, what do you
make of his dependence on you. Lila had retreated into the unconfessable, any
questions of mine could not become conversation, she would say: What are you
thinking, you’re crazy, Michele, dependence, Soccavo, what are you talking
about? Even now, as I write, I realize that I don’t have enough information
to move on to Lila went, Lila did, Lila met, Lila planned. And yet, as I was
returning in the car to Florence, I had the impression that there in the
neighborhood, between backwardness and modernity, she had more history than I
did. How much I had lost by leaving, believing I was destined for who knows
what life. Lila, who had remained, had a very new job, she earned a lot of
money, she acted in absolute freedom and according to schemes that were
indecipherable. She was very attached to her son, she had been extremely
devoted to him in the first years of his life, and she still kept an eye on
him; but she seemed capable of being free of him as and when she wanted, he
didn’t cause her the anxieties my daughters caused me. She had broken with
her family, and yet she took on their burden and the responsibility for them
whenever she could. She took care of Stefano who was in trouble, but without
getting close to him. She hated the Solaras and yet she submitted to them.
She was ironic about Alfonso and was his friend. She said she didn’t want to
see Nino again, but I knew it wasn’t so, that she would see him. Hers was a
life in motion, mine was stopped. While Pietro drove in silence and the
children quarreled, I thought a lot about her and Nino, about what might
happen. Lila will take him back, I fantasized, she’ll manage to see him
again, she’ll influence him the way she knows how, she’ll get him away from
his wife and son, she’ll use him in her war I no longer know against whom,
she’ll induce him to get divorced, and meanwhile she’ll escape from Michele
after taking a lot of money from him, and she’ll leave Enzo, and finally
she’ll make up her mind to divorce Stefano, and maybe she’ll marry Nino,
maybe not, but certainly they’ll put their intelligences together and who can
say what they will become.
变成——一个我为之着魔的词，这是我第一次用在这种情况下。我想变成——虽然我不知道我想变成什么，但我变成了——这一点是肯定的，只是后面没有宾语。我没有真正的激情，没有一种自发的野心，这就是问题所在。我被动变成了什么，只是因为我担心：莉拉不知道会变成什么人，把我甩在后面。我的那种“变成了”是随着她的，现在我要重新开始，作一个独立的人，摆脱她的影响，成为我自己。
Become. It was a verb that had always
obsessed me, but I realized it for the first time only in that situation. I
wanted to become, even though I had never known what. And I had become, that
was certain, but without an object, without a real passion, without a
determined ambition. I had wanted to become something—here was the point—only
because I was afraid that Lila would become someone and I would stay behind.
My becoming was a becoming in her wake. I had to start again to become, but
for myself, as an adult, outside of her.
-*-
97
我一回到家里就给阿黛尔打电话，想知道我的书的德语译本是怎么回事，就是安东尼奥送给我的那本。她也云里雾里的，对此也一无所知，她给出版社打了电话。过了一会儿，她又打过来了，对我说，那本书不仅仅在德国出版了，在法国和西班牙也出版了。这时候我问，那我该怎么办？阿黛尔的声音有些不安，说：“你不用做什么，这是一件好事儿。”我有些吞吞吐吐地说，我当然很高兴，但我要做什么具体的事儿吗？比如说，我要出国去推广吗？她很温和地回答我说：“埃莱娜，你不需要做什么，不幸的是，那本书在哪儿都没卖出去。”
I telephoned Adele as soon as I got home,
to find out about the German translation that Antonio had sent me. It had
come out of the blue, she didn’t know anything about it, either. She called
the publisher. She called me back after a while to tell me that the book had
been published not only in Germany but in France and Spain. So, I asked, what
should I do? Adele answered in bewilderment: Nothing, be satisfied. Of
course, I said, I’m very pleased, but from the practical point of view, I
don’t know, should I go promote it abroad? She said affectionately: You don’t
have to do anything, Elena, the book unfortunately didn’t sell anywhere.
我的心情变得很糟糕。我给出版社打电话，询问他们关于我的书翻译出版的消息，但让我愤怒的是，没有任何人想过通知我这些事。最后，我对一个无动于衷的职员说：“我是从一个半文盲朋友那儿，而不是从你们这里得知：我的书在德国出版了。你们到底是怎么工作的？”后来，我向她道歉，我觉得自己很愚蠢。最后，那些法语、西班牙语还有德语的翻译版本都发到我这里，德语版本不像安东尼奥带给我的那本那样皱巴巴的。那些翻译版本都很粗糙：封面上有穿着黑衣服的女人，有留着大胡子的男人，头上戴着鸭舌帽，还有晾在外面的衣服。我翻阅着这些国外的版本，我给彼得罗看，最后我把它们和其他书一起放在书架上。没用的纸，沉默的纸。
My mood got worse. I nagged the
publisher, I asked for precise information about the translations, I was
angry because no one cared to keep me informed, I ended up saying to an
indifferent secretary: I found out about the German edition not from you but from
a semiliterate friend: can you do your job or not? Then I apologized, I felt
stupid. One after the other the French copy and the Spanish arrived, a copy
in German without the crumpled look of the one sent by Antonio. They were
ugly books: on the cover were women in black dresses, men with drooping
mustaches and a cloth cap on their head, laundry hung out to dry. I leafed
through them, I showed them to Pietro, I placed them on a bookshelf among
other novels. Mute paper, useless paper.
