86
So Antonio did that sort of work for
Lila. Not for money but out of friendship, or personal respect. Or, I don’t
know, maybe she asked Michele if she could borrow him, since Antonio worked
for Michele, and Michele, who agreed to everything Lila asked, let her.
因此安东尼奥为莉拉做的是这样的工作，不是为了钱，而是出于友情，或是基于个人的原因。或者就我所知，安东尼奥现在还是米凯莱的员工，也许她是把安东尼奥借了过来，米凯莱对莉拉唯命是从，就把安东尼奥借给她了。
But did Michele really satisfy her every
request? If it had certainly been true before I moved to the neighborhood,
now it wasn’t clear if things really were like that. First I noticed some odd
signs: Lila no longer uttered Michele’s name with condescension but, rather,
with irritation or obvious concern; mainly, though, he hardly ever appeared
at Basic Sight.
但米凯莱对她真的唯命是从吗？假如在我搬到城区之前这是真的，但现在很明显，事情并不是这样。我注意到一些细微的变化：莉拉不再用一种自负的语气提到米凯莱，而是带着明显的担心和厌烦；尤其是米凯莱现在越来越少出现在“Basic
Sight”的办公室。
It was at the wedding celebration of
Marcello and Elisa, which was ostentatious and lavish, that I became aware
something had changed. During the entire reception Marcello stayed close to
his brother; he often whispered to him, they laughed together, he put an arm
around his shoulders. As for Michele, he seemed revived. He had returned to
making long, pompous speeches, as he used to, while the children and
Gigliola, now extraordinarily fat, sat obediently beside him, as if they had
decided to forget the way he had treated them. It struck me how the
vulgarity, which was still very provincial at the time of Lila’s wedding, had
been as if modernized. It had become a metropolitan vulgarity, and Lila
herself was appropriate to it, in her habits, in her language, in her
clothes. Nothing clashed, in other words, except for me and my daughters, who
with our sobriety were completely out of place in that triumph of excessive
colors, excessive laughter, excessive luxuries.
我是在马尔切洛和埃莉莎的婚礼上，第一次发现事情发生了变化。他们的婚礼极其奢华排场。在婚礼的整个过程中，马尔切洛都让弟弟待在他身边，他们俩常常咬耳朵，一起笑起来，马尔切洛把胳膊搭在弟弟的肩膀上。至于米凯莱，他好像复活了，又像之前那样滔滔不绝，说话很浮夸。吉耀拉和几个孩子规规矩矩地坐在他旁边，就好像他们把过去受到的虐待一笔勾销了，吉耀拉已经彻底发胖了。让我觉得震撼的是，莉拉结婚时的那种乡村风格的粗俗，到现在已经完全现代化了，变成了一种都市风格的粗俗。莉拉也完全顺应了这种风格，无论是言谈举止还是着装。总之，除了我和几个女儿，没什么不和谐的东西。在那些颜色过于艳丽、笑声过于粗野、衣着过于奢华的人群中间，我们的衣着很朴素，显得格格不入。
Perhaps that was why Michele’s burst of
rage was especially alarming. He was making a speech in honor of the
newlyweds, but meanwhile little Tina was claiming something that Imma had
taken away from her, and was screaming in the middle of the room. He was
talking, Tina was crying. Suddenly Michele broke off and, with the eyes of a
madman, shouted: Fuck, Lina, will you shut that piece of shit kid up? Like
that, exactly in those words. Lila stared at him for a long second. She
didn’t speak, she didn’t move. Very slowly, she placed one hand on the hand
of Enzo, who was sitting next to her. I quickly got up from my table and took
the two little girls outside.
也许因为这个缘故，米凯莱忽然爆发的怒火才让我那么不安。他正在念给新婚夫妇的颂词，这时候蒂娜手上的一个东西被伊玛抢走了，她大哭起来，声音响彻整个大厅。米凯莱在说话，蒂娜在大声哭叫。他忽然停了下来，眼睛像疯子一样瞪着说：“他妈的！莉娜，你丫能不能让她闭嘴啊？”他就是这么说的。莉拉盯了他漫长的一秒，但没有说话，也没有动，只是把一只手轻轻放在了坐在她旁边的恩佐的手上。我赶紧离开了我的桌子，把两个孩子带了出去。
The episode roused the bride, that is to
say, my sister Elisa. At the end of the speech, when the sound of applause
reached me, she came out, in her extravagant white dress. She said
cheerfully: My brother-in-law has returned to himself. Then she added: But he
shouldn’t treat babies like that. She picked up Imma and Tina, and, laughing
and joking returned to the hall with the two children. I followed her,
confused.
这个小插曲让新娘，也就是我妹妹埃莉莎很不安，米凯莱讲完话，我听到大厅里传来一阵掌声，我看到她穿着非常奢华的白婚纱，来外面找我。她很愉快地说：“我小叔子恢复正常了。”然后说：“但他不能这样对待孩子。”她把伊玛和蒂娜抱在怀里，笑着逗着她们，回到了大厅里，我很忐忑地跟在她身后。
For a while I thought that she, too, had
returned to herself. Elisa in fact did change greatly, after her marriage, as
if what had ruined her had been the absence, until that moment, of the
marriage bond. She became a calm mother, a tranquil yet firm wife, her
hostility toward me ended. Now when I went to her house with my daughters
and, often, Tina, she welcomed me politely and was affectionate with the
children. Even Marcello—when I ran into him—was courteous. He called me the
sister-in-law who writes novels (How is the sister-in-law who writes
novels?), said a cordial word or two, and disappeared. The house was always
tidy, and Elisa and Silvio welcomed us dressed as if for a party. But my
sister as a little girl—I soon realized—had vanished forever. The marriage
had inaugurated a completely fake Signora Solara, never an intimate word,
only a good-humored tone and a smile, all copied from her husband. I made an
effort to be loving, with her and especially with my nephew. But I didn’t
find Silvio appealing, he was too much like Marcello, and Elisa must have
realized it. One afternoon she turned bitter again for a few minutes. She
said: You love Lina’s child more than mine. I swore it wasn’t true, I hugged
the child, kissed him. But she shook her head, whispered: Besides, you went
to live near Lina and not near me or Papa. She continued, in other words, to
be angry with me and now also with our brothers. I think she accused them of
behaving like ingrates. They lived and worked in Baiano and they weren’t even
in touch with Marcello, who had been so generous with them. Family ties, said
Elisa, you think they’re strong, but no. She talked as if she were stating a
universal principle, then she added: To keep from breaking those ties, you
need, as my husband has shown, goodwill. Michele had turned into an idiot,
but Marcello restored his mind to him: Did you notice what a great speech he
made at my wedding?
有一刹那，我觉得她也恢复到了之前的样子。那场婚礼之后，埃莉莎变化很大，就好像她之前情绪那么糟糕，是因为没有举办这个婚礼。在婚礼之后，她变成了一个祥和的母亲，一个坚定稳重的妻子，她对我不像之前那样充满敌意。现在我带着几个女儿去她家，有时候也经常会带着蒂娜，她会很有礼貌地接待我，对几个孩子很热情。有时候我会遇到马尔切洛，他对我也很客气。他把我称为“写小说的大姨子”（“写小说的大姨子怎么样了？”）他会热情地跟我聊两句，很快就消失了。现在他们的房子总是干净整洁，埃莉莎和西尔维奥接待我们时，穿得像过节一样。但我很快意识到，我之前的小妹妹已经彻底消失了。那场婚姻使她正式成为索拉拉太太，很虚伪，不会再说一句心里话，她语气和善，嘴上永远挂着微笑，和她丈夫一模一样。我尽量对她表现得很亲密，尤其是对我的小外甥，但我不喜欢西尔维奥，他太像马尔切洛了，埃莉莎应该也意识到了这一点。有一天下午，有几分钟她对我又很抵触。她说：“你爱莉娜的女儿超过爱我儿子。”我极力否认，抱起西尔维奥亲了很多下。但她摇了摇头，一字一句地说：“另外，你选择住在莉娜旁边，而不是我或者爸爸跟前。”她不仅很生我的气，而且还生她的两个哥哥的气。她生两个哥哥的气，是因为她觉得他们都很没良心。马尔切洛对他们一直都那么慷慨，现在他们在巴亚诺工作生活，一直都没和马尔切洛联系。埃莉莎说，你以为亲情是坚固的，但实际上却不是这样。她说这些话时，就好像在说一个放之四海而皆准的原则，然后她说：“要防止这种关系破裂，那需要善意，就像我丈夫所做的，米凯莱昏了头，但马尔切洛让他恢复到之前的样子。我结婚那天，你有没有听到他的讲话多精彩？”
87
Michele’s return to his senses was marked
not only by a return to his flowery speech but also by the absence among the
guests of a person who during that period of crisis had been very close to
him: Alfonso. Not to be invited was for my former schoolmate a source of
great suffering. For days he did nothing but complain, asking aloud how he
had wronged the Solaras. I worked for them for so many years, he said, and
they didn’t invite me. Then something happened that caused a sensation. One
evening he came to dinner at my house with Lila and Enzo, very depressed. But
Alfonso, who had never dressed as a woman in my presence except the day he
tried on the maternity dress in the shop on Via Chiaia, arrived in women’s
clothes, leaving Dede and Elsa speechless. He was troublesome all evening; he
drank a lot. He asked Lila obsessively: Am I getting fat, am I getting ugly,
do I not look like you anymore? And Enzo: Who’s prettier, her or me? At a
certain point he complained that he had a blocked intestine, that he had a
terrible pain in what—addressing the girls—he called his ass. And he began to
insist that I look and see what was wrong. Look at my ass, he said, laughing
in an obscene way, and Dede stared at him in bewilderment, Elsa tried to
stifle a laugh. Enzo and Lila had to take him away in a hurry.
米凯莱恢复了，不仅仅体现在他又开始说那些浮夸的话，也体现在他邀请的客人名单里缺少一位在他身陷危机时一直在他身旁的人，那就是阿方索。我中学时代的同桌没受到邀请，这让他非常痛苦。有几天时间他一直都在抱怨，非常大声地问，他到底什么地方得罪索拉拉兄弟了。他说：“我为他们工作了很多年，他们都没有邀请我。”后来发生了一件让人不安的事，有一天晚上，他和莉拉还有恩佐来我家吃饭，他很抑郁。让我吃惊的是，除了那次在基亚亚街上的商店里，他试了一件孕妇装之外，在我面前他从来都没穿过女装，但那天他来我家时穿的是女装，这让黛黛和艾尔莎目瞪口呆。整个晚上他都让人不得安宁，他喝了很多酒，不停地问莉拉：“我现在变胖了吗？变丑了吗？我已经不像你了吗？”他问恩佐：“谁更美，我还是她？”后来他抱怨说他肠子不通畅，他对着几个小孩说，他屁股疼得要死，他还想着让我看一眼他怎么了。他很粗俗地笑着说：“你看看我的屁股。”黛黛很忐忑地看着他，艾尔莎尽量不让自己笑出来。恩佐和莉拉不得不赶紧把他带走。但阿方索没有平静下来，第二天他穿着男人的衣服，没化妆，眼睛哭得通红，他从“Basic
Sight”办公室出来，说他要去索拉拉酒吧里喝一杯咖啡。在酒吧门口，他遇到了米凯莱，不知道他们说了什么，几分钟之后，米凯莱开始对他拳打脚踢，他拿起那根用于把卷帘门拉下来的杆子，娴熟地抡起来用它打了阿方索很长时间。阿方索回到办公室时，整个人被打得很惨，但他不停地说：“都是我的错，我不会控制自己。”不知道他说的控制是什么意思。当然，从那时候开始，情况越来越糟糕了，我觉得莉拉越来越担心了。有几天她都尽量让恩佐平静下来，恩佐没办法容忍米凯莱以强凌弱，他想去找米凯莱，看他是不是也会像打阿方索那样，打他一顿。从我的房间里，我听见莉拉对他说：“别这样，你会吓到蒂娜的。”
But Alfonso didn’t calm down. The next
day, without makeup, in male clothes, eyes red with crying, he left Basic
Sight saying that he was going to have a coffee at the Bar Solara. At the
entrance he met Michele, and they said something to each other. Michele,
after a few minutes, began to punch and kick him, then he grabbed the pole
that was used to lower the shutter and beat him methodically, for a long
time. Alfonso returned to the office badly battered, but he couldn’t stop
repeating: It’s my fault, I don’t how to control myself. Control in what way
we couldn’t understand. Certainly, he got even worse, and Lila seemed
worried. For days she tried in vain to soothe Enzo, who couldn’t bear the
violence of the strong against the weak, and wanted to go to Michele to see
if he could beat him, Enzo, the way he had beaten Alfonso. From my apartment
I heard Lila saying: Stop it, you’re frightening Tina.
88
到了一月，我的书里已经有了很多发生在城区里的事情的影子，我非常不安。最后定稿时，我有些羞怯地问莉拉能不能再帮我看看，我说这本书改动很大，但她一口回绝了。她说：“你写的上本书我也没看，这都是超出我能力范围的事儿。”我感觉很孤单，对自己写的东西不是很确信，我甚至想给尼诺打电话，问他能不能帮我看看。但我意识到，虽然他知道我的地址和电话，但他从来都没联系过我，这几个月他没有理会我，也没有理会他的女儿，我只能放弃了。这本小说已经最终定稿了，发出去之后就会覆水难收，我下次看到它时，就会是印出来的书了，黑纸白字，无法挽回，我很害怕把它发出去。
January arrived, and my book was now
enriched by echoes of many small details of the neighborhood. A great anguish
came over me. When I was at the last stage of proofs I timidly asked Lila if
she had the patience to reread it (It’s very changed) but she answered
decisively no. I didn’t read the last one you published, she said, those are
things in which I have no expertise. I felt alone, at the mercy of my own
pages, and I was even tempted to call Nino to ask if he would do me a favor
and read it. Then I realized that, although he knew my address and phone
number, he had never appeared, in all those months he had ignored both me and
his daughter. So I gave up. The text moved beyond the final provisional stage
and disappeared. Separating from it frightened me, I would see it again only
in its definitive guise, and every word would be irremediable.
出版社的宣传部门的人给我打电话。吉娜对我说：“《全景》杂志的人看了草稿，他们很感兴趣，他们会派一个摄影师去你那儿。”忽然间，我为塔索街上的房子感到惋惜，那是一套很体面的房子。我再也不想让他们在隧道口，或者在这个破旧的房子里给我拍照，在小花园里也不好，那里全是吸毒的人丢的针管。我已经不再是十五年前的小姑娘了，这是我的第三本书，我希望得到该有的待遇。但吉娜一直在坚持，说这对书的推广有好处。我对她说：“你把我的电话给摄影师，让他来前给我打个招呼，我要收拾一下，假如我状态不好，我会让他推迟拍照。”
The publicity office telephoned. Gina
said: at Panorama they’ve read the proofs and are very interested, they’ll
send a photographer. Suddenly I missed the elegant apartment on Via Tasso. I
thought: I don’t want to be photographed again at the entrance of the tunnel,
or in this dreary apartment, or even in the gardens, amid the syringes of the
addicts; I’m not the girl of fifteen years ago, this is my third book, I want
to be treated properly. But Gina insisted, the book had to be promoted. I
told her: Give the photographer my phone number—I wanted at least to be
notified ahead of time, attend to my appearance, put off the meeting if I
didn’t feel in good shape.
那些天，我尽量保持家里整洁，但没人打电话给我。我后来想，外面已经有很多我的照片了，《全景》可能不用再拍了。但有一天早上，黛黛和艾尔莎在学校里，我在家里，穿着牛仔裤和一件很旧的毛衣，披头散发地坐在地上和伊玛还有蒂娜玩，这时候有人敲门。两个孩子在玩积木，想搭建一座城堡，我在帮她们。那几个月，我觉得我女儿和莉拉的女儿之间的差距已经彻底弥合了。她们在合作搭建城堡，动作很稳当，蒂娜很有想象力，她会用吐字清晰的意大利语问我一些让人惊异的问题，但伊玛更有决心，也许说话更符合语法，唯一的不足就是她说话太简洁，尤其是对她的小伙伴说话时。当时我在回答蒂娜的一个问题，没有马上去开门，我听到门铃响了更长时间。我去开门，面前是一个三十岁上下的女人，非常漂亮，一头金色的发卷，身上穿着一件天蓝色的风衣，她就是摄影师。
In those days I tried to keep the house
in order, but no one called. I concluded that there were already enough
photographs of me around and that Panorama had decided not to do the article.
But one morning, when Dede and Elsa were at school and I was sitting on the
floor, in jeans and a worn-out sweater, my hair uncombed, playing with Imma
and Tina, the doorbell rang. The two little girls were building a castle with
blocks that were scattered around, and I was helping them. In the past few
months it had seemed to me that the distance between my daughter and Lila’s
had been bridged: they collaborated on the construction with precise
gestures, and if Tina appeared more imaginative and often asked me surprising
questions in a pure Italian, always clearly pronounced, Imma was more
decisive, maybe more disciplined, and her only disadvantage was a constricted
language that we often needed her friend to decipher. Since I delayed going
to the door as I finished answering some question or other of Tina’s, there
was a commanding ring. I opened the door and found myself facing a beautiful
woman of around thirty, with blond curls, a long blue raincoat. She was the
photographer.