我开始了一段疲惫的、心烦意乱的时光。我每天都给埃莉莎打电话，问她马尔切洛是不是还是那么客气，问他们是不是决定要结婚了。听到我的啰嗦，她会很欢快地笑起来，跟我讲了他们的愉快生活，他们开车或者坐飞机进行的旅行，以及我两个弟弟的发展，还有我们的父亲和母亲现在有多好。现在，我时不时会对她产生嫉妒。我很累，也很心烦，艾尔莎不停地生病，黛黛希望得到关注，彼得罗一直无法完成他的书。我为一些鸡毛蒜皮的事儿发火，我骂两个孩子，和我丈夫吵架，结果是他们三个都很害怕我。最后，两个孩子看到我经过她们的房间门口，都会停下游戏，很警惕地看着我。彼得罗有越来越多的时间，都待在大学的图书馆里，而不是家里。他一大早出去，晚上才回来，他回来时，身上好像带着冲突的痕迹。我现在已经完全被排除在公众生活之外，我只能在报纸上看到那些冲突：法西斯分子拿刀子捅人、杀人，那些极左人士也毫不示弱。警察现在获得了法律许可，他们可以开枪，在佛罗伦萨也已经出现这种情况了。最后发生了一件在我预料之中的事：彼得罗成了一桩糟糕事件的核心人物，这事儿在报纸上也激起了各种争论。某次考试，他给一个学生判了不及格，而这个学生是投入战斗的积极分子。这个年轻人当着所有人的面骂了他，并用一把枪对着他——这不是他跟我讲的，而是一个熟人讲的，这个人当时也没在场，也是听人说的——这时候，彼得罗不慌不忙地把不及格的分数写上，把学生证还给那个男生，然后他清清楚楚地说：“您要么现在开枪，要么赶紧把武器拿开，因为过一分钟，我一从这个教室出去，就会去告您。”那个男生拿着枪，一直对着他，过了很长的几秒，他把枪放进口袋里，拿起学生证跑开了。过了几分钟，彼得罗去了警察局，那个学生马上被逮捕了。但事情还没结束，那个男生的家长，不是直接和彼得罗，而是直接和彼得罗的父亲沟通，让他父亲说服他收回起诉。圭多·艾罗塔试着说服他儿子，他们通了好多次电话，每次时间都很长。让我吃惊的是，在通话过程中，我听到老艾罗塔教授失去了耐性，抬高了嗓门，但彼得罗毫不让步。直到最后，我很激动地问他：
A time of weary discontent began. I
called Elisa every day to find out if Marcello was still kind, if they had
decided to get married. She responded to my apprehensions with carefree
laughter and stories of a happy life, of trips by car or plane, of prosperity
for our brothers, of well-*-hand version, she wasn’t present—calmly recorded
the failure, handed the exam book to the boy, and said more or less: Either
be serious and shoot or you’d best get rid of that weapon immediately,
because in a moment I’m going to go and report you. The boy aimed the gun at
his face for long minutes, then he put it in his pocket, took the exam book,
and fled. Pietro went to the carabinieri and the student was arrested. But it
didn’t end there. The young man’s family went not to Pietro but to his father
to persuade him to withdraw the charges. Professor Guido Airota tried to
convince his son, and there were long phone calls, in the course of which,
with some amazement, I heard the old man lose his temper, raise his voice.
But Pietro wouldn’t give in. In great agitation, I confronted him, I asked:
“你意识到你在做什么吗？”
“Do you realize how you’re behaving?”
“那我应该怎么做。”
“What should I do?”
“不要把关系搞得那么紧张。”
“Reduce the tension.”
“我不明白。”
“I don’t understand you.”
“那是你不想明白，你和我们在比萨时的某些教授一模一样，就是那些最让人讨厌的教授。”
“You don’t want to understand me. You’re
just like our professors in Pisa, the most intolerable.”
“我不觉得。”
“I don’t think so.”
“这是事实。你已经忘记了，我们当时多么努力才能通过那些没用、也没意思的考试，简直是白费力气。”
“But you are. Have you forgotten how we
struggled in vain to keep up with stupid courses and pass exams that were
even more stupid?”
“我的课程并不是没意思。”
“My course isn’t stupid.”
“你最好问问你的学生。”
“You might ask your students.”
“那要问那些有资格做出回答的人。”
“One asks for an opinion from those who
are competent to give it.”
“假如我是你的学生，你会不会问我？”
“Would you ask me, if I were your
student?”
“我跟那些真正学习的人关系很好。”
“I have very good relations with the ones
who study.”
“也就是说，你喜欢那些巴结你的人？”
“So you like the ones who suck up to
you?”