她是一个非常开朗的米兰女人，身上穿的每件衣服都不是便宜货。她说，我把你的电话号码弄丢了，但这样更好，越是不经意，拍的照片就会越漂亮。她看了看周围说：“这个地方可真难找啊，真是个破地方，但这就是我需要的。这两个娃娃是你女儿？”蒂娜对着她微笑了，伊玛无动于衷，很明显，她们觉得家里来了一位仙女。我给摄影师介绍说：“伊玛是我的女儿，蒂娜是我朋友的女儿。”但当我说话时，摄影师已经开始围着我走动，不停用各种照相机给我拍照。我说：“我得收拾一下。”她说：“不用，这样很好。”
She turned out to be a very gregarious
Milanese, expensively dressed. I lost your number, she said, but just as
well—the less you expect to be photographed the better the photos. She looked
around. What a job to get here, what a wretched place, but it’s exactly
what’s needed: are these your babies? Tina smiled at her, Imma didn’t, but it
was obvious that they both considered her a kind of fairy. I introduced them:
Imma is my daughter and Tina the daughter of a friend. But even as I was
speaking, the photographer began to wander around, snapping photos constantly
with different cameras and all her equipment. I have to pull myself together,
I tried to say. Not at all, you’re fine like that.
她在家里的每个角落给我拍照：厨房，孩子的房间，我的卧室，甚至在洗手间的镜子前。
She pushed me into every part of the
house: the kitchen, the children’s room, my bedroom, even in front of the
bathroom mirror.
“你有没有一本你写的书？”
“Do you have your book?”
“没有，那本书还没出来。”
“No, it’s not out yet.”
“你有没有之前写的那本？”
“A copy of the last one you wrote?”
“有。”
“Yes.”
“你把它拿过来，假装看书。”
“Take it and sit here, pretend to be
reading.”
我按照她说的做了，心里有点儿乱。蒂娜拿了一本书，摆出我的姿态对伊玛说：“你给我拍张照片。”这让摄影师非常兴奋，她说：“你和两个孩子都坐在地板上。”她给我们拍了很多照片，蒂娜和伊玛都很幸福。摄影师后来大声说：“现在，我给你和你女儿单独照一张。”我要把伊玛拉到我跟前，但她说：“不，另一个，她的脸蛋看起来太神气了。”她把蒂娜推到我跟前，给我们拍了无数照片，伊玛有些难过。她说：“我也要。”我张开双臂，对她喊道：“来吧，到妈妈这里来。”
I obeyed in a daze. Tina grabbed a book,
too, and assumed the same pose, saying to Imma: Take a picture of me. This
excited the photographer, she said: Sit on the floor with the children. She
took a lot of pictures, Tina and Imma were happy. She exclaimed: Now let’s do
one alone with your daughter. I tried to pull Imma to me, but she said: No,
the other one, she has a fantastic face. She pushed Tina toward me, she took
an infinite number of pictures, Imma became upset. Me, too, she said. I
opened my arms, I called to her: Yes, come to Mamma.
一个早上的时间就这样过去了。那个穿天蓝色风衣的摄影师把我从家里拉了出去，但她有点儿紧张。她有几次都问我：“不会有人偷我的设备吧？”但后来她变得兴高采烈，她想拍摄这个城区每个破败的角落。她让我坐在一条吱吱嘎嘎的长椅上，靠着一面墙皮脱落的墙壁，在一个破旧的小便池旁边。我对伊玛和蒂娜说：“你们站在这里别动，小心一点，因为有车子过来。”她们个子差不多高，一个金发，一个黑发，手拉手在那里等我。
The morning flew by. The woman in the
blue raincoat dragged us out of the house, but was somewhat tense. She asked
a couple of times: They won’t steal my equipment? Then she got carried away,
she wanted to photograph every squalid corner of the neighborhood. She placed
me on a broken-down bench, against a flaking wall, next to the old urinal. I
said to Imma and Tina: Stay here, don’t move, because the cars are going by,
I’m warning you. They held each other by the hand, one fair and one dark, the
same height, and waited.
莉拉是晚饭时回来了，她上楼来接她女儿。她还没有进到家里，蒂娜就跟她讲了早上的事情。
Lila returned from work at dinnertime,
and came up to get her daughter. Tina didn’t wait for her to come in before
she told her all about it.
“来了一个非常漂亮的太太。”
“A beautiful lady came.”
“比我更漂亮吗？”
“More beautiful than me?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“比莱农阿姨还漂亮吗？”
“Even more beautiful than Aunt Lenuccia?”
“没有。”
“No.”
“那最漂亮的人是莱农阿姨。”
“So Aunt Lenuccia is the prettiest of
all?”
“不是，是我。”
“No, me.”
“你？你胡说什么啊。”
“You? What nonsense you talk.”
“妈妈，是真的。”
“It’s true, Mamma.”
“这个太太来干什么啊？”
“And what did this lady do?”
“拍照片。”
“Took photos.”
“给谁拍照啊？”
“Of whom?”
“给我。”
“Of me.”
“只是给你吗？”
“Only you?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“你说谎。伊玛，你过来跟我说说，你们都做什么了。”
“Liar. Imma, come here, tell me what you
did.”
89
我现在很高兴，出版社宣传部门的工作很到位，有专业摄影师给我拍照，这让我很高兴。我等着《全景》杂志出来，但过了一个星期，那篇报道还没出现，我的书已经上架了，那篇报道还是没出来。我忙于其他事情，一次是电台采访，一次是《晨报》对我的采访。后来我去米兰参加了新书发布会，还是在十五年前的同一家书店，还是当时那个教授主持的。阿黛尔没出现，马丽娅罗莎也没来，但听众比过去要多。那位教授谈到我的书时并没有带着极大的热情，但在场的听众——很多都是女士，有人非常积极地发言，提到了小说中女主人公的复杂人性。我已经很熟悉这个仪式了，所以比较平静，第二天早上，我筋疲力尽地回那不勒斯了。
I waited for Panorama to come out. I was
pleased now, the publicity office was doing a good job, I felt proud of being
the subject of an entire photographic feature. But a week passed, and the
feature didn’t appear. Two weeks passed, nothing. It was the end of March,
the book was in the bookstores, and still nothing. I was absorbed in other
things, an interview on the radio, one in Il Mattino. At a certain point I
had to go to Milan for the launch of the book. I did it in the same bookstore
as fifteen years earlier, introduced by the same professor. Adele didn’t
come, nor did Mariarosa, but the audience was bigger than in the past. The
professor talked about the book without much warmth but positively, and some
members of the audience—it was mostly women—spoke up enthusiastically about
the complex humanity of the protagonist. A rite that I knew well by now. I
left the next morning and returned to Naples, exhausted.
我记得，当时我拉着箱子往家里走，这时候大路上有一辆车停了下来，是米凯莱在开车，旁边坐着马尔切洛。我想起了很久以前那次，索拉拉兄弟想把我拉到他们的车里去——他们对艾达也做了同样的事儿，莉拉捍卫了我。就像当年一样，我手腕上戴着我母亲的手镯，尽管对于他们来说，我的手镯不值一提，出于本能，我一下子缩回了手。马尔切洛看着前面，没有和我打招呼，他也没有像平时一样，用和气的声音对我说：这不是那个写小说的大姨子吗？米凯莱气急败坏，开口对我说：
I remember that I was heading home,
dragging my suitcase, when a car pulled up along the stradone. At the wheel
was Michele, next to him sat Marcello. I remembered when the two Solaras had
tried to pull me into their car—they had done it with Ada, too—and Lila had
defended me. I had on my wrist, as I had then, my mother’s bracelet, and,
though objects are impassive by nature, I drew back with a start to protect
it. But Marcello stared straight ahead without greeting me, he didn’t even
say in his usual good-humored tone: Here’s the sister-in-law who writes
novels. Michele spoke, he was furious:
“莱农，你他妈在这本书里写了什么？你要给你出生的地方抹黑吗？你要给我家人脸上抹黑吗？你要给那些看着你长大、欣赏你、爱你的人脸上抹黑吗？你要败坏我们这个美丽的城市的名声吗？”
“Lenù, what the fuck did you write in
that book? Despicable things about the place you were born? Despicable things
about my family? Despicable things about the people who watched you grow up
and who admire you and love you? Despicable things about this beautiful city
of ours?”
他转过身，在后面的座椅上拿了一份散发着墨香的《全景》杂志，从窗口递了出来。
He turned around and took from the
backseat a copy of Panorama, fresh from the printer, and held it out through
the window.
“你喜欢胡说八道吗？”
“You like talking shit?”