“你喜欢那些狂妄自大的人，就像你那不勒斯的那个朋友？”
“You like the ones who brag, like your
friend in Naples?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“那你为什么一直都在老老实实地学习。”
“And is that why you were always the most
dutiful?”
我一时语塞。
I was confused.
“因为我以前很穷，我能走到这一步，简直就是个奇迹。”
“Because I was poor and it seemed a
miracle to have gone so far.”
“好吧，那个男孩和你没有任何共同之处。”
“Well, that boy has nothing in common
with you.”
“你和我也没有任何共同之处。”
“You don’t have anything in common with
me, either.”
“你想说什么？”
“What do you mean?”
我没有回答，我很慎重地绕开了这个话题。但之后，我的怒火又上来了，我开始批评他一根筋。我对他说：“你已经让他不及格了，你再去起诉他，这有什么用？”他嘟囔了一句：“这个学生犯罪了。”我说：“他想吓唬你一下，他是个孩子。”他冷冰冰地说：“他手上拿的是一把手枪，不是一个玩具，那是七年前在洛韦扎诺警察局和其他武器一起被偷走的一件东西。”我说：“他没开枪。”他有些恼怒地说：“枪上了子弹，假如他开枪了呢？”他没开枪，我喊道。他也抬高了嗓门：“我要等着他开枪了，才去起诉他？”我叫喊道：“别嚷嚷，你太神经了。”他回答说：“你想想你自己吧。”我太激动了，跟他怎么解释都没用。虽然我忍不住和他吵架，但我觉得，当时的情况真的很危险，让我非常担心。我说：“我是在为你，为我，还有两个孩子担心。”他不会安慰我，让我放心，而是把自己关到自己的房间里，去写他的书了。几个星期之后，他才告诉我，有两个便衣警察找过他几次，问了他关于几个学生的事儿，而且给他看了他们的照片。他第一次非常客气地接待了他们，没有给他们提供任何信息，就把他们送走了。第二次，他问他们：
I didn’t answer, I avoided it out of
prudence. But then my rage increased again, I went back to criticizing his
intransigence, I said to him: You’d already failed him, what was the point of
pressing charges? He said: He committed a crime. I: He was playing at
frightening you, he’s a boy. He answered coldly: That gun is a weapon, not a
toy, and it was stolen with other weapons seven years ago, from a carabinieri
barracks in Rovezzano. I said: The boy didn’t shoot. He muttered: The weapon
was loaded, what if he had? He didn’t, I cried. He, too, raised his voice: I
should have waited for him to shoot me and then reported him? I yelled: Don’t
shout, your nerves are shattered. He answered: Think of your own nerves. And
it was pointless to explain to him, anxiously, that even if my words and tone
were argumentative, the situation actually seemed very dangerous and I was
worried. I’m afraid for you, I said, for the children, for me. But he didn’t
console me. He went to his study and tried to work on his book. Only weeks
later he told me that two plainclothes policemen had come to see him and
asked for information about certain students, had showed him some
photographs. The first time he had greeted them politely and politely sent
them away without giving them any information. The second time he had asked:
“这些年轻人犯罪了吗？”
“Have these youths committed crimes?”
“没有，现在还没有。”
“No, for now no.”
“那你们调查什么？”
“Then what do you want from me?”
他把警察送到门口，是那种客气的，但拒人千里之外的态度。
He had seen them to the door with all the
contemptuous courtesy he was capable of.
-*-
98
莉拉有好几个月都没给我打电话，她应该非常忙碌。我也没找她，虽然我很需要她。为了减轻我的空虚，我和马丽娅罗莎关系变得密切，但我们之间还是有很多障碍。弗朗科已经在她家里常住了，彼得罗既不喜欢我和他姐姐关系过于亲密，也不希望我见到我之前的男朋友。如果我在米兰多待一天的话，他的心情就会变得极坏，会无事生非，我们夫妻之间的关系就会变得紧张。再加上，现在弗朗科除了看病从来都不出门。他要定期去医院，他也不希望我出现，他受不了两个孩子大声的叫喊，有时候他会从家里消失，让我和马丽娅罗莎都很担心。我的大姑子有很多事要做，她身边总是围绕着各种各样的女人。她的房子已经成了一个据点，会接待所有人：知识分子、有钱人家的太太、躲避家庭暴力的女工、问题女孩，她的朋友太多了，她给我的时间很少，让我难以和她建立某种联系。虽然如此，我在她家里待几天，就会燃起我重新学习或者写作的愿望，说得更准确一点，就是我感觉自己还能学习，还能写作。
For months Lila never called; she must
have been very busy. Nor did I seek her out, although I felt the need. To
diminish the feeling of emptiness I tried to strengthen my connection with
Mariarosa, but there were many obstacles. Franco now lived permanently at my
sister-*-law’s house, and Pietro didn’t like me getting too close to his
sister or seeing my former boyfriend. If I stayed in Milan for more than a
day his mood darkened, imaginary illnesses multiplied, tension increased.