我看了一下，正好打开到了关于我的那页，上面有一张巨大的彩色照片，是我和蒂娜坐在我家的地板上。让我吃惊的是上面的照片说明：“埃莱娜·格雷科和她女儿蒂娜”。我当时想着，这是那个照片说明的缘故，但我不明白为什么米凯莱会那么生气。我很不安地说：
I looked. The weekly was open to the page
about me. There was a big color photo that showed Tina and me sitting on the
floor at my apartment. The caption struck me immediately: Elena Greco with
her daughter Tina. At first I thought that the problem was the caption and I
didn’t understand why Michele was so angry. I said bewildered:
“他们搞错了。”
“They made a mistake.”
但他叫喊着说了一句话，更让我莫名其妙：
But he shouted out a sentence, even more
incomprehensible:
“不是他们错了，是你们俩错了。”
“They aren’t the ones who made a mistake,
it was you two.”
这时候马尔切洛插了一句，他很厌烦地说：
At that point Marcello interrupted, he
said with irritation:
“算了吧。米凯！她根本就没有察觉到莉娜在利用她。”
“Forget it, Michè, Lina manipulates her
and she doesn’t even realize it.”
他踩了一脚油门走了，把我一个人扔在人行道上，手里拿着那本杂志。
He took off, tires screeching, and left
me on the sidewalk with the magazine in my hand.
90
我把行李放在一边，站在路边读了那篇文章。我惊呆了，整整四页，上面有城区那些最丑陋的地方的照片，唯一一张有人的照片就是我和蒂娜那张，那是一张非常漂亮的照片，背景是破破烂烂的房间，但显得我们俩很精致。写那篇报道的人没有提到我的小说，而是利用它来讲述“索拉拉兄弟的地盘”的事情，这个地域很具体，也许和新的克莫拉组织相关，也许没有。文章里没有提到马尔切洛，只是侧重讲了米凯莱，把他描述成一个非常有野心，视野开阔的男人，他会根据生意需要投靠不同的党派。什么生意？《全景》杂志列举了一个单子，把那些合法和非法的买卖都提了出来：酒吧兼甜食店、皮货店、鞋厂、小型超市、夜总会、高利贷、倒卖走私香烟，销赃、毒品，还有在地震之后介入建筑工地的事。
I stood stock-still, my suitcase beside
me. I read the article, four pages with pictures of the ugliest places in the
neighborhood: the only one with me was the one with Tina, a beautiful picture
in which the bleak background of the apartment gave our two figures a
particular refinement. The writer wasn’t reviewing my book and didn’t speak
of it as a novel, but used it to give an account of what he called “the
dominion of the Solara brothers,” a borderland territory, perhaps tied to the
new organized Camorra, perhaps not. Of Marcello it said little, alluding
mainly to Michele, to whom it attributed initiative, unscrupulousness, a
tendency to jump from one political cart to the next, according to the logic
of business. What business? Panorama made a list, mixing the legal and the
illegal: the bar-pastry shop, hides, shoe factories, mini-markets, night
clubs, loan sharking, cigarette smuggling, receiving stolen goods, drugs,
infiltration of the post-earthquake construction sites.
我出了一身冷汗。
I broke into a cold sweat.
我做了什么，我怎么能那么不慎重。
What had I done, how could I have been so
imprudent.
我在佛罗伦萨写这篇小说时从我童年和少年的经历里汲取了一些事实，我当时没觉得危险，那是因为我身在远方。从佛罗伦萨的角度来看，那不勒斯几乎像一个想象的地方，就像电影里出现的城市，尽管那些路和街道是真的，那也只是各种爱情故事和侦探小说的背景。我搬回这里之后，每天都能见到莉拉，我对这里的现实产生了狂热，虽然我没提到这个城区，但我讲的是发生在这里的事。我应该是过于夸张了，现实和虚构之间的关系扭曲了：现在每条路、每一栋楼都可以辨认出来，甚至是故事里的许多人物，还有那些暴力事件也许同样能被辨认出来。那张照片证明了我写的那些东西真是存在的，而且是发生在一个非常具体的区域，这个城区不再是我写作时虚构的一个地方，而是真实存在的。这篇文章的作者根据这些照片讲了一个故事，他甚至提到了堂·阿奇勒还有曼努埃拉·索拉拉被谋杀的事情，尤其是在最后这件事上，花费了很多笔墨。他推测，那是克莫拉家庭之间的矛盾产生的结果，或者是“出生在这个城区的危险恐怖分子——前泥瓦匠、前Communist支部书记帕斯卡莱·佩卢索干的”。但我在小说里从来都没说过帕斯卡莱的事儿，也从来都没有提到过堂·阿奇勒和曼努埃拉的事，我从来都没有描述过卡拉奇家的任何事情。对于我来说，索拉拉兄弟只是一个影子、一种声音，让我可以临摹他们说话的方式，他们的手势，有时候是暴力的语言，但整体上，这部小说是虚构的。我不想谈论他们做的那些事，我的小说和“索拉拉的地盘”有什么关系？
In Florence I had invented a plot,
drawing on facts of my childhood and adolescence with the boldness that came
from distance. Naples, seen from there, was almost a place of imagination, a
city like the ones in films, which although the streets and buildings are
real serve only as a background for crime stories or romances. Then, since I
had moved and saw Lila every day, a mania for reality had gripped me, and
although I hadn’t named it I had told the story of the neighborhood. But I
must have overdone it, and the relationship between truth and fiction must
have gone awry: now every street, every building had become recognizable, and
maybe even the people, even the violent acts. The photographs were proof of
what my pages really contained, they identified the area conclusively, and
the neighborhood ceased to be, as it had always been for me while I was
writing, an invention. The author of the article told the history of the
neighborhood, even mentioning the murders of Don Achille Carracci and Manuela
Solara. He went on at length about the latter, hypothesizing that it had been
either the visible point of a conflict between Camorra families or an
execution at the hands of the “dangerous terrorist Pasquale Peluso, born and
raised in the area, former bricklayer, former secretary of the local section
of the Communist Party.” But I hadn’t written anything about Pasquale, I
hadn’t written anything about Don Achille or Manuela. The Carraccis, the
Solaras had been for me only outlines, voices that had been able to enrich,
with the cadence of dialect, gestures, at times violent tonalities, a
completely imagined scheme. I didn’t want to stick my nose in their real
business, what did “the dominion of the Solara brothers” have to do with it.
我只是写了一部小说。
I had written a novel.
91
我带着激动不安的心情去了莉拉家，几个孩子在她那里。艾尔莎看到我说：“你这么早就回来啦！”我不在家时，她感觉更自由。黛黛漫不经心地给我打了个招呼，用一种假装的沉稳说：“等一分钟，妈妈，我做完作业过来抱你。”唯一对我表现出热情的是伊玛，她把嘴贴在我脸上，亲了很长时间，蒂娜也想过来亲我。但我心里有事儿，没太关注她们，我马上把《全景》杂志给了莉拉，并跟她讲了索拉拉兄弟的反应。为了缓解我的不安，我对她说：“他们现在很生气。”莉拉不紧不慢地看了那篇文章，做出的唯一评价是：“照片很漂亮。”我大声说：
I went to Lila’s house in a state of
great agitation, the children were with her. You’re back already, said Elsa,
who felt freer when I wasn’t there. And Dede greeted me distractedly,
murmuring with feigned restraint: Just a minute, Mamma, I’ll finish my
homework and then hug you. The only enthusiastic one was Imma, who pressed
her lips to my cheek and kissed me for a long time, refusing to let go. Tina
wanted to do the same. But I had other things on my mind, and paid them
almost no attention. I immediately showed Lila Panorama. I told her about the
Solaras, suppressing my anxiety. I said: They’re angry. Lina read the article
calmly and made a single comment: Nice photos. I exclaimed:
“我会写一封信进行抗议。他们可以做一篇关于那不勒斯的专题报道，比如说关于奇里洛绑架案，关于克莫拉组织杀死的那些人，他们想报道什么就报道什么，但他们不应该拿我的书做幌子，胡乱阐释。”
“I’ll send a letter, I’ll protest. Let
them do a report on Naples, let them do it on, I don’t know, the kidnapping
of Cirillo, on Camorra deaths, on what they want, but they shouldn’t use my
book gratuitously.”
“为什么不行呢？”
“And why?”
“因为这是文学，我没讲那些真实发生的事。”
“Because it’s literature, I didn’t
narrate real events.”
“我记得那些事情好像真的发生过。”
“I recall that you did.”
我难以置信地看着她。
I looked at her uncertainly.
“你在说什么？”
“What do you mean?”
“你虽然没有点名道姓，但里面的事让人都能认出来。”
“You didn’t use the names, but a lot of
things were recognizable.”
“之前你为什么没有告诉我？”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“我告诉你了，我不喜欢这本书，有些事情，要么你就讲清楚，要么你就别讲，但你正好停在中间。”
“I told you I didn’t like the book.
Things are told or not told: you remained in the middle.”
“那只是一本小说。”
“It was a novel.”
“有点像小说，有点不像。”
“Partly a novel, partly not.”
我没回答，心情越来越不安。现在，我不知道我是因为索拉拉兄弟的反应感到难过，还是因为她。她心平气和地重申了几年前她对这本书的负面评价。我看到黛黛和艾尔莎把那份杂志拿了过去，但我心里想着别的事情。艾尔莎喊了一句：
I didn’t answer, my anxiety increased.
Now I didn’t know if I was more unhappy about the Solaras’ reaction or
because she, serenely, had just repeated her negative judgment of years
earlier. I looked at Dede and Elsa, who had taken possession of the magazine,
but almost without seeing them. Elsa exclaimed:
“蒂娜，你快过来看，你上报了。”
“Tina, come see, you’re in the
newspaper.”
蒂娜走了过来，用那双充满惊异的大眼睛，看着自己的照片，露出了一个满意的微笑。伊玛问艾尔莎：
Tina approached and looked at herself,
eyes wide with wonder and a pleased smile on her face. Imma asked Elsa:
“我在哪儿呢？”
“Where am I?”
“报纸上没有你，因为蒂娜很漂亮，你很丑。”她姐姐回答说。
“You’re not there because Tina is pretty
and you’re ugly,” her sister answered.
伊玛这时候看着黛黛，想知道这是不是真的。黛黛大声读了两遍杂志上的照片说明，然后跟伊玛说，她姓萨拉托雷，而不是艾罗塔，所以她不是我的亲生女儿。这时候我受不了了，我很累，脑子很乱，我大声说：“够了，我们回家吧。”她们三个都不愿意走，蒂娜，尤其是莉拉，也都挽留她们，让她们别走，莉拉坚持让我们留下来吃晚饭。
Imma then turned to Dede to find out if
it was true. And Dede, after reading the Panorama caption aloud twice, tried
to convince her that since her name was Sarratore and not Airota, she wasn’t
truly my daughter. I couldn’t take it anymore, I was tired, upset, I cried:
That’s enough, let’s go home. They all three objected, supported by Tina and
by Lila, who insisted that we stay for dinner.
我留了下来。莉拉想让我平静下来，她甚至想让我忘记，她刚才又说了我的书的坏话。她开始用方言和我说话，然后用那种她在重要场合才会用到的意大利语，这种语言一直让我感到惊异，她提到了地震的经历，这两年里，她从来都没谈到过地震，除非是说到这个城市越来越糟糕的时候，偶尔会提一下。她说，从那时候开始，她一直都很小心，时时刻刻都记着，我们生活的世界很拥挤，里里外外都很混乱。她提到了物理、天体物理、生物、宗教、灵魂、资产阶级、无产阶级、资本、工作、剥削、政治，很多和谐，还有不和谐的事情。她笑着说：“你不要激动，你觉得索拉拉兄弟能把你怎么样呢？你的小说已经出版了。你之前写了小说，后来又改写了，你生活在这里，这会让你的小说更真实，但现在书已经出版了，你不能把它收回来。索拉拉兄弟生气了吗？让他们生气去吧。米凯莱威胁你了？谁在乎呢。随时可能会再来一场地震，比上一次更强烈。或者整个天都塌下来，那米凯莱·索拉拉算得了什么呢？什么都算不上，马尔切洛也什么都算不上，他们俩只是两块肉，只会要钱和威胁人。”她叹了一口气，低声说：“索拉拉兄弟永远都是危险人物，两个畜生，莱农！这是没办法改变的。我曾经驯服过一个，但他哥哥又让他恢复了残暴的本性。你看到米凯莱把阿方索打成什么样子了吗？他是想打我来着，但没有勇气。他们因为你的书，还有《全景》上的文章和照片感到愤怒，那也是针对我的怒气。因此你要像我一样，不理会他们。你让他们上了报纸，索拉拉兄弟没法容忍这一点，这对于他们的黑白买卖没什么好处，但对于我们来说却是好事儿，不是吗？我们有什么可担心的呢？”
I stayed. Lila tried to soothe me, she
even tried to make me forget that she had again been critical of my book. She
started off in dialect and then began to speak in the Italian she brought out
on important occasions, which never failed to surprise me. She cited the
experience of the earthquake, for more than two years she had done nothing
except complain of how the city had deteriorated. She said that since then
she had been careful never to forget that we are very crowded beings, full of
physics, astrophysics, biology, religion, soul, bourgeoisie, proletariat,
capital, work, profit, politics, many harmonious phrases, many unharmonious,
the chaos inside and the chaos outside. So calm down, she said laughing, what
do you expect the Solaras to be. Your novel is done: you wrote it, you
rewrote it, being here was evidently useful to you, to make it truer, but now
it’s out and you can’t take it back. The Solaras are angry? So what. Michele
threatens you? Who gives a damn. There could be another earthquake at any
moment, even stronger. Or the whole universe could collapse. And then what is
Michele Solara? Nothing. And Marcello is nothing. The two of them are merely
flesh that spouts out threats and demands for money. She sighed. She said in
a low voice: The Solaras will always be dangerous beasts, Lenù, there’s
nothing to be done; I thought I had tamed one but his brother made him
ferocious again. Did you see how many blows Michele gave Alfonso? They’re
blows he wanted to give me but he hasn’t got the courage. And that rage at
your book, at the article in Panorama, at the photos, is all rage against me.
So don’t give a shit, the way I don’t give a shit. You put them in the
newspaper and the Solaras can’t tolerate it, it’s bad for business and for
scams. To us, on the other hand, it’s a pleasure, no? What do we have to
worry about?
我听她说完这些话，中间有几段慷慨陈词，让我怀疑她是不是像她小时候那样继续背着我读书，但出于一些不为人所知的原因，她瞒着我。在她家里，除了那些特别专业的关于计算机的册子，我看不到一本书。尽管忽然间，她开始谈论起生物学、心理学，说到了人类有多复杂，但她想表现出自己是没有受过教育的人，在我面前，她为什么要这样表现？我不明白，但我需要她的支持，我相信她说的。总之，听了她的话，我平静下来了。我再读了一遍那篇文章，发现我很喜欢。我仔细看着那些照片：这个城区很丑陋，但蒂娜和我都很漂亮。我们开始一起煮饭，这有助于我反思。我最后想，那篇文章和那些照片会对那本书的宣传带来好处。我在佛罗伦萨写的小说，在那不勒斯经过修订和润色，我在她楼上对小说进行修改，这本小说真是变得好多了。我对她说：“是的，我们才不管索拉拉怎么想呢。”我放松下来了，在几个孩子跟前又变得和蔼。
I listened. When she talked like that,
with those high-flown pronouncements, the suspicion returned that she had
continued to consume books, the way she had as a girl, but that for
incomprehensible reasons she kept it hidden from me. In her house not a single
volume was to be seen, apart from the hypertechnical pamphlets that had to do
with the work. She wanted to present herself as an uneducated person, and yet
suddenly here she was talking about biology, psychology, about how
complicated human beings are. Why did she act like that with me? I didn’t
know, but I needed support and I trusted her just the same. In other words,
Lila managed to soothe me. I reread the article and I liked it. I examined
the photographs: the neighborhood was ugly but Tina and I were pretty. We
began to cook, and the preparations helped me reflect. I decided that the
article, the photos, would be useful for the book and that the text of
Florence, filled out in Naples, in the apartment above hers, really was
improved. Yes, I said, let’s screw the Solaras. And I relaxed, I was nice to
the children again.
晚饭前，不知道伊玛和蒂娜有过了什么密谋，她们前后脚来到我跟前。伊玛用她有限的词汇，用一种差不多我能听懂的语言问我：
Before dinner, after who knows what
councils, Imma came over to me, Tina trailing behind. In her language made up
of words that were pronounced clearly and words that were barely
comprehensible she said:
“妈妈，蒂娜想知道，你的女儿是我还是她。”
“Mamma, Tina wants to know if your
daughter is me or her.”
“你也想知道吗？”我问她。
“And do you want to know?” I asked her.
她的眼睛里冒出了泪花，说：
Her eyes were shining:
“是的。”
“Yes.”
莉拉说：
Lila said:
“我们俩都是妈妈，我们俩都爱你们。”
“We are mammas of you both and we love
you both.”
恩佐下班回来时，他看到女儿的照片很兴奋。第二天他买了两份《全景》，把上面的照片贴在他的办公室里，有一张是整张照片，一张是把她女儿单独剪出来，当然，他剪掉了上面错误的照片说明。
When Enzo returned from work he was
excited about the photograph of his daughter. The next day he bought two
copies of Panorama and stuck up in his office both the whole image and the
image of his daughter alone. Naturally he cut off the mistaken caption.