Also, Franco himself, who in general never went out except for the medical
treatments he constantly needed, didn’t welcome my presence; he was impatient
with the children’s voices, which he found too loud, and at times he
disappeared, alarming both Mariarosa and me. My sister-*-law, besides, had
endless engagements and was permanently surrounded by women. Her apartment
was a sort of gathering place, she welcomed everyone, intellectuals,
middleclass women, working-class women fleeing abusive companions, runaway
girls, so that she had little time for me, and anyway she was too much a
friend to all for me to feel sure of our bond. And yet in her house the
desire to study was rekindled, and even to write. Or, rather, it seemed to me
that I would be capable of it.
我们经常讨论，因为我们都是女人——弗朗科如果不是躲出去，他也会把自己关在房间里——我们很难明白，女人到底意味着什么。我们的每个举动、思想、语言或者梦想，深入分析一下，就好像并不属于我们。这种深入分析会让那些比较脆弱的女人陷入危机，因为她们无法进行深入反思，她们认为，只要把男性清除出去，就能走上自由的道路。那是一段很动荡、起伏的年代。我们中有很多人担心回到之前平静的、死气沉沉的状态，她们都坚持一种极端的观点，她们满怀恐惧和愤怒，站在浪潮的顶端看着下面。当大家知道，“持续战斗”指挥部的保安们曾经攻击过一个分裂组织的女权主义游行，一些女性主义者更加振奋了，以至于那些思想比较强硬的女人，如果发现马丽娅罗莎家里住着一个男人——这件事情她非但没说，而且还极力隐瞒——讨论就变得非常激烈，会变成公然的敌对。
We discussed ourselves a lot. But
although we were all women—Franco, if he hadn’t fled, stayed shut in his
room—we struggled to understand what a woman was. Our every move or thought
or conversation or dream, once analyzed in depth, seemed not to belong to us.
And this excavation seemed to exasperate those who were weaker, who couldn’t
tolerate such an excess of self-reflection and believed that to embark on the
road of freedom it was enough simply to cut off men. These were unstable
times, arcing in waves. Many of us feared a return to the flat calm and
stayed on the crest, holding on to extreme formulations and looking down with
fear and rage. When we learned that the security force of Lotta Continua had
attacked a separatist women’s demonstration, we grew bitter to the point
where, if one of the more rigid participants discovered that Mariarosa had a
man in the house—which she didn’t declare but didn’t hide, either—the
discussion became fierce, the ruptures dramatic.
我非常讨厌那种时刻，我是想找到一些创作灵感，而不是冲突和矛盾，我要的是一些研究的可能，而不是教条。或者，至少我对自己是这么说的，有时候我对马丽娅罗莎也这么说，她会静静地听我说。就是在那段时间，我有机会谈论我在比萨高等师范上学时和弗朗科之间的关系，以及这段关系对我的意义。我说，我对他很感激，我从他身上学到了很多东西。他现在对我还有我的孩子很冷淡，这让我觉得很遗憾。我想了一下，继续说：“也许男人们的想法有问题，他们想教育我们。我当时很年轻，并没有意识到这一点，他不喜欢我本来的样子，他想改变我，希望我成为另一个人。或者说得准确一点：他并不渴望一个女人，而是一个梦想的女人，就是如果他是女性，他渴望成为的那种女人。我说，对于弗朗科来说，我是他的延伸，是他女性的一面，这构建了他的权力，展示出他不仅仅能成为一个理想的男人，也能成为一个理想的女人。现在，他感觉我不再是他的一部分，他觉得我背叛了他。”
I hated those moments. I was looking for
inspiration, not conflict, subjects for research, not dogmas. Or at least so
I said to myself, and sometimes also to Mariarosa, who listened to me in
silence. On one of those occasions I told her about my relationship with
Franco in the days of the Normale, and what he had meant to me. I’m grateful
to him, I said, I learned so much from him, and I’m sorry that he now treats
me and the children coldly. I thought about it for a moment, and continued:
Maybe there’s something mistaken in this desire men have to instruct us; I
was young at the time, and I didn’t realize that in his wish to transform me
was the proof that he didn’t like me as I was, he wanted me to be different,
or, rather, he didn’t want just a woman, he wanted the woman he imagined he
himself would be if he were a woman. For Franco, I said, I was an opportunity
for him to expand into the feminine, to take possession of it: I constituted
the proof of his omnipotence, the demonstration that he knew how to be not
only a man in the right way but also a woman. And today when he no longer
senses me as part of himself, he feels betrayed.
我当时就是这么说的。马丽娅罗莎满怀兴趣地听我说，那是一种发自内心的兴趣，而不是她在所有人面前假装出来的兴趣。她激励我说：“你可以写一写这个方面的东西。”她很感动，有些动情地说，我说的那个弗朗科，她还没有机会认识。最后她说：“这也许是一件好事儿，我讨厌那些过于聪明的男人，他们会告诉我我应该是什么样儿的，我永远不会爱上那个时候的他；我喜欢现在的这个充满痛苦和反思的男人，我把他接在家里，照顾他。”你把你说的这些东西写下来吧——最后她又说了一遍。
I expressed myself exactly like that. And
Mariarosa listened with genuine interest, not the slightly feigned curiosity
she displayed with the women in general. Write something on that subject, she
urged me. She was moved, she said that she had been too late to know the
Franco I was talking about. Then she added: Maybe it was a good thing, I
would never have been in love with him, I hate men who are too intelligent
and tell me how I should be; I prefer this suffering and reflective man I’ve
taken in and am caring for. Then she insisted: Put it in writing, what you’ve
said.