92
现在，我写到这里时，我为自己的幸运感到羞愧。那本书出版之后激起了很多反响，有人觉得那本书文字优美，读起来很舒服，有人赞美女主人公塑造得好，有人提到了书里残酷的现实主义，有人认为我的巴洛克式想象很吸引人，有人欣赏里面女性柔软怡人的讲述方式。总之，这本书出版后好评如潮，但这些评论经常截然相反，相互矛盾，就好像那些写评论的人读的不是同一本书，不是出现在书店里的那本书，而是按照各自的想法，臆造了一本书。在《全景》的文章出现之后，他们就一点达成了一致：这本书与以往的讲述那不勒斯的方式完全不同。
Today, as I write, I’m embarrassed at the
way fortune continued to favor me. The book immediately aroused interest.
Some were thrilled by the pleasure of reading it. Some praised the skill with
which the protagonist was developed. Some talked about a brutal realism, some
extolled my baroque imagination, some admired a female narrative that was
gentle and embracing. In other words there were many positive judgments, but
often in sharp contrast to one another, as if the reviewers hadn’t read the
book that was in the bookstores but, rather, each had evoked a fantasy book
fabricated from his own biases. On one thing, after the article in Panorama,
they all agreed: the novel was absolutely different from the usual kind of
writing about Naples.
收到合同上规定的那些样书之后，我很高兴，我决定送一本给莉拉。之前，我从来都没有给过她出版的书，就目前来说，我肯定她不会翻阅这本书，但我跟她很亲近，她是我唯一可以依赖的人，我想对她表示我的感激之情，但结果却不是我想象的样子。很明显，那些天她有很多事情要做，因为六月二十六日要进行选举，她完全沉浸在城区的矛盾斗争中间，或者有什么事情让她很生气，我不知道。当时的情况是：我把书递给了她，她没有翻阅，只是说我不应该浪费我的样书。
When my copies arrived from the
publisher, I was so happy that I decided to give one to Lila. I hadn’t given
her my previous books, and I took it for granted that, at least for the
moment, she wouldn’t even look at it. But I felt close to her, she was the
only person I could truly rely on, and I wanted to show her my gratitude. She
didn’t react well. Obviously that day she had a lot to do, and was involved
in her usual aggressive way in the neighborhood conflicts over the
forthcoming elections on June 26th. Or maybe something had annoyed her, I
don’t know. The fact is that I gave her the book and she didn’t even look at
it, she said I shouldn’t waste my copies.
我觉得很难过，这时候恩佐过来化解了我的尴尬。他说：“把书给我吧，我从来都没有读书的爱好，但我可以替蒂娜保留着，她长大了可以看。”他想让我给孩子写一句赠言。我记得我有些不自在地写道：“给蒂娜，你会比我们所有人都强。”我大声读着我写的赠言，莉拉感叹了一句：“要比我强可太容易了，我希望她要比我强得多。”我写的是“比我们都强”，在她嘴里就成了“比我强”，说什么也没用。恩佐和我都没回应。他把那本书放在书架上，放在那些电脑手册中间，我们谈论了一会儿我收到的邀请，我即将开始的行程。
I was disappointed. Enzo saved me from
embarrassment. Give it to me, he said, I’ve never had a passion for reading,
but I’ll save it for Tina, so when she grows up she’ll read it. And he wanted
me to write a dedication to the child. I remember that I wrote with some
uneasiness: For Tina, who will do better than all of us. Then I read the
dedication aloud and Lila exclaimed: It doesn’t take much to do better than
me, I hope she’ll do much more. Pointless words, with no motivation: I had
written better than all of us and she had reduced it to better than me. Both
Enzo and I dropped it. He put the book on a shelf among the computer manuals
and we talked about the invitations I was receiving, the trips I would have
to make.
93
很明显，她有时候对我充满抵触，但在她的敌意隐藏在她对我的情感以及愿意为我付出的态度后面。比如说，莉拉一直都很乐意照顾我的几个女儿，尽管她有时候话里话外，都想让我感觉我欠她的情。她好像在说：你现在的身份，你获得的成就，都是因为我牺牲自己，让你成为那样的人。我听出她的话外之音时，我会提议说，我可以找一个保姆，但是无论是她还是恩佐，都会觉得我太见外了，这种话提都不要提。有一天早上，我需要她的帮助，她提到了她要面对的一些棘手问题，我冷冰冰地说，我会另找一个解决方案。她马上变得很凶，说：“我跟你说了我不帮你吗？假如你需要，我会安排一下的。你的女儿抱怨过吗？我忽视她们了吗？”这样一来，我确信她只是需要我承认她的重要性，我要真诚地对她表示感谢，没有她的支持，我的公众生活是很难维持的。后来我开始忙于自己的事儿，每次都把几个孩子留给她。
In general those moments of hostility
were open, but sometimes they also persisted behind an appearance of
availability and affection. Lila, for example, still seemed happy to take
care of my daughters, and yet, with a mere inflection of her voice, she could
make me feel indebted, as if she were saying: What you are, what you become,
depends on what I, sacrificing, allow you to be, to become. If I perceived
that tone I darkened and suggested getting a babysitter. But both she and
Enzo were almost offended, it shouldn’t even be mentioned. One morning when I
needed her help she alluded in irritation to problems that were putting her
under pressure and I said coldly that I could find other solutions. She
became aggressive: Did I tell you I can’t? If you need me, I’ll arrange it:
have your daughters ever complained, have I neglected them? So I convinced
myself that she wanted only a sort of declaration of indispensability and I
admitted with sincere gratitude that my public life would have been
impossible if she had been less supportive. Then I gave in to my commitments
without any more qualms.
因为出版社宣传部门的有效推广，每天我都会出现在不同报纸上，有一两次我还上了电视。我很振奋，也很紧张，我喜欢人们对我的关注，但我害怕说错话。在最紧张的时候，我不知道找谁谈，我去找莉拉，想听听她的建议：
Thanks to the competence of the publicity
office, I appeared in a different newspaper every day, and a couple of times
even on television. I was excited and extremely tense, I liked the increasing
attention but I was afraid of saying the wrong thing. At the moments of
greatest anxiety I didn’t know whom to ask and I resorted to Lila for advice:
“假如他们问起索拉拉兄弟呢？”
“If they ask me about the Solaras?”
“你怎么想就怎么说。”
“Say what you think.”
“假如他们生气了呢？”
“And if the Solaras get angry?”
“现在他们怕你更多一些，你比他们更危险。”
“At the moment you’re more dangerous for
them than they are for you.”
“我很担心，我觉得米凯莱越来越疯狂了。”
“I’m worried, Michele seems crazier and
crazier.”
“书写出来，就是为了让人们听到你的声音，而不是为了沉默。”
“Books are written so their authors can
be heard, not so that they remain silent.”
实际上，我一直都很小心。那个阶段，因为选举，各个政党的宣传都热火朝天，我很小心，在接受采访的过程中从来都不谈论政治，从来都不会提到索拉拉兄弟，大家都知道，他们在给联合执政的五个政党拉选票。但关于城区的生活环境，我会谈很多，在地震之后，一切都更糟糕了，我会谈到城区的贫穷、非法交易，还有管理机构的纵容。然后，根据不同的问题，还有当时的心情，我会谈论我自己、我接受的教育、求学生涯的艰难、比萨高等师范里蔓延的厌女症，会谈到我的母亲、女儿，还有我的女性主义思想。那段时间，图书市场的情况非常复杂，我这个年龄的作家都游离于先锋主义和传统写作之间，但我是有优势的，因为我的第一本书是在六十年代末出版的，我通过第二本书展示了我坚实的文化，还有宽广的兴趣，我是少有的几个已经有了自己的出版生涯，甚至是读者群的作家。这样一来，我的电话越来越频繁响起，但说实在的，那些记者很少让我谈论对文学的看法，他们会问我关于那不勒斯的现状的看法，还有一些社会学方面的思考，这些问题我还是可以谈论的。很快，我开始给《晨报》写稿子，我接受了一个题为“我们女人”专栏的约稿，无论哪里邀请我去，我都会根据不同的观众介绍我的书。发生在我身上的事情，就连我自己都不相信，过去出版的那两本书取得了一定的成功，但不像这本这么突出，有两个非常著名的作家给我打了电话，都是我之前没有机会认识的人，还有一个非常著名的导演想见我，他想把我的小说改编成电影。每天我都会接到消息，都是这个或那个出版社要了解我的书。总之，我越来越高兴了。
In reality I always tried to be cautious.
It was the middle of a heated electoral campaign, and I was careful, in
interviews, not to get mixed up in politics, not to mention the Solaras,
who—it was known—were involved in funneling votes for the five governing
parties. Instead I talked a lot about the conditions of life in the
neighborhood, of the further deterioration after the earthquake, of poverty
and illegal trafficking, of institutional complicity. And then—depending on
the questions and the whim of the moment—I talked about myself, about my
education, about the effort I had had to make in order to study, about
misogyny at the Normale, about my mother, about my daughters, about feminist
thought. It was a complicated moment in the literary market; writers of my
age, hesitating between the avant-garde and traditional storytelling,
struggled to define and establish themselves. But I had an advantage. My
first book had come out at the end of the sixties, with my second I had
demonstrated a solid education and a broad range of interests, and I was one
of the few who had a small publication history and even a following. So the
telephone began to ring more and more often. But rarely, it should be said,
did the journalists want opinions or comments on literary questions; they
asked me mainly for sociological reflections and statements about the current
state of Naples. I engaged in this willingly. And soon I began to contribute
to Il Mattino on an array of subjects, and I accepted a column in We Women, I
presented the book wherever I was invited, adapting it to the requirements of
the audience I found. I couldn’t believe what was happening to me. The
preceding books had done well but not with the same momentum. A couple of
well-known writers whom I had never had a chance to meet telephoned me. A
famous director wanted to meet me, he wanted to make my novel into a film.
Every day I learned that the book had been requested for reading by this or
that foreign publisher. I was more and more content.
但是最让我满意的是两个出乎我意料的电话。第一个是阿黛尔打的，她对我很客气，问了两个孙女的情况。她说，她通常是从彼得罗那里了解她们的所有情况，彼得罗给她看了两个孩子的照片，她们都很漂亮。我会听她说，只是礼节性地回复了几句。关于那本书，她说：“我又看了一遍，你很棒，这本书现在好多了。”在挂电话之前，她让我答应她，如果我去热内亚推广我的书，一定要告诉她，我要把两个孩子带给她看，让她们在热内亚住一段时间。我答应了她，但我排除了自己遵守诺言的可能。
But I got particular satisfaction from
two unexpected phone calls. The first was from Adele. She spoke to me very
cordially, she asked about her grandchildren, she said that she knew all
about them from Pietro, that she had seen pictures of them and they were
beautiful. I listened to her, I confined myself to a few polite remarks.
About the book she said: I read it again, well done, you improved it a lot.
And as she said goodbye she made me promise that if I came to present the
book in Genoa I should let her know, I should bring the children, leave them
with her for a while. I promised, but I ruled out that I would keep my
promise.
没过几天，尼诺给我打电话。他说，我的小说简直锐不可当（“无法想象在意大利还有这样的写作方式”），他说他要来看几个孩子。我邀请他来吃午饭，他特别精心地照顾黛黛、艾尔莎和伊玛，自然谈了很多自己的事情。现在他在那不勒斯的时间很少，他很多时候在罗马，他和我之前的公公一起做事，担任了很重要的职务。他经常会重复一句话：“现在事情越来越好了，意大利终于走上了现代化道路。”他忽然看着我的眼睛说：“我们和好吧。”我笑了起来，说：“你如果想见伊玛，打个电话就好了，但我们俩已经没什么可说的了，我感觉是和一个幽灵生了这个孩子，我可以肯定当时床上的人不是你。”他闷闷不乐地走了，再也没出现。他把我们——黛黛、艾尔莎、伊玛还有我——忘了，很长时间都没理会我们，他一定是一出门就把我们忘得一干二净。
A few days later Nino called. He said
that my novel was fantastic (a quality of writing unimaginable in Italy), he
asked to see the three children. I invited him to lunch. He devoted himself
to Dede, Elsa, and Imma, and then naturally he spoke a great deal about
himself. He spent very little time in Naples now, he was always in Rome, he
worked a lot with my former father-in-law, he had important responsibilities.
He repeated: Things are going well, Italy is finally setting out on the road
to modernity. Then suddenly he exclaimed, fixing his eyes on mine: Let’s get
back together. I burst out laughing: When you want to see Imma, call; but the
two of us have nothing more to say to each other. It seems to me that I
conceived the child with a ghost, certainly you weren’t in the bed. He went
away sulkily and didn’t show up again. He forgot about us—Dede, Elsa, Imma,
and me—for a long period. He probably forgot about us as soon as I closed the
door behind him.
94
那时候，我还想要什么呢？我之前谁也不是，现在终于变成了一个有分量的人了。是因为这个缘故，阿黛尔·艾罗塔才打电话给我，好像要和我和解，因为这个缘故，尼诺·萨拉托雷才会想着祈求我的原谅，想回到我的床上，因为这个缘故，到处都请我去演讲。当然，要和几个孩子分开，不能履行母亲的职责，对我来说很难。但那种撕裂感逐渐也成了我习以为常的东西。那种愧疚感，很快就被要取得公众认可的热望所取代。我的脑子里想着成千上万的事儿，那不勒斯和城区变得黯然失色，其他地方的风景挥之不去。我会去一些非常美丽的城市，我之前从来没去过的城市，我觉得，如果能搬到那些地方去居住，那简直太好了。我遇到一些吸引我的男人，他们会让我觉得自己很重要，让我很开心。在几个小时里，我的眼前会出现各种诱惑。我会淡忘作为母亲的羁绊，有时候甚至会忘记给莉拉打电话，跟孩子们道晚安，只有当我感觉离开她们我也能生活时，我才会醒悟过来，回到自我。
At that point, what more did I want? My
name, the name of a nobody, was definitely becoming the name of a somebody.
That was why Adele Airota had telephoned me as if to apologize, that was why
Nino Sarratore had tried to be forgiven and to return to my bed, that was why
I was invited everywhere. Of course, it was difficult to separate from the
children and stop, if just for a few days, being their mother. But even that
tug became habitual. The need to make a good impression in public soon
replaced the sense of guilt. My head became crowded with countless things,
Naples and the neighborhood lost substance. Other landscapes imposed
themselves, I went to beautiful cities I had never seen before, I thought I
would like to go and live in them. I met men who attracted me, who made me
feel important, who made me happy. A range of alluring possibilities opened
up before me in the space of a few hours. And the chains of motherhood
weakened, sometimes I forgot to call Lila, to say goodnight to the girls.
Only when I noticed that I would have been capable of living without them did
I return to myself, did I feel remorse.
后来发生了一件非常糟糕的事。我去了南方很长时间，为我的书做推广。我要在外面待一个星期，但伊玛不舒服，她感冒了，看起来无精打采。这都是我的错，我不能怪到莉拉身上：她一直都特别小心，但她有很多事情要做，孩子们玩疯了，她也想不到她们出汗时会着凉。在出发之前，我让推广部门的人把我住的宾馆电话给我，我把那些号码给了莉拉，我跟她说，如果有问题就给我打电话，我马上回来。
Then there was an especially bad moment.
I left for a long promotional tour in the south. I was to stay away for a
week, but Imma didn’t feel well, she looked depressed, she had a bad cold. It
was my fault, I couldn’t be angry with Lila: she was very attentive, but she
had endless things to do and couldn’t keep an eye on the children if they got
sweaty when they ran around, and the drafts. Before I left I asked the
publicity office to get me the telephone numbers of the hotels where I was to
stay and I left them with Lila for any eventuality. If there are problems, I
insisted, telephone me and I’ll be right home.
我出发了，刚开始时我一直想着伊玛和她的病情，一有机会就会打电话回去，后来我就把这事儿忘了。每到一个地方，我会受到热情接待，他们会给我安排一个非常密集的行程，我尽量展示自己的水平，最后他们会搞一场无穷无尽的晚宴为我庆祝。时间过得飞快，我打电话给莉拉时，没人接电话，我就没有再坚持。有一次是恩佐接的电话，他用那种言简意赅的方式跟我说：“你做你该做的事儿吧，这里你不用操心。”有一次，我和黛黛通话，她用大人的语气对我说：“我们很好，妈妈，再见，玩得开心。”但当我回去时，我发现伊玛在医院里已经住了三天院了。她得了肺炎，医生让她住院。莉拉和她在一起，她抛下了所有事情，甚至抛下了蒂娜，她和我女儿待在医院里。我觉得很失措，我说她不应该瞒着我。我回来了，她还是不愿意卸下责任，她还想照顾伊玛。她说：“你回去吧，你旅途一定很累了，休息一下吧。”
I departed. At first I thought only of
Imma and her illness, I called whenever I could. Then I forgot about it. I
arrived in a place, I was welcomed with great courtesy, an intense program
had been prepared for me, I tried to show that I was up to it, I was
celebrated at interminable dinners. Once I tried to call, but the telephone
rang unanswered, and I let it go; once Enzo answered and said in his laconic
way: Do what you have to do, don’t worry; once I talked to Dede, who said, in
an adult voice, We’re fine, Mamma, bye, have fun. But when I returned I
discovered that Imma had been in hospital for three days. She had pneumonia,
and had been admitted. Lila was with her, she had abandoned every commitment,
had abandoned even Tina, had stayed in the hospital with my daughter. I was
desperate, I protested that I had been kept in the dark. But she wouldn’t
give in, even when I returned, she continued to feel responsible for the
child. Go, she said, you’re always traveling, rest.