我略带慌乱地点了点头，她表扬了我，我很高兴，但也有些尴尬。我说了我和彼得罗之间的关系，说他如何把自己的观点强加于我。这时候，马丽娅罗莎笑了起来，我们那种一本正经的语气被打破了。她说：“把弗朗科和彼得罗放在一起？开玩笑，彼得罗表现出自己的男性气质都很难，更别说要把他对女性的感觉强加到你身上。你想不想知道一件事儿？我当时断定，你不会嫁给他。我当时确信，假如你嫁给他，也会在一年内离开他。我当时确信，你在和他生孩子之前，会慎重考虑。现在你们还在一起，我觉得简直是个奇迹。你真是个好姑娘，真可怜。”
I nodded somewhat nervously, pleased with
the praise but also embarrassed, I said something about my relationship with
Pietro, about how he tried to impose his views on me. This time Mariarosa
burst out laughing, and the almost solemn tone of our conversation changed.
Franco associated with Pietro? You’re joking, she said, Pietro has trouble
keeping together his own virility, imagine if he has the energy to impose on
you his feeling for what a woman is. You want to know something? I would have
sworn that you wouldn’t marry him. I would have sworn that, if you had, you
would leave him in a year. I would have sworn that you would be careful not
to have children. The fact that you’re still together seems to me a miracle.
You’re really a good girl, poor you.
-*-
99
我们都已经谈到这一步了，我丈夫的姐姐认为，我的婚姻是一场错误，而且她直言不讳地说了出来。我不知道该哭还是笑，我觉得，这是对我很不愉快的婚姻生活一个冷静的评判。但我能怎么办呢？我告诉自己，成熟意味着镇静自若地接受生活的波折，要在实际生活和理论之间划出一道界限。时间一天天过去，我慢慢地平静下来。我的大女儿黛黛提前进入了小学一年级，她已经会读书写字了；我的二女儿艾尔莎很高兴和我待在寂静的家里；我丈夫，尽管他是大学里最黯淡、最沉闷的人，好像他终于要写完他的第二本书了，这让他的地位比之前更高了；我是艾罗塔太太——埃莱娜·艾罗塔，一个顺从但很悲伤的女人，然而却也在她的大姑子的推动下，也在投入战斗，反抗压制，她也开始默默地学习男性对女性的创造，把古代和现在的世界混合起来。我研究这个问题时，并没有一个具体的目的，我只是想对马丽娅罗莎、我婆婆，还有一些认识的人有个交代：我在做事情。
We were therefore at this point: my
husband’s sister considered my marriage a mistake and said it to me frankly.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, it seemed to me the ultimate and
unbiased confirmation of my conjugal unease. Besides, what could I do about
it? I said to myself that maturity consisted in accepting the turn that
existence had taken without getting too upset, following a path between daily
practices and theoretical achievements, learning to see oneself, know
oneself, in expectation of great changes. Day by day I grew calmer. My
daughter Dede went to first grade early, already knowing how to read and
write; my daughter Elsa was happy to stay alone with me all morning in the
still house; my husband, although he was the dullest of academics, seemed
finally close to finishing a second book that promised to be even more
important than the first; and I was Signora Airota, Elena Airota, a woman
depressed by submissiveness who nevertheless, urged by her sister-*-law but
also in order to fight discouragement, had begun to study almost in secret
the invention of woman by men, mixing the ancient and modern worlds. I didn’t
have an objective; only to be able to say to Mariarosa, to my mother-*-law,
to this or that acquaintance: I’m working.
就这样，在苦思冥想中，我从《圣经》的《新约》《旧约》开始看起，到丹尼尔·笛福的《摩尔·弗兰德斯》、福楼拜的《包法利夫人》、托尔斯泰的《安娜·卡列尼娜》，一直到《最新时尚》杂志、马塞尔·杜尚还有其他的能揭示女性问题的材料。慢慢地，我觉得开朗一点了。我在任何地方都能发现男人们塑造的那些机械呆板的女人。我们女人自己什么都没有，我们提出来的那点东西，很快也成了他们的写作材料。彼得罗去上班了，黛黛在学校里，艾尔莎在距离写字台几步远的地方玩儿，我终于感觉自己有一点儿活力了。我斟词酌句，有时候我想象，假如我和莉拉都参加了升中学考试，我们一起上了高中和大学，我们息息相通，携手共进，那我的生活、她的生活会是什么样子的。我们会是完美的伴侣，会把知识的力量、相互的理解，还有想象的乐趣融为一体。我们会一起写作，签上我们俩的名字，我们会从对方身上汲取力量，我们会肩并肩进行斗争，那些属于我们的，只会属于我们。女性内心深处的孤独很折磨人。我想，把两个人分开是一种浪费，相互没有参照，没有支撑。在这种情况下，我觉得好像自己的思想被切成了两半，很诱人，但有缺陷，我非常迫切地希望得到肯定和发展，因为我的这些思想不是很坚定，没有底气。这时我又想打电话给她，对她说：“我想告诉你，我现在反思的一个问题，我们一起谈论一下吧，告诉我你是怎么想的。你记不记得，你跟我说过阿方索的事儿？”但我已经永远失去这个机会了，失去它已经有十几年了，我应该学着自给自足。
And so I pushed on, in my speculations,
from the first and second Biblical creations to Defoe-*-Bovary,
Tolstoy-Karenina, La dernière mode, Rose Sélavy, and beyond, and still
further, in a frenzy of revelation. Slowly I began to feel some satisfaction.
I discovered everywhere female automatons created by men. There was nothing
of ourselves, and the little there was that rose up in protest immediately
became material for their manufacturing. When Pietro was at work and Dede was
at school and Elsa was playing next to my desk and I, at last, felt alive,
digging into words and among words, I sometimes imagined what my life and
Lila’s would have been if we had both taken the test for admission to middle
school and then high school, if together we had studied to get our degree,
elbow to elbow, allied, a perfect couple, the sum of intellectual energies,
of the pleasures of understanding and the imagination. We would have written
together, we would have been authors together, we would have drawn power from
each other, we would have fought shoulder to shoulder because what was ours
was inimitably ours. The solitude of women’s minds is regrettable, I said to
myself, it’s a waste to be separated from each other, without procedures,
without tradition. Then I felt as if my thoughts were cut off in the middle,
absorbing and yet defective, with an urgent need for verification, for
development, yet without conviction, without faith in themselves. Then the
wish to telephone her returned, to tell her: Listen to what I’m thinking
about, please let’s talk about it together, you remember what you said about
Alfonso? But the opportunity was gone, lost decades ago. I had to learn to be
satisfied with myself.
后来有一天，我正想着给莉拉打电话，就听见钥匙在锁孔里转动的声音，那是彼得罗回家吃午饭了，他像往常一样，在学校里接了黛黛，两人一起回来。我合上了书和本子，黛黛已经冲进了房间，艾尔莎很高兴地迎接了她。到这个点，她应该很饿了，我知道她会对我喊：“妈妈，今天吃什么？”但在放下书包之前，她喊了一句：“爸爸的一个朋友和我们一起吃午饭。”我非常清楚地记得那个日子：一九七六年三月九日。我调整了一下心情，黛黛抓住了我的手，把我拉到了走廊里。艾尔莎一听到有外人，她很谨慎地拉住了我的裙子。彼得罗很高兴地说：“你看看，我把谁带来了。”
Then one day, just as I was preoccupied
with that need, I heard the key turn in the lock. It was Pietro, coming home
for lunch after picking up Dede at school. I closed books and notebooks as
the child burst into the room, greeted enthusiastically by Elsa. She was
starving, I knew she would cry: Mamma, what is there to eat? Instead, even
before throwing down her book bag, she exclaimed: a friend of Papa’s is
coming to lunch with us. I remember the date precisely: March 9, 1976. I
pulled myself out of my bad mood, Dede grabbed me by the hand and drew me
into the hallway. Meanwhile Elsa, because of the announced presence of a
stranger, was keeping prudent hold of my skirt. Pietro said gaily: Look who I
brought you.
-*-
100
尼诺已经没有几年前我在书店里见到他时的那一脸大胡子了，但他的头发依旧很长很凌乱。除此之外，他还是以前的样子，不修边幅，又高又瘦，眼睛很明亮。他拥抱了我，他蹲下来，爱抚两个孩子，最后他站起来对我说，对不起，我来得太突然了。我有些茫然地和他寒暄了几句：“来吧，请坐，你怎么会在佛罗伦萨呢？”我觉得自己好像喝多了酒，有些上头。我没法相信正在发生的事情：他，真是他出现在我家里。我感觉脑子里一片混乱，整个人里里外外都有些失措，没法应对眼前发生的事。我刚才想象的是什么？现在发生了什么？谁是幻影，谁是真实的？这时候，彼得罗跟我解释说：“我们在系里遇见了，我请他来吃午饭。”我微笑了，我说好，一切都准备好了，加一副餐具而已，你们陪着我，我来给大家摆餐具。我表面上看起来很平静，但实际上，我非常激动，我拼命佯装微笑，我的脸很疼。为什么尼诺在这里，这到底是什么情况？彼得罗对我说：“我想给你一个惊喜。”他小心翼翼地说，因为他担心自己做错了。这时候，尼诺笑着说：我发誓，我跟他说了好多次，让他打电话给你，但他不愿意。然后他解释说，是我公公让他联系我们的，他在罗马遇到了艾罗塔教授，是在一次社会党的大会上，他们聊着聊着，尼诺说，他要来佛罗伦萨办事儿。艾罗塔教授就提到了彼得罗，以及彼得罗正在写的新书，还有一本他最近才搞到的书要带给彼得罗。尼诺自告奋勇地说，他可以亲自把书带过来，然后，他就来家里吃饭了。我们两个女儿都想获得他的关注，她们在你争我斗，他和她们逗乐，并没冷落谁，他很温和地和彼得罗交谈，跟我没说几句，但语气非常严肃。
Nino no longer had the thick beard I had
seen years earlier in the bookstore, but his hair was long and disheveled.