我真的很累，内心百感交集。我很愧疚，因为在孩子最需要我时，我没能陪在她的身边。即使是现在，我也不知道她生病时多么受罪，莉拉却经历了我女儿生病的每个阶段：伊玛呼吸困难，焦虑不安，最后被送到医院。在医院走廊里，我看着莉拉，她比我更加疲惫。伊玛生病后，莉拉一直守在她身边，照顾她，安慰她，已经好几天没回家了，她基本都没怎么睡觉，我看到她眼圈很黑，目光黯淡。而我呢，我的内心也许外表也一样，光彩照人。尽管我现在知道，我女儿病了，但这也无法掩盖我对自己的满意，我在意大利四处旅行的自在感，那种一切从头开始的愉快，好像无法掩盖。
I was truly tired, but above all I was
dazed. I regretted not having been with the child, of having deprived her of
my presence just when she needed me. Because now I didn’t know anything about
how much and in what way she had suffered. Whereas Lila had in her head all
the phases of my daughter’s illness, her difficulty breathing, the suffering,
the rush to the hospital. I looked at her, there in the corridor of the
hospital, and she seemed more worn-out than I was. She had offered Imma the
permanent and loving contact of her body. She hadn’t been home for days, she
had hardly slept, she had the blunted gaze of exhaustion. I, however, in
spite of myself, felt inside—and maybe appeared outside—luminous. Even now
that I knew about my daughter’s illness, I couldn’t get rid of the
satisfaction for what I had become, the pleasure of feeling free, moving all
over Italy, the pleasure of disposing of myself as if I had no past and
everything were starting now.
孩子一出院，我就对莉拉说了我的感受，我纷乱思绪，愧疚感和自豪感混杂在一起，想对她表示我的感激之情，也想让她跟我仔细讲讲——因为我不在，我没办法给予的——她对伊玛的照顾。但莉拉有些厌烦地回答说：“莱农，不要说这些了，事情已经过去了，你女儿病好了，现在有更大的问题要面对。”我开始以为她说的是工作上的事情，但实际上并不是，那些问题和我相关。在伊玛生病之前，她得知我被人告了，是卡门告的我。
As soon as the child was discharged, I
confessed my state of mind to Lila. I wanted to find an order in the
confusion of guilt and pride that I felt inside, I wanted to tell her how
grateful I was but also hear from her in detail what Imma—since I hadn’t been
there to give it to her—had gotten from her. But Lila replied almost with
irritation: Lenù, forget it, it’s over, your daughter’s fine, there are
bigger problems now. I thought for a few seconds that she meant her problems
at work but it wasn’t that, the problems had to do with me. She had found
out, just before Imma’s illness, that a lawsuit was about to be brought
against me. The person who was bringing it was Carmen.
95
我很害怕，也很心痛。卡门告了我？卡门这样对我？
I was frightened, and I felt distressed.
Carmen? Carmen had done a thing like that to me?
成功带来的振奋消失了。在短短几秒里，对伊玛照顾不周的愧疚感之上，又加上了恐惧，他们会通过法律手段让我失去一切：快乐、地位和金钱。我为自己还有我的那些抱负感到羞耻。我对莉拉说，我要马上和卡门谈谈，她不建议我去。我感觉她知道的比告诉我的还要多，我还是去找卡门了。
The thrilling phase of success ended at
that moment. In a few seconds the guilt at having neglected Imma was added to
the fear that by legal means everything would be taken away from me, joy,
prestige, money. I was ashamed of myself, of my aspirations. I said to Lila
that I wanted to talk to Carmen right away, she advised me against it. But I
had the impression that she knew more than what she had said and I went to
look for Carmen anyway.
我先到加油站那里找她，她不在，罗伯特有些尴尬地和我聊了几句。他没说起诉的事儿，他说他妻子和几个孩子去了朱利亚诺的亲戚家了，可能要在那里待一阵子。我没有理会他就走开了，我跑到他们的家里去，想知道他说是不是真的。他们家没人，不知道卡门是真的去了朱利亚诺，还是不给我开门。天气非常炎热，我在外面走着，想平静下来，后来我去找安东尼奥，我想他肯定知道有些事情。因为他一直在外面，我以为很难找到他，但他妻子跟我说他去了理发店，我果然在理发店里看到他了。我问他有没有听说有人要控告我的事儿，他没回答，却说起了城区的学校。他说，学校的老师对他的几个孩子很没耐心，他还抱怨说他的几个孩子要么说德语，要么说方言，但老师也没好好教意大利语。后来他忽然对我小声说：
First I went to the gas pump, but she
wasn’t there. Roberto was embarrassed in my presence. He was silent about the
lawsuit, he said that his wife had gone with the children to Giugliano, to
some relatives, and would be there for a while. I left him standing there and
went to their house to see if he had told me the truth. But Carmen either
really had gone to Giugliano or wouldn’t open the door to me. It was very
hot. I walked for a while to calm myself, then I looked for Antonio, I was
sure he would know something. I thought it would be hard to track him down,
he was always out. But his wife told me that he had gone to the barber and I
would find him there. I asked him if he had heard talk of legal actions
against me, and instead of answering he began to complain about the school,
he said that the teachers were annoyed with his children, they complained
that they spoke in German or in dialect, but meanwhile they didn’t teach them
Italian. Then out of the blue he almost whispered:
“我现在顺便向你告别。”
“Let me take this moment to say goodbye.”
“你去哪里？”
“Where are you going.”
“我回德国。”
“I’m going back to Germany.”
“什么时候？”
“When?”
“我还不知道呢。”
“I don’t yet know.”
“为什么你现在要和我告别？”
“Why are you saying goodbye now?”
“因为你从来不在家，我们很少见面。”
“You’re never here, we hardly see each
other.”
“是你不来找我。”
“It’s you who never come to see me.”
“你也没来找我啊。”
“You don’t come to see me, either.”
“你为什么要离开？”
“Why are you going?”
“我的家人在这里过得不好。”
“My family isn’t happy here.”
“是米凯莱让你走的吧？”
“Is it Michele who’s sending you away?”
“他指挥我，我听从安排。”
“He commands and I obey.”
“因此他不想让你待在城区了。”
“So it’s he who doesn’t want you in the
neighborhood anymore.”
他看着自己的手，很仔细地检查它们。
He looked at his hands, he examined them
carefully.
“我时不时还会神经崩溃。”他说。他提到了他母亲梅丽娜，她现在脑子也不清楚。
“Every so often my nervous breakdown
returns,” he said, and he began to talk to me about his mother, Melina, who
wasn’t right in the head.
“你要把她留给艾达？”
“You’ll leave her to Ada?”
“我要把她带走。”他嘀咕着说，“艾达已经有太多麻烦了。我和我母亲的情况一样，我想把她带在身边，看着她，想知道自己将来会变成什么样子。”
“I’ll take her with me,” he muttered.
“Ada already has too many troubles. And I have the same constitution, I want
to keep her in sight to see what I’m going to become.”
“她一直生活在这里，在德国她会遭罪的。”
“She’s always lived here, she’ll suffer
in Germany.”
“到处都会遭罪，你要不要听我说一句？”
“One suffers everywhere. You want some
advice?”
我从他的目光里看到，他决定要对我说他的想法。
I understood from the way he looked at me
that he had decided to get to the point.
“说来听听。”
“Let’s hear it.”
“你也走吧。”
“You get out of here, too.”
“为什么？”
“Why?”
“莉娜相信，你们俩一起就会变得战无不胜，但事实并非如此，现在我已经帮不了你们了。”
“Because Lina believes that the two of
you are invincible but it’s not true. And I can’t help you any longer.”
“帮助我们做什么？”
“Help us in what?”
他很不高兴地摇了摇头。
He shook his head unhappily.
“你看到这个城区的人投票的情况吗？索拉拉兄弟很生气。”
“The Solaras are furious. Did you see how
people voted here in the neighborhood?”
“没有。”
“No.”
“他们不能像之前那样控制这里的选票了。”
“It turned out that they no longer
control the votes they used to control.”
“然后呢？”
“So?”
“莉娜给Communist拉了很多选票。”
“Lina has managed to shift a lot of them
to the Communists.”
“这和我什么关系呢？”
“And what do I have to do with it?”
“马尔切洛和米凯莱觉得，莉拉是所有事情背后的指使者，她也是你背后的人。这次帮助卡门起诉你的律师，就是他们的律师。”
“Marcello and Michele see Lina behind
everything, especially behind you. There is a lawsuit, and Carmen’s lawyers
are their lawyers.”
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