Otherwise he had remained the boy of years ago, tall, skinny, his eyes
bright, his appearance unkempt. He embraced me, he knelt to greet the two
girls, he stood up, apologizing for the intrusion. I murmured some cool
words: Come in, sit down, what on earth are you doing in Florence? I felt as
if I had hot wine in my brain, I couldn’t give concreteness to what was
happening: Nino, Nino himself, in my house. And it seemed to me that
something was no longer functioning in the organization of internal and
external. What was I imagining and what was happening, who was the shadow and
who the living body? Meanwhile Pietro explained: We met at the university, I
invited him to lunch. And I smiled, I said Yes, it’s all ready, where there’s
enough for four there’s enough for five, keep me company while I set the
table. I seemed tranquil but I was extremely agitated, my face hurt with the
effort of smiling. How is it that Nino is here, and what is here, what is is?
I surprised you, Pietro said, with some apprehension, as when he was afraid
of having been wrong about something. And Nino, laughing: I told him a
hundred times to call you, I swear, but he didn’t want to. Then he explained
that it was my father-*-law who had told him to introduce himself. He had met
Professor Airota in Rome, at the Socialist Party congress, and there, one
thing leading to another, he had said that he had work to do in Florence and
the professor had mentioned Pietro, the new book his son was writing, a
volume that he had just obtained for him and that he needed urgently. Nino
had offered to take it in person and now here we were at lunch, the girls
fighting for his attention, he who was charming to both of them, obliging to
Pietro, and had a few serious words for me.
“你想想，”他对我说，“我出差来这座城市很多次了，但我不知道，你就住在这里，你们已经有了两个漂亮的千金，还好有这个机缘。”
“Think,” he said to me, “I’ve come so
often to this city for work, but I didn’t know you were living here, that you
had two lovely young ladies. Luckily there was this opportunity.”
“你还是在米兰教书吗？”尽管我知道，他已经不在米兰生活了，我还是问道。
“Are you still teaching in Milan?” I
asked, knowing perfectly well that he no longer lived in Milan.
“没有，我现在在那不勒斯教书。”
“No, I’m teaching now in Naples.”
“教什么？”
“What subject?”
他做了一个很不高兴的表情。
He made a grimace of displeasure.
“地理。”
“Geography.”
“也就是说？”
“Meaning?”
“城市地理。”
“Urban geography.”
“你为什么决定回去？”
“How in the world did you decide to go
back?”
“我母亲身体不好。”
“My mother’s not well.”
“真遗憾，她怎么了？”
“I’m sorry, what’s wrong?”
“心脏不好。”
“Her heart.”
“你的弟弟妹妹怎么样？”
“And your brothers and sisters?”
“都很好。”
“Fine.”
“你父亲呢？”
“Your father?”
“还是老样子。时间可以改变一切，一个人会成熟，最近一段时间，我们的关系缓和了。我父亲就像所有人一样，他有缺点，也有他的优点。”
“The usual. But time passes, one grows up, and recently we’ve reconciled. Like everyone, he has his flaws and his virtues.”
然后，他对彼得罗说：“我们为了反对父亲和家庭，闹了多少事儿，现在我们自己成了父亲了，我们能应付吗？”
He turned to Pietro: “How much trouble
we’ve made for fathers and for the family. Now that it’s our turn, how are we
doing?”
“我还好。”我丈夫带着一丝戏谑说。
“I’m doing well,” my husband said, with a
touch of irony.
“毫无疑问，你娶了一个非常了不起的女人，这两个小公主很完美，很有教养，也很优雅。黛黛，多漂亮的裙子啊，太适合你了。还有艾尔莎，你的镶着小星星的发卡，是谁送给你的啊？”
“I have no doubt. You married an
extraordinary woman and these two little princesses are perfect, very well
brought up, very stylish. What a pretty dress, Dede, it looks very nice on
you. And Elsa, who gave you the barrette with the stars?”
“妈妈。”艾尔莎说。
“Mamma,” said Elsa.
我逐渐平静下来了。我慢慢适应了正在发生的事情，时间也恢复了之前的节奏。尼诺坐在我身边，吃着我做的面条，他很仔细地帮艾尔莎把排骨切成小块，然后津津有味地吃着自己盘子里的肉。他用鄙夷的语气说到了洛克希勒对塔纳斯和古伊的贿赂
[3]
。他还说，我饭做得很好。他和彼得罗谈到了社会党的出路。他削了一个苹果，苹果皮儿一直都没断，这让黛黛看得很入神。这时候，整个房子里散发着一种温馨和谐的气息，那是我好长时间都没感受到的一种氛围。两个男人相互认可，相互赞赏，那是多么棒的一件事情啊！我开始默默地收拾桌子，尼诺站了起来，他也要来帮着洗完碗，他还让两个孩子帮他的忙。你坐吧，他对我说。我坐了下来，他和充满热情的黛黛还有艾尔莎洗起碗来，他继续在和彼得罗聊天，时不时会问我，东西该放在哪儿。
Slowly I calmed down. The seconds
regained their orderly rhythm, I took note of what was happening to me. Nino
was sitting at the table next to me, he ate the pasta I had prepared,
carefully cut Elsa’s meat into small pieces, ate his with a good appetite,
mentioned with disgust the bribes that Lockheed had paid to Tanassi and to
Gui, praised my cooking, discussed with Pietro the socialist option, peeled
an apple in a single coil that sent Dede into ecstasies. Meanwhile a fluid
benevolence spread through the apartment that I hadn’t felt for a long time.
How nice it was that the two men agreed with one another, liked one another.
I began to clear the table in silence. Nino jumped up and offered to do the
dishes, provided the girls helped him. Sit down, he said, and I sat, while he
got Dede and Elsa busy, eager, every so often he asked where he should put
something or other, and continued to chat with Pietro.
真的是他，经过了那么长时间，他出现在我家里。我不由自主地看着他戴在无名指上的戒指。我想，他从来都没提到过他的婚姻，他提到他母亲、他父亲，但从来都没提到他的妻子和儿子。也许，那不是一场出于爱情的婚姻，也许他是因为利益才结婚，也许他被迫结婚。最后，我的所有胡思乱想都消散了。尼诺忽然跟我的两个女儿讲起了他儿子，他儿子叫阿尔伯特，他提到儿子时的口气，就像那孩子是童话里的人物，他的语气一会儿滑稽，一会儿又充满柔情。最后，他把手擦干，从钱包里拿出了一张照片，先是给艾尔莎看了看，然后给黛黛和彼得罗看，彼得罗最后把照片递给了我。阿尔伯特两岁了，非常漂亮，照片里他母亲抱着他，他一脸严肃。我看了几秒那孩子，马上就开始端详孩子的母亲。我觉得她很夺目，眼睛很大，留着黑色的长发，她应该二十岁出头。她面带微笑，牙齿整齐炫目，目光里充满爱意。我把照片还给了他，我说：“我去煮咖啡。”我一个人待在厨房里，他们四个都去了客厅。
It was really him, after so long, and he
was there. I looked without wanting to at the ring he wore on his ring
finger. He never mentioned his marriage, I thought, he spoke of his mother,
his father, but not of his wife and child. Maybe it wasn’t a marriage of
love, maybe he had married for convenience, maybe he was forced to get
married. Then the flutter of hypotheses ceased. Nino out of the blue began to
tell the girls about his son, Albertino, and he did it as if the child were a
character in a fable, in tones that were comical and tender by turns. Finally
he dried his hands, took out of his wallet a picture, showed it to Elsa, then
Dede, then Pietro, who handed it to me. Albertino was very cute. He was two
and sat in his mother’s arms with a sulky expression. I looked at the child
for a few seconds, and immediately went on to examine her. She seemed
magnificent, with big eyes and long black hair, she could hardly be more than
twenty. She was smiling, her teeth were sparkling, even, her gaze seemed to
me that of someone in love. I gave him back the photograph, I said: I’ll make
coffee. I stayed alone in the kitchen, the four of them went into the living
room.
尼诺还有事儿，他喝完咖啡，抽了一根烟之后，跟我们道歉说，他要走了。他说：“我明天走，但我很快回来，下个星期就回来。”彼得罗让他来家里吃饭，而且说了好几次。他答应了。他很热情地和我的两个女儿告别，和彼得罗握了手，和我打了一个招呼就走了。门刚刚在他身后关上，我感觉整个房子又陷入了黯淡之中。虽然彼得罗在尼诺面前很自在，我等着他说一些尼诺的坏话，这是客人走后他惯有的做法，但他很高兴地说：“终于遇到了一个值得在一起聊天的人。”不知道为什么，他说的那句话，让我很受伤。我打开了电视，整个下午都和两个孩子待在电视前。
Nino had an appointment for work, and
with profuse apologies left immediately after coffee and a cigarette. I’m
leaving tomorrow, he said, but I’ll be back soon, next week. Pietro urged him
repeatedly to let him know, he promised he would. He said goodbye to the
girls affectionately, shook hands with Pietro, nodded to me, and disappeared.
As soon as the door closed behind him I was overwhelmed by the dreariness of
the apartment. I waited for Pietro, although he had been so at ease with
Nino, to find something hateful about his guest, he almost always did.
Instead he said contentedly: Finally a person it’s worthwhile spending time
with. That remark, I don’t know why, hurt me. I turned on the television, and
watched it with the girls for the rest of the afternoon.
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